AIBU to ask what I should know before giving my 10 year old her first phone?

[BadMotorFinger]

My 10 year old is getting her first mobile phone for Christmas (aka my old iPhone).

I think she mainly plans to use it to WhatsApp her friends. I’ve already said to her that’s she’s not allowed Instagram, TikTok or other social media until she’s older. And that I’ll be taking the phone from her overnight, eg from 8pm-8am.

But I’ve got a nagging feeling there’s loads of other stuff I should be aware of and just haven’t thought about! And so, wise mumsnetters, what else do I need to do?

Are there any practical measures, eg apps, safety features I should be aware of? And in a general sense is there any advice you’d give r.e kids and phones? For one thing I’m painfully aware both me and my husband need to get better at modelling sensible mobile phone usage.

So, with the benefit of hindsight what do you wish you knew before your child got their first phone?

[parietal]

For all those recommending Quostodio - we tried it but found it much to restrictive because DD couldn't use the apps she needed. She commutes on tube & bus to school across London and needs things like CityMapper for when the trains are messed up. But with Qustodio, the phone was so locked down that she couldn't actually use it.

I wish there were tech solutions that actually worked!

[VincentIsLost]

Sorry to side track, but I have an iPhone (for work) with air drop and never once have had an unsolicited message. Why would this happen to a child and not me? Genuine question. Do they have different settings or something?

It won't be happening to you if you have your airdrop settings set to 'contacts only'. That's what the poster was advising the OP should ensure. Otherwise you can end up,with a photo sent to you from any nearby phone. 🍆

[2319inprogress]

Mine didn't get one until 13 & we've set it up so it works as a combination of an iPod & a dumb phone. The only additional functionality she has is Skype for messaging known friends, email & whatthreewords to make it easy to set a meeting point.

My advice would be to play with any app you intend to let her have - DD has a friend who loves Snapchat & she wanted it, I understood it as an instant message app but after playing with it myself I absolutely won't let her have it as there is far more to it.

You can read what Billie Eilish recently said about the effect that being exposed to porn from age 11 had on her here

[MrsJamin]

@omicrone why have you just accepted that your daughter can have whatsapp? It's very naive all these parents allowing access to an app only allowed for 16 year olds! Sms messaging is fine and will shield her from the crap that goes down in WhatsApp groups which is where a lot of bullying happens. You're the adult, you decide stuff, nothing is inevitable just because other parents make poor decisions.

[Jazzyjeffery]

F

[Flowerlane]

@N4ish

All these people saying their kids need phones so they’re safe walking home from school! The dangers they’ll be exposed to via the phone are far, far worse than those the average UK child will encounter during a brief walk.

Have a 10 year old and no way on earth would I give her a phone, especially a smart phone. None of her friends in Y5 have them and wouldn’t make any difference to me if they did. It’s my job to parent and protect her not to win a most popular mum contest.

No children at our school only have a brief walk to get home, majority travel by car/train so a phone can be vital at times for a child/parent to get in contact with one another.

[domesticslattern]

I found this report by the Children's Commissioner interesting. Basically they talked to a bunch of young people and asked what parents should know/ do about online sexual harassment. I found it pretty eye-opening. The advice is that as soon as you give your DC a smartphone you need to start to have these conversations.

www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/2021/12/16/the-things-i-wish-my-parents-had-known-young-peoples-advice-on-talking-to-your-child-about-online-sexual-harassment/

I would also add that I cheerfully gave DD1 a phone which she used to join the Y6 class WhatsApp group - on which a young girl posted pictures of herself self-harming. I didn't anticipate that at all. So that's another chat to have.

[NoWireHangersEver]

As a Gen Z feminism board refugee - OP please just get your daughter a pay-as-you-go internet-less brick phone for ease of contact with you and her friends and keep it this way for a few years. The smartphone really is not worth it. Make a big deal out of customising the brick phone and making it look pretty (cases and charms), and compensate with something else so she doesn't feel left out - video game she can play with family/friends in a communal area? Digital camera or Polaroid? Anything that makes her feel social and grown-up that isn't a smartphone with internet access.

I got my first smartphone when I was 13 and even that was too young imo. I really do not think these devices should be given to children under 16. My enthusiasm for reading was completely taken away, my attention span got shorter, I became addicted to porn in Year 9, and I was exposed to subcultures that I should not have been exposed to. It's taken a lot of energy to break these negative habits as a young adult .

Children will naturally tend towards places they know they're not allowed in. A contract will not be respected in this newly independent stage and if it's broken the damage will already be done. Don't do it!

[Isithometimeyet0987]

Get an app called screen time the free version allows you to monitor what apps are being used, screen time, which websites are being visited, which social media platforms are being used and what YouTube videos are being used aswell as it send your phone a notification when your child tries to download a app.
Also download find my iPhone which allows you to track the phone at all times as long as the phone has an internet connection. Also make sure you turn on hide explicit results in Google if she has to app which blocks inappropriate sites. Also you set the password and she’s not allowed to change it without you doing it for you or telling you it straight away. Also make sure the WhatsApp setting are set so random people can’t add her into chats.

[AnotherOneWithNoGoodName]

It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks she is too young, she is OPs cild and it's OPs decision.

[Shedmistress]

@AnotherOneWithNoGoodName

It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks she is too young, she is OPs cild and it's OPs decision.

She is asking what she should know before she gives a 10 year old, an adult's plaything.

People have responded.

If she chooses to ignore responses, then that is her decision to make.

[Nomoreusernames1244]

I wish there were tech solutions that actually worked!

I find the iphone settings themselves more than fine. There’s no need to download any apps, it can all be done from the parents phone within settings.

Dd’s is blocked completely 7-7, she can only use social media for two hours a day, and any other apps for 3 hours. She can only access content for under 12, including netflix, amazon etc. this automatically means she can’t access whatsapp as it’s 16+, unless I specifically change it. She can’t recieve messages off non contacts, and she can’t add contacts, buy anything, or download anything, including apps, without an approval request to my phone.

She can request extra time, and occasionally allow it in the holidays or if she has a particular reason.

[logsonlogsoff]

The upshot OP is are you prepared to talk to your child now about pornography,
Cyber-bullying and grooming? If not then She’s too young for that phone.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

@tootyfruitypickle

I have as much concern as anyone else.

For me, education and discussion is much safer than point blank refusal . My parents were very strict and I went nuts at 14 and was lucky nothing bad happened .

So I am looking after my dd and keeping her safe by communicating and educating.

This is what dd's school told us during lockdown - a blanket ban is worse than controlled access to devices.
My dd aged ten is desperate for a phone but l am holding out on the basis she is always with me.
But during lockdown, we gave her much more screen time than ever before and took it as an opportunity to educate her about online safety.

[GrazingSheep]

and took it as an opportunity to educate her about online safety.

Which probably went in one ear and out the other.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

@GrazingSheep

and took it as an opportunity to educate her about online safety.

Which probably went in one ear and out the other.

Thanks for your input there!

[MissMinutes24]

@KewMummy87

Why would anyone give a gift to a child that needs so many rules. It’s just too young. It really is. None of the 10 year olds that I know at school have a phone. Not a one. The parents are way too sensible. And if a child does need a phone for secondary - nothing wrong with a Nokia to make calls! I also find it so sad when younger kids are mugged for their smart phones. It’s just all so fucked up.

The “children use my phone all the time to I got them their own” people… Find something else for your children to DO!

I have children around this age. I limit screen time and they don’t have access to any devices with adverts, YouTube etc. Its SO much easier to not have it than to try to introduce restrictions on something designed to be addictive!

The pp who is a teacher… Read her post. Read it twice. Remove your children from this crap. Yes they need to learn to be safe online, but they can learn when they’re a bit older and have the maturity to deal with it.

I so agree with this

[GrazingSheep]

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin
You probably didn’t read the thread I referred to earlier. A 13 year old boy sent pictures to a person who he thought was a teenage girl. Except she wasn’t. He was blackmailed. His parents were alerted by Western Union when he was trying to send money to the people who had his photos - presumably nudes, his genitals etc but hopefully not his face. The op in that thread thought that she had drilled it home to her child about internet safety, staying safe online, not sending pictures or engaging with people he didn’t know. Except when it mattered most her child didn’t heed those conversations. Now he is absolutely devastated.

[Snuggles81]

Not sure if this is the same for iphones (we are a Samsung family). But we have Google family link app which has been amazing. It allows you to set limits for how many hours it could be used, when to lock the phone at night time and unlock in the morning. All requests for apps have to come via the app to my phone, so I vet everything. All parental controls are set and as the app knows she's under 13 it only allows kids youtube etc. I also check her phone regularly.

My personal opinion is that we have to teach children how to use the Internet and technology safely and appropriately rather than banning them outright. Technology is hear to stay and our kids know way more than we think. We need to teach them healthy habits of phone use.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

[quote GrazingSheep]@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin
You probably didn’t read the thread I referred to earlier. A 13 year old boy sent pictures to a person who he thought was a teenage girl. Except she wasn’t. He was blackmailed. His parents were alerted by Western Union when he was trying to send money to the people who had his photos - presumably nudes, his genitals etc but hopefully not his face. The op in that thread thought that she had drilled it home to her child about internet safety, staying safe online, not sending pictures or engaging with people he didn’t know. Except when it mattered most her child didn’t heed those conversations. Now he is absolutely devastated.[/quote]
No sorry l didn't- but l regularly discuss with my daughter about this type of thing and the dangers of social media and how the number of likes you get doesn't matter etc etc.
And l work in a school and know the issues group chats cause, so l am always saying to her about that too.
Gosh l am not saying she wouldn't do anything stupid, but l am prepping her the best l can for when the time comes.
She asks me questions and appears like she has taken it in, so when eventually she does get a phone, l hope and pray some of it will stick in her brain x

[foxgoosefinch]

It’s not really about teaching the child or getting them to obey certain rules; it’s more that you can’t control what other people do. And if those other people want to send your kid porn or dubious content or all sorts of stuff — whether it’s a texted picture of a 13-year-old boy’s genitals; or an innocuous link that’s actually a pornbot embedded video of anal gang rape; or a schoolfriend with mental health issues drawing your child into seeing and discussing inappropriate material on a group chat — you can’t really stop it and no amount of warning your child will stop other people doing it.

[lanthanum]

DD was happy with a non-smart-phone until after she'd started secondary. It probably helped that the school doesn't allow phones; those that have them for the journey have to hand them in on arrival.

We held off on WhatsApp until she was 14 - and gave in then mainly because of lockdown. She doesn't use any of the other major social media apps.

I don't think she's encountered anything dodgy on WhatsApp, but then she is only in groups with her very sensible friends (I think anyone who did anything silly would be kicked out smartish).

I think we've only once had any issues with phone use - a bit of teasing that a friend continued by text. She immediately blocked the friend, and asked me to email her friends to explain that she was upset and wouldn't be reading emails/texts over the weekend. All was fine by Monday!

Having seen the list by the ICT teacher further up the thread, I'd be really interested to know whether there's any differences between schools on this, particularly those with no-phones policies.

[SE13Mummy]

Start her off with the bare minimum of apps and functionality e.g. messages and a couple of games and strict time limits as well as screen time. Ensure that app downloads and in-app purchases need a password that only you know and set the phone up so she cannot enable location. I'd also suggest you set it so withheld numbers cannot call.

