AIBU to ask what I should know before giving my 10 year old her first phone?

[BadMotorFinger]

My 10 year old is getting her first mobile phone for Christmas (aka my old iPhone).

I think she mainly plans to use it to WhatsApp her friends. I’ve already said to her that’s she’s not allowed Instagram, TikTok or other social media until she’s older. And that I’ll be taking the phone from her overnight, eg from 8pm-8am.

But I’ve got a nagging feeling there’s loads of other stuff I should be aware of and just haven’t thought about! And so, wise mumsnetters, what else do I need to do?

Are there any practical measures, eg apps, safety features I should be aware of? And in a general sense is there any advice you’d give r.e kids and phones? For one thing I’m painfully aware both me and my husband need to get better at modelling sensible mobile phone usage.

So, with the benefit of hindsight what do you wish you knew before your child got their first phone?

[waterrat]

OK forgive me I haven't rtft. Got 4 pages in and nobody mentioned porn..hahaha. please OP. The main thing you need to know is once you child has a phone and their friends have phones they have access to extreme and hard-core pornography.

This is very very serious and please as a parent understand that this will be everywhere where there is a mobile phone. Thr first thing yoi need to do is look at porn yourself see what your kids are sharing what they are seeing. If you don't want to look you are letting them down. Don't leave them to navigate this on their own.

Once you have looked at porn on all the mainstream sites and know what they will be seeing. Go and speak to your kid and explain that porn is extremely harmful and they need to avoid it. Don't shame them fir being interested but explain its not how people really have sex

If you don't want your 10 year old seeing porn. Don't give them a phone.

[ForcedOut123]

Ask people if you can post a picture with them in first but ideally tell her never to post pictures with anyone in, including herself. WhatsApp is terrible for this and makes everyone feel shit when they post they’re all at a party together and your kid isn’t because you’re following COVID rules or they’re anti-vaccine or whatever.

[Marvellousmadness]

I understand that you have bowed to the pressure of society, but keep in mind that she will now be able to receive porn and dickpicks. And have older boys send her invites etc... im not sure if an 11 yo brain is wired enough for a smart phone

There are phone out there with just text /messenger. That might limit some damage perhaps? I dunnow

[Oblomov21]

"I agree that 10 is much too young. 13 for a smartphone at the very least, surely? "

Eh? Don't most have a phone in at least year 6, final year of primary, in preparation for secondary.

Or is it the smartphone you object to. But even the non smartphones alternatives are so good, so like them, there is minimal difference.

[MrsHookey]

@Marchingredsoldiers

Some self-righteous posts on here about not letting a 10 year old have a phone.

I thought the same until my 9 year old broke down crying because all her friends had one and she was left out. She was the last but one in her class to get one.

I hate that she has one. I hate myself for being addicted to mine. But this is the world we live in. In the country i live in, i need to have my phone more than my purse. I literally can't take public transport without it. I need it to access government services and internet banking. I increasingly use it instead of money.

The genie is out of the bottle. I would like tips on teaching my daughter to use it safely (as possible).

The BBC have an app called "Own it" for helping youngsters manage their phone use.

[VorsprungDurchZusammenarbeit]

I wouldn’t do it. Try to hold off for another couple of years.

[newname12345]

@Oblomov21

"I agree that 10 is much too young. 13 for a smartphone at the very least, surely? "

Eh? Don't most have a phone in at least year 6, final year of primary, in preparation for secondary.

Or is it the smartphone you object to. But even the non smartphones alternatives are so good, so like them, there is minimal difference.

That seemed to be the case as DS's schools. In Yr6 as some were walking in on their own they were allowed mobile phones, though they weren't allowed them during the day.

Lots of talk on here about the negatives, but for me being able to turn on phone tracking means I can track DS's walk home. Made his first walks home alone from primary less worrying. Even more useful now DS is at high school which is a longer journey and he sometimes makes stops (cafe/shops).

[finallyme2018]

One big rule I have for my son phone, is that he checks with me before giving his number to people, he is Asd so can be too trusting but also I made it known to him and the people he has shared his number with. If they add him to group chats with people who don't already have his number then they get blocked as well. I would go mad if one of my friends shared my number with a group of people I don't know. Yet kids do it all the time. My son understands why I have this rule and his friends have learnt a lesson that its really rude to add people to groups or share someone number without their permission. He also knows i check his messages to one make sure he is behaving but also to make sure he isn't receiving any uncomfortable messages. The big big rule I have is he can talk to me about anything on his phone that's worrying him and I promise I won't get angry, i will help him deal with whatever has happened. So far he has come to me about a few things that's happened an it's been sorted. We also have a word he can say that tells me somethings going on and I can then ring him or make excuse to get him out of wherever he is.

[Snuggles81]

@beastlyslumber

we are a Samsung family

Somewhat off-topic but this is one of the more chilling things I've read on here. Family branding. How dystopian.

Not sure what's so chilling about my comment. All it means is I have no idea how an iPhone works as everyone in my house hold has a Samsung (so a Samsung family/household/people who prefer samsung). No underlining meaning or hidden agendas. Just never purchased apple technologies!!! What's the problem with that? If one of our children decided to go down the apple route that isn't a problem!!

[danishkids]

My daughter is 8 (almost 9) and has had er phone for a year.

