Just told my husband I hate him and he makes me unhappy

[justventing21]

It seems like lately we are constantly fighting.

We went shopping earlier and I really tried to stay patient. I followed him for about an hour, looking at tools etc. Even though we had mainly gone for food.

Anyway at some point I said, we should buy food now come on let's get on with it. He got annoyed and wanted to leave.

I left early to wait in the car, when he got back, he called me stupid as I left the lights on while waiting in the car. I had only waited 10 minutes and the battery wasn't going to go flat that quickly.

He then berated me about what a nightmare I am to shop with. I said I really tried to be patient and we were in there for over an hour. I'm pregnant so I was anxious as there were a lot of people. I said, I really tried my best. To me we were coming for food and not for a three hour jolly.

Anyway he kept going and I said he's always complaining about going shopping with me etc and that he's so negative. Things escalated and we came to a long stretch of road and he just hit the accelerator really hard and started driving really really fast. He does this sometimes and I absolutely hate it and go ballistic every time he does it.

But it felt worse because it was done in anger and I'm also heavily pregnant. So I screamed for him to stop and he told me to just shut up you psycho.

I then just completely lost it and told him I hated him and he doesn't make me happy and I hate spending time with him.

I know that's really harsh, but I was so so angry he had done the speeding thing. We have a fast car and it's really scary, I hate it so much when he does it.

Now he's not talking to me and I'm not talking to him and he said he's not apologising and I've crossed the line. I'm just so tired.

OP that’s a very depressing outlook. Just because other people around you might have substandard relationships they’re unhappy in doesnt mean you have to stay in this one. There is no rule saying once you’re married you have to just put up with it. You can choose your own happiness. I didn’t grow up in a charming healthy household and my boundaries were screwed for ages but a lot of therapy has shown me that none of that is normal or ok, and I do have the choice and the power to leave. I know it’s harder with a child and a baby on the way but your kids won’t thank you for bringing them up in this environment. You’re allowed to be happy and it sounds like being single would be infinitely preferable over staying married to this vile abuser.

@justventing21

Perhaps I don't really know what to model a relationship on because I don't really know any ' good ' ones.

Most people I know sort of plod along. Even amongst friends, the resentment is clearly visible. So I assume it's just everyone that's unhappy and that's just what marriage is.

You have fireworks at the start. But then it's just a hard slog for the rest of your life. That's OKish maybe 80 percent of the time and terrible for about 20 percent of the time.

There are lots of unhappy relationships out there. Domestic abuse is really common and over 40% of marriages end in divorce. But the fact that your friends are also in relationships that are at best okay and at worst terrible doesn't mean that this is an okay situation to raise your kids in. It's also pretty common for adults to have been raised in miserable conditions (as you say you were). That will be your kids in the future. Surely being on your own would be significantly better than this? I just don't get what you get out of this relationship. Are you willing to do this for the rest of your life?

@justventing21, I wouldn’t say my life is perfect and my marriage is perfect and all 50/50. Otherwise I wouldn’t be contemplating divorce.

BUT the big difference between you and me is that I am refusing to be treated like the maid. I am refusing to live with someone who thinks scaring me is an ok thing to do. I am refusing to accept the 20% that is awful (not just bad but terrible as per your post…).

The fantastic thing you have is choice.
CHOICE to leave if you want to. Choice to be single and bring your dcs up in a respectful way. Choice to break that cycle of terrible relationships.

@justventing21 maybe ask that this gets moved to the relationship board, as some of the replies are far from helpful (and are quite goody).

Firstly, his behaviour was in no way okay and nor is the gaslighting and the DARVO (defend, attack, reverse victim and Offender) by him.

Have you ever heard of the boiling frog analogy in abusive relationships? It’s a slow increase in heat over time, until you are the boiling frog.

You need to leave and protect both of your children from the emotional abuse and coercion.

@TedMullins

OP that’s a very depressing outlook. Just because other people around you might have substandard relationships they’re unhappy in doesnt mean you have to stay in this one. There is no rule saying once you’re married you have to just put up with it. You can choose your own happiness. I didn’t grow up in a charming healthy household and my boundaries were screwed for ages but a lot of therapy has shown me that none of that is normal or ok, and I do have the choice and the power to leave. I know it’s harder with a child and a baby on the way but your kids won’t thank you for bringing them up in this environment. You’re allowed to be happy and it sounds like being single would be infinitely preferable over staying married to this vile abuser.

