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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down with DS contact with his Dad

76 replies

squidward4 · 23/12/2021 10:59

Awful relationship with my ex (down to him). DS is 7 and goes to his Dad's 9 nights a month. Ex works shifts so I get sent 3 months of dates at a time of when he wants them. Although there are some weekends in these dates, a lot of them are weeknights.

There are 3 other children at his Dad's (2 are young) so it's quite chaotic there. DS says he doesn't get much sleep as he's woken up a lot by his siblings. He shares a room with his step sibling. His teacher has been noticing that DS is tired at school when he's staying at his Dad's and has spoken to me on a few occasions now about this.

His Dad also doesn't do homework so when there's a weekly deadline for it to be done it means we're having to cram it all in on one or two nights.

I talk to ex through a third party and suggested that he could try and have him more weekends and less weeknights and was told no, that doesn't work with his shifts.

I've just had the next 3 months worth of dates through and most of them are week days. I would never stop DS from going there but I'm now at a point where I want to say you're more than welcome to have him at weekends but so many week days are no longer working.

I have posted about the ex before, but I'm at the end of my tether now (he's just generally awful!).

YABU - it's fine for DS to continue going on weekdays and I should butt out.

YANBU - it's my ex's choice to work shifts so it's tough if he can't accommodate.

OP posts:
Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 15:37

[quote squidward4]@RandomMess I actually have no idea when he takes his annual leave but if I remember rightly he gets approximately 30 days a year, as well as all of his days off / rest days.

@Jessie75 DS suffers from anxiety, both 'regular' and separation (from me), and one of his biggest triggers is not knowing when he is due to see his Dad again as contact is so random! [/quote]
I honestly don’t think going to mediation and potentially court would be a bad thing in your case at all he clearly just bullies you.

If you can get everything documented around the anxiety, Just literally keep a diary that would be helpful in the future

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 15:39

@Jessie75 We had mediation last year, he deducted his fees for it from his monthly maintenance for DS so that month I got nothing!
Mediation didn't end up working (he just shouted at me and lied throughout) so she provided me with the necessary paperwork but the date on that has now expired unfortunately as I was too worried about going to court.

OP posts:
Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 15:40

He doesn’t get to make deductions.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 15:42

@Jessie75 I know, but he did which meant I essentially paid for both mine and his sessions and got no maintenance for DS that month. It was awful!

OP posts:
Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 15:44

Only you can decide how much you want to fight this. On other theeads I’ve discussed I’m fighting tooth and nail for money that I haven’t been paid following my divorce and my brother repeatedly tells me that the 60 grand isn’t worth it and it’s doing so much damage to my mental health and the kids that I should just let the money go …. it’s hard, it really is hard because every bone in my body says well that’s what he wants isnt it.

The situation sounds pretty similar with you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2021 15:48

Reading your updates, I think you should take exh to court so that he only has an appropriate number of nights.

Also get the school to speak to him directly regarding tiredness. They can’t make it ds’s problem at 7.

Finally record everything - the court needs to see the effects of the tiredness so they can understand that nine nights there is not appropriate

lisaandalan · 23/12/2021 16:34

Can you not just send him on the days that are weekends, or go to court or something to discuss how this is affecting his schooling. X

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 16:58

@lisaandalan If I only let him go on the odd weekend that is asked for then I'll get accused of withholding DS for contact.

OP posts:
SnugKnights · 23/12/2021 16:58

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Reading your updates, I think you should take exh to court so that he only has an appropriate number of nights.

Also get the school to speak to him directly regarding tiredness. They can’t make it ds’s problem at 7.

Finally record everything - the court needs to see the effects of the tiredness so they can understand that nine nights there is not appropriate

I agree and I think you should put your foot down and tell him the days your son is available for contact and he can take it or leave it. He can try to swap shifts, book annual leave, get his partner to look after him (of your son would be ok with that). Just like millions of other parents do around the country, he needs to rearrange his life around his child’s needs!
SnugKnights · 23/12/2021 16:59

It doesn’t matter what he accuses you of, you know you’re doing what is best for your son and that’s all that matters. Don’t let him get inside your head.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 17:16

@SnugKnights He doesn't seem to see the fact that all contact is planned around his shifts and is therefore for his benefit and not our son's.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 23/12/2021 17:23

I'd go to court and point out all this.

Or alternatively if you don't mind the money loss I'd suggest less nights with EX but keeping the CSA the same amount.

