Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

[justventing21]

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

Did you find the counselling helpful in the past, OP? It can be a bit hit and miss in my experience. It's usually most helpful if you know exactly what you want to get out of it. But sometimes that might just be someone to listen and give you a chance to hear your own thoughts.

Have you ever done the freedom programme? I think you might find it useful. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Uh oh
Go have your baby with someone else s support. Family? Friends?
He used going vto be a nice parent is he?
Do you have job? Access to your own money?

@GCAndProud

It sounds so awful. Honestly, the way you are describing it is as if he is a 17-year old kid who occasionally babysits his younger sibling so that his mum can have a break. This is equally his child and he is equally responsible for her. To just lie there next door while your child screams until your sick and pregnant wife is forced to go upstairs is disgraceful. He knows exactly what he's doing too and he doesn't think he should need to pull his weight because it's women's work. Grim. Your DD shouldn't have to grow up seeing this as what men are like.

Yeah that's not cool at all. I'm doing all night shifts at the moment and there have been a lot because she's been sick a lot lately. I don't mind the night shifts when he works, because he needs to function in the day. I'm not long away from mat leave and taking it easier in my job and I also work from home and he doesn't. But when he's on holiday, like now, he could sometimes go in and calm her.

and of course that's where our problems start, because I barge in and go nuts on him and then he goes equally nuts back. So it creates a toxic atmosphere between us.

He still thinks he deserves a lie in and time off. I've told him plenty of times that neither of us really do. We are parents now and we have to stop chasing it. Or we really divide it up and give each other PROPER
breaks. He doesn't get it and feels resentful that he ' never gets a break '. I never get a break either though ! Even at night !

@Embracelife

Uh oh Go have your baby with someone else s support. Family? Friends? He used going vto be a nice parent is he? Do you have job? Access to your own money?

Yes I have very supportive family and I also have my own money and we own everything 50:50. I also have a good, well paid stable career.

I'm not forced to stay in this situation for financial reasons.

It's just one long power trip with this guy. He drives the car too fast just because you can't stop him.
My ex literally used to do this and go on (and on) about his night shifts being some sort of get out of all family life thing.

He's my ex. I've never regretted that

He was deliberately trying to frighten/intimidate you with the speeding thing @justventing21 . It's a form of controlling abuse as you (and your baby) couldn't get out of the car.

Telling you to shut up when you are frightened and involuntarily scream (imagine, a man making his wife scream in terror) is verbal/psychological abuse.

He was also gaslighting you about the speed/risk.

He's no use to you in everyday life, you (rightfully) don't want sex with him, and his family are awful too.

Marriage is really difficult. I have yet to see one that's always happy.

There are plenty that don't have things like the husband deliberately terrifying the wife, verbal abuse, gaslighting, being useless, dreadful in-laws, no sex. Let alone a combination of all these.

You have no idea the kind of house I grew up in then. Our marriage is blissful compared to that.

It can still be so much better OP, with a decent guy. Or better to be on your own than put up with all this or the constant implicit threat of this now he's done it a few times.

The more I read and the more I write myself, I see how my expectations are very low and how I don't want to live like this forever.

Great stuff @justventing21 , keep going.

That's just one small example. He doesn't always do that. But it makes me go into an absolute rage. I'm no angel and get really shouty when I'm in a mood like that.

It's not a bad thing to assert yourself and say how he's acting is not ok. Even a lot of angels carry a sword, they're not fluffy, they fight for what they think is right.

Counselling would definitely help- I often get therapy for one thing or another, as I want to improve myself/life.

and of course that's where our problems start, because I barge in and go nuts on him and then he goes equally nuts back

He could just acknowledge what he's been like, go 'ah ok, sorry I've been a bit crap, I'll up my game.' Yelling back at you is a way of trying to stop you asserting yourself/standing up to him as often as you otherwise would/should.

He doesn't get it and feels resentful that he ' never gets a break '. I never get a break either though ! Even at night !

That just shows how self absorbed he is. And that he thinks it's your job really. How dare you expect him to do more with his kid?

Imagine your DD writing that OP in 20-30 years time. How would it make you feel? Unless you teach her that women are worth more than being scared to prove a point, being treated as un-equal in their home, then your DD will accept that as "normal behaviour" from a man. Don't allow that to happen. You and she are worth so much more. Hard though it is, if he doesn't drastically change his ways (and TBH I'm not holding out much hope on that), you need to leave, show your DD a better way.

He sounds dreadful and I am not surprised you hate spending time with him. Obviously being pregnant with his child is not ideal but making a plan to split at some point is a good idea. At least you are self supporting financially and have a supportive family so you will be ok.

Also never get in a car with him again or let your children go with him. He needs anger management sessions.

*Yes I have very supportive family and I also have my own money and we own everything 50:50. I also have a good, well paid stable career.

I'm not forced to stay in this situation for financial reasons.*

So you have no excuse to keep your DC in an abusive situation, other than you choosing to? Op i think you really need to accept the situation as abusive and make a decision to want better for you and your DC. Agree with all other posters.

Yes, leave. My aunt was killed in a car crash and it destroyed our family. Putting his foot down as a way to bully and gaslight is unforgiveable.

Genuine question OP - if it’s your lifelong belief that no relationship is happy and most people are plodding through life enduring rather than enjoying them, why choose to be in a relationship? If you think they’re that miserable - and yours certainly is - why not think, fuck this, I’d rather be single than have all the misery a relationship brings? If you think they’re all bad anyway, why be/stay in one rather than leaving and being happier? Just because you think everyone else is doing it (and they’re not) doesn’t mean you have to as well.

My ex did the same thing with driving when I was pregnant . He was abusive in lots of ways . In the end he kicked me in the stomach and my son was born 15 days early . I still stayed with him 6 months after he was born and then had to leave as an emergency as he threw glass at myself when feeding my son amongst other things .
Please get out now , don’t try to make things ‘work’
My son is 10 now and has SEN I always carry guilt wondering if partly it was due to being kicked .

Also he’s not seen his dad since the day I left . He did go to court and they didn’t award contact . Instead of pursuing things he luckily gave up and as we live a long distance away it was a real blessing .

You deserve better and so does your baby

I agree when you say you have very low expectations of marriage, probably because you lived as a child with unhappy ( ?abusive) parents?

I did too, and made a desperately unhappy and abusive marriage. But I git out because i didn't want my kids to have that experience, It tried so hard to 'fix' it; but you cant fix someone else behaviour. my (ex)husband, like yours. behaved like a complete shit because he could and he terrified me. Life is so much better away from him..

give your children a chance to grow up without that horrible toxic example in front of them ...

Omg... i am actually coming on to say LTB.... driving like that and caling you a phycho for wanting him to slow down..does he even care about you and his baby!

He needs anger management sessions.

@Cornishclio I imagine he controls how he expresses his anger in most circumstances except with his wife. It's an intimidation tactic to try and impose a heirarchy with him at the top.

Yes, leave. My aunt was killed in a car crash and it destroyed our family. Putting his foot down as a way to bully and gaslight is unforgiveable.

@JennyForeigner So sorry you lost your auntie. @justventing21 He might pretend it's not, but this is serious.

Genuine question OP - if it’s your lifelong belief that no relationship is happy and most people are plodding through life enduring rather than enjoying them, why choose to be in a relationship? If you think they’re that miserable - and yours certainly is - why not think, fuck this, I’d rather be single than have all the misery a relationship brings? If you think they’re all bad anyway, why be/stay in one rather than leaving and being happier? Just because you think everyone else is doing it (and they’re not) doesn’t mean you have to as well.

I won't live with a man for this reason. Seen to much of my father and my partners' moods making living with them stressful and unpleasant. I love my own space, so love not living with anyone else. If I have a partner we could have a great relationship but still live apart.

My ex husband used to do that because he knew it scared me.

It sounds like your relationship has been on the rocks since baby #1 came along (or maybe before). Was baby #2 planned? You’re bringing 2 dc into a hostile, toxic home environment. Do you want your dc to grow up thinking that relationships like this are normal?

Look at the subject line of your OP. If you’re unhappy, that’s enough to take steps to leave. In addition to his using the car as an abusive weapon of course. I come to MN for a balance of opinions (and it’s no coincidence that I clicked on your post) but I’ve not read a single response to your message that tells you to stay, it’ll be fine, it’s just a blip, he can change. MNers have spoken!

@Greensmoothie1

It sounds like your relationship has been on the rocks since baby #1 came along (or maybe before). Was baby #2 planned? You’re bringing 2 dc into a hostile, toxic home environment. Do you want your dc to grow up thinking that relationships like this are normal?

Apparently OP wanted a sibling for their first child

Yes I did want a sibling and also we've been working on things so I have / had the hope things can / would get better. The driving car fast angry thing has never happened before. Things have deteriorated a lot recently.

He's now acting hurt and not talking at all.

My ex husband used to do that because he knew it scared me.

@Littlegoth I had one that used to be controlling, partly using the car. So he'd drive off and leave me with no way to get home/I'd have to ask him to come back to fetch me as I didn't have any money on me. Or if we were on a night out and said the wrong thing on the way back, he'd stop wherever we were and say, 'everyone out of the car now!'

I think cars can be a very useful tool for abusive and controlling men. men.

I think it really upset him what I said.

God OP all your posts are so… depressing. There are couples out there that are happy you know? There are good men out there that don’t abuse and berate their partners. Who respect the women in lives. Who absolutely do more than their fair share. It’s not some mumsnet myth and it’s really sad that you think so.

You stayed with him because things were ‘bearable’ and ‘ok’ before but he clearly doesn’t give a shit about your or has any respect for you. Who on earth has taught you this is acceptable? It’s really sad that your daughter is going to learn all this from you and the cycle will continue.

And then there’s all the stuff that happened today with the car and you’re not even entertaining the idea of leaving him. You literally said you hate him but… he’s bearable?

For the sake of your children, raise your bar and get some self respect.

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