We have the serting on so she Can only download apps if we put in a code for her or say yes to her request on our phone.

She had a 1 hour time limit for almost all the apps on her phone, so she doesn’t use it all
Day. (1 hour goes fast, an episode and 20 minutes on a game/ video call)

She only had the numbers of family and a few friends from school

No social
Media

We can check her phone at any time. Also check what your daughter is watching on YouTube, random
Things can pop up
Even on kids YouTube.

Hope she likes her phone. Our daughter loves hers but it doesn’t take away from playing or learning due to the time limit. Often she uses her phone to find diy ideas :)

[mynamesnotMa]

I wish I'd handed them a crack pipe instead. Come back in a year and let us know.
Mine learnt early how to overcome all controls they are like a swot team.

[SunscreenCentral]

I'd not be giving a smartphone to a ten year old child end of story. Sorry.

Ours were both 13+. They'll have phones and alll the shit that goes with them for the rest of their natural lives ffs

[waterrat]

For those who say they need to track a child walking home. Can I ask why ? I don't do this and I never would. Children have walked home for years without being monitored and tracked.

The phone and Internet access itself is more if a danger. In fact I'd worry more the phone would distract them crossing a road.

[newname12345]

@waterrat When DS started walking home from primary school on his own he didn't use his phone - it was in his bag. Cars were though definitely the issue (the amount driving and parked on every pavement), something that never used to be an issue years ago when the majority of children walked to primary school.

When I say "track his journey home" I don't mean I watch the map every step of the way. I might have done it for the first couple of walks, now I might check where he is if I notice the time and think he's a bit late. Is it wrong to be able to check though where your pre-teen child is? I agree years ago we couldn't but then it was a safer world or at least one which we thought was safer.

[Dolphinnoises]

Make a condition of owning the phone that you have the pin and make sure she understands that you will be checking it, without notice, regularly, including any WhatsApp chats

[Jackofallsorts]

If you believe a "charter" or "contract" is required between you and your child for anything but especially a electronic device that you're apprehensive about, I'd think again before buying it for the child.

[BadMotorFinger]

@Jackofallsorts

If you believe a "charter" or "contract" is required between you and your child for anything but especially a electronic device that you're apprehensive about, I'd think again before buying it for the child.

Not at all - I wouldn’t have given her a phone if I didn’t think she was ready for it. What I did find useful was using the charter that someone posted as a basis for a conversation with her. Much of it was stuff I already knew I’d do - like letting her know I’d have her PIN and check her phone daily, phone to be given to me at a certain time each evening. Other points on the charter were useful starting points for a conversation eg what to do if a friend posts something you’re not comfortable with.

Anyway, she now has the phone and has mainly been playing word puzzle games and sending cat photos to her friends.

[purpleboy]

Have to agree with a pp who said if you all stopped giving in to your kids demands and giving them smartphones at such a young age this wouldn't be an issue.
You are the parents, parent your kids! Interestingly the parents who don't allow their kids to have phones at such ridiculously young ages, are the parents who work with young kids and see firsthand the damage mobile phone cause.
I could relay many horror stories from kids having phones, seriously step up and protect your kids.

[time2tork]

My daughter is 9 and has had a phone for a while.

The best thing you can do to keep your child safe is monitor their devices.

1. Have WhatsApp installed on a desktop/laptop so you can see conversations as they happen on your child's phone.

1. Have a Google account on your own phone that's the same as hers so you can track search history

1. Have the same YouTube account on your own phone so you can track searches.

1. Roblox is very popular, your child will definitely want to get involved and like mine, get very excited about getting ROBUX (which is used as a treat in our house to keep the kids in check!!)

1. Make sure on the Roblox that settings are set so they can't speak to others.

1. If your child has added friends, go through every friend and make sure they know exactly who is who - (my daughter has 5 friends and they are all from school). You can also add roblox to your phone and sign in on your child's account to have it on your phone.

1. Don't let your child know TOO much that you are monitoring them or they will get into the habit of quickly and I mean very quickly (at the speed of lightening) delete anything they were doing on their phone before handing it to you..

Which is why I use a separate device with my daughters iCloud, YouTube, Google search accounts etc so I can see everything.

I also only let my children have their phones for an hour or two in evenings after school (depending on homework), I am generous at weekends up until bed time.

[MondayYogurt]

You know I'm just going to add that starting regular eye tests is worth it once personal device use really kicks in.

onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/cxo.13092?af=R

[snackodactyl]

Set up iTunes family where she has her own account. Apple applies restrictions by default until she is 13 but you can also approve/deny app requests. You can also keep track of her phone location (in case she loses it, not just track her movements which you know, use your common sense). Our new fibre internet comes with an app that has let me block YouTube, TikTok and all the other social apps. Sounds very limiting but it helps my DC have a healthy balance of gadgets and non-gadget time.

[Shedmistress]

The best thing you can do to keep your child safe is monitor their devices.

No the best thing would be to stop giving them phones where they can access the whole of the cess pool that is the internet.

[time2tork]

@Shedmistress I understand what you're saying.

The internet and technology is there to stay, it's the now and it's the future.

If anything, allowing them to navigate technology earlier on is advancing them for the world as it is today.

In the exact same way we teach them he dangers of strangers, roads, fires, animals etc.

And while they are young they CAN be monitored - it's called parenting.