Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Best Friend went over budget and I can’t cope

145 replies

ThePresentsAreWrappedandReady · 22/12/2021 21:19

But I don’t want to offend her as I love her like a sister.

Background: I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years where I wasn’t allowed to receive presents, at all. If I did, even on my birthday I was forced to buy the same value of gift for my husband if I couldn’t afford to get an equviliant gift then I was harassed and bullied into selling my present to give the money to H to “make up for it”. H was also violent towards both me and DD.

And my best friend was by my side through it all. She was great and never gave up on me or walked away, as H cut me off from everyone she was always there. H hated that. I escaped eventually with the help of some very clever people and the police.

And since then I’ve rebuilt my life. One of my boundaries and hang ups from my marriage is that if I set a budget for presents and I don’t like people spending over that amount because I then get upset and anxious.

My best friend always goes over budget, every single time. She says she wants to spoil me as she couldn’t when I was married and she’s making up for it now. I’ve explained how it makes me feel but she always says “I just saw this one more thing and knew you’d love it” and she’s right, I always absolutely love her presents, but I also worry.

I love her like I love my sibling and don’t want to lose her friendship as she’s been a rock (she says I have been to her too, but I don’t really see how). So I want some strategies really to allow myself to let my friend spend money on me.

We’re not talking £1-5 over budget, we’re talking £10-15 over and she’s spent the same amount on DD so she’s spent almost twice as much on me and DD as I have on her and her DP.

And please call me ungrateful and selfish and whatever you want because it's only what ExH would have called me in the situation anyway.

OP posts:
ChristmasRobins · 22/12/2021 21:23

Not seeing the problem here. Up to her what she spends. She’s not expecting you to reciprocate.

OneRuleForThem · 22/12/2021 21:24

You can’t set up budgets for other people

Suprima · 22/12/2021 21:25

I don’t see what the problem is?

MummytoCSJH · 22/12/2021 21:26

Oh OP :( Well done on getting out of a horrible situation, I bet your friend is so proud of you and you should be as well Flowers In this situation do you have to know what she has spent at all - I’m sure you know this but your anxiety will tell you otherwise, but gift exchanges don’t have to be of equal value - ask her to take the tags off/try your best not to google the gifts? Or does she tell you what she has spent? In which case tell her you wouldn’t like to know anymore. Fingers crossed others may have more suggestions for you dealing with this. Hope you have a fantastic Christmas. Xmas Smile

Elphame · 22/12/2021 21:26

No you are not rude and ungrateful. I've got a friend who I know will spend far too much on me but I know she loves shopping and finding the perfect gift and the cost is unimportant to her.

I've just blown the budget for a friend myself. I'd already bought her gift but I couldn't resist the little thing I saw this week. I know she'll love it.

Let her do it and enjoy the gifts :)

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 22/12/2021 21:26

Gently, YABU. You have been subjected to a life of fear, and she wants to treat you, with no expectations. Let her. Flowers

Kbish1 · 22/12/2021 21:26

Having being in a similar situation, I think you need to work on resolving this as in, working on reducing your anxiety around this.

Have you had any counselling at all since you left?

ChiefInspectorParker · 22/12/2021 21:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 22/12/2021 21:27

You sound like you are being very controlling over her (and others if you are setting YOUR budget for them to follow). Is this a reaction to being controlled for so long? If so it is understandable, but you should seek help asap before it becomes a bigger problem.

DailyMailHater · 22/12/2021 21:28

It’s so hard, you can’t control what others spend, you need to find some mechanism for coping with the feelings it gives you. Have you had any therapy or support to deal with your past relationship…maybe it is something you could discuss with them and they could give you some coping strategies x

thepastisanothercountry · 22/12/2021 21:28

OP I don't think you're ungrarteful or selfish at all but I think that you've been so badly treated you have come to believe you're not worth a toss. You absolutely are and you ARE allowed to have a and enjoy the gifts that your friend sees fit to give you. How wonderful to have a friend who's stuck by you despite everything.

Let her spoil you. You don't have to sell them. You don't have to recompense for them. You just have to enjoy them.

