To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

[WheelieBinPrincess]

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

@alphonsotheunrepentant

Google is useful here. Seems like lots of UK base autism charities when I search. Some local, some national (like the NAS). Many seem to offer support to families for managing challenging behaviour through education and support for example such as Child Autism UK.

But yeah, absolutely no charities...

@Eleganz

I think people need to take a look at the relevant legislation as to what constitutes a statuary nuisance. Regular noise at unsociable hours is a statuary nuisance and is not acceptable.

The fact that that noise comes form a teenager with ASD is neither here nor their. Either the occupier has to abate the noise or they can be served with notice and fined or charged for works performed by the council to abate the noise.

The idea that a baby and new mother being keep awake every night is the only reasonable thing to do to show sympathy for people with autism is ridiculous.

I don't think anybody has said that it's OK that the OP and her child are disturbed by her neighbour. Only that it isn't as simple as some make out to change that behaviour.

[quote Eleganz]@alphonsotheunrepentant

Google is useful here. Seems like lots of UK base autism charities when I search. Some local, some national (like the NAS). Many seem to offer support to families for managing challenging behaviour through education and support for example such as Child Autism UK.

But yeah, absolutely no charities...[/quote]
Have you attended any of these?

I have.

They aren't much use if your child has very challenging behaviour.

And a course doesn't help much when your faced with a full on meltdown by a boy who is the same size as you and you've got nobody to help

That's two, not many, @Eleganz. And where is the evidence they offer handouts?

@soapboxqueen

But the OP's neighbour has refused to do anything about it at all and it seems people on here are saying that is totally okay. That is the issue.

"OP does not have to accept being woken up regularly at 3 am by someone shouting because they have a disability."

If someone has a disability where the noise cannot be prevented ( not saying necessarily in this case) they won't get fined. Just so you no. Just like they don't fine parents of screaming babies.

I'm not going to dispute the existence of many autism charities but, as someone who has sought support for challenging behaviour, i can say that it is very limited as to who can access it and when, it doesnt necessarily support the problem you have and if you do access it, its not magic.

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

That's two, not many, *@Eleganz*. And where is the evidence they offer handouts?

I'm not Google. You said there was no support. 30 seconds on Google shows there is.

@Sleepyblueocean

"OP does not have to accept being woken up regularly at 3 am by someone shouting because they have a disability."

If someone has a disability where the noise cannot be prevented ( not saying necessarily in this case) they won't get fined. Just so you no. Just like they don't fine parents of screaming babies.

Shouting down a headset whilst gaming is not the same as a screaming baby!

The noise can be abated. The OPs neighbour is being unhelpful.

Sue the seller's that's obviously they left and didn't declare it

[quote Eleganz]@soapboxqueen

But the OP's neighbour has refused to do anything about it at all and it seems people on here are saying that is totally okay. That is the issue.[/quote]
I may have missed it but I don't think anyone has said it's OK. Simply that it may not be that easy to remedy the situation.

Has it crossed your mind that the mother has already tried everything she can think of? That this situation has arisen because it was the acceptable midpoint of what she and her son could achieve together?

No no. Much easier to assume she's just a useless mother.

It would drive me absolutely insane! My eldest has SEN needs (think ODD over ASD) He gets into a rage in 2 seconds flat over everything and anything BUT I will not tolerate him shouting and swearing past 8pm and he knows it.

The majority (not all) of parents with SEN kids literally do nothing but pander to their kids, letting them get away with everything and use no discipline whatsoever, God help them kids when they grow up and try to navigate a world that doesn't give a damn about their ASD.

I'd be ashamed and embarrassed if my kids were keeping neighbours awake through shouting and swearing and it would be the last time my kids had a console past 7pm

[quote Floundery]@Eleganz beyond a parenting of autistic course (and I have completed one myself) they will do FA. They certainly don’t soundproof rooms. I suspect they would say that is what DLA is for. I suspect the son in the OP’s scenario is too old for a course to be of any benefit.

Nobody is saying that the OP should just suck it up “because disabled”. But we don’t know whether the mother has tried and failed, is at the end of her own rope, genuinely cannot make the behaviours stop….or whether she just dgaf about the OP’s situation. I’d rather take the non-hateful approach and assume one of the former.

Please educate yourself about ASC - it’s not problem children who need more discipline. It’s a neurotype and a massive spectrum. The same goes for the Osp.

And I also winced at the “leverage” point. Awful.[/quote]
To be honest the neighbours response was massively unhelpful. If someone came round and complained that your teen with autism was shouting whilst gaming at 3 am keeping their young baby and them awake would you just tell them it was their hobby, shrug your shoulders and shut the door in their face and expect them to just put up with it?

I think you are putting yourself into a situation because you have children with autism and not seeing how the behaviour appears to the OP.

To be fair to @Eleganz there are indeed educational resources for parents of autistic children run by various charities. We attended a 10 week course when our ds was diagnosed. It was quite useful on how to navigate the school system, and very useful in terms of meeting other parents in the same boat and sharing tips (mutual support for coping with ignorance and bigotry, mostly)

I have never - and neither has anyone else I know (which is quite a lot of people, as I am autistic, have an autistic child and have worked with autistic children for 25 years) heard of anyone being given money/support/a grant of any sort to help with proofing their home against the noise an autistic child makes. Ever. It doesn't happen.

The posters who are making these derisory suggestions know damn well it doesn't happen, by the way. They don't care. "Get support from a charity or something" is ignorant-bigot-shorthand for "I don't care what happens to you, but you're inconveniencing ME, so find a way of solving it or I'll get the law on you".

Best ignored, on the whole.

Honestly please do not worry about it going on record. Just nip it in the bud now.
When selling hardly anyone ticks the box anyway. Nothing ever comes of it. It's just the way it is. Mumsnet seems to have got some kind of Chinese whispers which has morphed into a gospel fact that you will have to declare a very reasonable neighbour dispute on selling. Also, people come and go. In a few years, they may too, and the dispute will be meaningless.
When living in flats, this is pretty much a standard thing so please do not let people put you off talking action for a peaceful life.

@soapboxqueen

Do you really think that the response OP got is going to show her that that person has tried everything they can? I don't. She's been basically told to put up and shut up.

Much easier for people to try and claim that others are being discriminatory and thinking I'll of those with autistic children than actually thinking about the situation faced by the OP.

After talking to the lad, the next step would be boom box at the crack of Dawn when he's having a lie in. Take the baby for a walk, leave dad there with noise cancelling headphones on to respond when he or his mum come knocking. Say you'll stop waking him up at 7am if he stops waking you up at 1am.

Eleganz

There are indeed many charities. There is however very little if any direct support. I have two dc with asd: one who has very severe disabilities and challenging behaviour and complex needs. One who is easyish to manage and would not cause any difficulties to any neighbours. I have sought out plenty of support for my eldest and he has been in residential specialist schools and several care provisions who have also been unable to manage him. You don't have a bloody clue about living with challenging behaviour so I would stop posting crap about it.

I went on course for challenging behaviour i was only child who was non verbal and didnt understand language, it was all about how u talk to them and it just wasnt appropriate at all completely wasted my time, they wouldnt have it that these ways doesn't apply to me! They wanted me to carry on because they were worried they wouldnt get funding if they didnt get feedback on how good and usful it was 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Child who is non verbal

YANBU

Tell your neighbour you have ASD and get sensory overload to loud noises. That’ll shit her up

I’m autistic and this would be my biggest nightmare!!