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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wierd or is it me?

158 replies

Luckyducky75 · 23/12/2021 08:06

I'm really cross and not sure why to be honest. My DH and I have a 3 year old who can be a bit challenging but nothing out of the ordinary. A friend is staying with us for Christmas so she's in our DS room and he's in with us. In the early hours of the morning he decided it was time to get up and had a tantrum when told he couldn't go downstairs. DH and I were trying to comfort him in bed when my friend opened the door and stuck her head round to 'see if everything is ok'.

Of course it bloody was, he's just doing what kids do sometimes and what does she think she could have done to help the situation? I was a bit rude, I don't know why it's annoyed me so much, it felt like such an intrusion. Would you do that? Am I just overtired and being a bitch?

OP posts:
Allsorts1 · 23/12/2021 09:54

Wow I wouldn’t want to be friends with some of the posters here who assume such ill intent in friends! She’s your friend and staying with you, yes knocking would have been preferable but maybe she got a fright and was confused/half asleep herself. Personally I would be happy that my friend was that comfortable with me - as long as she wasn’t constantly coming into my bedroom unannounced haha. YABU to be mad at your guest for seeing if you were all right. She might even feel a bit bad for taking his bed so was just checking in that she didn’t need to move etc.

Nannewnannew · 23/12/2021 09:54

It’s a difficult one. During the summer my neighbours 1 year old was having a tantrum at 2am for nearly 2 hours, the noise was horrendous! I was tempted to go round and ask if everything was ok as not sure if it was ‘just’ a tantrum or something else was going on. Given that the parents were most probably at the end of their tether I guessed I would get a curt answer in reply so just left it. I can understand you being annoyed OP coming into your bedroom is a huge invasion of your privacy. Hopefully your friend will have had time to think things over-and go home!

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2021 09:57

I've had my DD stay with me and I've had to help during the night when it's been a vomiting bug. Sometimes an extra person is a blessing. She hasn't realised you'd be sleeping seminude. I wouldn't have taken it as weird or passive aggressive by someone I know well enough to invite to stay at Christmas. As said make use of her over the next few days.

thedefinitionofmadness · 23/12/2021 09:58

She was woken up so she popped her head in to see if all was well?

People who don't have kids, or whose kids are grown, don't know what it can be like, it sounds worse to them!

If friendly enough to be staying in your house, friendly enough to show concern (for you as much as for said kid).

mrstrickland · 23/12/2021 09:58

You all need to get a grip! Clearly this was her way of saying we are all up now, so you can take your child downstairs like he clearly wants. I would have taken it as kindness in letting you know that you are free to go downstairs.

So many twisted people on here including OP

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2021 09:58

"Hopefully your friend will have had time to think things over-and go home!"

Why would she? She might have been willing to go onto the couch if he wasn't settling.

JeffThePilot · 23/12/2021 10:08

@mrstrickland

You all need to get a grip! Clearly this was her way of saying we are all up now, so you can take your child downstairs like he clearly wants. I would have taken it as kindness in letting you know that you are free to go downstairs.

So many twisted people on here including OP

At 1am?
SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 10:12

@mrstrickland

You all need to get a grip! Clearly this was her way of saying we are all up now, so you can take your child downstairs like he clearly wants. I would have taken it as kindness in letting you know that you are free to go downstairs.

So many twisted people on here including OP

At 1 am?
Original poster
Luckyducky75 · 23/12/2021 10:12

@Jumpalicious

Your reaction understandable. Hers was too, given she has no kids.

It’s not acceptable to walk into someone’s bedroom without knocking, and she acknowledged that in her apology to you.

Op, hope you let this one go, you’re in the right; she was misguided and has apologised.

Sounds like you have too much on, completely understandable with a toddler! personally I recommend don’t host mates near Xmas in future. Possibly at all, unless they “get” kids, until kids are older! Too stressful, or maybe that’s just me. Meantime, have a good Christmas.

