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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 23/12/2021 12:52

@Covidworries

Funny story.... i had a friend who lived some distance from family. When they visited they had to sleep seperate despite living together and at one stage she was very heavily pregnant.
That's not 'funny' that's terribly sad.
amoosee · 23/12/2021 13:00

I feel sorry for your children being treated like they're teenagers. What happens if they're together for another 10 years and have children but don't get married? Will they still be treated like 14 year olds?

larkstar · 23/12/2021 13:02

I think you risk putting your own Victorian views above the value of you relationship with your son (and possible son-in-law). You tell you daughters time change and that you have thought about things and decided differently - that would be lovely thing for both your son and daughter to hear. Be adults - suck it up - it's pretty clear almost no one is going to agree with you. Your house your rules is such a short sighted and selfish way to look at things - there are consequences.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 23/12/2021 13:02

@Melroses

Having had an over-eager boyfriend who was hard to dump, I am always mindful that the DC may feel trapped into sharing a room with a partner when they may actually want a bit of space.

So provide both options and tell DC (in confidence) to decide. I can play disapproving parent if necessary, I am not proud Grin

I think this is really nice, and I'd definitely appreciate it if I were one of your DC. Smile

I didn't have a boyfriend until my early twenties, and we weren't actually having sex because I didn't feel ready to. We did occasionally spend a night together but it was maybe once a fortnight or so.

When we went to stay with his parents for a long weekend (after 9 months or so?) he told his mum I'd be happier separately, even though he'd shared with other girlfriends in the past. She was a bit surprised, and hadn't expected it, but I was really pleased she did make up the spare room for me. We'd have an evening chat/cuddle in one room then sleep separately. I think five nights together would have been too much for me at that stage!

larkstar · 23/12/2021 13:05

@hypeg the fact that you are posting perhaps suggests you do not completely agree with your husband - stand up to him then and tell him.

foreverandalways · 23/12/2021 13:05

Is this a joke 😕......THEY ARE GROWN ADULTS.....live and let live...life is far too short...

MouseholeCat · 23/12/2021 13:06

Let them sleep in the same room. They are consenting adults in a relationship.

Explain to your DD that you made a mistake with not doing the same for her and that you are sorry.

Your children are adults now, so it's time to start treating them that way.

Kite22 · 23/12/2021 13:10

Of course you can decide in your own home but, honestly (and gently), I think YABVU.

This ^
If spending Christmas with you, it sounds like they are in a committed relationship, this isn't a one night stand. As adults, why would you separate them ?

Thepineapplemystery · 23/12/2021 13:14

If you do plan to do this, please warn them now. So they choose to change their plans. I'd hate not waking up next to my partner on Christmas morning.

TheAdmissionsFree · 23/12/2021 13:16

Do you want them to ever visit you again?
They're adults - treat them as such.

mam0918 · 23/12/2021 13:25

I think it would be unreasonable to have one set of rules for DD and one set for DS.

No one dies from a night in separate beds, hell half the married couples I know sleep separately lol.

thewhatsit · 23/12/2021 13:44

I want to know what happened to the DD.

Did she not bring another partner round? Or did she marry the boyfriend after the first time you made them sleep in different rooms?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 23/12/2021 13:50

@Covidworries

Funny story.... i had a friend who lived some distance from family. When they visited they had to sleep seperate despite living together and at one stage she was very heavily pregnant.
Yeah believe me it's not funny when it's happening to you.
Hazelnut5 · 23/12/2021 14:26

I wouldn’t make them do anything. I’d ask your DS where they’d like to sleep, as I would with any adults.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 23/12/2021 14:27

23 and 26??? Are you insane? Me and my husband had 2 children by the time we were 24!

sadpapercourtesan · 23/12/2021 14:29

DH and I haven't slept in his mother's house since the first time she did this to us (we were early 20s and engaged).

It's a bridge too far for us, in terms of controlling behaviour. It may be "your house, your rules", but it's their relationship, and they're adults, so be prepared for them to vote with their feet.

Our children can have partners in their rooms from 16, and they're both very responsible and sensible about it.

katienana · 23/12/2021 14:33

My now husband had to sleep on the sofa the first time he stayed at my parents

We did it on the sofa!

voldr · 23/12/2021 14:56

@YungWaffle

Your son is not going getting pregnant out of wedlock. A homosexual relationship is not the same as a heterosexual one. There is no need to act as if they are exactly equivalent imo. If you just don't want your offspring having sex under your roof that's also fine. Just say that.
Just because they're sleeping in separate beds, doesn't mean they won't have sex.
Ellowyn · 23/12/2021 15:10

We never had to tell our son to sleep in a separate room from his guests when he had girlfriends stay over. He was just polite enough to know he probably shouldn't be shagging girls in the room across the hall from his parents. We never said a word to him. He just knew, so did the girls.

While they were getting their own house built, my son's fiancée stayed here for 6 months - in another room.. Now they are in their own house.

Btw; we live in the middle of nowhere that was why he had so many people staying over.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 23/12/2021 15:20

@Ellowyn

We never had to tell our son to sleep in a separate room from his guests when he had girlfriends stay over. He was just polite enough to know he probably shouldn't be shagging girls in the room across the hall from his parents. We never said a word to him. He just knew, so did the girls.

While they were getting their own house built, my son's fiancée stayed here for 6 months - in another room.. Now they are in their own house.

Btw; we live in the middle of nowhere that was why he had so many people staying over.

And?
Lifeisnteasy · 23/12/2021 15:22

@Ellowyn why does sharing a bed automatically equal shagging in your house? Hmm

Crepusculum · 23/12/2021 15:32

It seems very controlling OP - the kind of thing that slowly damages relationships. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to achieve?

Ellowyn · 23/12/2021 15:41

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@Ellowyn why does sharing a bed automatically equal shagging in your house? Hmm[/quote]
We have lots of fully furnished spare bedrooms and so sharing a bed is not at all necessary. Remembering my youth in the days when 'safe sex' meant padding the headboard, I think being in a bed with my heart throb would have led to shagging - multiple times, probably very loudly as well.
My son is a bit old fashioned.

xprincessxjanetx · 23/12/2021 15:41

YABU, I think it's ridiculous and will be quite awkward to mention to them I would imagine.

mewkins · 23/12/2021 15:42

@Ellowyn

We never had to tell our son to sleep in a separate room from his guests when he had girlfriends stay over. He was just polite enough to know he probably shouldn't be shagging girls in the room across the hall from his parents. We never said a word to him. He just knew, so did the girls.

While they were getting their own house built, my son's fiancée stayed here for 6 months - in another room.. Now they are in their own house.

Btw; we live in the middle of nowhere that was why he had so many people staying over.

You made them sleep apart for SIX months?!?!? Shock Christ. What did this actually achieve?