My Best Friend went over budget and I can’t cope

[ThePresentsAreWrappedandReady]

But I don’t want to offend her as I love her like a sister.

Background: I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years where I wasn’t allowed to receive presents, at all. If I did, even on my birthday I was forced to buy the same value of gift for my husband if I couldn’t afford to get an equviliant gift then I was harassed and bullied into selling my present to give the money to H to “make up for it”. H was also violent towards both me and DD.

And my best friend was by my side through it all. She was great and never gave up on me or walked away, as H cut me off from everyone she was always there. H hated that. I escaped eventually with the help of some very clever people and the police.

And since then I’ve rebuilt my life. One of my boundaries and hang ups from my marriage is that if I set a budget for presents and I don’t like people spending over that amount because I then get upset and anxious.

My best friend always goes over budget, every single time. She says she wants to spoil me as she couldn’t when I was married and she’s making up for it now. I’ve explained how it makes me feel but she always says “I just saw this one more thing and knew you’d love it” and she’s right, I always absolutely love her presents, but I also worry.

I love her like I love my sibling and don’t want to lose her friendship as she’s been a rock (she says I have been to her too, but I don’t really see how). So I want some strategies really to allow myself to let my friend spend money on me.

We’re not talking £1-5 over budget, we’re talking £10-15 over and she’s spent the same amount on DD so she’s spent almost twice as much on me and DD as I have on her and her DP.

And please call me ungrateful and selfish and whatever you want because it's only what ExH would have called me in the situation anyway.

Very gently I would point out that you are still repeating the shit your ex told you about equal value gifts and this is your thing, not hers. If your friend wants to spoil you, rejoice in her caring and be proud that you have attracted and kept that in your life. Take care.

I've recently got a stupid job and asked my best friend for a "wish list" of up to £500, on me. She won't and she never will, she's picked one pair of shoes she wants but I adore her x x x

It sounds like she doesn't completely understand the way it retriggers your trauma?
I'm so glad you got away and have such a lovely friend.

She doesn't think she's worth it, but I do x

@Bunce1

Could you put some items to the side that has gone overboard and donate to a womens refuge to balance it for you?

I commend you on you’re bravery to leave your abusive ex.

Enjoy every moment of freedom you really do deserve it. Merry Christmas!

That's a lovely idea. Would that help OP?

Try to remember that if anyone asked her what her friendship with you means to her, she'd probably say that you and your DD mean the world to you and she is grateful that you've been strong enough to break away from your ex. I bet she's proud of you. She wants to show you how being cared about should feel.

I understand why you have this illogical response to her generosity, perhaps try talking with her about it?

I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship. His treatment of you has triggered anxiety in you. Your friend loves you and your daughter. She wants to spend what she pleases. Please don't think that you need to match it, because no-one wants or expects that.

I understand why the budget is important to you. She also understands the budget. She chooses to blow it. Her choice. Be grateful for the gifts and love her for her generosity, if you are still bothered by the discrepancy then buy her the occasional surprise gift or flowers through the year.

Op I am one of those people who loves buying gifts for people it's my way of showing I care, I dont do it to get anything in return I don't care if they spend 50p on me I do it cause I love the feeling of making someone I care about smile and be happy. So you are actually reciprocating the gift when you smile when you open it!! For me there is no greater feeling than seeing the happiness on someone's face from the gift that I put so much thought into. She knows your worth it so enjoy it

You’re not ungrateful, you’re traumatised xxx

But, it’s a hard lesson to learn- that actually you are worthy of love and you are worthy of people choosing you - to spend money on or to spend time with. Would it help if you reframed it as ‘I choose my gifts with care because of how much I love my friends- the budget is my own personal boundary and my friends do the same’? Because if the gifts are expensive but personally chosen that means way more than someone who just buys expensive stuff with no thought.

@thepastisanothercountry

OP I don't think you're ungrarteful or selfish at all but I think that you've been so badly treated you have come to believe you're not worth a toss. You absolutely are and you ARE allowed to have a and enjoy the gifts that your friend sees fit to give you. How wonderful to have a friend who's stuck by you despite everything.

Let her spoil you. You don't have to sell them. You don't have to recompense for them. You just have to enjoy them.

