My Best Friend went over budget and I can’t cope

[ThePresentsAreWrappedandReady]

But I don’t want to offend her as I love her like a sister.

Background: I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years where I wasn’t allowed to receive presents, at all. If I did, even on my birthday I was forced to buy the same value of gift for my husband if I couldn’t afford to get an equviliant gift then I was harassed and bullied into selling my present to give the money to H to “make up for it”. H was also violent towards both me and DD.

And my best friend was by my side through it all. She was great and never gave up on me or walked away, as H cut me off from everyone she was always there. H hated that. I escaped eventually with the help of some very clever people and the police.

And since then I’ve rebuilt my life. One of my boundaries and hang ups from my marriage is that if I set a budget for presents and I don’t like people spending over that amount because I then get upset and anxious.

My best friend always goes over budget, every single time. She says she wants to spoil me as she couldn’t when I was married and she’s making up for it now. I’ve explained how it makes me feel but she always says “I just saw this one more thing and knew you’d love it” and she’s right, I always absolutely love her presents, but I also worry.

I love her like I love my sibling and don’t want to lose her friendship as she’s been a rock (she says I have been to her too, but I don’t really see how). So I want some strategies really to allow myself to let my friend spend money on me.

We’re not talking £1-5 over budget, we’re talking £10-15 over and she’s spent the same amount on DD so she’s spent almost twice as much on me and DD as I have on her and her DP.

And please call me ungrateful and selfish and whatever you want because it's only what ExH would have called me in the situation anyway.

Reframe this a little. Think about value.

Your ex was very focused on how much things cost and having an equal amount spent but that is not really the value of something. That is his perception of value that was forced on you.

The gift you spend time carefully choosing for your friend, the thought you put into it, the smile when she opens it, is the true value of the gift. It is the love put in.

You and your friend might spend different amounts but the value, the care, the thought can still be equal. That is the important thing.

The gifts that I have valued most in my life certainly haven't been the most expensive, it is the thoughtful ones from people I care about.

In the nicest possible way, yabu.

You deserve the gifts she’s giving you. You deserve to be spoilt. She’s showing that she loves you.

I could understand if she was spending hundreds, but a £10-15 over budget isn’t excessive.

Oh, my dear, completely understandably U. I'm betting that you have PTSD after those six years, to one degree or another, and thanks to your miserable, stinking ex, gifts are a small trigger for you, actually make you feel a bit anxious! Try to understand your friend's reasoning, and accept her gifts as gracefully as you are able to. And try to remember that she, at some level, is trying to heal her own hurt that she could not help you for those six long years.

Oh, sweetie - that is such a sad but sweet post. You are deeply traumatised but have a lovely friend. Rather than try to micro manage the budgeting of your friend, see if you can get some counselling

Ugh. What's all this "sweetie" "doll" etc stuff?

Like I said upthread, people are being really patronising here. It's not healthy..

OP, it's absolutely fine to feel as you do. Your friend means well, so she'd be horrified if she knew how her over-generosity made you feel.

Have a talk with her. Explain that though you really appreciate her gesture (and maybe you could still let her spoil your daughter?) it really, genuinely is something that's not beneficial to you, as following the way your ex treated you, you need to feel in control and on an equal footing with others. Her generosity prevents you from feeling like her equal, and you don't want to feel subservient to anyone ever again.

I'm sure she'd understand if you're as close as you say.

The gifts are to make her feel good, you'll make her happy by gratefully accepting them.

At this is EXACTLY the issue. OP doesn't exist to make others feel good about themselves. She doesn't have to be grateful and subservient. Dammit, she has a right to her own happiness, not to feel awkward and unhappy in order to please someone else.

@Suprima

I don’t see what the problem is?

She is triggered by an overspend so if friend spends more it makes her anxious which she's already said?

She loves you and wants to treat you, to make up for the horribleness. Just say thank you.

@PieMistee

Just keep repeating to yourself 'I have lovely who loves me because I am really lovable." Amounts font matter. She has proven she loves you through thick and thin and is going to keep loving you. Enjoy it. And don't worry it's normal to find it hard to accept nice things after being treated badly but you will find it easier as time passes. 💐

I agree with this. Maybe try one of the online meditations with affirmations, where you remind yourself each day that you’re a good person and worthy of nice things. That might help cancel out all the bad things your ex said.

