AIBU to ask what I should know before giving my 10 year old her first phone?

[BadMotorFinger]

My 10 year old is getting her first mobile phone for Christmas (aka my old iPhone).

I think she mainly plans to use it to WhatsApp her friends. I’ve already said to her that’s she’s not allowed Instagram, TikTok or other social media until she’s older. And that I’ll be taking the phone from her overnight, eg from 8pm-8am.

But I’ve got a nagging feeling there’s loads of other stuff I should be aware of and just haven’t thought about! And so, wise mumsnetters, what else do I need to do?

Are there any practical measures, eg apps, safety features I should be aware of? And in a general sense is there any advice you’d give r.e kids and phones? For one thing I’m painfully aware both me and my husband need to get better at modelling sensible mobile phone usage.

So, with the benefit of hindsight what do you wish you knew before your child got their first phone?

[nickyschof]

At the age of 10, my dc were getting buses to school, and I had a few occasions where the buses didn't turn up, or even that the bus had broken down. When I was a kid, there were plenty of phone boxes around, but not now. Phones are vital when they are more independent.

[BadMotorFinger]

Thank you again to everyone for all the advice. Yes, she’s 10 (and a half!), turning 11 in June, and starting secondary school in Sept.

My thinking was to use the last few months of primary school to introduce her to having a phone, at a time when I know her group of school friends - who will be the people she messages - well, and before the teenage hormones and “my parents know fuck-all!” attitudes creep in. Personally I think starting secondary school and getting a phone at the same time, and trying to navigate new friendships all at once would be too overwhelming.

The upshot is that she is going to get a heavily locked down phone, with very few apps (mainly games), plus lots of screen controls etc. I’ve already made it clear to her there’s to be no social media and that I can and will check her phone at any time.

I’m thinking we might initially just go for regular text messaging rather than WhatsApp after reading some of the experiences on here.

Really good points here, both practical and more general, which is what I was hoping for. Thank you!

[Hemingwayscatz]

@KewMummy87

10 is way too young. Smart phones are designed to be addictive. That’s why you can’t get off yours. 13 is the absolutely youngest I’d even consider it for my children.

This is silly. Surely they make their own way to school once they start secondary and therefore a phone is a basic safety measure? My DS got one as soon as he started secondary anyway, he needs it for his bus pass if nothing else.

[Twitchyeye]

@QueenJeanie is right, don’t let her have an app she is too young to have. For WhatsApp in the UK you should be 16+ to have an account.

[theDudesmummy]

Famisafe is good for monitoring WhatsApp messages and YouTube viewing in real time, among other things. And you can block whole YouTube channels instantly.

[Squidthing]

We're getting one for my DD who has just turned 11. I was always a bit judgey when she was younger about the phones but over the summer have been trying to encourage independence and had a couple of alarming experiences when I'd let her go off during a local festival in a park and then she would spend 30 mins dawdling round out of sight while I panicked. I want to be able to check up quickly rather than running around a field. (She was fine but she is a day dreamer with no sense of time). My DH was still a bit against it but I took matters into my own hands as I figured she'll need one for secondary school anyway.

[Fucket]

You know if more parents didnt give in to the peer pressure argument then more of our children wouldn’t be getting smart phones at aged 10. The parents I know who are very strict on smartphones all work with teenagers either in schools or with the police or other agencies. We know what goes on.

I have noticed on SM class messaging, when parents ask if any other kids are on WhatsApp etc a lot of parents remain silent. I now am honest enough to say, no we don’t allow kids SM or online gaming. If that shows one other parent in the group that their child will not be the ‘only one without a phone’, then I don’t care if that means others think of me as a strict out of touch parent. I suspect a lot of parents give in when they don’t want to really.

I grew up with unfettered access to the internet, I suspect as more and more younger generations start having children of their own there’s going to be a pushback on this very liberal attitude to porn and SM for children.

[Swimminginmud]

No social media at all. I wouldn’t even bother with WhatsApp. The amount of letters we got sent home from school in yr 5 and 6 reminding parents of the age recommendation for that app and how much time is wasted sorting out disputes between children and sometimes their parents was enough to put me off letting mine have a phone until secondary school.
My girls used to crochet, enjoy walks, paint stones, watch films and now they just sit and stare at their phones. Could just be the age but it is depressingly boring.
Also, get family link. It was so helpful managing screen time.

[Swimminginmud]

Also just want to mention that the mental health implications with social media are very real and in some way all teens are affected.
Just give your child that little bit of extra time to be free from it. They don’t need to stay connected to their peers 24/7 at that age. Enjoy these last couple of years without that influence while you can. They will not be missing out as much as you or they think they are.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The upshot is that she is going to get a heavily locked down phone, with very few apps (mainly games), plus lots of screen controls etc. I’ve already made it clear to her there’s to be no social media and that I can and will check her phone at any time

You sound very sensible OP, but do be aware of peer pressure and the point that, once she's got the phone, it can easily become "everyone else has got such-and-such a feature so why can't I?"

It appears you're one of those parents who'll cope with this well, but don't imagine it'll always be easy

[beastlyslumber]

we are a Samsung family

Somewhat off-topic but this is one of the more chilling things I've read on here. Family branding. How dystopian.

[RantyAunty]

Phones and children a good example of why laws are initially enacted, as the general public doesn't have good sense.

In the 1820s 60% of 10 year olds and 30% of 8 year olds worked. Sometimes 12 hours a day.

When cars came out, there were no rules, licenses, age limits. Old vintage photos show children driving cars they could barely reach the pedals.

At some point, some smart people got together and and changed they way things were done.