Whatever you do don't get sucked into comparative gift giving - she buys you what she wants and is able to afford for you to have and vice versa. She's not rushing off to check the price she'll just enjoy what you've given her.

Well done for getting out of such an awful relationship and a very merry Christmas to you and your DD.

Iamanicepersonreally · 22/12/2021 21:29

I'm so glad that you're away from the abusive relationship.
Could you try to accept that your friend is doing this because she cares about you and that it's a nice thing? I'm sorry it makes you so anxious. Maybe she thinks you deserve to be spoiled and doing it makes her happy

LJAKS · 22/12/2021 21:29

I think you would benefit from counselling to unpack the trauma from your abusive marriage if you haven't already done this. You're still projecting. Take care of yourself

DDMAC · 22/12/2021 21:29

How wonderful to have such a great friendship. Enjoy it and try to let that anxiety over it go, I think your ex has instilled a belief in you that you somehow don’t deserve it? You do and more!

TragoCardboardCopper · 22/12/2021 21:30

@OneRuleForThem

You can’t set up budgets for other people
This.

You set your budget depending on whatever factors are important to you - income, other expenditures, closeness of relationship, and 100 other factors.

She does the same. But you don't live identical lives, so your budgets will be different, because your lives are different.

You can't control what she or anyone else does, you have to stop trying. That way madness lies.

It's her money to do with as she wishes. She wishes to spend it on you. She sounds a lovely friend. Smile

Icecreaminwinter · 22/12/2021 21:30

It’s a bit embarrassing when someone spends more than you but £10 isn’t that much more and it sounds like she wants to treat you.

Bunce1 · 22/12/2021 21:32

Could you put some items to the side that has gone overboard and donate to a womens refuge to balance it for you?

I commend you on you’re bravery to leave your abusive ex.

Enjoy every moment of freedom you really do deserve it. Merry Christmas!

AgathaMystery · 22/12/2021 21:32

I voted YANBU because I think you are absolutely traumatised. However, with love, you cannot dictate what others spend on you. You are worthy xxx

Yuledo · 22/12/2021 21:32

It gives her pleasure to spend on you. Don’t spoil her pleasure by trying to stop it. She a good friend. You want to make her happy, so let her spend what she wants. Anyway stopping her is being controlling - exactly what your dh was to you.

NotImpossible · 22/12/2021 21:34

Sometimes (often, I think) choosing and giving a gift is for the giver as much as the recipient. This is making her feel good, you love the gifts and she loves giving them so logically it's a win-win.
On the other hand, if you tell her clearly that her behaviour is upsetting you I think it would be right for her to rein it in until you can work through these feelings.
She sounds like a lovely friend and you are incredible to have got away from your abusive relationship - it sounds like you really value each other so I hope you can find a way past this.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 22/12/2021 21:35

Similar situation (actually wonder if you are df) but I honestly love buying her gifts and never expect anything back - her friendship is enough. Please enjoy the gifts guilt free.

LostArcher · 22/12/2021 21:35

Her buying you things - the choosing, the wrapping, the thought gives her joy. It isn't about amounts or like for like - you are giving her the gift of joy in being allowing her to spoil you. She deserves that joy for being your rock. To be honest ten to twenty pounds over isn't huge. You would have a point if it was a lot more. She clearly loves doing this for you so allow her that love.

Royalbloo · 22/12/2021 21:36

She obviously adores you and wants to do something nice for you. Don't feel bad x

Soontobe60 · 22/12/2021 21:36

I completely understand how you feel. Anyone escaping an abusive relationship where they’re made to feel a particular way will react differently to most normal situations. Most of us would not react in the same way as you in this instance, but most of us haven’t been abused as you were. I think you should explain again to your friend why you feel so bad when she overspends. Her actions are triggering you, as such I would hope she sees that and adjusts her spending accordingly.

Qwertykeys · 22/12/2021 21:36

What a lovely friend you have . She wants to treat you so let her . Don't look at the value of the gifts the joy is in giving as well as receiving. At the moment you are still raw from how your ex treated you , your friend is not your ex making you happy is making her happy.