Whatever you do don't get sucked into comparative gift giving - she buys you what she wants and is able to afford for you to have and vice versa. She's not rushing off to check the price she'll just enjoy what you've given her.

Well done for getting out of such an awful relationship and a very merry Christmas to you and your DD.

Just this. OP you may not feel you are worth her spending money on but you're friend obviously does. She gets a lot from your friendship and wants to treat you. That shows how much you mean to her. Just remember that whilst you might not compete in monetary value with gift giving, you obviously do in so many other ways in terms of friendship. Please start to see yourself as your friend does as you are obviously a lovely person

Think of it like this: it’s actually easier to find presents without being limited by price. So she’s actually just making her own life easier. So let her. You are doing her a favour.

Also to echo others- she will be rejoicing in the fact you left your ex, that’s a huge gift for her as well as you! The joy of knowing you aren’t with him any more.

@ChiefInspectorParker

Honestly, I think that you would be better off working through your anxious feelings than trying to change your friend’s behaviour.

That's what the OP asked for - strategies to help her accept the gifts. Some really quite thoughtless replies here. This is someone traumatised by an abusive relationship, for goodness sake people!

I really feel for you.

Could you accept it as her including the gifts she wasn't allowed to give you when you were married?

Please don't let your bastard ex control your life any more.

OP I have not much to add but very unmumsnetty hugs to you. You are amazing for leaving an abusive ex and she will be doing it with love to show how amazing you are. I’m so sorry it makes you feel like it does

Sounds like you have a lovely friend there. Try to zoom out op and be lovely back, try to think about your friendship and not just focus on thag she spent ten or twenty quid more than you wish.

The joy of a gift is as much in the giving as the receiving, please don't take that pleasure away from her.

The only way you need to keep account is that you put thought into what you give to her and choose things with care that you know she'll love and in that way you'll be all square

Embrace it and love being spoilt, it a big 'fuck yyou'to your ex, you're no longer dancing to his tune.

You’re not selfish. You’re traumatised. Give yourself time to heal and accept that you’re worthy of your friend’s love

You sound wonderful and your friend is bloody brilliant.

Allow yourself to be spoilt. Your friend wouldn't do it if she couldn't or didn't want to, and that prick is out of your life now.
Fuck him.

I’m the same as you and I’ve not been through half of what you have, so I can only imagine how you feel.

I think the only thing you can do is to try and let it go.
She wants to spend more on you - that’s her joy and present to herself.
You can set a limit and she will always go over because she wants to spend more on you than you do on her.
So the only thing you can do is to continue to set the limits and just anticipate that she’ll spend more on you.

You could say maybe next year instead of getting each other gifts you could go away for a holiday together or concert and have an experience.

You both sound lovely BTW.

You can set your budget, it's up to hers to set hers.
As long as she is aware she won't get the same amount back- ie no expectation.

Take her at her word, she loves spoiling you.

Hi I really disagree with some comments here. Gift giving is not about the giver it is supposed to make the reciever happy - otherwise what is the point? This is not about a healthy 'giving' where your friend does something nice for you - she is ignoring your clear boundaries and requests.

Gift giving is complex emotionally! It is a subject studied endlessly in cultures across the world by anthropologists.

Gifts carry huge meaning - you cant' just say 'itsnot up to you' - how odd, that would imply that the OP 'owes' it to her friend to accept gifts of any value even if it makes her uncomfortable.

I used to have a friend who would compulsively and inappropriately buy gifts for people she worked with - for no reason - just 'oh I thought of you I love treating people' = but it was just a type of insecurity trying to buy love. It was uncomfortable for other people

Gifts are generally reciprocated like for like in our culture - we do this both subconsciously and consciously - look at all the threads on mumsnet where people feel hurt that theri relative didn't treat them equally with gifts. We know deep down that we want equality in giving and recieving or we can't fully enjoy the gift.

OP your friend isn't listening to you and that is not fair> Tell her if she doesn't stop you will start returning the gifts.

I get it. She's not respecting your boundaries and neither did he. But it's coming from a place of love, not of hate like your ex. I don't really know how you can make yourself be more comfortable with it though. It's a shame she doesn't stick to the boundary.