To Think Having ASD Doesn’t Entitle You to This?

[WheelieBinPrincess]

Just moved into our own flat after many many years of renting/saving. Outskirts of London, zone 5, which explains why we’ve bought a flat and not a house, a flat was what we could afford. But it’s a nice place. Not a new build, for context, but not really old either. 70’s I think. We are on the ground floor. Above us live a single mum and her teenage son.

We’ve only been here three nights but have been kept up until 3am or so by what was quite obviously someone using headphones and shouting into a mouthpiece. DH was a gamer so I knew what was going on. Think ‘NOOOOOO!!!’ And ‘FUCCCCKKKKKKKK’ at random intervals. It’s incredibly loud.

We have a 3 month old baby. Sleep is obviously precious enough as it is, he still wakes 2/3 times in a night to feed.

Anyway, this morning we popped upstairs and the mum answers the door-explained that we just moved in, can hear all the shouting, please can it stop because it’s a very unsociable time of night to be dealing with that level of noise, we have a baby, DH has work etc etc. She was very apologetic and said it was her 15 year old son playing Fortnite, and she went to sleep with ear plugs in but that he wakes her up a lot too.

But then she said there wasn’t much she could do because her son has ASD, it’s his hobby and only way of being sociable as he games with others online, he considers these gamers his friends so he won’t be able to stop doing it. She said in time hopefully we’ll ‘filter out’ the noise. He gets carried away and he doesn’t do it on purpose but she said again about his ASD and repeated that that’s the way he is and there is nothing she can do. Then she said we hope we have a lovely Christmas and closed the door

Now, I know this is Mumsnet and I’ve been here a long time. So, before anyone asks-

No, we can’t ‘move bedrooms’
No, we can’t move
No, we can’t afford a detached house.

But surely we shouldn’t just have to put up with it?! They’re having a laugh right?

@danni0509
I am sorry to hear this. We had a similar situation.
Can you move to a more suitable accommodation?
We were able to secure him a residential place and he is thriving, but I appreciate this is not always an option.

@Thornrose

What is so vile about my comment? It's a fact that some parents pander to their SEN kids and allow them to do whatever they want without consequences because they have adhd/asd/odd/pda (insert sen need of choice) and as a mother of a child with ODD that crap doesn't roll with me, the rest of the world doesn't give a damn about your learning disability/behaviour issue/mental health problem, the kids who grow up being pondered to and left to do whatever they want because parents can't/won't/don't sort the negative behaviour out are going to seriously struggle in the real world when mummy and daddy aren't there to make excuses for their negative behaviours.

Special needs or not, SOME behaviours aren't acceptable and they need dealing with.

My ODDer screams and shouts when he's in a meltdown, he throws things, he gets aggressive but I can tell you right now it is NOT tolerated past 8pm. If he's getting gobby and shouting and swearing on his headset or his phone, I REMOVE THEM, difference is I don't make excuses for my kids negative behaviour and I physically remove items that are causing the dysregulation.

The mother in this case could easily remove the console and that's it problem solved, kid will kick off but until he can respect his neighbours he wouldn't be getting it back.

Having SEN needs does NOT entitle you to be an absolute nightmare to the neighbours.

Oh and for what it's worth I have BPD and I've never not been held accountable for my own actions in family/relationships/workplace/life. The world doesn't care about your diagnosis.

Do you think my child shouldn't be held accountable for the negative things he says and does when in the midst of a ODD rage? Should I be like most parents and lay down and let him get away with it all because he's got ODD? Should I make a million and one excuses for my kid? OR should I raise him to be a decent citizen, with the ability to take others into consideration and to learn he doesn't get his own way all the time and that life has consequences and other people won't put up with the negative behaviours (nor should they)

@x2boys

I find it very depressing that apparently some parents of children autism can't seem to grasp that if you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism ,and just because their kids can accept rules and boundaries ,other children like mine are so severely impacted they have no concept of rules and boundaries

Totally agree.

Tbh I find it harder than the general public who are just ignorant.

