Is this wierd or is it me?

[Luckyducky75]

I'm really cross and not sure why to be honest. My DH and I have a 3 year old who can be a bit challenging but nothing out of the ordinary. A friend is staying with us for Christmas so she's in our DS room and he's in with us. In the early hours of the morning he decided it was time to get up and had a tantrum when told he couldn't go downstairs. DH and I were trying to comfort him in bed when my friend opened the door and stuck her head round to 'see if everything is ok'.

Of course it bloody was, he's just doing what kids do sometimes and what does she think she could have done to help the situation? I was a bit rude, I don't know why it's annoyed me so much, it felt like such an intrusion. Would you do that? Am I just overtired and being a bitch?

suggests he has his bed back and she sleeps on his bedroom floor?

no, not really,
she is just unaware

It sounds like she doesn't have kids. So easy probably startled that your ds was screaming at 1am.

Anyone screaming at 1am would freak me out. So if I wasn't used to kids, it might have occurred to her that something really was the matter.

YANBU! It's a weird thing to do. What did she think you were doing? Hitting him?

Why wouldn't everything be ok? There were two of you dealing with him!

I think people are being hard on the friend, especially if she doesn't have her own children. I'm pretty sure the childless me would have asked if everything was ok if there was lots of screaming in the wee small hours. We forget how much we didn't know before we had kids. Even now I'd probably see if there was anything I could do to help. And I'm definitely not weird; just caring.

To be honest, your friend is probably wondering how she's going to get through the visit if she's going to be woken during f the night.

So please don't be too hard on her. Annoying that she's arrived early but let her help with the wrapping / other prep.

I don’t think this is odd at all. If we were talking about a small baby then you’d fully expect them to cry during the night but I can understand her checking whether everything was ok with a 3 year old screaming in the night. I don’t think she meant any harm.

@Clymene

She's Invited herself for a whole week hen you only asked her for 3 days?

That's even ruder.

Next time your toddler wakes up, send him into her

Did I miss something? She invited herself for a week …?

It sounds like you were embarrassed that your 3 year old was kicking off in the middle of the night and thought it reflected badly on you and so took it out on her. I have kids and I wouldn't expect an NT child to be having a tantrum at 1am so I'd be embarrassed too. She should have knocked but maybe she did and you didn't hear over the crying.

@Tal45

It sounds like you were embarrassed that your 3 year old was kicking off in the middle of the night and thought it reflected badly on you and so took it out on her. I have kids and I wouldn't expect an NT child to be having a tantrum at 1am so I'd be embarrassed too. She should have knocked but maybe she did and you didn't hear over the crying.

Nope, I am definitely not embarrassed by it, kids cry and get upset sometimes, I don't think that's a reflection on my parenting 🤔🤔

@Handsnotwands

She’s your friend right? And offered help when shit was kicking off. Seems standard friend behaviour

Yes, that's what I was thinking

What lovely language to use about a small child. Screaming? Tantrum? The child is in his own home with his own parents.

😂 terribly sorry @Squeezita. When my toddler is on occasion rolling about making loud noises and kicking off, I’m afraid I use ‘screaming’ and ‘tantrum’ to describe his behaviour. because that’s what it is

but your toddler banged the door, sounds like she was concerned with him crying as well as the banging.
she didnt know.
she checked

@CriminalOrator

Also, she’d just been wrenched from sleep by a screaming child. That’s quite disconcerting. Maybe she was up and out of bed to check on you before she’d really registered what had happened.

At 1am people in my household are often still up and awake. Maybe she was and thought help might be Plreciated.

*appreciated

I agree that if she isn't used to a toddler she might have presumed the situation was more serious than it was. In which case it's kind and supportive to peep in and check everything is ok. Since she is obviously a good friends I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

And don't be a martyr and try to do everything yourself. Take her up on her offer of help. She's there for a week so to me that becomes part of the family not a formal guest. Ask her to wrap presents, vacuum, change beds, peel potatoes, take DC for a walk, nip to the shops etc. Make the most of an extra pair of hands.

Before having children I thought only newborns woke through the night .

I can totally imagine thinking there might be an emergency if a 3 year old was crying at 1am.

I get why you were annoyed by the intrusion but I wouldn’t assume she was being passive aggressive… maybe just a bit naive.

I don't know why you are cross with her. She is presumably a good friend of yours. I wouldn't expect everyone to realise that waking up and having a tantrum is normal. She was just concerned.

Ask her to take him to the park today to give you some down time and then get her to help wrap the presents tonight.

@CriminalOrator

What lovely language to use about a small child. Screaming? Tantrum? The child is in his own home with his own parents.

😂 terribly sorry @Squeezita. When my toddler is on occasion rolling about making loud noises and kicking off, I’m afraid I use ‘screaming’ and ‘tantrum’ to describe his behaviour. because that’s what it is

Gosh, how common. My two year old toddlers vocalise loudly with non-word based ululations whilst physically manifesting their frustration at a world not designed for their needs. They do this numerous times a day over ANYTHING and especially linked to some perceived injustice one has perpetrated against the other. But they would never be so base as to scream or tantrum.

I don’t have children, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to think you needed “help” with a crying toddler, and I certainly wouldn’t have barged into your room. A complete invasion of privacy, I’d have been very unhappy.

YABU. I don't think your friend was being passive-aggressive at all and I don't think she meant to be intrusive. If I was the friend, to give you privacy, I probably would have just knocked, kept door closed, and asked through the door if everything is ok and if my help was needed. She was trying to be helpful.

You owe your friend an apology for being rude to her else she may not want to stay in your house again!

I get the impression she was genuinely concerned and thought maybe there was something she could do to help. Rather than being passive about ds waking her up.

But she should have knocked the door before entering. That’s always been a thing here. Nobody enters bedrooms without knocking first and waiting for a response, so that would have annoyed me.

How can you twist your friend offering to help into a bad thing?!

I hope you are just feeling exhausted and are not usually like this as you sound extremely unreasonable.

I can’t imagine my friend who I invited into my home, not offering to help as much as she can.

Also she’s offered to help, You’ve got yourself a pair of extra hands here make use of them!
Make a list of everything that needs done and delegate certain jobs to her ie get her to wrap the presents or to entertain your son whilst you get on with what you need to do.

Your reaction understandable. Hers was too, given she has no kids.

It’s not acceptable to walk into someone’s bedroom without knocking, and she acknowledged that in her apology to you.

Op, hope you let this one go, you’re in the right; she was misguided and has apologised.

Sounds like you have too much on, completely understandable with a toddler! personally I recommend don’t host mates near Xmas in future. Possibly at all, unless they “get” kids, until kids are older! Too stressful, or maybe that’s just me. Meantime, have a good Christmas.

You should have explained that the child wanted to be in his bed and she'd therefore have to get in with you and your husband.

Reminds me of the time when we had guests (in laws) with the kids in with us and a major catastrophe in the room one morning when a loaded shelf fell down injuring both kids albeit not seriously.

I was always surprised they never csme to check all was OK given the commotion.

Maybe she just wanted to see what was going on?

Anyway I wouldn't sweat it.