My Best Friend went over budget and I can’t cope

[ThePresentsAreWrappedandReady]

But I don’t want to offend her as I love her like a sister.

Background: I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years where I wasn’t allowed to receive presents, at all. If I did, even on my birthday I was forced to buy the same value of gift for my husband if I couldn’t afford to get an equviliant gift then I was harassed and bullied into selling my present to give the money to H to “make up for it”. H was also violent towards both me and DD.

And my best friend was by my side through it all. She was great and never gave up on me or walked away, as H cut me off from everyone she was always there. H hated that. I escaped eventually with the help of some very clever people and the police.

And since then I’ve rebuilt my life. One of my boundaries and hang ups from my marriage is that if I set a budget for presents and I don’t like people spending over that amount because I then get upset and anxious.

My best friend always goes over budget, every single time. She says she wants to spoil me as she couldn’t when I was married and she’s making up for it now. I’ve explained how it makes me feel but she always says “I just saw this one more thing and knew you’d love it” and she’s right, I always absolutely love her presents, but I also worry.

I love her like I love my sibling and don’t want to lose her friendship as she’s been a rock (she says I have been to her too, but I don’t really see how). So I want some strategies really to allow myself to let my friend spend money on me.

We’re not talking £1-5 over budget, we’re talking £10-15 over and she’s spent the same amount on DD so she’s spent almost twice as much on me and DD as I have on her and her DP.

And please call me ungrateful and selfish and whatever you want because it's only what ExH would have called me in the situation anyway.

@Bunce1

Could you put some items to the side that has gone overboard and donate to a womens refuge to balance it for you?

I commend you on you’re bravery to leave your abusive ex.

Enjoy every moment of freedom you really do deserve it. Merry Christmas!

Please do not do this. It would hurt your friend if she ever found out. Just enjoy what she gives you as it seems she is a lovely caring person who buys things that she knows you will like. You deserve to be spoiled, after all you and your dd have been through.

Your df wants to treat you and it probably gives her great joy, to finally be able to do so. So again, do enjoy your gifts and don’t give them away!

Your reaction is a 'leftover' from your previous relationship.
She's a good friend who does not count the cost and just wants to do what she says. If you cant afford more tell her your struggling but love her gifts and cant match them. In truth £10-15 is small enough you are being unreasonable. Dont forget the pleasure is in the giving of something 'valued', not 'of value'. Take it with a smile and she will be pleased.

OP you have been through hell. It must have taken immense courage to get out of that abusive relationship. This feels bad as it triggers trauma memories which is why, even though you know it's very different, it takes you right back to that place where you were not safe. It can help to really consciously focus on what is different this time and to also bring to conscious awareness those thoughts of not being worthy - then realising that they are not true but were said (either overtly or otherwise) by your ex as a way to control you. Your friend wants to spoil you as she wants you to know that you are loved and you are lovable.

Oh OP, I'm sorry you went through such a horrid time, please stop allowing him to still control you even after he is gone, you are free from his grasp💐

Enjoy being able to have your gifts, they are yours from people who love you and know your worth.

@saraclara

You can't set budgets for other people, but at the same time it's uncomfortable having someone give you more than you can afford for them. And it seems that 95% of people here are ignoring that.

All those saying 'I spend much more on my friend than she can spend on me, because it gives me pleasure' are actually being quite selfish. They're thinking of their own pleasure and not factoring in their friend's potential embarrassment.

As a one off, it's okay. But when it happens all the time, it can be uncomfortable.

Yes, you deserve her gifts, OP. But I also understand why you'd rather she didn't do this.

Agree with @saraclara

My cousin is a high earner, and buys generous gifts for my DC

I'm very grateful, always thank for gifts, and I know they come froma good place with no expectation to reciprocate, but I'm not in a position to send gifts of similar value, so I do sometimes think perhaps better to agree a budget so we could give gifts of similar value

Your friend is trying to buy you nice things because YOU DESERVE to have nice things. You are worthy of having nice presents. Yes this makes you uncomfortable because subconsciously this equates to abuse but it doesn’t anymore- it’s simply someone who loves you seeing things you would like and (I’m assuming) can afford to buy them for you!