Just to weigh in on the whole 'accessing support'. I've desperately begged for all the support available. My son has an ehcp, he's in a specialist school. He has complex needs, completely non-verbal, can't gesture or sign, unable to communicate other than through screaming. He hurts himself, he headbangs, he takes chunks out of his hands, he scratches and hits himself. He hurts us. His learning disabilities are profound. He sleeps only four hours a night at best despite heavy combos of medication. He has a mental age of under 12 months and doesn't respond to his own name. We've had OT input, three SALT sessions three years ago. One parenting course which was completely irrelevant to someone like him. Social services have been completely absent despite me reaching out constantly. Charities give out the same old advice we've heard before and is also irrelevant to him. All the DLA goes on making the house safe for him, and my every waking moment which is 20 hours a day is spent stopping him hurting himself. Out and about he's confined to a specialist buggy for his own safety. Life is beyond hard, and he's only 6. The direct help we get...? None. Absolutely none. To think it's just that easy is so insulting and depressing. I'm not commenting on the OP's situation, but just wanted to give an accurate impression of 'support' from someone who wishes there was some.

@Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy you actually said the majority of parents. Which is what I objected too.

^ShouldI be like most parents^

There you go again calling out most and the majority of parents.

@Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy

How old is your child though?

Are you still going to be able to remove stuff when they are a teenager?

[quote Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy]@Thornrose

What is so vile about my comment? It's a fact that some parents pander to their SEN kids and allow them to do whatever they want without consequences because they have adhd/asd/odd/pda (insert sen need of choice) and as a mother of a child with ODD that crap doesn't roll with me, the rest of the world doesn't give a damn about your learning disability/behaviour issue/mental health problem, the kids who grow up being pondered to and left to do whatever they want because parents can't/won't/don't sort the negative behaviour out are going to seriously struggle in the real world when mummy and daddy aren't there to make excuses for their negative behaviours.

Special needs or not, SOME behaviours aren't acceptable and they need dealing with.

My ODDer screams and shouts when he's in a meltdown, he throws things, he gets aggressive but I can tell you right now it is NOT tolerated past 8pm. If he's getting gobby and shouting and swearing on his headset or his phone, I REMOVE THEM, difference is I don't make excuses for my kids negative behaviour and I physically remove items that are causing the dysregulation.

The mother in this case could easily remove the console and that's it problem solved, kid will kick off but until he can respect his neighbours he wouldn't be getting it back.

Having SEN needs does NOT entitle you to be an absolute nightmare to the neighbours.

Oh and for what it's worth I have BPD and I've never not been held accountable for my own actions in family/relationships/workplace/life. The world doesn't care about your diagnosis.

Do you think my child shouldn't be held accountable for the negative things he says and does when in the midst of a ODD rage? Should I be like most parents and lay down and let him get away with it all because he's got ODD? Should I make a million and one excuses for my kid? OR should I raise him to be a decent citizen, with the ability to take others into consideration and to learn he doesn't get his own way all the time and that life has consequences and other people won't put up with the negative behaviours (nor should they)[/quote]
This! 100 times this.
I could have written this myself.

@bigkicks

Just to weigh in on the whole 'accessing support'. I've desperately begged for all the support available. My son has an ehcp, he's in a specialist school. He has complex needs, completely non-verbal, can't gesture or sign, unable to communicate other than through screaming. He hurts himself, he headbangs, he takes chunks out of his hands, he scratches and hits himself. He hurts us. His learning disabilities are profound. He sleeps only four hours a night at best despite heavy combos of medication. He has a mental age of under 12 months and doesn't respond to his own name. We've had OT input, three SALT sessions three years ago. One parenting course which was completely irrelevant to someone like him. Social services have been completely absent despite me reaching out constantly. Charities give out the same old advice we've heard before and is also irrelevant to him. All the DLA goes on making the house safe for him, and my every waking moment which is 20 hours a day is spent stopping him hurting himself. Out and about he's confined to a specialist buggy for his own safety. Life is beyond hard, and he's only 6. The direct help we get...? None. Absolutely none. To think it's just that easy is so insulting and depressing. I'm not commenting on the OP's situation, but just wanted to give an accurate impression of 'support' from someone who wishes there was some.

