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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so hurt by ex and presents?

148 replies

PicaK · 22/12/2021 13:13

I should be the bigger party but I'm really hurt by ex.

Together 20 years - before kids he was thoughtless and generic with gifts (supermarket chocolates at the last minute). With kids he couldn't even do that as I was sahm and expected to do everything. He'd condescend to wrap presents for me if I bought them and left out scissors sellotape, gift wrap etc. Sometimes...
He left 2 years ago.
I've just had delivered here an incredibly sweet, thoughtful gift for his new girlfriend - I know it references a long cherished dream of hers.

It's obviously a slip up when he ordered it from a small bespoke supplier. But I'm feeling devastated. Aibu to be hurt?

OP posts:
Hellocrumpets · 22/12/2021 13:15

Return to sender, then you’re not stealing it but it won’t arrive in time for Christmas and she’ll realise he’s a useless blob 😈

OneRuleForThem · 22/12/2021 13:15

Sure it was a slip up? Sounds on purpose to me

RealBecca · 22/12/2021 13:17

Voted yabu because it you split 2 years ago and people are allowed to learn from past mistakes.

Sorry you are upset though. And that you lost 20 years to someone who was never going to change for you x

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2021 13:20

Did you explain how hurtful his lack of thought was while you were together?

Are you going to tell him the gift has arrived?

RobinHumphries · 22/12/2021 13:21

Whose name was on the packaging?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 22/12/2021 13:21

I voted YABU because you are still giving him headspace.

Text him, let him know it has arrived and congratulate him on having learned how to show someone he loves them!

IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2021 13:22

Maybe it took losing you for him to realise he was utter garbage.

Does he know you have it?

IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2021 13:23

Alternatively, maybe she told him exactly what to buy

QuestionNumberOne · 22/12/2021 13:24

Shame it got lost in the post, isn’t it?

IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2021 13:25

Actually, after a second engaging my brain I don't think it was an accident. He knows he doesn't live with you and hasn't for 2 years. He would have had to enter your address.

LondonLife3 · 22/12/2021 13:25

Sad I understand why your hurt! My DP used to make effort for his long term ex’s gifts. I know I will be lucky at a card… sometimes I look at the pictures she posted of all the lovely gifts. It’s not that I even want anything expensive just little effort

ProudThrilledHappy · 22/12/2021 13:28

I cant work out how he has entered your address by mistake after 2 years so I have to also agree this is suspect, trying to wind you up maybe? Or are you always home and it hasn’t occurred to him that its insensitive to use you as a parcel drop point for this item?

Offmyfence · 22/12/2021 13:32

Return to sender, feign ignorance!

happychristmasbum · 22/12/2021 13:34

Absolutely return to sender - do it now before he asks for it.

Fucker!

DelphiniumBlue · 22/12/2021 13:34

How do you know what it is?
Anyway, it's not necessarily him being horrible to you, I've heard of a few incidents recently where an online company has reverted to an old address for no reason - in fact my son was telling me about this last night! When he phoned the company they said they had no record of the old address and that the only address showing for him on the account was the new address, but they still managed to send it to the old address. Blips happen. Or maybe he's just a careless git.

Original poster
PicaK · 22/12/2021 13:34

I rang the small company. They use ebay. He won't have changed his address. I had to cajole prompt remind every month and he finally changed the address on his bank account this summer.
He still expects me to keep and pass on his various magazine subscriptions.
You're right - he's a lazy arse and he a controller. He wouldn't even do his own work expenses but gave them to me to do and when I was overwhelmed by the scale of our adopted daughter's needs and struggled with exhaustion and depression and I begged him to help with those and the Xmas prep he wouldn't. We had to borrow money to pay credit cards cos he was too lazy to claim.
Apparently someone in the office helps him with them now in her free time. And he is capable of buying gifts.
I gave up a career for this selfish bastard who let me sink into misery.

OP posts:
Bucanarab · 22/12/2021 13:35

Shame it got lost in the post, isn’t it?

What if it was sent by recorded/tracked delivery or intentionally to that address by the ex? He might have done it to wind OP up or more likely to avoid his current partner seeing it ( we already know he is inconsiderate of/blind to the OPs feeling so it probably didn't even cross his little mind that this would be hurtful), either way the OP pretending it's not been delivered will only reflect badly on her.

I'd just let him know it's here and tell him to collect it when he's next due to see the kids (if that's not before Xmas day tough shit, you are "too busy" to be inconvenienced by him now).

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 22/12/2021 13:36

@RealBecca

Voted yabu because it you split 2 years ago and people are allowed to learn from past mistakes.

Sorry you are upset though. And that you lost 20 years to someone who was never going to change for you x

I agree with this. I don't think you're unreasonable to feel upset though. I'm sorry you didn't believe in yourself and realise you deserve more during those 20 years. It's really sad that you felt you couldn't find someone better and felt that you had to keep putting up with it. That's done now, I hope you meet someone thoughtful and caring (if you do want another relationship of course).

Distract yourself and focus on having a nice festive time.

PaintYourDreams · 22/12/2021 13:36

How do you know that he chose it? Perhaps new girlfriend just told him to buy it? So no thought actually put into it anyway.

Oh, and I'd keep it unless and until he asks for it back then say oh sorry thought it was for me and I've already used it / gave it to charity as lovely thought but not really my sort of thing Wink

DelphiniumBlue · 22/12/2021 13:36

Cross-posted!
In that case, send it back to the supplier. You don't even have to say anything to him.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 22/12/2021 13:38

Don't worry, his 'nice, thoughtful' mask will slip over time with her also.

gabsdot45 · 22/12/2021 13:38

She might have ordered it herself. DH uses my PayPal

travellingturtle · 22/12/2021 13:39

Did he also put your name on it?

How do you know what's inside?

gamerchick · 22/12/2021 13:39

Be no way I'd hand it over just to get him to change his sodden address. Send it back, tell them he doesnt live there and if he asks, tell him it's been returned to sender and to change his ruddy address.

Stade197 · 22/12/2021 13:40

I voted YABU because you shouldn't be letting this man bring you down anymore

Return parcel to sender, its his own fault he cant be bothered to change his address

Try not to get too down about it, you don't know that he has finally started to bother putting in effort now he is with someone else...she may have had to tell him what to buy or had to order it herself from his account just to get a gift from him