My Best Friend went over budget and I can’t cope

[ThePresentsAreWrappedandReady]

But I don’t want to offend her as I love her like a sister.

Background: I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years where I wasn’t allowed to receive presents, at all. If I did, even on my birthday I was forced to buy the same value of gift for my husband if I couldn’t afford to get an equviliant gift then I was harassed and bullied into selling my present to give the money to H to “make up for it”. H was also violent towards both me and DD.

And my best friend was by my side through it all. She was great and never gave up on me or walked away, as H cut me off from everyone she was always there. H hated that. I escaped eventually with the help of some very clever people and the police.

And since then I’ve rebuilt my life. One of my boundaries and hang ups from my marriage is that if I set a budget for presents and I don’t like people spending over that amount because I then get upset and anxious.

My best friend always goes over budget, every single time. She says she wants to spoil me as she couldn’t when I was married and she’s making up for it now. I’ve explained how it makes me feel but she always says “I just saw this one more thing and knew you’d love it” and she’s right, I always absolutely love her presents, but I also worry.

I love her like I love my sibling and don’t want to lose her friendship as she’s been a rock (she says I have been to her too, but I don’t really see how). So I want some strategies really to allow myself to let my friend spend money on me.

We’re not talking £1-5 over budget, we’re talking £10-15 over and she’s spent the same amount on DD so she’s spent almost twice as much on me and DD as I have on her and her DP.

And please call me ungrateful and selfish and whatever you want because it's only what ExH would have called me in the situation anyway.

Oh I really feel for you. Maybe use this experience as a way of letting go. Let your friend treat you as it brings her joy (and that's a good thing right?) When she gives you a gift pretend that there's no price on the item in your mind and try to just enjoy the gift itself.

OP you’re traumatised.

Your friend loves you. Accept that.

I completely understand also having left a man who took the joy out of gifting, though in not quite such a vile way as yours. But this is your chance to leave that ghost behind - she does this because she loves you, not out of any competition as some gifters do. Are you able to focus on the pleasure it gives her in trying to make you happy and let it?

Please listen to me (a stranger)- she wants to treat you with no strings attached because she loves you. Let her do it and try and retrain your thinking about this. You’ve done amazing to build a new life and you should be proud of yourself. Let yourself enjoy her beautiful gifts as you deserve them x

I really feel for you OP as the trauma of your ex-husband’s controlling ways is still deeply affecting your reactions. You are utterly worthy of gifts and lovely things - irrespective of their value, you must remind yourself of this until one day you believe it. On a practical level, might it help to not see things in financial terms? It’s often not clear quite how much someone has spent & you shouldn’t be doing the maths anyway! I’m a bargain hunter & people are usually surprised that I find beautiful things for a fraction of the price - perhaps you friend does too? Lastly, that man has controlled your thoughts for far too long, your friend is not offending your views about spending - she is offending his views…and he doesn’t matter a damn. I know it’s hard when your thinking is so entangled with what you’ve been forced to believe but you deserve kindness and treats, your friend isn’t keeping tabs or judging you - she just thinks you’re wonderful and wants to show it this way.

My best friend just bought a house and is temporarily very short on cash. I've told her not to send us or our kids anything but I've sent her a Christmas present and told her it's a house warming/Christmas gift in one. I'd hate to think I was making her anxious as I really don't expect the same back. I'm more than happy with a card and what I get from the friendship. She is like a sister to me and thus year I can afford to spoil her a little. It actually makes me happy to do it.

Please do try to think of it from this angle (although I can totally see how your ex has made you project these feelings). But your friend isn't your ex and she isn't expecting it back.

OP you have done so well to get out of your hideous abusive relationship. The thing that I really hope for you in future is that you get to a point when you can accept and enjoy your lovely friend's generosity.

Oh my darling girl, she's really pushing a boundary for you, but the point is that it isn't a 'real' boundary - it's one set by your ex. Do you think you might be able to just let it go? To see that presents are about joy, not control? To see that your worth isn't measured by them, but that this is simply someone who adores you and wants to spoil you?

I know it's a lot.

I tell you what I'd do. I'd pick a really random date, nowhere near Christmas or her birthday, and I'd post her a card or leave a bottle of wine on her door step to just show her how much you care about her. In other words, reciprocate the thought, but not the gift. Surprise her. She'll love it. And it might help you let go of a wee bit of your trauma to show that you can do things 'outside' the lines your ex drew for you.

And do the Freedom programme.

The other thing to consider is whether she is a bargain hunter - I often get things less than half price when I see them and collect things up for a birthday. So it might look like I've spent £40 but actually I've only spent £20.

In your head turn it round.
Your friend was in the shit marriage with the abusive husband. You stood by her and now she’s free. How do you feel? Do you want to spoil her a bit? Treat her to nice things that are hers to keep, no strings , no agenda.
If you play the scenario a few times like this you might see how your friend thinks.
I can understand your anxiety, abuse leaves it’s print on your life but don’t let your abusive ex rule your life any more.

