AIBU to ask what I should know before giving my 10 year old her first phone?

[BadMotorFinger]

My 10 year old is getting her first mobile phone for Christmas (aka my old iPhone).

I think she mainly plans to use it to WhatsApp her friends. I’ve already said to her that’s she’s not allowed Instagram, TikTok or other social media until she’s older. And that I’ll be taking the phone from her overnight, eg from 8pm-8am.

But I’ve got a nagging feeling there’s loads of other stuff I should be aware of and just haven’t thought about! And so, wise mumsnetters, what else do I need to do?

Are there any practical measures, eg apps, safety features I should be aware of? And in a general sense is there any advice you’d give r.e kids and phones? For one thing I’m painfully aware both me and my husband need to get better at modelling sensible mobile phone usage.

So, with the benefit of hindsight what do you wish you knew before your child got their first phone?

[Mumadof3]

@fairycakes1234

My daugher is getting one and she is 9, she uses mine the whole time to make videos and play games. From experience, make sure and have family link put on both your phone and hers. Its so useful and i have it on my kids phones. Basically you can control how many hours they are on phone, you can switch her phone off immediately if you want to, it wont let her download any games/videos without your premission, it wont let them look at any adult sites. I would definately recommend it. I would make sure she keeps away from snapchat and monitor the tiktok.

@fairycakes1234 how do you do this please?

[GrazingSheep]

Check every day - not just sporadically.
Assume that all the talks about internet safety are meaningless- there was a thread here a few days ago from a poster whose 13 year old son sent photos to someone he thought was a teenage girl. He was then blackmailed. The op of that thread was shocked that all the talk of cyber safety meant nothing to her son.
Strictly limit the hours - don’t let family time fall by the wayside because she wants to be in her room on her phone

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

Write up a 'contract' for her to sign.
No phone in the bedroom so left downstairs all the time, time limits as you suggested, no adding contacts etc

[Foolsrule]

Another one who thinks she’s too young.

[ShortDaze]

Use iPhone parental controls to set time limits, parental control on downloading apps, sleep time, individual app time limits. There’s a good how to guide on the Apple website if you Google.

Either remove the web browser or limit it to white listed sites using Quostodio.

Consider having no social media and no access to the camera, or at least no way of sending photos.

[SuperSharpShooter]

Our ten yr old is getting one too.
His older bro got given one (not by me!) when he was ten. The youngest has remembered this.

I honestly think 10 is too young, but it is what it is. He starts high school in sept, will be getting a bus, walking alone etc He us defo the last one in his class to have one.

There will be no social media except WhatsApp with mega restrictions. Blocks to internet & downloads with parental permission only and off between 8pm till after school the next day. - we still have these rules for the 13 nearly 14 yr old. He's now really good at self regulation and shows zero signs if addiction, some days not looking at it at all.

He'll mainly use it to keep in touch with his dad and cousins independently, making videos and playing a Monster Orchestra Game.

Start with hardcore rules and stick to them. Easier than dealing with fall out of 'THE INTERNET'


Good luck OP, you're in charge ;)

[hopingforabrighterfuture2021]

Access to everything and knowing her password and checking messages and stuff at random. It might feel intrusive but it was what I agreed with my daughter. She’s nearly 13 now and I still check periodically. She knows this.

Be VERY aware that new social media apps pop up quicker than you can say she can’t have them. Also, I said to my DD that I will not be angry with her if she tells me the truth, but if she lies then that’s the end of the phone.

Good luck.

[Squidlydoo]

I teach computing in secondary school so often have internet safety lessons in school and talk to students a lot about their usage. I am also in charge of PSHE so lead a lot of these sessions with young peopl.

Here is what I have gleaned from (admittedly older) children - albeit not every single child but this is common consensus:

1. they use their phones for 10-12 hours a day (not including the hours they’re in school. This means they are on phones late into the night. I was shocked at the amount.
   
2. they send messages through the night, checking phones as they wake up in the middle of the night and then going back to sleep
   
3. girls get a lot of dick pics - a lot!! Normally from near strangers or people they hardly know but also from boys in school.
   
4. most kids have multiple insta, TikTok, Snapchat accounts - the ones their parents know about and then others!!
   
5. boys don’t feel they get an easy ride on phones. There is generally a common consensus that girls and boys find it equally tough
   
6. the messages a lot of kids send each other are absolutely obscene - graphically pornographic or vile language. Right from year 7. In many cases it’s the ones you least expect who are the worst.
   
7. it’s all about likes. They will delete pictures that don’t get enough likes. They will be riddled with anxiety about getting likes. There is an etiquette regarding how you should like, tag and comment on posts.
   
8. they get terrible FOMO. They get upset seeing friends posting about things they are not invited to or not at.
   
9. most bullying happens online/ on phones
   
10. the vast majority of children (year 7+)have seen porn on their phones. Many watch it regularly. Restrictions don’t matter as they can get around those
    
11. many children are extremely anxious and know their phones contribute but know they can’t step away for FOMO or being excluded from peers
    
    For context, I teach in a largely middle class school in a nice area. I have taught computing for 20 years but am also on senior team so deal with a lot of safeguarding/ pastoral phone issues. I can’t say ALL students because of course it’s not. But it is extremely common what I am describing - even with nice children.
    