I think you're right hon and this was the message I needed to hear. Thank you, I've let it go, it's Christmas and there's too much to do to stress about it x
OP posts:
Caulidop · 23/12/2021 10:12

OP I wouldn't have liked this, and agree it's intrusive. I wouldn't dream of walking in to someone's bedroom at any time of the day unless invited. However, I can see not everyone thinks like that so maybe she genuinely was just trying to be helpful, or she was annoyed about the noise. Either have a frank chat and tell her you sleep naked and best not to wander in, or pop to wilkos buy a bedroom lock today!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/12/2021 10:13

Sorry @jeffthepilot I didn't see your comment

Original poster
Luckyducky75 · 23/12/2021 10:21

@mrstrickland

You all need to get a grip! Clearly this was her way of saying we are all up now, so you can take your child downstairs like he clearly wants. I would have taken it as kindness in letting you know that you are free to go downstairs.

So many twisted people on here including OP

Nope, not taking him downstairs at 1am no matter how much he wants it and even if I did I don't need anyone's permission!

For those worried DS was kicked out of his bed, he doesn't care, mummy and daddys bed is his favourite place 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Herecomesthebrideagain · 23/12/2021 10:30

Sounds like inviting her to stay was not a great idea to begin with. Sometimes friends with young children and friends without don't always mix that well.

Skeumorph · 23/12/2021 10:52

She sounds a bit like the kind of friend you don't exactly need to stay for 5 nights. And also the kind of friend it totally doesn't surprise me to hear has 'turned up early' in Christmas week and... thus effectively invited herself for two extra nights Hmm

No you totally don't go into the room of your friend AND HER DH at 1am without knocking.

No, anyone with half an adult brain doesn't think that two parents will 'need help' from a random extra adult when their toddler is tantrumming. No kids isn't an excuse fgs - that's common sense.

And you TOTALLY don't then 'apologise' by making a point of saying 'Oh were you naked' - that's just fucking WEIRD.

No boundaries, pushy and odd.

Which you know anyway, reading between the lines.

Life lesson I reckon, some friends are great to have around if things aren't perfect. Others - the friends who aren't actually real 100% friends - would be the last people you actually want around! She's the latter camp.

Insert1x20p · 23/12/2021 10:54

I kind of get why you felt intruded upon but I think it's important to remember the intention, which was to offer help. My BFF had DC quite a bit after me and would 100% have done this but with the best intentions. It's really not worth damaging a friendship for.

Boundaries are also subjective, or rather there's an acceptable range. What you might consider a breach isn't necessarily what someone else would, depending on your level of reserve.

Finally, are you 100% sure she didn't knock? - would you have heard her above the tantruming. Some of DS's would have drowned out Concorde.

Omicrone · 23/12/2021 10:54

Some of the posts here!

She is your friend, close enough that she is staying with you at Christmas. If she doesn't have kids herself she won't know what's normal or not with kids waking up, and might have even thought you would be expecting her to make a token gesture of coming in to check things were ok.

I think you are being very harsh on her.

ittakes2 · 23/12/2021 10:59

1am is not early morning - its the middle of the night.
she prob thought you were having an emergency
not ok to open without knocking but I guess if she thought you needed her help...

HTH1 · 23/12/2021 11:00

We all get grumpy and snappy when we’re tired and have too much on, so don’t beat yourself up OP. Just learn the lesson about not having overnight guests —at all— with a toddler.

HTH1 · 23/12/2021 11:00

Why does strikethrough never work on Mumsnet?

OhWhyNot · 23/12/2021 11:02

A friend offered to help out that is a nice thing to do

I really can’t see the issue

MN is so uptight at times

WhatAShilohPitt · 23/12/2021 11:05

It’s her opening your bedroom door at 1am that I think is rude. Her asking if you’re ok is fine, since you are all awake and clearly something was going on.

TeloMere · 23/12/2021 11:06

OP most people mean well and you'd be a lot happier if you assumed positive intent.

So many people make themselves miserable by thinking the worst of others. The most obvious explanation is that your friend wanted to show concern and offer help.

Insert1x20p · 23/12/2021 11:07

It’s her opening your bedroom door at 1am that I think is rude

But at the same time, their child is screaming so presumably they are not having sex or anything close, so I'm kind of meh about this.

CounsellorTroi · 23/12/2021 11:09

I don’t know why posters are using words lime “barging in”, “bursting in” when the OP says she opened the door and popped her head round. Some people do like to make up their own narrative.

godmum56 · 23/12/2021 11:13

If I had been the guest and was genuinely concerned I'd have knocked on the door and called to see if all was ok, not just barged in.