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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down with DS contact with his Dad

76 replies

squidward4 · 23/12/2021 10:59

Awful relationship with my ex (down to him). DS is 7 and goes to his Dad's 9 nights a month. Ex works shifts so I get sent 3 months of dates at a time of when he wants them. Although there are some weekends in these dates, a lot of them are weeknights.

There are 3 other children at his Dad's (2 are young) so it's quite chaotic there. DS says he doesn't get much sleep as he's woken up a lot by his siblings. He shares a room with his step sibling. His teacher has been noticing that DS is tired at school when he's staying at his Dad's and has spoken to me on a few occasions now about this.

His Dad also doesn't do homework so when there's a weekly deadline for it to be done it means we're having to cram it all in on one or two nights.

I talk to ex through a third party and suggested that he could try and have him more weekends and less weeknights and was told no, that doesn't work with his shifts.

I've just had the next 3 months worth of dates through and most of them are week days. I would never stop DS from going there but I'm now at a point where I want to say you're more than welcome to have him at weekends but so many week days are no longer working.

I have posted about the ex before, but I'm at the end of my tether now (he's just generally awful!).

YABU - it's fine for DS to continue going on weekdays and I should butt out.

YANBU - it's my ex's choice to work shifts so it's tough if he can't accommodate.

OP posts:
SuPerDoPer · 23/12/2021 13:23

Its a tricky one. If he likes going there and the relationship between them is generally good then it needs to continue. Tiredness is an issue but not as much as mum preventing or reducing contact with dad. I know the feeling though, my DCs dad doesn't do homework and reading with them and I have to cram it in on my days. Same with baths and playdates. It doesn't sound like appealing to his better nature is an option, all you can do is keep making requests and point out the issues as they arise.

SuPerDoPer · 23/12/2021 13:24

@Jessie75

And if he really wants to be an arsehole tell him that he can have him full-time and you will have him eight days a month they don’t tend to like that. They never take you up on the offer absolutely guarantee.
I wouldn't really condone playing games or using your child as a weapon in this way. Try to be the bigger person.
SuPerDoPer · 23/12/2021 13:27

@Jessie75

Yeah he must think you came down in the last shower. I went back to my ex and I said you either have him for eight days or will you have him for 18 days let me know how this is gonna work and if you don’t like it take me to court.
I don't think ex having him for 18 days solves the problem of tiredness? Why do so many people care more about money than the best outcome for their child.
Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 13:28

Ypu dont say it infront of the children but emailing the option is useful if it gets to court

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 13:30

@SuPerDoPer It's so difficult. I would always encourage their relationship but the whole thing is just a nightmare. Like yours, DS very rarely has a wash when he's there, even if it's for 3 days. He has a swimming lesson mid week (which I pay for) which my ex refuses to take him to so he ends up missing lots. I just feel like I can't win, I only want what's best for DS!

OP posts:
Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 13:31

Well the father made it about money not the OP. Its ok for him to do it but not her ? Sums up the system nicely. And doing your best to minimise child support has a negative impact on the childs lifestyle for the additional 21 days of the month. Along with shacking up with someone with 3 kids. But again nobody ever questions that.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 23/12/2021 13:34

This depends on a lot of things, the single most important being whether his Dad loves him and treats him well.

I don’t think many here would be offering to give up their children if they themselves had a busy home with younger children waking in the night.

And homework aged 7 is unnecessary. If it is set at all, it should be something the child is able to complete alone. Setting homework for parents is crazy.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 13:45

@TheReluctantPhoenix Unfortunately due to the lockdowns DS (and a number of his class mates) are behind where they should be so I do need to help him with his homework. I'm trying my hardest to get him back up to where he should be.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 23/12/2021 13:51

Just consider what is best for your DS. Random nights almost certainly are not.
Inform ex of what you have decided is best for DS eg alternate or monthly Sat nights.
The issue here is not what suits ex but what is best for the child, and clearly current arrangements are not.
Please do not let a 7 year old become a toy to be tossed between homes at your exes whim, even if he claims it is because of work. Children need stability.