I'm sorry. That sounds very difficult indeed. Your situation highlights the idiocy of posts like @Eleganz's, as though you can just wave a magic wand and all sorts of resources will be made available to you.

[quote Floundery]@Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy Your post is an absolute disgrace. I’ll say it again, apply any other protected characteristic you like and you’d be banned before you could say “hate speech”.

I’m not going to report it, because if it (like the title) is allowed to remain despite the awful discriminatory language, then it proves my point that @MNHQ don’t actually bother to moderate for this.

Then you can all get back to the real purpose of this thread, which is obviously to skewer ASC children and their parents.[/quote]
MNHQ allow horrible posts about autism all of the time. It is shameful.

My son has adhd and autism. Gaming ends at 10pm on weekends. That wouldn't fly in my house and his electronics would be taken off him if he did that.

I live in a detached so no neighbours to annoy and the cut off is still 10pm.

I agree entirely. But a thread title such as “AIBU to think you shouldn’t be allowed to do X just because you’re black?” (for example) might not be so well tolerated.

Why do people always use being black as an example to prove their point. You really could have said anything else

@WheelieBinPrincess

Did the previous owner inform you of the noisy neighbour?

@Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy the most baffling thing about your post is why you tolerate the behaviour from your child before 8pm, if the only thing you have to do to stop it is decide to not is tolerate it.

@Thornrose that's because MOST parents (from looking at threads like this here and on Facebook etc and real life) are pandering to their kids and letting them get away with everything!

It's difficult, we get that, we KNOW it's difficult but that doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer because you can't deal with your kids negative behaviours.

Like I said I'm a parent with BPD and a son with ODD. I just don't pander to him, basically I parent him to know actions have consequences and certain things won't be tolerated, excessive noise is one of them.

The offended are usually the ones who pander and lay down and let their kids get away with everything and use their SEN label as an excuse whenever the kid acts up to make people feel guilty for even mentioning the negative behaviours.

My ds plays drums - he has a cut off time at 10pm - our neighbours (attached side) have a young son although I doubt his bedroom is backing onto DS’s.
Ok, he’s not ASD but he does have some MH issues and his hobbies keep him grounded, but not at 3am.
The mum is being unreasonable for sure, but in the meantime I’d find some solutions to block our the noise (ds used to game loads and it’s very annoying but drum
Noise carries even further!).

@BusBusBus because at 8pm his brother goes to bed basically. He knows not to be loud after 8pm because that's how he's been raised.

[quote Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy]@Thornrose that's because MOST parents (from looking at threads like this here and on Facebook etc and real life) are pandering to their kids and letting them get away with everything!

It's difficult, we get that, we KNOW it's difficult but that doesn't mean everyone else has to suffer because you can't deal with your kids negative behaviours.

Like I said I'm a parent with BPD and a son with ODD. I just don't pander to him, basically I parent him to know actions have consequences and certain things won't be tolerated, excessive noise is one of them.

The offended are usually the ones who pander and lay down and let their kids get away with everything and use their SEN label as an excuse whenever the kid acts up to make people feel guilty for even mentioning the negative behaviours.[/quote]
That's an awful lot of words you've used to say, ' I know about my child and nothing about someone else's and yet still think the situations are the same'

[quote Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy]@BusBusBus because at 8pm his brother goes to bed basically. He knows not to be loud after 8pm because that's how he's been raised.[/quote]
Why didnt you raise him not to scream, shout and throw things before 8pm too though. All you need to do is raise him to never do it. I dont think the police will care that he isnt agressive after 8 when he goes out into the world.

@TowandaForever he is a teenager. It's pretty easy to remove his stuff tbh

@Floundery one of my kids literally has ODD, I myself have BPD do you think he should be allowed to do whatever he wants without facing any consequences? On that note should I be allowed to do what I want because of a mental health condition?

Where does the boundary lie?