AIBU to ask what I should know before giving my 10 year old her first phone?

[BadMotorFinger]

My 10 year old is getting her first mobile phone for Christmas (aka my old iPhone).

I think she mainly plans to use it to WhatsApp her friends. I’ve already said to her that’s she’s not allowed Instagram, TikTok or other social media until she’s older. And that I’ll be taking the phone from her overnight, eg from 8pm-8am.

But I’ve got a nagging feeling there’s loads of other stuff I should be aware of and just haven’t thought about! And so, wise mumsnetters, what else do I need to do?

Are there any practical measures, eg apps, safety features I should be aware of? And in a general sense is there any advice you’d give r.e kids and phones? For one thing I’m painfully aware both me and my husband need to get better at modelling sensible mobile phone usage.

So, with the benefit of hindsight what do you wish you knew before your child got their first phone?

[QuillBill]

Maybe some schools are different, but DS (11 - Yr7) would struggle without a smart phone as in his year group (300+ kids) those without are definitely very much in a minority. The school almost encourages it as the app/website (Satchel) they use for timetables/homework works really well on phones (its the only wayI use the parent version).

Again, the OP's child isn't 11 and in secondary school. She's 9.

[liveforsummer]

Dd has an iPhone and I set limits so after a certain time she can't use any apps. She can request extra, say if we are on holiday our on a long car journey etc. The attitude to phones on here doesn't reflect my experience in real life at all. At 10 all DD's friends had phones. As they were 10 during lockdown 1 even the most reluctant parents had seen the importance of dc being able to keep contact with their friends but most had had them previously anyway. I check DD's phone regularly and openly. Apart from anything, at 10 dd was collecting her sister from school and communicating with me whether they were waiting for me at the park or heading gone and would see me there.

[LittleBrenda]

@logsonlogsoff

The upshot OP is are you prepared to talk to your child now about pornography,
Cyber-bullying and grooming? If not then She’s too young for that phone.

I agree. It's a lot of responsibility for a nine year old. 'So darling, I need to talk to you about dick pics and pornography.'

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

Parental security and I’ve downloaded the m.see app which means I see everything my child does when using their phone.

[liveforsummer]

but I wouldn’t advise a 10 year to take it out and can’t see why they would have much need tbh and it puts it at risk of damage, loss/theft.

Is that not half the point, to be able to contact you if going out ie to the park or walking to/from school. At 10 the rules changed and 2 people from different households were allowed to meet dd was meeting a friend and either going for a walk with the dog or bike ride. She'd share her location with me via what's app so I knew exactly where she was

[newname12345]

@QuillBill I know she is 10 years old (not 9!), so could be Yr6 at primary school and hence less than 9 months away from high school. I am certain most of DS's year didn't get given phones on their first day at high school.

[liveforsummer]

[quote newname12345]@QuillBill I know she is 10 years old (not 9!), so could be Yr6 at primary school and hence less than 9 months away from high school. I am certain most of DS's year didn't get given phones on their first day at high school.[/quote]
Tbh this does seem to be the case. Dc let loose on day one of high school having never had a phone or walked anywhere independently til that day then expected just to get on with it. It's why it's so common for dc of this age to be hit by cars etc I once read.

[QuillBill]

Whoops, definitely had it in my head she was nine.

[anon12345678901]

My child is getting one for Christmas but he is 11. He has been told I will be able to look at it when I want, no questions asked. He understands his screen time will be limited. I'm not worried, I talk to him regularly about internet / Xbox safety. Make sure you regularly talk to her about keeping safe. Set the phone to go off after a certain time and not come on until a certain time to limit it.

[stargirl1701]

My DDs have had old iPhones from 5. Just disable everything except music and audio and you turn it into an iPod. They have no access to the internet - just the content I download and sync for them.

[liveforsummer]

@newname12345 it's pretty much expected dc will have phones at her school too. They were recommended to take photos of their timetable and to have it as Home Screen. Often take pictures of homework tasks on the board etc.

[stargirl1701]

@JustLikeaJingleBell

My iPhone 3 is still plodding along. Music and audio books both still work.

[remindmewhyidothis]

Watch out for WhatsApp. It's where a lot of bullying took place in year 6 class chats in both my kids year groups. We also had a letter from the Head to all parents saying that children had been sharing links to websites with inappropriate content via the one of the year 6 class chats.