Enjoy your gifts. Don’t focus on the cost.

I understand OP. You want a little bit of control back. You've told her it makes you uncomfortable and she continues. She clearly thinks the world of you but she should listen.

I presume her actions are a trauma trigger for you?

You could try to explain that to her. But sounds like maybe she can't get her head round it.

I think you need to approach this as a trauma flashback. Are you doing any trauma therapy? If so, bring it up with your therapist.

To give an example of how I would deal with a trauma response like this, I would:

• journal about it to identify the beliefs and emotions e.g. fear, it's dangerous to receive too much (just an example, your actual response might be different)
• validate to myself that those beliefs and emotions kept me safe during the abuse, and were valuable, even though they don't apply to the present
• if I'm kind of unclear about whether the belief applies to the present or not, use the techniques they teach you in CBT to analyse it
• if I'm clear that is not true in the present but still can't shake the fear and intrusive thought, use EMDR or somatic work to try to reprocess the related memories.

Let me know if you want any book recommendations about trauma treatments.

could you buy her an extra gift to make up the value, if you can afford to?

I’m in the minority here but I think you’re well within your rights to put boundaries in place if this is making you feel uncomfortable. You’ve had a traumatic time being controlled by your ex and now this is situation where you’re being told your feelings don’t matter and you just have to accept the gifts with good grace. You really don’t. Your feelings do matter, however illogical they seem to other people. You shouldn’t worry about losing your friend by reiterating that her going over budget makes you uncomfortable. It sounds like she cares a lot about you. If you want to you could just say ‘I absolutely love it, but I’m so sorry I can’t accept it, you know how anxious going over budget makes me feel because of what happened in the past.’ Your friend should be giving you gifts to make you happy, not to satisfy herself.
You can do whatever you like now, you don’t have anyone controlling you anymore.

I love her like I love my sibling and don’t want to lose her friendship as she’s been a rock

Why is losing her friendship even an option here?

Your friend obviously loves you and wants to treat you. You are still letting this man ruin something that is supposed to be a happy time. Take the gifts and allow yourself and your dd to enjoy them, and if you can afford it maybe you could go a little over budget for your friend. Would that make you feel a bit better?

I’m baffled by some of these replies. Yes the friend may be doing it out of love but the OP has set a boundary (rightly or wrongly in people’s eyes) and her friend isn’t respecting that. That’s not love, that’s smothering.

Part of escaping from the bonds of domestic abuse is regaining your own sense of control, and feeling like your wants/needs/wishes are valid and should be respected. You need to find a way to get this over to your friend, otherwise she’s just another person who thinks they know better than you.

@hopingforabrighterfuture2021

Gently, YABU. You have been subjected to a life of fear, and she wants to treat you, with no expectations. Let her.

I can't say it any better than this.

@DreamerSeven

I’m baffled by some of these replies. Yes the friend may be doing it out of love but the OP has set a boundary (rightly or wrongly in people’s eyes) and her friend isn’t respecting that. That’s not love, that’s smothering.

Part of escaping from the bonds of domestic abuse is regaining your own sense of control, and feeling like your wants/needs/wishes are valid and should be respected. You need to find a way to get this over to your friend, otherwise she’s just another person who thinks they know better than you.

This, and what @janbaby22 said. Most of the responses here are very patronising. OP knows what she wants, and it's to be treated as an equal by her friend. Being the recipient of bounty is one thing (and can be uncomfortable in itself) but having your requests and boundaries ignored is controlling. It might seem benign, but it's still disrespectful. OP is uncomfortable about this, she's told her friend that she is, yet friend ignores her. It's absolutely understandable that OP is feeling powerless again.

