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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make ds (23) and his boyfriend (26) sleep in separate beds?

408 replies

hypeg · 22/12/2021 23:35

We have ds and his boyfriend coming tomorrow for Christmas. We’ve met the boyfriend once over lunch, and he is lovely.

Dh wants them to sleep in separate rooms. Now obviously when they are in their own city they must share a bed as they stay over at each other’s places.

But when our dd had her then boyfriend stay for Christmas when she was 21, we made them sleep in separate beds then. Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

OP posts:
Melroses · 23/12/2021 11:56

Having had an over-eager boyfriend who was hard to dump, I am always mindful that the DC may feel trapped into sharing a room with a partner when they may actually want a bit of space.

So provide both options and tell DC (in confidence) to decide. I can play disapproving parent if necessary, I am not proud Grin

caringcarer · 23/12/2021 11:56

You have an made life difficult for yourself by making your adult dd 21 sleep separately to her partner now backed yourself into a corner with having to treat ds the same.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 23/12/2021 11:59

They are adults. If the bedroom has a double bed or is twin bedded let them share the room. If the bedroom only has a single bed and there isn't room to put another bed up, ask them if they would be more comfortable in separate rooms.

If your daughter says anything about the arrangements made for her and her BF in the past, tell her you were wrong not to let them share a room.

NdujaWannaDance · 23/12/2021 11:59

At 21 I would not have made my DD sleep separately to her boyfriend in my house if I knew they usually slept together and had been together for a while. However, given that you did do that, I think it's fair enough to expect DS and his boyfriend to do the same.

Whether they are 21 or 23 or 33 is not the point. You either accept that your adult children are in intimate sexual relationships and allow them to share a room under your roof, or you don't. Their respective ages and sexualities shouldn't come into it.

NdujaWannaDance · 23/12/2021 12:03

You have an made life difficult for yourself by making your adult dd 21 sleep separately to her partner now backed yourself into a corner with having to treat ds the same.

Why backed into a corner though? Why one rule for the DD's relationship and another for the DS's? They aren't treating them any differently to how the DD and her BF were treated, so there is no need for them to tie themselves in knots trying to not appear that they might be a bit homophobic.

BoudecaBains · 23/12/2021 12:04

@Chloemol

Your house, your rules
This.
BlackCatz · 23/12/2021 12:06

^^

What a useless response 😂

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 23/12/2021 12:08

That’s mad. 23 and 26! I’d say from 18/uni onwards significant boyfriends/girlfriends should be allowed. Personally I’d apologise to DD for the unfairness and say having reflected you hadn’t really realised how unreasonable it was and you won’t be continuing with the policy!

over2021 · 23/12/2021 12:10

I don't think the OP is coming back...

ChequerBoard · 23/12/2021 12:11

@Zxcvbnm123456

Ridiculous decision. You'd be better off admitting to your daughter you are sorry you made a stupid call for her than repeat the error with your son.

This.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Be guided by your adult DC. If they want to a share room with a partner they are happy to bring home to meet the family, then let them!

Lilyofthevalleys · 23/12/2021 12:13

My parents made me and DH have separate rooms (22 and 26). For the first few years we were a long distance relationship and therefore chose to spend time where we could have space together I.e his parents, his flat overseas, at friends. My mum then lamented when were getting married (5yrs together) that she hadn’t got to know DH very well. Well yes mum, you made him feel uncomfortable in your home, what did you expect?

My point is, yes it is your home and therefore your rules, but they might have consequences.

They did let my younger sister and her bf share a room. No I didn’t feel annoyed at their inconsistency, I was pleased they were more welcoming to my now BIL.

fuckoffImcounting · 23/12/2021 12:16

Bloody Hell - they will be really insulted by this. Do you want DS never to visit?

thingymaboob · 23/12/2021 12:18

Are you kidding? What exactly are you hoping to achieve by this? They're in their mid 20s, having a sexual relationship and it's really weird to separate them. It might have been the done thing back in the 1970s because of marriage expectations etc but I think it's absolutely ridiculous and they'll definitely be a partly pissed off / laughing at you.

FeedMeSantiago · 23/12/2021 12:18

@haveringwavering - not a hotel, just a 4 bed house so 3 spare rooms at that time, one with two singles and two with a double each. So DH slept in the room which used to be his bedroom and I slept in the bedroom with the two singles before we both slept in the room with two singles. On marriage we slept in the double bed in DH's old room.

PIL are quite religious.

YungWaffle · 23/12/2021 12:18

Your son is not going getting pregnant out of wedlock. A homosexual relationship is not the same as a heterosexual one. There is no need to act as if they are exactly equivalent imo.
If you just don't want your offspring having sex under your roof that's also fine. Just say that.

amusedbush · 23/12/2021 12:19

Our parents agree

Why on earth are you bringing granny and grandad into this decision?? That's even weirder!

I'm cringing myself inside out at the whole thing.

KatyRebecca84 · 23/12/2021 12:20

wow really? why would you?
Sex does happen at other times.. not just bed time lol

Oblomov21 · 23/12/2021 12:28

Eh? Of course not. How wierd.

AdmiralCain · 23/12/2021 12:34

My exes parents wouldn't even let me stay in their house overnight!! I was F'in 30!!!
It was like "AdmiralCain, it's getting late, it's time you left"
I had another ex, we were invited to a wedding in Cambridge and when we went to the guesthouse the owner was like "are you married?" and we were like no, she said "Well you're have to sleep in separate rooms!" I appreciate it's their house but very bloody antiquated!

ShrinkingViolet9 · 23/12/2021 12:35

Our parents agree as they were not married, but did say things seem very different today.

What has this got to do with your parents' views?

ItIsntWhatYouThinkItIs · 23/12/2021 12:37

You are extremely small-minded, nasty and prejudiced. Not many people get married these days, and they're 23 and 26, it would be different if they were 16. Please grow up. There is no room for such backward ignorance these days. Give your 'D'H a smack upside the head and tell him to wake up to himself. If you want to alienate your DS due to your 1940s small-minded backward archaic bigotry, you are going the right way. You should be ashamed of yourself! You'll be on here in a couple of years complaining that your DS is low contact with you and you will wonder why. Please, wake up to yourself. There is absolutely no room for your and your husband's ignorance in 2021.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/12/2021 12:39

The sex lives of other adults are none of your business. You were unreasonable to your dd and you are being unreasonable to your ds.

Covidworries · 23/12/2021 12:46

Funny story.... i had a friend who lived some distance from family. When they visited they had to sleep seperate despite living together and at one stage she was very heavily pregnant.

godmum56 · 23/12/2021 12:49

@NdujaWannaDance

At 21 I would not have made my DD sleep separately to her boyfriend in my house if I knew they usually slept together and had been together for a while. However, given that you did do that, I think it's fair enough to expect DS and his boyfriend to do the same.

Whether they are 21 or 23 or 33 is not the point. You either accept that your adult children are in intimate sexual relationships and allow them to share a room under your roof, or you don't. Their respective ages and sexualities shouldn't come into it.

so no one is allowed to change their mind?
NdujaWannaDance · 23/12/2021 12:52

so no one is allowed to change their mind?

Of course. But only if you don't mind accusations of inconsistency and favouritsm from your children.