Do you stay home? Otherwise why are you working around his shifts but he's not working around yours for work? Sounds a bit lopsided and I'm not sure the court would agree it's fair.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 23/12/2021 17:25

I'm not sure what he's told them this time but I've just had a letter to say they're reducing his payments to £130 a month even though he's on 40k a year!
Has he another baby?

Op, id record everything, ask school to as well, speak to a solicitor and stop contact and tell him he can go to court for a regular pattern of contact as it is doing nothing but harm ds. He is doing everything possible to avoid paying more that absolute minimum. He doesnt even feed the child dinner on his days? Fuck that shit.

Rtmhwales · 23/12/2021 17:25

Do either of you have the money for a solicitor? Might be worth posting in legal about what your options are.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 17:28

@Rtmhwales I work full time but this has been from home since Covid arrived. I guess I'll go back in to the office at some point in the future though.

My parents have offered to help out with legal fees if necessary. I'll take a look at that board now, thanks.

OP posts:
MzHz · 23/12/2021 17:33

[quote squidward4]@lisaandalan If I only let him go on the odd weekend that is asked for then I'll get accused of withholding DS for contact. [/quote]
That’s on him to sort out, he’ll accuse you of all sorts anyway so take back the control for the sake of your son’s wellbeing and let the ex work his own life out

Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 17:51

You only need £250 for legal fees to put this in front of a judge do not waste money on solicitors and barristers don’t let it get that far.

You are being entirely reasonable here you’ve done nothing wrong you just need to state your case

Romeiswheretheheartis · 23/12/2021 20:04

This makes me so cross - he doesn't 'do' homework, he won't take his ds to his regular swimming lesson, he won't ensure he gets decent sleep when he's there. He's not being a parent, he's just letting ds stay in his house! He sounds awful. I think you need to tell him he has to do those things or ds won't be coming - none of that will be helping ds's anxiety. Email/text him so it's in writing, along with his response, then you can't be accused of withholding contact unreasonably.

Original poster
squidward4 · 24/12/2021 08:53

@Romeiswheretheheartis It make me cross too! My ex is actually blocked so I'm not able to send messages to him directly.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 25/12/2021 19:11

It seems very 'convenient' that his shifts are mostly at weekends so he can't have his contact then - is he still in the same job he was when you were together, and was it always heavy on weekend work? Does he have no say at all in when his shifts are, or is he perhaps volunteering for weekends?

justamumseekingadvice · 26/12/2021 10:09

@squidward4 if there is no court order and it’s purely based on how much money you would receive - honestly there is no way I would allow my daughter (in my case) to keep going through that for the sake of money - I would tell him to keep the extra child maintenance, cut it down to one school night a week and the rest on weekends and holidays - there is no way I would allow my child to suffer because of money.

Original poster
squidward4 · 26/12/2021 10:38

@justamumseekingadvice I'm not sure whether you are saying that I am 'letting my DS suffer for money' or not in your post. My DS enjoys going to his Dad's, I don't want to get in the way of the relationship they have, I just want to find a contact schedule that works for DS better than the current one.

@Walkacrossthesand Yes he's in the same job as when we were together, he started it not too long before DS was born. He doesn't have any say in his shifts.

OP posts:
justamumseekingadvice · 26/12/2021 11:33

@squidward4 Not in the blunt and harsh way you have put it - but you’re revolving majority of your post based on child maintenance and the days you have to send your child to keep the same payment?

Child maintenance can’t dictate how often your child goes to their father’s house, it just means that you won’t get as much money.

You know it’s not working out - put your foot down and make sure your son isn’t tired in school or falling behind with work - you know what the best thing to do is and this isn’t it, money shouldn’t even be mentioned or brought into it.

Hope you work something out. X

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 11:43

[quote squidward4]@LittleOwl153 His teacher told DS to speak to his Dad about not having enough sleep when he's there! [/quote]
The teacher needs to be speaking directly to your Ex. He's also a parent, she shouldn't be sending messages through others.

Can you go to court to get this sorted?

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 11:45

[quote justamumseekingadvice]@squidward4 if there is no court order and it’s purely based on how much money you would receive - honestly there is no way I would allow my daughter (in my case) to keep going through that for the sake of money - I would tell him to keep the extra child maintenance, cut it down to one school night a week and the rest on weekends and holidays - there is no way I would allow my child to suffer because of money.[/quote]
Youve completely got that the wrong way round. It is the child’s father who is dictating how many and what days so he can pay less. To the detriment of the child. Identified by op AND the child’s school.