AIBU to ask what I should know before giving my 10 year old her first phone?

[BadMotorFinger]

My 10 year old is getting her first mobile phone for Christmas (aka my old iPhone).

I think she mainly plans to use it to WhatsApp her friends. I’ve already said to her that’s she’s not allowed Instagram, TikTok or other social media until she’s older. And that I’ll be taking the phone from her overnight, eg from 8pm-8am.

But I’ve got a nagging feeling there’s loads of other stuff I should be aware of and just haven’t thought about! And so, wise mumsnetters, what else do I need to do?

Are there any practical measures, eg apps, safety features I should be aware of? And in a general sense is there any advice you’d give r.e kids and phones? For one thing I’m painfully aware both me and my husband need to get better at modelling sensible mobile phone usage.

So, with the benefit of hindsight what do you wish you knew before your child got their first phone?

[tootyfruitypickle]

OP MN is a bit bonkers about mobiles

I and everyone I know gave phones with WhatsApp in Y6. TikTok in y7. Mine is y9 and doesn't have Instagram or Snapchat still and fine with that . TikTok has been good she follows booktok and it's really encouraged her reading massively .

Have had absolutely no problems

She uses it for music and also history podcasts while in the bath

[tootyfruitypickle]

Also as pp use family sharing and restrict content and also how long she is on it depending how much she is annoying me with her usage !

[VincentIsLost]

That was a very interesting post @Squidlydoo thank you for taking the time to post it.

I'm a teacher (primary) and the amount of time we have to spend sorting out issues that have arisen because if messaging is phenomenal.

I'm also constantly flabbergasted by the parents lack of knowledge about the apps, games and social media that their children are using. Parents are comfortable using Facebook and WhatsApp because of that think that they are all up to date with how their dc are using technology.

There are just so many things that can go wrong that I would hardly know where to begin. A big issue with girls in our school is when a group of girls will message a different girl and try to make them say something mean about someone else. Which is then spread around within moments.

[JustLikeaJingleBell]

Get her to disable airdrop so she doesn't get unsolicited dick picks from randoms

[GrazingSheep]

OP MN is a bit bonkers about mobiles

I think it’s more that some people have more concern about their child’s online safety than others.

[Guttedbuyer]

I think you’ll regret it

[tootyfruitypickle]

I have as much concern as anyone else.

For me, education and discussion is much safer than point blank refusal . My parents were very strict and I went nuts at 14 and was lucky nothing bad happened .

So I am looking after my dd and keeping her safe by communicating and educating.

[QuillBill]

OP MN is a bit bonkers about mobiles

I and everyone I know gave phones with WhatsApp in Y6. TikTok in y7

Right, but the OP's dd is nine so she's not in year six.

[Forgetaboutme]

Maybe its different where I am but its perfectly normal here for ten year olds to have phones. I would say 8 is the norm but I waited until my kids were ten.

Keep her off tiktok and snapchat and other social media. Put child locks on online content. Make sure you check her phone regularly. At that age my kids treated their phones like their tablets and mostly used it for games. I mainly wanted them to have phones because they were starting to go further and further with friends when out and it gave me peace of mind.

[tootyfruitypickle]

She's nearly 14 and way way much more mature and sensible than I was and that is because of how I have raised her .

[QueenJeanie]

@VincentIsLost

That was a very interesting post *@Squidlydoo* thank you for taking the time to post it.

I'm a teacher (primary) and the amount of time we have to spend sorting out issues that have arisen because if messaging is phenomenal.

I'm also constantly flabbergasted by the parents lack of knowledge about the apps, games and social media that their children are using. Parents are comfortable using Facebook and WhatsApp because of that think that they are all up to date with how their dc are using technology.

There are just so many things that can go wrong that I would hardly know where to begin. A big issue with girls in our school is when a group of girls will message a different girl and try to make them say something mean about someone else. Which is then spread around within moments.

I agree with so much of what you've said

The number of parents who just don't realise what a bin fire mobile phone and SM usage can be for young children and then expect school to sort it out

[RantyAunty]

Be prepared for her to be abused, bullied, harassed, sent pornography, targeted by predators, anxiety about appearance and FOMO.

[BadMotorFinger]

Wow, lots of responses! Thank you - I’m definitely going to take alot of the advice here. @CrumblyCrimble I met well use that charter verbatim. And I’ll set many of the parental controls posters have mentioned.

I’m very happy for those of you who live in a world where no one would dream of getting a phone for their child until they’re 13 or whenever. It must be lovely for you. In my world though at least 50% of her class had phones by start of Year 6, and pretty much the rest are getting them at some point throughout the year in preparation for secondary school in Sept. But rest assured, my daughter also has plenty of Lego - it’s really not an either/or!