    I would also add that students take a lot of screen shots of things sent to them. This can be helpful - especially if school gets involved - but can be quite upsetting as comments/ pictures can be shared quickly around friends/ whole year group/ whole school

[Ionacat]

No phone upstairs - keep it where you can see it.
I would say no to internet and I would advise you to rethink what’s app.
Internet - we allow but only where we can see it and that goes for anything like YouTube . We’ve set the settings so all apps have to be approved and disabled Safari.
What’s app - although you can change the settings so they can only be added to groups by their contacts - you have no control over who else is in the group or what they post and even are they who they say they are in the group. My DD who is not allowed regularly tells me that there are issues in what’s app groups - swearing, bullying etc. Once you’ve seen something you can’t unsee it. Commonsense media says 14 plus and its age rating is 12 plus.
We regularly talk about phones and internet dangers - constant reminders that nothing you send is private and one screenshot can be sent to lots of people in seconds so be careful what you send. You might trust people but falling outs happen frequently at their age and it’s very easy to say things via text/what’s app that you wouldn’t ever say in person.

[AnotherOneWithNoGoodName]

If she has to have WhatsApp, I would make a condition of her having it that you install WhatsApp desktop and can see her account/chats.

Generally- disable as many features as you can and monitor her use very very carefully.

[Chatwin]

Get Google Family Link which enables strict controls and can switch the phone off at a time of your choosing.

[ballsdeep]

@Foolsrule

Another one who thinks she’s too young.

The op didn't ask toy that did she?
There are some posters on here who need to get down from their high horses

[KewMummy87]

Why would anyone give a gift to a child that needs so many rules. It’s just too young. It really is. None of the 10 year olds that I know at school have a phone. Not a one. The parents are way too sensible. And if a child does need a phone for secondary - nothing wrong with a Nokia to make calls! I also find it so sad when younger kids are mugged for their smart phones. It’s just all so fucked up.

The “children use my phone all the time to I got them their own” people… Find something else for your children to DO!

I have children around this age. I limit screen time and they don’t have access to any devices with adverts, YouTube etc. Its SO much easier to not have it than to try to introduce restrictions on something designed to be addictive!

The pp who is a teacher… Read her post. Read it twice. Remove your children from this crap. Yes they need to learn to be safe online, but they can learn when they’re a bit older and have the maturity to deal with it.

[KewMummy87]

@ballsdeep interesting name. There are parents who need to start being parents.

[itsjustnotok]

My DD was allowed one once she started walking to and from school alone. No social media at all, nothing. Anyone can add her to WhatsApp if they have her number. We set up parental controls so she couldn’t have apps that we didn’t approve first. I pay the bill and therefore i can check her phone. I am thankful I did this because some of the texts were awful and we could discuss whether these were truly friends or not.

[fairycakes1234]

@Mumadof3
its on playstore, its called google family link and you just install it on your phone and also your childs. It really is very good.

[Santahatesbraisedcabbage]

Ime at 10 navigating the 'tone' of texting is difficult.. For ds it led to bullying /being bullied and lots of offensive words...
Phone removed and waited until secondary school.. As was my plan until his older db gave him an old one against my better judgement.

[Mumadof3]

[quote fairycakes1234]@Mumadof3
its on playstore, its called google family link and you just install it on your phone and also your childs. It really is very good.[/quote]
Thank you will have a look

[Immunetypegoblin]

I have a 10yo about to get his first phone so this is very helpful, thank you. I don't want him to have one but honestly, all his friends do and he will end up socially isolated if I hold out. I don't want that for him, so this is the best worst option I can see.

Stupid world

[CrumblyCrimble]

PHONE CHARTER
 
£
I know that there are three reasons to have a connected phone: to stay in touch with family, to keep me safe if there is an emergency and to stay in touch with friends.
£
If I lose or break my phone it will be replaced by a non-smart phone.
£
I understand that mobile phones are addictive and if I accept that if an adult thinks I am using my phone too much then I will stop using it if they ask me to.
£
To stay safe online I give Mum and Dad access to my phone and my passwords whenever they want to look at it and check my messages/apps. I will tell Mum and Dad if I ever change my passwords.
£
I won’t use my phone when walking down the road or crossing the road as I understand that I can’t be aware of what is going on around me.
£
When in the house the phone stays downstairs and I won’t use it during a meal or time with the family.
£
My phone will be charged downstairs and not in my room.
£
I agree not to use my phone during family days or meals out.
£
I will only give my phone number to people who are friends in the real world or family members.
£
If I see or read anything on my phone which I don’t like or I don’t understand, I will tell Mum or Dad straight away.
£
I am not to connect to any social media apps aside from Whatsapp and then I know that Mum and Dad will check my messages to make sure I am safe.
£
If someone tries to take my phone I will give it to them straight away.
£
If Dad/Mum/family call I shall answer straight away or call back as soon as I can.
£
I understand that if I don’t stick to the above then my phone may be taken away for a defined period of time.
 

[Keepitonthedownlow]

You can have a second sim and let her use WhatsApp on your phone instead.

[RandomDent]

Link it to yours via family sharing. Don’t put a sim in it yet. Lock down screen time, downtime, age restrictions etc via your phone.
Of course that means she won’t have WhatsApp: that’s for 16+.

[QueenJeanie]

Don't let her have any apps with an age rating until she is that age

[JustLikeaJingleBell]

If the phone is older than an iPhone 7 / 8 then most of the apps will soon be redundant as you won't be able to update them so they'll be defunct.

I don't think she's too young as lots of DC have phones that age.

My DC had phones that age as they had to walk themselves to and from primary school. I did get only get them basic cheap smartphones to test out to see what apps they used and if they'd break them.

[Nomoreusernames1244]

Qustodio is a good (if pricey) parental controls app if you want to go down that road

Iphones have a pretty decent set of parental controls.

Add her to your family icloud account, then you can set screen time, set when the phone goes off, sett how long she can access each app, monitor activity etc. you can limit apps by age, and set it so you have to approve from your phone if she wants to access or download a new app.

You can also block content and restrict to age appropriate only, and don’t forget to turn off location data- except find my iphone!

Also check your router, some allow you to set restrictions there as well.