This with bells on.

Please, OP take steps to leave this man.

And please, please for the sake of your unborn child, if not for yourself, read this ;

www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-and-pregnancy/

www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-and-pregnancy/

Why have you posted here, and ignored everyone’s advice?

Your relationship is toxic. And having a baby and sleepless nights is not going to help. You need to leave.

#goady!

I lived with someone like this- nightmare to go shopping with unless it was something for him.angry driver - he's was angry 98% of the time. Life was miserable with him. It"s a million times better now!

Yours won't get any better , factor in stress of having a new baby.you really need to end it. Make a plan to leave safely.It will only get worse. Don't put him on the birth certificate. As soon as you do he has PR.

@gonnabeok

I lived with someone like this- nightmare to go shopping with unless it was something for him.angry driver - he's was angry 98% of the time. Life was miserable with him. It"s a million times better now!

Yours won't get any better , factor in stress of having a new baby.you really need to end it. Make a plan to leave safely.It will only get worse. Don't put him on the birth certificate. As soon as you do he has PR.

Unfortunately as they are married he would have PR anyway. He sounds like the type who probably wouldn’t be arsed about seeing his kids much though as it would be too much hard work.

I agree that it seems disproportionate on MN that then men just willingly do 50/50 and I haven't really seen that. That being said, I sat down with DH a year or so ago and listed it all out and what he needed to pitch in and do. And he was surprised and then felt horrible and now he does it (we're still working on the mental load, but the chores and childcare he does his share now or more). So I think the difference between your relationship and most others is that your DH whines at you, berates you about it, and just generally refuses to change.

I don't generally think people change, but my friends husband did change for the better after they had their son a while ago. They fought nonstop during the pregnancy and then just stopped. No idea why. I hope in your case once baby's here things get better and that you have a plan and safety net for yourself if they do.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Why have you posted here, and ignored everyone’s advice?

Your relationship is toxic. And having a baby and sleepless nights is not going to help. You need to leave.

I'm not ignoring the advice. What do you want me to say ?

Yup, I'm off ?

I'm taking it on board, but also showing you what I think about relationships in general. I'm posting here to hear other people's experiences and also to share my own opinion / experience.

The more I read and the more I write myself, I see how my expectations are very low and how I don't want to live like this forever.

I'm not ignoring it, just because I am also writing my thoughts and beliefs that I've held my entire life.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Why have you posted here, and ignored everyone’s advice?

Your relationship is toxic. And having a baby and sleepless nights is not going to help. You need to leave.

Probably because the only advice has been to leave him, and that's not always easily doable at the moment. She's heavily pregnant, likely about the go on maternity leave, with a toddler. She may not be ready or willing to break up her family yet even at a cost to herself. And perhaps she still loves him and has hope he will change. It's not black and white unfortunately and not very fair to pile on someone who's taking the first step and reaching out, even anonymously.

@Rtmhwales

I agree that it seems disproportionate on MN that then men just willingly do 50/50 and I haven't really seen that. That being said, I sat down with DH a year or so ago and listed it all out and what he needed to pitch in and do. And he was surprised and then felt horrible and now he does it (we're still working on the mental load, but the chores and childcare he does his share now or more). So I think the difference between your relationship and most others is that your DH whines at you, berates you about it, and just generally refuses to change.

I don't generally think people change, but my friends husband did change for the better after they had their son a while ago. They fought nonstop during the pregnancy and then just stopped. No idea why. I hope in your case once baby's here things get better and that you have a plan and safety net for yourself if they do.

I have also had many chats with him about the help required. And he has changed and does try.

But sometimes he still complains I'm nagging, which I find really frustrating because it's just a way to try to shut women down.

On the whole, he's been trying a lot more to do his bit. But it's still not always enough.

Example, I'm sleeping downstairs sometimes because of my back. He sleeps right next door to DD. DD starts screaming and he jus will not get out of bed to put her dummy in or settle her. I wait to see if he does it, but he won't. So I storm upstairs, pregnant and exhausted ( I also suffer from HG, so I feel sick most of the time ). And I'm raging at this point. Why can't you just go in one time and settle her ??

That's just one small example. He doesn't always do that. But it makes me go into an absolute rage. I'm no angel and get really shouty when I'm in a mood like that.

I hate him too OP and I haven't even met him. I don't need to. He is deliberately frightening and endangering his pregnant wife and whoever happens to be around. He actually escalated to criminal behaviour in reaction to disappointment about a shopping trip.

I'm so sorry you are in such an awful situation and no doubt feeling very alone and anxious. It's not how it should be.

I agree with the posters who are urging you to leave. I also know how difficult it is to leave an abuser especially during pregnancy. However it will be the best decision you will ever make. In all likelihood it will save your life and well-being, and that of your baby.

Usually women in this sort of situation have experienced abuse growing up and are unaware just how terrible their relationship is, they think it's normal to feel scared and disrespected. It isn't.

Example, I'm sleeping downstairs sometimes because of my back. He sleeps right next door to DD. DD starts screaming and he jus will not get out of bed to put her dummy in or settle her. I wait to see if he does it, but he won't. So I storm upstairs, pregnant and exhausted (I also suffer from HG, so I feel sick most of the time). And I'm raging at this point. Why can't you just go in one time and settle her

I’m so sorry, OP. That’s so fucking shit.

I just had a flashback of my father doing this when he was angry at me when I was a teenager. It was terrifying, and he told me I was a baby for crying and he was totally in control (at nearly 100 miles an hour). I don't throw out LTB's very often, but you certainly get one.

I would leave him. Think how much more peaceful things will be. And you’ll never have to spend an hour looking at tools again.

You say he's trying to do his bit. If he won't get up in the night for his child, forcing his sick and pregnant wife to do it, what exactly is this "bit" he is so valiantly trying to do?

@DrSbaitso

You say he's trying to do his bit. If he won't get up in the night for his child, forcing his sick and pregnant wife to do it, what exactly is this "bit" he is so valiantly trying to do?

Generally helps with bed time / bath time. Lifts her and carries her if needed. He's cleaning up a bit more without being asked to.

Sometimes I can just go and have a rest for a couple of hours and he'll take care of her. He's on holiday at the moment.

The more I read and the more I write myself, I see how my expectations are very low and how I don't want to live like this forever.

That's a good thing to start to see, OP.

Also to see it for your DC. You can have a happy life, and so can they. It's more than possible. It's within your control.

Couples counselling is not a good idea when one partner is abusive. But individual counselling, for you, is a very good idea. Why don't you think about getting some counselling, just to talk this all through with someone neutral? That could be a really positive step forward for now.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Why have you posted here, and ignored everyone’s advice?

Your relationship is toxic. And having a baby and sleepless nights is not going to help. You need to leave.

More to the point, why have you posted here? Clearly you have no knowledge of the complexities of abusive relationships.

@justventing21

Just the fact you consider his parenting as "helping" rather than as a responsible parent in his own right is concerning. Your bar is very low.

@beastlyslumber

The more I read and the more I write myself, I see how my expectations are very low and how I don't want to live like this forever.

That's a good thing to start to see, OP.

Also to see it for your DC. You can have a happy life, and so can they. It's more than possible. It's within your control.

Couples counselling is not a good idea when one partner is abusive. But individual counselling, for you, is a very good idea. Why don't you think about getting some counselling, just to talk this all through with someone neutral? That could be a really positive step forward for now.

I've had a lot of counselling. Maybe it's time to go back. I think I'll definitely need the extra support when the baby comes !

It sounds so awful. Honestly, the way you are describing it is as if he is a 17-year old kid who occasionally babysits his younger sibling so that his mum can have a break. This is equally his child and he is equally responsible for her. To just lie there next door while your child screams until your sick and pregnant wife is forced to go upstairs is disgraceful. He knows exactly what he's doing too and he doesn't think he should need to pull his weight because it's women's work. Grim. Your DD shouldn't have to grow up seeing this as what men are like.

Sometimes I can just go and have a rest for a couple of hours and he'll take care of her.

And how much time does he get off while you take care of her?