To think that being a guest can be exhausting?

[Ohsoready]

We are at my DPs parents for Christmas. We’ve been here for a day and I’m exhausted. They are lovely people but I feel so utter awkward! Getting up, getting ready what are we doing now what are we doing later, what’s the plan…? I just want to chill watch a bit of TV but the phone is constantly ringing. Someone calling in to say hi… and I’m exhausted.

The house is is cold, the sofas are uncomfortable. I don’t eat certain things and I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

I constantly feel like I should be doing things. Anything. Helping out with anything but I can’t really because I’m not home and it’s just odd.

They are lovely and I feel terrible, but I’m slightly regretting coming. I just want to dig a hole and sit in it until the holidays are over ☹️

It depends on the hosts - I am staying with 3 sets of hosts over the holidays. Two are very easy to relax with, one is much more formal - they are sweet and generous hosts but I couldn't do more than two days in winter (and snap on the uncomfortable furniture.) Can you get an annoying re-curing tension headache that needs rest and long walks, and cut the visit next year??

So much this. Especially at Christmas, Can't relax, can't pick at stuff in the fridge and my ma-in-law, although a lovely woman has a habit of grabbing your glass/cup as soon as it's out of your hand to wash it up.

I used to spend so many christmases alone and frantically fend off invites from well meaning people who wanted to host a ‘waif and stray’ for this reason … it’s so awkward!

I’m the same lol! At my mum’s with extended family :.: hard work.

Reading these reminded of the Christmas in my late teens spent with my aunt. My DSis and I were told we were sleeping in the NDN's caravan on their drive as it would be more fun for us. It was freezing cold, there was snow, the beds in the caravan were hard. My aunt set up little 'scenes' with us doing jigsaws when friends came for meals. It was unadulterated hell and I remembering crying in bed because
I was so cold even with hot water bottles. I think my parents took all the food with us too for some reason.

This was me a few years ago and I always ended up in tears over Christmas from the stress and dread of it all. One year I just said no more and we've done our own thing for Christmas ever since. Still see both families before and after the big day but Christmas day is all ours and its bliss. I don't suppose there's much you can do now you're at you're inlaws but make sure next year you do what makes you happy! Life really is too short for all these forced, uncomfortable Christmas family get togethers.

I remember feeling ilke this when I had to fly home from London to Dublin and so was trapped for a few days. I thought why is the house so cold, why is there no real coffee, even on christmas day! why do you keep turning off the heating, and whoever said every tiny thing discussed in great deatail, that's it! because there's nothing real to talk about. If you get real in my family, they panic and shut you down.

Even staying with the most gracious hosts in the world is exhausting. I never feel like I can truly relax so it’s 24 hours around the clock trying to be a good guest and not be too disruptive to the household. I try to stay in hotels whenever possible. That way I get a break in a space that feels like it belongs to me.

Why are in- laws houses always so bloody cold!!

First time now-DH visited my DPs, I warned him it would be freezing and encouraged him to wear thin thermals

The very time DF turned up the heat to make the guest feel at home. Now-DH looked and felt like a boiled lobster.

He never really trusts my stories of what my parents were really like.

@GoodnightGrandma

Go home. Have the Christmas you want.

Utterly rude when people are hosting, who goes home because it’s hard work being a guest.

I get the awkward feeling, but if you're there and you're doing it for your DP (and it's not a one sided thing where you're always doing this sort of thing for him but he never does things your way) I think it's best to just treat it as an adventure. It's not the Christmas you like, but it doesn't have to be a matter of letting self-pity dominate. Try being proactive and friendly, going to where the action is and asking what you can do to help. If there's nothing to do to help then explore the area. Make your DP show you his favorite childhood Christmas traditions, or introduce you to old friends you've not met before, or something. If this isn't where he grew up then explore it together. Find a carol service or a bar or a scenic spot you can take photos being silly and share a flask of hot chocolate/mulled wine.

Basically, if what you don't like is the awkward sitting around, don't do it. Change things up.

Anybody remember that ad ''morgan! turn on the central heating'' and the adult kids are all there in their christmas jumpers and hats. And they're so delighted that 'daddy'' said they could turn on the central heating. That is my Dad. It was for a renault clio, so nothing to do with heat!

It all sounds HORRIBLE.. am so thankful it's just the kids & I.. I hope your Christmas day turns out better than expected - all of you who are away or have house guests.. hugs.