You are worthy of the gifts op..
You truly are...

Oh honey, you are not ungrateful and selfish at all. You are anxious, based on your previous experiences.

But you have an absolutely lovely friend, who understands and has been there for you throughout everything you have been through. There is no way she's going to ditch you because she's spent more (by choice) than you have. If she was going to ditch you, it would have been when your exH was making things difficult and awkward.

You've got a great friend there. You don't need to spend lots of money, she appreciated having you in her life just the way you are.

Appreciates*

Not related to your “aibu”, but so happy you got out of that abusive relationship x

Your body has left the controlling relationship and you deserve so much credit for doing the right thing for yourself and your DC. However it looks as if a part of your mind is still in that relationship. Your husband used to control what you were given and now he is gone your unconscious mind is doing the exact same thing for him.

This internal continuation of abuse once the abuser has been eliminated is very common - you see it in victims of bullying for example. Even when the bully is no longer there to call them names or hurt them the victim will hurt themselves with self denigration or harmful behaviours. It's as if they have been brainwashed into thinking that's all they deserve.

And I think that's what your ex partner has done to you. In your head all you should have is the £X pound gift you can afford to reciprocate. But healthy gifting and friendship isn't transactional like that. You knew it wasn't healthy when your ex did it to you, you knew he was being unreasonable. Now you have to find a way of accepting that maybe you are being unreasonable now.

Just keep repeating to yourself 'I have lovely who loves me because I am really lovable." Amounts font matter. She has proven she loves you through thick and thin and is going to keep loving you. Enjoy it. And don't worry it's normal to find it hard to accept nice things after being treated badly but you will find it easier as time passes. 💐

I think this sounds like you haven’t worked through the damage your ex did.

I can understand to some extent if someone goes way over what you have bought for them but ultimately people make choices on how they spend their money.

I don’t think £10-15 is that much over. I think it is also about the pleasure she gets from finding the perfect present for you and not breaking a strict budget would probably cause her a pang of regret if she didn’t buy that extra present

@janbaby22

I’m in the minority here but I think you’re well within your rights to put boundaries in place if this is making you feel uncomfortable. You’ve had a traumatic time being controlled by your ex and now this is situation where you’re being told your feelings don’t matter and you just have to accept the gifts with good grace. You really don’t. Your feelings do matter, however illogical they seem to other people. You shouldn’t worry about losing your friend by reiterating that her going over budget makes you uncomfortable. It sounds like she cares a lot about you. If you want to you could just say ‘I absolutely love it, but I’m so sorry I can’t accept it, you know how anxious going over budget makes me feel because of what happened in the past.’ Your friend should be giving you gifts to make you happy, not to satisfy herself. You can do whatever you like now, you don’t have anyone controlling you anymore.

I definitely agree with this. I don't really understand most of the comments as there's a reason why you wouldn't want people to spend over budget. It's not as if you're saying you don't want people to go over budget because you're not willing to match how much they've spent or something like that.

You've regained control of your life and it must be so hard to fully grasp just how much control you have again. I think it's understandable that people spending over budget can result in anxiety for you as you had consequences when people would get you gifts/spend a considerable amount on you in the past.

Your friend sounds lovely and caring and sounds like they have good intentions but maybe a sit down conversation is needed to really stress how it effects you when she does go over budget?
Even something short like what this poster has said but she really needs to understand why and try her best to listen to you.

Otherwise it's just another person making you feel as if you don't have control over a situation and you just have to deal with those feelings

Don't you see that you are trying to control your friend.? You don't get to set orher people's boundaries, only your own. If it's that much of an issue, end the friendship. You don't get to try & change her. Not ok.

@beachcitygirl

Don't you see that you are trying to control your friend.? You don't get to set orher people's boundaries, only your own. If it's that much of an issue, end the friendship. You don't get to try & change her. Not ok.

Try reading the op again. You could not be more wrong.