I couldn’t vote either way. You are not being unreasonable or reasonable.
You are still suffering from guilt for receiving presents. That’s not your fault. So no, you are not unreasonable. But your friend wants to spoil you. So let her! So on that, yes you are unreasonable! (Butnot in a horrible way :-) )
Explain how you feel. But if she still wants to spoil you, let her. Enjoy it op xx

Ok, so this overspending is triggering you and you are telling your friend how it makes you feel BUT she is not listening.

SO, parking that to one side for a moment (because honestly, I think if you are telling her it makes you anxious, she should listen)... She is not doing this maliciously of course. She is trying to compensate for the shit time you have had and really wants you to be happy. So in your mind, I would divide the budget up like this for e.g:

Friend's present to you: £20

Your present to friend: £10

• making her feel happy by choosing you special presents: £10 = £20.

So the totals are the same, but hers is money total, yours is money plus allowing her to indulge you.

It sounds like you did a remarkable brave thing getting yourself and your daughter out. I bet your friend is so proud of you.

I would try and think that buying a present is an expression of friendship, love, appreciation or gratitude. People exchange presents to express the affection or regard they have for each other. It doesn’t matter a bit that presents aren’t the same value - people have different budgets - it’s the thought behind them that counts.

Your friend obviously gets pleasure out of buying for you, and you’ve said you love her gifts. Try and take pleasure in that, and slowly begin to accept that you are a person of value, as deserving of nice presents as anyone else.

I don’t think anyone would think you are being selfish or ungrateful OP, it’s clear you are still in the process of learning to value yourself. I hope you keep going along that road with your friend beside you.

Try not to think about it and instead focus on your friendship. You can’t set budgets for other people:

Please just let her spoil you, I’d bet she’d happily spent double again to celebrate being able to without your ex making you suffer for it.

She’s showering you with an expression of love and not fully understanding that it is triggering a fear response in you. Neither of you is being unreasonable but that doesn’t mean that the result is not hard to cope with. Try and talk to her, explain that simply the act of receiving is hard for you and very tied up in bad memories and that parity is part if your anxiety control mechanism. (If that is what you feel it is), that you love her and her generosity and all she has been and is to you but that still you have the fear. Hope you can find peace with it between you, neither of you is wrong. X

@AgathaMystery

I voted YANBU because I think you are absolutely traumatised. However, with love, you cannot dictate what others spend on you. You are worthy xxx

That’s a lovely post and very accurate

@Bunce1

Could you put some items to the side that has gone overboard and donate to a womens refuge to balance it for you?

I commend you on you’re bravery to leave your abusive ex.

Enjoy every moment of freedom you really do deserve it. Merry Christmas!

No. That's just reinforcing that he OP isn't 'worth it' or deserving of it!! & it's not even things she doesn't like/has no need of!

@ThePresentsAreWrappedandReady

Well done for getting away from your Ex 🌷that takes a lot of courage!!

You said...

I want some strategies really to allow myself to let my friend spend money on me

I think maybe you need to accept how much if a wanker your ex was & these feelings you're having are a part of what HE has done to you.

Your friend lives you and sees things that you'll love that you won't suffer from getting & she wants to treat you!

You love your daughter & presumably enjoy treating her to things she will love? It's no different.

I'm no good at present buying, I wish I was! But I'm your girl if you need help, no matter what it is, I'm there. My real friends value that & except surprise present buying us just something I'm no good at. I envy people who are good at present buying. Let your friend do things that are 'her' & try to enjoy ut & not feel like there's a price to be paid for ut!!

Again, well done for getting away from your Ex physically, now it's time to get him out if your headspace!!

You're not ungrateful or selfish. But you're still allowing that man to abuse you.

Your friend loves you and wants you to be happy. That's a good thing. She wants to treat you to things he wouldn't allow you to have, to show you that it's worth it. Please just remind yourself that and try to overcome the fear he's put in you. Not saying it's easy at all though

Well done for getting out of an abusive relationship. Please be gentle with yourself and as you are aware this is about your ex not you nor your friend. I think that there are issues to be worked on. Take care.

Holy shit, your ex was a class A bastard!

Well done for leaving him.

If you really can’t deal with it then how about telling friend that you don’t to do presents anymore?

However, I think you should learn to accept that L’Oreal cliche - you’re worth it.

You can't set budgets for other people, but at the same time it's uncomfortable having someone give you more than you can afford for them. And it seems that 95% of people here are ignoring that.

All those saying 'I spend much more on my friend than she can spend on me, because it gives me pleasure' are actually being quite selfish. They're thinking of their own pleasure and not factoring in their friend's potential embarrassment.

As a one off, it's okay. But when it happens all the time, it can be uncomfortable.

Yes, you deserve her gifts, OP. But I also understand why you'd rather she didn't do this.

This is triggering your trauma around present giving/receiving.

It is also difficult for you as it’s triggering your feelings of powerlessness and lack of control.

If you feel able, you’d benefit from explaining the exact above sentences to her. She sounds like a good friend who thinks she’s making you happy, when actual fact I’m sure she’d hate to think it’s having the opposite effect

You have a good friend there OP.

Would it help at all to think that she buys presents for you and at the till she sees every penny she spends as a big individual F U to your horrible ex?

Oh lovely you deserve to be treated. I know it feels uncomfortable but try to keep reminding yourself you deserve to be treated