[itwasntaparty]

Dts also ten, y6, have old iPhones linked to my account. I check their messages every couple of days. They use it mainly for roblox, WhatsApp and looking at horse stuff. They don't have Instagram or Facebook but have access to my TikTok which is fully restricted.

They can have them after homework during the week until 6pm. Nothing in the morning before school. At the weekends they get more time but still off after dinner, and they are out for a good few hours every Saturday and Sunday at the stables so I don't mind so much. They don't have a switch or any other console.

[ILoveHuskies]

That you will pretty much wave goodbye to your kid as she'll prefer being on her phone to any sort of interaction with you or the family. Yes you can limit time on it of course but that will make you very unpopular.

Harsh but true !!

[BadMotorFinger]

@Squidlydoo Thanks for your post. It’s really interesting, and I want to go into this next parenting stage with my eyes wide open.

[JustLikeaJingleBell]

Also remember this

No matter how close you are to your DD they will always have secrets and hold things back from you

Mine didn't tell me a boy had been pestering her for naked photos. Which she refused to send even though she was then bullied by him at school. Others were caught out and did send them.
Luckily because of Sarah Everard and the crescendo of the Me Too movement he and others were eventually punished but before that the 12 year old girls were told 'boys will be boys' and it would have carried on.

[MySaladDaysAreGone]

F!

[JustLikeaJingleBell]

RIP Sarah Everard


I don't want my post to sound disrespectful to her in any way

[cruffin]

This is depressing. I have a young baby girl and social media terrifies me.

[Sometimeswinning]

I think it’s more that some people have more concern about their child’s online safety than others.

Nope. Definitely not that. Mines, that my son can walk home from school and I can track him or he can ring me. That's real life safety. Plus his friends think he's really cool. (Please note, that's a joke)

[lesenfantsdelesperance]

@BadMotorFinger

Wow, lots of responses! Thank you - I’m definitely going to take alot of the advice here. *@CrumblyCrimble* I met well use that charter verbatim. And I’ll set many of the parental controls posters have mentioned.

I’m very happy for those of you who live in a world where no one would dream of getting a phone for their child until they’re 13 or whenever. It must be lovely for you. In my world though at least 50% of her class had phones by start of Year 6, and pretty much the rest are getting them at some point throughout the year in preparation for secondary school in Sept. But rest assured, my daughter also has plenty of Lego - it’s really not an either/or!

It really is lovely, and I don't mean that sarcastically. I don't live in the UK though, and where I live kids get to be kids for longer, IMO.

That aside, I would take the approach that it is not her phone. It's a phone she is using. You trust her, but you don't trust everybody else, so you are going to check it from time to time.

[pastypirate]

Dd2 had a phone from 8 - with a tiny contract sim only. She only wants it to play games on. Both my dds have to accept I will check their phones when I please and they live downstairs in the evening.

Dd1 (12) issued her phone really responsibly and I hardly check it her content is v tame.

Dd2 uses it to play colouring games but her bestie is getting a hand me down phone for Xmas and I fully expect them to face time for hours every day. Virtual friend contact got dd2 through lock down it was a life line.

[MeMumI]

My children got phones at about 10, as they were left at hobbies for long hours and needed to contact me.

We introduced clear rules, but they worked for us.

• my DC were given a second hand phone at first, only when they could look after it for 2 years without smashing, would they be allowed to have their own phones.

• The numbers of friends and contacts were put into their phones, they could not accept other calls.

• set up family sharing on apps, so I approve all apps they download. Also set up find my iPhone

• phones handed in of an evening. Not taken into bedrooms (they're older so do now)

• I had the phone of an evening and reserve the right to check it regularly. When they were little, I checked a lot as I found sometimes the tone in what they said wasn't always right, But as they got older, I stopped doing this so much, after they showed themselves to be sensible. My youngest (15) only just changed her passcode the other day, and voluntarily told me her new code. These days I don't check unless I have reason to, but I will if needed.

• when My DC got Instagram it was loaded onto my phone too. This meant any messages on my DCs phone also came up as a notification on my phone too. So I always knew what was being said and done. As they got older, I turned off notifications, then logged out of their account, but could log in at any time. Meanwhile DDs friends were using it behind their parents' backs. I found DD often came to me for advice and support with their phones. In fact, sometimes still do.

• leave Snapchat until the last. It's the one you have least control over. That was the one I really didn't let them have until they were 13+

I've found that by letting my children having their phones earlier, but with strict rulers, I was in fact able to be stricter for longer... but maybe I've been lucky in that this strategy has worked for me because I have two sensible teens.

[pastypirate]

@ILoveHuskies

That you will pretty much wave goodbye to your kid as she'll prefer being on her phone to any sort of interaction with you or the family. Yes you can limit time on it of course but that will make you very unpopular.

Harsh but true !!

Rubbish. Dd2 is snuggled up with me watching strictly, she spent the day playing with play doh and water balloons.