Your friend sounds lovely. Let her be kind to you - you deserve it

I think those people who are saying that your friend must respect your boundaries would be right in many instances. In this one, however, you had six years of rigid rules in place around gifts. Either there were no gifts, gifts had to match exactly in cost, or gifts had to be given away if they were unevenly balanced.

I don't think it's healthy for you to keep that rule in place by giving your friend an amount to spend that you want her to stick to rigidly. That's only carrying forward the rules your husband made you live by in the past.

So I think it's really healthy for you to want strategies to deal with this. It would also be healthy for you to work on this so that over time you stopped being anxious and worried when someone gives you a gift that either doesn't warrant reciprocation or that can't be matched in terms of perceived cost. Or at least reduce the worry to a manageable level.

Tackling the cost of what she might have spent. How do you know what she's spent? Do you go googling to find out? Do you ask her?

I once bought someone a book for Secret Santa at work. There was a limit of £10 but I saw this book which was perfect for the person concerned, and the extra cost of it was balanced by me having found something quickly, not having to think about it or wonder what to buy, or having to go shopping again and spend time trying to find something that was within budget. The cover price for this book was something like £17, but I'd only paid £12, so not much above the limit.

Something to think about might be that in order to find gifts for you that adhere to your spending limit she might have to spend a lot more time and effort browsing online or wandering round the shops. Try and think of her 'spend' as being more than just the financial spend.

My ex husband only ever valued money. How much we both put into the marriage was measured only in financial terms. He was abusive and it was part of his efforts to diminish me because he brought more, but I spent time and effort on other aspects that he didn't.

Try and think about extricating 'spend' from a purely financial perspective.

Also, you are worthy to receive gifts from your friend. She isn't keeping a tally like your husband did of how much is being spent, or how much you owe her. Not only have you escaped a terrible relationship with her support, you've supported her too. And right now she's spending more on you. But in the future you might want to buy her something that is more expensive. Not to try and match what she spends but because it just happens to be the physical price of what you want to give her. And that would be fine.

Are you having any kind of therapy because this would be a good subject to talk about with the right therapist?

@saraclara

Ugh. What's all this "sweetie" "doll" etc stuff?

Like I said upthread, people are being really patronising here. It's not healthy..

OP, it's absolutely fine to feel as you do. Your friend means well, so she'd be horrified if she knew how her over-generosity made you feel.

Have a talk with her. Explain that though you really appreciate her gesture (and maybe you could still let her spoil your daughter?) it really, genuinely is something that's not beneficial to you, as following the way your ex treated you, you need to feel in control and on an equal footing with others. Her generosity prevents you from feeling like her equal, and you don't want to feel subservient to anyone ever again.

I'm sure she'd understand if you're as close as you say.

Can't you see that the OP's efforts to control other people's spending on gifts is something brought with her from her marriage, and that it's not a healthy place for her to be?

She's still thinking in terms of the way her husband controlled this part of her life. Trying to make it all equal, just as her husband did.

She needs to deal with this and create a healthier perspective first and foremost. That won't happen if the friend sticks with the rules the OP has set out.

I'm surprised by so many people saying "just let her enjoy spoiling you" as if the fact your trauma and the significance you associate with this issue should be secondary to your friend's enjoyment, OP.

I wonder if your thread title simply attracted lots of people who tend to go over-budget on gifts and who have had conversations with friends in other contexts about the fact they overspent out of choice which have nothing to do with your situation.

All this "you're worth it" nonsense is really weird, give the circumstances - why would anyone think that was the problem when you explained the issue clearly in your OP?

I know how hard it is to deal with having to accept gifts despite the fact it's really traumatic purely because the alternative is to upset people who've done nothing wrong. But I think there is actually something wrong in not listening to you if you've explained to her how triggering this is for you.

I always wonder how it can be that the traumatised person has to mask their own feelings and pretend everything's fine and they're happy and not traumatised just so the other person can enjoy giving their gift. How much can they actually enjoy giving that gift when they know it is hurting you to do so?

One of the things I do is look at what it is I am scared of. What are the potential negative consequences? Then work through them, one by one.

You are made to suffer for it - well, not anymore, that is a thing of the past and you have been incredibly brave and strong to escape from that situation. He can't make you suffer for it anymore.

You friend will feel you take advantage of her - look at your friendship, how it withstood the worst your ex threw at you. See the value your friend places on you. Acknowledge the love she feels for you. For a moment, close your eyes and imagine her love like a soft blanket draping itself softly and lovingly over you. Can you feel it's softness and warmth? That is your friends love for you and she wants to share that love with you.

You're not worthy of it - this is the trickiest one to deal with. You need to give yourself positive reinforcement, every day. Look at yourself in the mirror and say something you like about yourself, or that you're proud of yourself for. Say it out loud. You need to HEAR it. And do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and on and on. Eventually it will start to feel more real, you will start to feel more worthy. And remember - your friend is a good judge of character, and she values you. Trust her judgment!

Let yourself be loved

Allow it.

Try to speak with your pal who is doing their best too. Merry Christmas 🎄

Sounds like she knows you've had a hard time and just likes to spoil you I have a friend that's the same she always gets me jewelry when I can't afford the same for her

I am sorry that you had to go through such awful behaviour in your marriage, but seriously you are overthinking this. If your friend wants to treat you, and can afford to, then let her. By trying to control what she spends you are lapsing into your ex's ways. Just try really had to be grateful to have such a caring and generous friend - and remember that she is getting pleasure from giving these gifts to you.

Please don't be upset OP! Take it as your lovely friend wants to treat you. Push away your doubts and fears form being with your ex and love whatever she gives you and your DC. It sounds like you were in an awful relationship so well done for moving on.

Hmmmm, I get the comments about your friends’s generosity.

As an aunt to multitudes, I must set a budget otherwise I’d have a running overdraft through out the year. I really enjoy & take pride in finding presents within that budget but also accept that sometimes I go over that as the right present for that child is just that item. I also take pride in squeezing every discount I can find to get more bounce per ounce to get the right present.

But I also have to bear in mind the context of the gift on the parents & siblings. Will the generosity upset the parents who may not be able to afford much or have good ideas. Will the siblings be ‘hurt’ or feel jealous by the size or number of the boxes, the £spend or how apt the gift is etc. In the moment, these things matter because people have feelings about how they are treated & the gifts are tokens of my thoughts & feel8mgs about them. They shouldn’t because it’s a gift but they do & can either enhance or blight the pleasure of the gift. Ignoring these factors can feel like I am saying ‘I am having a good time, you are not but suck it up’.

So, you have asked your friend not to blast the budget. It is not about the money, it is about boundaries. This is about a straightforward request that she is ignoring. Right now, this matters to you.

You are finding your feet again. You are establishing boundaries & building you autonomy.

The point is you two have agreed on something & she is tearing it up at her whim.

You are not yet completely free of your abuser & their horrible tricks. Does your friend understand the context for you of receiving presents of mismatched value? How sharp, shameful & humiliating it was for you to sell your gifts to ‘make it up’ for your abuser.

Because if I knew what had happened to you & what he forced you to do, I would not overspend because I would respect how much that boundary trampling would hurt you.

Can you help reframe her generosity? Instead of gift items, can she take you out to a splendid lunch? Spa day? Special experience?

She’s being generous because she loves you

Have you had any therapy? Think it would help

Op I'm sorry for your horrible experience. I can understand why you feel uncomfortable about it, it can be difficult to receive more than you give, even without your experience. But please try your best to see you have an absolutely amazing lovely friend who will also get so much joy out of being able to buy you presents and make you feel loved.
Don't look at the expense. it's not about that. Not for your friend anyway. It clearly shows how good a person you must also be to have someone want to do so much.

You've been through hell and it's changed the way you see the world, especially around gifts due to your trauma. The thing to try and remember about your friend is that her gift giving comes from love. She has no agenda and for her it's not about giving to receive, she's giving because she enjoys giving, that's what she gets out of it. Your happiness is what she gets from her giving you a gift - it makes her happy. Try and enjoy it

I don’t like getting presents much. Mostly they just make me uncomfortable. I love love love giving presents though. I spend far too much money on my family at Xmas and I thoroughly enjoy it. Your friend loves you and gets huge joy, by the sounds of things, from buying you presents. Try to relax about it if you can… perhaps some counselling?