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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so hurt by ex and presents?

148 replies

PicaK · 22/12/2021 13:13

I should be the bigger party but I'm really hurt by ex.

Together 20 years - before kids he was thoughtless and generic with gifts (supermarket chocolates at the last minute). With kids he couldn't even do that as I was sahm and expected to do everything. He'd condescend to wrap presents for me if I bought them and left out scissors sellotape, gift wrap etc. Sometimes...
He left 2 years ago.
I've just had delivered here an incredibly sweet, thoughtful gift for his new girlfriend - I know it references a long cherished dream of hers.

It's obviously a slip up when he ordered it from a small bespoke supplier. But I'm feeling devastated. Aibu to be hurt?

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/12/2021 15:03

Like hell would i be chasing him...
Returb to sender.

PoshPyjamas · 22/12/2021 15:05

Piss on it.

Kotatsu · 22/12/2021 15:06

So interfering with post is bad, but I wouldn't be making any effort either - I would at least wait for him to ask and then tell him it won't be happening again - he could just set up a redirect in 10 mins if updating all the subscriptions is such a hardship - just like I did for me and the kids (but not ex, because screw him) when we moved.

rifling · 22/12/2021 15:09

Maybe he wants you to wrap it?

Seriously, OP, I really understand how hurt you feel but remember that she probably doesn't realise what he's really like yet. You had a lucky escape!

Diana8 · 22/12/2021 15:09

@Notwithittoday

This is what happens when you’re not the dream woman. You need a man who thinks you’re amazing enough to really put thought and effort into the gifts. Women too often put up with shoddy, low effort behaviours in relationships when really it’s your cue to run for her hills and leave room to meet someone else. Of course it’s hurtful but take it as a lesson. I would give the gift to charity and claim you never got it
I have to agree. But I would not give the parcel away - it is not hers to dispose of.
mumda · 22/12/2021 15:11

What do you want to happen?#

You could ring him up and gush how much this lovely present means to you after such a long time.
And then berate him for being a clown with your address.

Or send it back to the company.

Or ring him and tell him it needs collecting.

Lovemusic33 · 22/12/2021 15:12

Not worth getting upset over. Be happy that someone else now has to put up with him and not you, she probably chose the gift herself or dropped loads of hints. My ex buys nice gifts for his new partner too but I get the best gift of all…..not having to spend Christmas with a c*&t 😄.

Hemingwayscatz · 22/12/2021 15:15

I wouldn’t give him any of the shit he still has sent to yours, including this gift. Send everything back to sender and ignore the useless twat.

Libertynan · 22/12/2021 15:16

Chances are the girlfriend sent him a link to the item - all he had to do was click and pay. No effort involved from him.

Ultimately though I'd give it to them. Be the bigger person.

the best revenge is to move on - don't let someone see they've hurt you.

CheshireKitten123 · 22/12/2021 15:18

@Cocomarine

Haven’t you seen the thread on here about who has to tell their husband what they want for Xmas?

One of three things has happened here:

  1. She’s sent him a link
  2. He’s put some effort in because it’s a new relationship but he’ll soon revert to type
  3. He has grown as a person, and changed

Which of those do you really think has happened? (Hint: it’s not number 3)

Neither 1 or 2 are something to be jealous of or hurt by!

When exH was first cheating with OW she got a gold chain and matching earrings for Xmas. ( I got a tacky bracelet and a pot dog ornament)

I heard that for the following Christmas, after they moved in together, he bought her a washing machine. Shock

Leopards and spots OP Grin

Hankunamatata · 22/12/2021 15:18

Reframe it. You didn't give up a career for him - you are were raising wonderful kids. He doesnt do thoughtful presents - he got someone else to do that for him. He isnt worth your time or energy anymore.

CSJobseeker · 22/12/2021 15:23

@OneRuleForThem

Sure it was a slip up? Sounds on purpose to me
This.

How on earth could he possibly have entered your address on the order by accident?

Suzanne999 · 22/12/2021 15:25

Return to sender. Either you know nothing about it or tell him you returned it—- up to you. I’d do the same with anything that arrives for him. Lazy bastard.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 22/12/2021 15:28

When exH was first cheating with OW she got a gold chain and matching earrings for Xmas. ( I got a tacky bracelet and a pot dog ornament)

This reminds me of a heartbreaking article I read years ago, written by a wronged wife. She said that one of the most hurtful things of all was the discovery that her husband's Christmas gift to the OW was an expensive piece of jewellery, whilst his gift to her was a new breadbin for the kitchen.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 22/12/2021 15:29

If he asked for it specifically I might hand it over. I wouldn't be asking him, taking it over or bringing it to his attention. And I would be busy and not answering my phone if he suddenly started ringing on say Christmas Eve..

quietinhere · 22/12/2021 15:29

I get that it hurts, but it shouldn't if you just think about it logically.

He never made an effort with you because he knew he didn't need to because you did stuff for him. He took you for granted.

I agree with PP you are being unreasonable but only insofar as you allow him any headspace. Do what you will with that stupid bloody parcel and then put him and it entirely out of your thoughts.

RowsOfHolly · 22/12/2021 15:31

This is so hard.

So many men suddenly transform in a new relationship. I have seen men do U turns on ‘I will be never marry’ ‘I don’t want kids’ ‘I don’t do any housework’ ‘I never go on holiday’ etc etc.

They do anything in the first flush of middle aged Vitamin F.

The point is you are free of him now. You can know with pride that you have been a committed parent and given your adopted daughter what she needs. He is STILL the contemptible arsehole who left it all to you and then walked out.

Now is the time not to let him drag you down any more. Do stuff for you. Build yourself back up. You are STILL the woman who had the talent and capability for a high flying career , your life may be different but you still have that brain!

Do something to boost yourself up. Get fit, do a bit of freelance work, learn BSL, paint a room….

And do not take in any more of his damn post.

Be proud, OP!

AD80 · 22/12/2021 15:32

Return to sender. She won't be getting in time 😅

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/12/2021 15:32

He's not fucked up. He sent it there because it means he doesn't have to be in to accept delivery.

Shame it got stuck behind the sofa.

Essexmate · 22/12/2021 15:40

Tough love time. I voted YABU because after 20 years of being treated like shit, he’s gone and now you’re the one dragging yourself down. Fuck him, fuck her, fuck the gift. Stop doing unnecessary things for him/his benefit. Give up that head space and fill it with something else.

If this new gf was that important he’d have sent the gift to the correct place anyway…..

Triphazards · 22/12/2021 15:42

I'd have done nothing with the gift, until he or she asks about it.

carolsforxmas · 22/12/2021 15:43

I get how you are feeling, my ex contributed next to nothing to our family life yet seems to do all the cooking, school runs (not for his own kids) and childcare in his new marriage.

However, I also know that people don't generally change so along with that she is also likely to be getting blamed for every problem he ever has and a horrible atmosphere to live in.

Perhaps she is, perhaps she isn't, perhaps she doesn't mind. Whatever, he is your ex for a reason, just be glad he's not your problem any more, wish her the best of luck (she'll likely need it) and focus on you.

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 15:46

Return to sender.

She probably had to pick it herself anyway.

orinocosfavoritecake · 22/12/2021 15:47

It can’t be that thoughtful if he got it sent to the wrong address!

Wiredforsound · 22/12/2021 15:49

She might have a nice present, but she still has to put up with that arse of a man.