My point is just because it can be done, there are no laws against it and all the other kids are doing it, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

I don't know how kids managed a 15 minute walk to school without a phone on them?!

If a parent/adult can't resist peer pressure I don't know how you expect a 10-15 year old to do it.

[Omicrone]

@beastlyslumber

we are a Samsung family

Somewhat off-topic but this is one of the more chilling things I've read on here. Family branding. How dystopian.

Bit dramatic, its casual a turn of phrase to indicate that everyone in the family has a Samsung phone/tablet. Hardly 'chilling'.

[mogkat]

I've only got a 4yo but this all terrifies me for the future

[liveforsummer]

@beastlyslumber

we are a Samsung family

Somewhat off-topic but this is one of the more chilling things I've read on here. Family branding. How dystopian.

Dramatic 😆

[beastlyslumber]

Dramatic? Probably. But I'm also conscious of how far that kind of thinking can go. If you're a Samsung family, does that mean your children are Samsung children? Wonder what that would be like. A potential social credit system could have us align our families to corporations rather than nations. What would that mean for us? I mean, I'm just thinking a few steps ahead. Not that those steps are inevitable, but they're certainly possible. We certainly ought to be considering the worst outcomes, because otherwise how do we ensure that we don't end up there by accident?

If we continue to stunt childrens' neurological, cognitive, emotional and social development with addictive technology, and traumatise them with porn and violence, all while aligning ourselves with the brands that produce these technologies, I feel like things could go potentially go very, very wrong. I just don't want to sleepwalk into dystopia.

[BigGreen]

There's no way I'd get my kid a smartphone at 10. In my family there have been so many problems- one kid creating suicide-related content on TikTok, another getting trapped into an intense relationship with a suicidal friend that she kept secret. It's just too much, too young.

[FrancescaContini]

Don’t.

She’s too young.

[Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin]

@beastlyslumber

we are a Samsung family

Somewhat off-topic but this is one of the more chilling things I've read on here. Family branding. How dystopian.

Chilling? Really?
My dh and l have Samsungs rather than Apple products too....just means we like their products more.
Hardly chilling!

[Insertfunnyname]

@Aquamarine1029

10 is far, far too young. You are bringing untold horrible influences into her life for no reason whatsoever, and by your own admission, you don't even have the skill set to properly monitor her activity. She is a little girl for such a short amount of time, what's the rush?

Agree with this completely.

[MondayYogurt]

Worth having a read of some of the articles here www.screenfreeparenting.com/category/tech-wise-parenting-articles/

Fortunately there's a lot more research being conducted on the effects of personal device screen time (as opposed to a shared family device like a TV) on children now, which is long overdue.

[Blossom64265]

Use the parental restrictions that require approval for app downloads

Use the parental restrictions for downtime

Require that the phone be charged in your bedroom or in a common room in the house at night. Don’t let it stay in her room at night at 10. Eventually it will migrate to her room, but that takes time and trust.

Don’t just require that you be her friend on all accounts, require her usernames and passwords.

Make it clear that you are checking her phone periodically and that nothing she does on her phone is private. This may seem invasive at first, but it emphasizes the reality that nothing we do on our phones is truly private.

Establish rules that if she tells you about bad behavior of others, she will not face restrictions. This is a hard one because what you want to do when you find out that some other people are doing bad things is stop your kid from going to the place that those things happen. The catch is that just means your kid won’t tell you next time that someone in their school chat posted something inappropriate or that someone found a way around the really robust child protection filters in the game you better that should have been ridiculously benign and is now posting things that need to be reported. So you keep the channels of communication open.

The same is true if she ends up viewing content she realizes might not have been the best idea. It’s never been porn or anything, just things that aren’t entirely age appropriate. If she comes and tells me about it, we don’t have a problem. We talk about how she ended up there, what choices she needs to make, etc. it’s only happened a few times, but it does happen. If I find it in her history myself, then her phone use gets restricted. That only had to happen once because she was miserable.

Have frequent conversations about how the internet is forever and that kids are being placed in a very difficult position today. In previous generations, we could make mistakes and not risk having those mistakes follow is for a lifetime. Explain that she doesn’t want to have it show up in a search when she is 50 that when got into a spat in WhatsApp with a school friend and this is why you are going to be monitoring her phone use so closely because it is so important that she learns to use it properly.

[xxreeldancerxx]

parentshield.co.uk/

Have a look at this ... although I've no personal experience as we're not quite at that stage yet,lots of my friends have recommended this x

[NeedAHoliday2021]

Dd1 is almost 14 so we’ve had a steep learning curve. She still doesn’t have social media other than WhatsApp. Lots of conversations and honesty from me re my concerns and her personality. She’s decided to stay away for now but it’s her choice.

We have no phones upstairs at all (I don’t watch over the here shoulder but feel she’d be less likely to go down a rabbit hole if she’s on it around us). She got hers at 11 for secondary but her younger twin sisters are getting them age 10 - really puzzled why so many say this is too young when every dc in my older dc class in year 7 had a phone. Dtds will get theirs age 10 as they will start secondary 3 days after turning 11!

We initially checked DD’s messages nightly (not to judge but to support us in knowing how we needed to guide her). She’s proven trustworthy so now it’s just occasional. I also say, don’t write anything you wouldn’t want your head teacher to see! No message is ever private.

We’ve had Dd1 be sent a suicide note from a friend in first lockdown, racism on the class WhatsApp, hard core porn. Dd has been amazing and we’ve dealt with it together with her being open and honest. It’s brought us closer and enabled her to keep in touch with cousins across the globe.

[NeedAHoliday2021]

Oh and a downstairs docking station for their phones.