RavingAnnie · 23/12/2021 14:06

YANBU I had to do similar with my son when our arrangement was affecting his schooling and general well-being. It's too confusing for some children staying here there and everywhere. They need a base. Reduced his weeknight to once a week and that worked much better.

RavingAnnie · 23/12/2021 14:09

So he's purely doing this to pay less maintenance! Definitely not OK. You need to advocate now for your child however difficult that is.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 14:12

@RavingAnnie If you don't mind me asking, how was it affecting your son's general well-being?

OP posts:
MzHz · 23/12/2021 14:14

[quote squidward4]@LittleOwl153 No we've not been to court. He always had him 4 nights a month, upped it to 9 randomly and then opened a case with the CSA to reflect the new amount of nights he was having him, therefore paying less. I objected to the 9 nights originally before he went to the CSA but I ended up getting abuse from him so just backed down each time. [/quote]
Stop backing down then!

That’s what the police and non mol orders are there for.

‘Ex, ds is suffering at school due to lack of sleep and lack of support with his home work. From now on, weekend visits only.”

With an implied “I’ll let the CSA know…”

🤣😂

MzHz · 23/12/2021 14:15

Contact is PURELY for the benefit of the child. Contact with this dad isn’t working to ds benefit. It’s that simple

RedHelenB · 23/12/2021 14:23

I think aged 7 being with his Dad and wider family is more important than homework and being a bit tired for school. I would tell the teachers to speak to his Dad regarding the sleep situation but it is a common problem and on it's own not enough to stop contact. Would he maybe consider more days on the holidays and keys during term time to still average the 9 per month perhaps?

RavingAnnie · 23/12/2021 14:28

[quote squidward4]@RavingAnnie If you don't mind me asking, how was it affecting your son's general well-being? [/quote]
It was a few years ago (about 15!) so will struggle to remember the detail and we subsequently found out he had autism and ADHD and has executive functioning difficulties but all the moving about was confusing for him. He found it difficult to have the things he needed in the right place. He was out of sorts at school, unsettled, getting into trouble. Organising homework etc was difficult. It just felt that he needed more stability.

Things did improve when we switched to one weeknight a week.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 14:29

@RedHelenB I don't want to stop contact, I just want it to be better suited to DS as opposed to being purely about my ex.

Unfortunately he can't do the less in term time, more in holidays, due to his shifts.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2021 15:01

I remember from before go back and tell him it's an average of 9 nights per month which is 108'per year they don't need to be crammed into a month and he can have him more in the school holidays to compensate for terms times.

RandomMess · 23/12/2021 15:04

When you stand up to him he will be abusive so its actually whether you are prepared to do that.

Be prepared to go to court if he does return DS. Let his partner have him at the weekends even though his Dad isn't there.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 23/12/2021 15:05

Can you work with your ex to find solutions while continuing with contact? In the absence of abuse, a decent relationship between father and child does have many practical and developmental benefits.

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 15:09

@RandomMess I tried suggesting that before but because his shifts are random it can mean he could potentially be working the whole of February half term, for example, so there's no wiggle room.

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo I don't have contact with my ex, he's been blocked on everything for around 2 years now.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/12/2021 15:29

Well when does he take his annual leave - term time only?

Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 15:29

You keep saying he can’t but you know what he can he’s just choosing to do a job that isn’t child friendly moms have to arrange their career and turn down opportunities all the time because it doesn’t fit in with childcare arrangements.

Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 15:31

I’ve got that to the point with my ex where I have said these are your weekends that you have your child, if I need to change something I will get childcare and somebody will cover my weekend for me and if you need to do the same you can do or you forfeit your weekend.

Otherwise the kid just doesn’t know whether they’re coming or going

Original poster
squidward4 · 23/12/2021 15:35

@RandomMess I actually have no idea when he takes his annual leave but if I remember rightly he gets approximately 30 days a year, as well as all of his days off / rest days.

@Jessie75 DS suffers from anxiety, both 'regular' and separation (from me), and one of his biggest triggers is not knowing when he is due to see his Dad again as contact is so random!

OP posts: