My Best Friend went over budget and I can’t cope

[ThePresentsAreWrappedandReady]

But I don’t want to offend her as I love her like a sister.

Background: I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years where I wasn’t allowed to receive presents, at all. If I did, even on my birthday I was forced to buy the same value of gift for my husband if I couldn’t afford to get an equviliant gift then I was harassed and bullied into selling my present to give the money to H to “make up for it”. H was also violent towards both me and DD.

And my best friend was by my side through it all. She was great and never gave up on me or walked away, as H cut me off from everyone she was always there. H hated that. I escaped eventually with the help of some very clever people and the police.

And since then I’ve rebuilt my life. One of my boundaries and hang ups from my marriage is that if I set a budget for presents and I don’t like people spending over that amount because I then get upset and anxious.

My best friend always goes over budget, every single time. She says she wants to spoil me as she couldn’t when I was married and she’s making up for it now. I’ve explained how it makes me feel but she always says “I just saw this one more thing and knew you’d love it” and she’s right, I always absolutely love her presents, but I also worry.

I love her like I love my sibling and don’t want to lose her friendship as she’s been a rock (she says I have been to her too, but I don’t really see how). So I want some strategies really to allow myself to let my friend spend money on me.

We’re not talking £1-5 over budget, we’re talking £10-15 over and she’s spent the same amount on DD so she’s spent almost twice as much on me and DD as I have on her and her DP.

And please call me ungrateful and selfish and whatever you want because it's only what ExH would have called me in the situation anyway.

Congratulations for getting out and I totally relate to your anxiety here but in the nicest possible way you need to let it go.

It’s not up to you to set her budget.

I think as a PP said, it's about boundaries. And she is unwittingly crossing yours. Which retriggers your trauma. Important to have this conversation with her.

I dont want to be 'that person' but have you had much therapy since leaving your marriage? This could be a good thing to bring up with your therapist if so.

Also, I think you should sit down with her and be pretty straight with her and blunt if needs be. It genuinely upsets you and causes you lots of stress.
At the end of the day, she is doing it to make herself feel better about it all.

Or if she still doesn't get it, could you put the extra money you tbink it's worth in a savings pot or something?

But if she's a good friend she should understand if you really tell her, even if it's awkward at first.

@saraclara

The gifts are to make her feel good, you'll make her happy by gratefully accepting them.

At this is EXACTLY the issue. OP doesn't exist to make others feel good about themselves. She doesn't have to be grateful and subservient. Dammit, she has a right to her own happiness, not to feel awkward and unhappy in order to please someone else.

👏👏👏👏

Could you put some items to the side that has gone overboard and donate to a womens refuge to balance it for you?
I disagree with this although I do think it is a kind thought.
The presents were bought for the OP in mind, for her to enjoy. She is worthy of the presents and deserves them.
OP, let yourself be treated and enjoy your gifts.

I appreciate this unsettles your anxiety, but I think £10/15 isn't that much over, and unless she's rubbing the price in your face she probably just is excited to give you something nice.

Well done on leaving an abusive situation. 🙌🏽

@Royalbloo you sound like a lovely friend!

I've a friend in an abusive situation who I think has resigned herself to never leaving.
I buy her and the kids lovely gifts because she isn't able to buy anything for herself as he controls the money.

She's amazing, she deserves better, the kids do too. I just want her to know she's worth a nice gift and someone being thoughtful.

think it's understandable that people spending over budget can result in anxiety

But the OP cannot set another adults budget. To try and dictate how an autonomous adult spends their own money is controlling.

My own mum buys us a lot of tat every Christmas and they are pretty much the same thing every year. Manicure sets, packaged hankies, stationery sets, toiletries, mug sets. If we kept them all, between DC and I, we'd have over 30 staplers/60 mugs, 1000s of notelet's etc. We've had a couple of gentle conversations when I've explained that our house is bursting at the seams and we are actively decluttering so we no longer want lots of presents, that much of what we are given goes straight to a charity shop as we don't have room for everything but the gifts just keep coming.

I have had to accept that as annoying as this is, I cannot dictate how an adult woman chooses to spend her money. I've told her how I feel but If she wants to buy and gift wrap 3 carrier bags full of £2 tat every Christmas that's up to her. But equally she can't dictate what I do with it once Christmas is over.

I can completely understand why OP feels the way she does, it's not rational but it's understandable. However she now has to decide whether this is important enough for her to end the friendship or whether she can learn to live with her friends completely unwanted generosity.

Please don’t worry-I suspect your friend gets so much pleasure from treating you and being able to buy you gifts without worrying that you are going to suffer for it after.

Maybe in the new year get some decent counselling to help you talk this through.

Op, I know it's uncomfortable for you but I think you need a new 'rule'. That at Xmas, your best friend is allowed the pleasure of buying you what she really wants to. Only that once in the year.
She loves you and love is really hard to keep a lid on sometimes. You'd be helping her out.

I am sorry you had to go through this experience OP but so glad you escaped it. It takes courage to leave an abusive situation, it also leaves scars. Your friend has been a rock to you, and enjoys treating you because she cares, you know she has the best intentions. If she knows treating you is a trigger she might have recognised you are not completely free of your nightmares yet, and hoping every time it will be easier for you. If this is not working, tell her not all fears disappear when confronting them. If you recognise this is holding you back therapy, hypnotherapy could help you move to the next phase. Not all jails are real, sometimes they stay in your mind. Whatever you decide communication is key, you know you can trust her. Wishing you a lot of happiness for the future.

Your experience in marriage sounds horrific. Well done for getting free. I think the issue isn't the budget, it is your trauma. Have you had any therapy? I think CBT might be helpful I your situation. Best of luck to you.

My sister often buys me presents (birthday and Christmas) that are far greater in value than I buy for her or for anyone else. She simply enjoys giving lovely presents. For quite a few years I felt bad and tried to increase my budget for my gifts to her to match, but I couldn't afford to keep it up. In the end I decided that it is up to her to set the budget she deems acceptable and it would be churlish of me to try and stop her spending so much - it would take the enjoyment away. So now I accept her generosity for what it is and everyone is happy.

OP you have been through an awful time, and your friend witnessed this. It is her choice if she now wants to try and make you feel better in the way that makes sense to her. In the kindest way I think you need to stop trying to control her budget and accept her kindness for what it is - something that gives her pleasure.

It’s her money, you shouldn’t be dictating what she does with it

If the OP & her friend have discussed a budget for their gifts & for the child, then it is unfair & disrespectful of the friend to tear that agreement up on a whim. The friend knows that our OP is upset by very specific abuses in the context of the unequal value of gifts given.

So far & hopefully not in the future, the OP does not find herself in the position to assert her autonomy she ends the friendship.

If the abuse had never happened & let’s say this was a matter of difference of income/religious belief/environmental principles/personal preferences/ whatever, would it be OK because the friend was coming from a place of generosity so OP has to suck it up.

If the OP & her friend have agreed to a budget in advance, then keeping to that matters.

Let’s hope that the OP & her friend have that direct & honest conversation so that they can get on with being really good friends.
But somehow I don’t think the friend will take a blind bit of notice & will persist in putting the OP back into this role in their drama. After all, she could contain her behaviour when OP was in the midst of the abusive relationship.

Spot on @UniversalAunt . You said exactly what I’d tried to say less eloquently than you.

Just be gracious and say thank you. You need therapy. Your abusive relationship has cast a shadow,

Try to remember that it’s not the expense of the gift that is important and in this case, cliche or not, it really is the thought that counts and that thought…. Is love. Real love. Your friend loves you. She is your choir. Your rock. Your security blanket. She loves you. Her gifts are genuinely bought with love and thought and care and a desire to make you happy and smile. Let her. Let yourself be loved the right way.

On a more serious note…. Have you considered that the panic and discomfort you feel from her doing this is actually a sign of PSTD and you should maybe talk to someone about it. You can’t go though that kind of an abusive experience and not have some stuff to deal with…. I wouldn’t be surprised if you need trauma counselling. Have a look into it.

I've commented this on one thread already (shows how overly invested I am). But seriously, why do people post something on here once and then never come back again. Like seriously you have all these people asking questions & answering your question and then you just never come back. It's so so annoying🙃

Some people express their love through giving gifts, it can be really important to them, so I think try to receive it as an acceptance of their love and regard for you. Sounds like you two have a really great friendship and that's worth working through the discomfort for x