When my DCs had their first smart phones, I removed all apps that I didn't want them accessing, including safari or the internet. It meant their phones couldn't open any links they were sent and didn't have access to the internet. Over time, the limits on their phones have changed e.g. DC2's form tutor uses kahoot once a week in form time but the app doesn't work without access to the website so I enabled safari for pre-approved websites only.

Look at commonsense media to explore suitable apps together and watch the NSPCC share aware videos so DD understands that not everyone will be kind or genuine online. We have rules about...

1. not photographing body parts that are usually covered by clothing and definitely not sending photos of those body parts to anyone
2. phones not being used as alarm clocks - they are switched off and charged outside of bedrooms overnight (for adults and children)
3. at sleepovers in our home, phones are outside the bedroom (still freely accessible to their owners without needing to speak to us first but not close enough for grabbing to take photos of sleeping friends and sharing online) from Xpm. Friends know this in advance.
4. no mindless forwarding of chain messages e.g. ones about Theresa from 1572 who will come and kill your mum if you don't forward the message to 27 people because phones were definitely a thing then
5. always ask before sharing someone else's contact details
6. always ask before circulating photos of someone else
7. no photos to be put online that give away their school or home address
8. it's OK to permanently block people who are unpleasant (but not OK to block/unblock repeatedly)
9. be polite and kind; if your messages were shown to your Gran/headteacher, would you be proud or ashamed

10. do not store home address in phone anywhere in case the bag/coat containing phone and doorkey goes AWOL
11. moaning about limits/rules/model of phone is an indicator that DC is not coping with the responsibility of having a phone...

As the DC have got older so they have taken more control over their phone settings and usage. DC1 is now in the sixth form and their phone is one they purchased themselves so we don't police it nor do we expect it to be switched off by a particular time at night. Whilst they were still in Y11, we did have a negotiated switch off time because I felt it was important for DC to be able to focus on other stuff and also to know that the sky wouldn't fall in if they didn't respond to a Snapchat message at 2am. DC1 says now that although it used to be frustrating, they realised they could 'own' the decision and just tell friends they'd be switching off at 10pm to do some work or whatever. The friends respected that, knew that DC1 wasn't 'airing' them and also knew that if they wanted to chat etc. they needed to do so before 10pm. Although it's rarely at 10pm now, DC1 still does set their own phone curfew and has their phone off and out of their room overnight.

[Uninterested]

@Nomoreusernames1244

I wish there were tech solutions that actually worked!

I find the iphone settings themselves more than fine. There’s no need to download any apps, it can all be done from the parents phone within settings.

Dd’s is blocked completely 7-7, she can only use social media for two hours a day, and any other apps for 3 hours. She can only access content for under 12, including netflix, amazon etc. this automatically means she can’t access whatsapp as it’s 16+, unless I specifically change it. She can’t recieve messages off non contacts, and she can’t add contacts, buy anything, or download anything, including apps, without an approval request to my phone.

She can request extra time, and occasionally allow it in the holidays or if she has a particular reason.

Exactly. The iPhone restrictions are really good. Spend time researching them. You can access them in the section called Screen Time. They are extensive and easy to use. They will have their own passcode but only you will be able to change the settings.
If it’s too tricky get someone to help you. (An apple store genius appointment maybe ? ). It’s worth putting in the time now tprather than trying to do it after it’s too late.

[newname12345]

Maybe some schools are different, but DS (11 - Yr7) would struggle without a smart phone as in his year group (300+ kids) those without are definitely very much in a minority. The school almost encourages it as the app/website (Satchel) they use for timetables/homework works really well on phones (its the only wayI use the parent version).

Lots of talk on here about negatives about smart phones, but there are positives. For example I use phone tracking so I know exactly where DS (or at least his phone) is at all times. Also he has contactless payments set up so he can easily spend his (limited) pocketmoney without worrying about a bank card/cash.

Whatsapp though is definitely something to watch. When it is used sensibly it's great, but it can be misused. Cyber bullying though isn't just limited to Whatsapp and needs to looked for and talked about.