[newname12345]

@liveforsummer It probably depends on the area. Definitely in Yr6 phones were allowed at DS's school (they put them in a box during the day) and depending on the distance kids were walking in independently.

[Eloisedublin123]

I’ve an 11 year old who is looking for a phone too. I’ve said no so far. It all scares me! Reading with interest

[worriedatthemoment]

@foxgoosefinch really they tell you that ? My 18 and 16 year old have never said that and also they have never had these links sent go them
I also taught them to never open links etc and at a you g age they were not on chat sites , just played games , FaceTimed family.
The apps came later when older teenagers

[worriedatthemoment]

I also checked phones regularly when they were young , but at 11 mine had about 10 contacts , we didn't have whatsapp really then

[Avarua]

Another one saying she's too young for a phone.

Absolutely no tiktok or social media till 13. They are age rated 13 for a reason.

[Awalkintime]

@GrazingSheep

Check every day - not just sporadically.
Assume that all the talks about internet safety are meaningless- there was a thread here a few days ago from a poster whose 13 year old son sent photos to someone he thought was a teenage girl. He was then blackmailed. The op of that thread was shocked that all the talk of cyber safety meant nothing to her son.
Strictly limit the hours - don’t let family time fall by the wayside because she wants to be in her room on her phone

This is because we victim blame when we teach kids internet safety. We tell them they are responsible for controlling what perpetrators on the internet do. Grooming is that subtle that even adults can't spot it and given we are groomed ourselves daily we don't even notice it.

We make them watch videos of scenarios online such as giving out personal information or adding people they don't know and then say - what did the child do wrong. The onus is always on the child to do the right thing regardless of how easily it is to groom a child or regardless of how threatening an adult can be to force a child into acting. There is no focus on what the perpetrator is doing wrong and how children are tricked. This then means children blame themselves and are less reluctant to ask for help when situations arise.

Teach your child that they are not to blame if a person tricks them online and show them how to get help. Explain how people will trick them for their personal information then the focus is about how others might be wrong to ask for it instead of them being wrong for giving it as they would be the victims.

This books covers lots of topics such as this and helps to educate without blaming them.
victimfocus-resources.com/collections/resources-for-schools/products/the-primary-school-and-home-school-guide-ethical-sex-and-relationships-education-for-young-children-by-dr-jessica-taylor

[gettingolderbutcooler]

Let her know you will be looking at it regularly x

[newname12345]

@Eloisedublin123 Do you ban all technology? Tiktok for example can be done via tablets, pc, and even smart TVs. Whatsapp is one of the few things that is difficult to do without a phone.

[WhatWouldTheDoctorDo]

For us some of the key points were that the phone was very much a privilege that could be removed at anytime and was conditional on us having the passcode and routinely checking messages. We checked messages a lot (though that came to a natural end in high school, but I still have the code. We talked a lot, and repeatedly about appropriate messages - content, tone, emotions. Not to post when angry or upset, not to gossip or be mean about other people - if you wouldn't say it to their face, don't put it in a text. The importance of telling us about any messages that caused upset or worry.

On a practical level we set parental controls on our broadband and no phone at bedtime. No other social media until high school. Strictly no answering calls or messages from unknown numbers. Find my phone enabled for tracking.

[sashh]

That you will be checking her phone for her own safety.

Do check her phone regularly but don't be angry if you find things have been sent to her, discuss it.

If she sees or hears anything on her phone she is upset about, doesn't understand, or she just doesn't like she can show you and/or her dad and you will not be angry.

[Pedalpushers]

@Clymene your post made me shudder. My parents used to tell me my tears were emotional manipulation which wouldn't work on them, I've grown up to be an adult with horrendous mental health issues (but a great relationship with my phone, as an aside).

[ShortDaze]

[quote newname12345]@Eloisedublin123 Do you ban all technology? Tiktok for example can be done via tablets, pc, and even smart TVs. Whatsapp is one of the few things that is difficult to do without a phone.[/quote]
It’s not just about the phone, you have to put in place the same level of protection on all devices. Which is a pain, and takes some Googling.

That’s why the smart TV, tablet and any other internet enabled device in our house have codes to put in to get beyond child safe activities. So dd can watch BBC kids stuff and anything age appropriate on Netflix, but the smart TV won’t open YouTube for her.