@ouchmyfeet

It's just other people's families. All their crap that you never enjoy just seems magnified at Christmas. It makes me miss my own family when I spend Christmas with DH's parents

Can we assume that DH feels the same when he has to tolerate your family or is he expected to 'support' you, ie not have his own opinion on anything?

Cold houses definitely a theme here. I would have said to my parents, not flying at Christmas to sit in a cold house. But I'd never have said that to in-laws. It's difficult.

so glad i'm single and my parents are too old for guests now. I have decided they're too old for guests.

I was almost always sick after Christmas at the in-laws. Zero sleep on the worlds most uncomfortable bed, heating on 24 hours a day full blast, no windows open. Never being allowed in the kitchen, never being allowed to eat or drink unless MIL was. Everyone going on about how ‘relaxing’ it was when it was anything but that. Urgh.

The dream we are sold. It has been snowing. A stone manor house in the Cotswolds, happy laughing people unloading presents from their cars in the gathering dusk, being greeted with hugs and a glass of champagne before being shown to bedrooms, where Diptyque candles are lit and everything has been prepared for their comfort. A wonderful dinner awaits, after carols around the Christmas tree lead by the local Salvation Army band. Several days of scenic walks, wonderful company and great food are happily anticipated.

The reality. Most posts on this thread

Go to bed and read for a bit?
Go to the pub with your DP?
Then there's midnight Mass tonight....can't miss that.
Make sure that DP is engaging with them and not doing that thing that men do, like bury his head in a paper or sky dports and leave you to do all the talking.
Most of all resolve that this is the last time you will be fine this.

ouchmyfeet
It's just other people's families.
All their crap that you never enjoy just seems magnified at Christmas. It makes me miss my own family when I spend Christmas with DH's parents 

Can we assume that DH feels the same when he has to tolerate your family or is he expected to 'support' you, ie not have his own opinion on anything?

Of course he's entitled to his opinion on my family. His parents live a long way away so we host them most Christmases for a long visit. He never has to spend a night with my family as they live much closer so we see them more often for day visits. I don't expect his support, i put myself out considerably every Christmas to host his miserable parents, I just expect him to make an effort with his own mother.

Hate being a guest anywhere..

Can't live the way other people do lol

@Ohsoready

We are at my DPs parents for Christmas. We’ve been here for a day and I’m exhausted. They are lovely people but I feel so utter awkward! Getting up, getting ready what are we doing now what are we doing later, what’s the plan…? I just want to chill watch a bit of TV but the phone is constantly ringing. Someone calling in to say hi… and I’m exhausted.

The house is is cold, the sofas are uncomfortable. I don’t eat certain things and I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

I constantly feel like I should be doing things. Anything. Helping out with anything but I can’t really because I’m not home and it’s just odd.

They are lovely and I feel terrible, but I’m slightly regretting coming. I just want to dig a hole and sit in it until the holidays are over ☹️

That's like going back in time to the second half of the 80s, when I was persuaded by my (male) partner to go to his parents' house for Xmas 4 years in a row (I'd given up going to my family as Xmas just wasn't really a thing for them). What you've described was exactly how it was for me.

On Boxing Day of year 4, when we got up I asked him what the plan for the day was and he said "More of the same". I dragged him out for a walk and said that if he ever asked me to do this again I would rip his head right off.

Just the wrong people I fear

First Christmas I went to my in-laws I got drunk within hours, fell asleep on a sofa, and that was all fine with them

Some people just can’t relax though

I feel my in-laws are quite superior hosts for making me , or anyone, feel I can behave like that .

They now do the same when they come here

We had 1 Christmas with the in-laws. I was heavily pregnant, had high blood pressure so felt awful and got really upset having to dress up when if I'd been at Mum's I could have gone in my PJ's. MIL cooked pheasant and roast potatoes in goose fat.... I'm vegetarian and had offered 3 times to take something but she wouldn't hear of it. So I was fat, wobbling, hormonal and had a plate of veg for my lunch..... couldn't even have gravy as it was made from the meat juices. They also have a very "interactive" Christmas with lots of games... so by the time it was 4pm, I was starving, cranky and fed up with "oh well done" and "it's your turn"........... I ended up in hospital on Boxing Day due to my blood pressure and gave birth on New Year's Eve.

We have had every Christmas since in our own home

Ah, sorry OP. That's so claustrophobic. Are you going to be able to leave on Boxing Day? Can you pretend to be ill and get a little lie down? Will you be able to get some time to decompress when you get home? I'd be making a mental list of things to do when it's over.

Anyway, so my advice is to drink and then nap