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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so hurt by ex and presents?

148 replies

PicaK · 22/12/2021 13:13

I should be the bigger party but I'm really hurt by ex.

Together 20 years - before kids he was thoughtless and generic with gifts (supermarket chocolates at the last minute). With kids he couldn't even do that as I was sahm and expected to do everything. He'd condescend to wrap presents for me if I bought them and left out scissors sellotape, gift wrap etc. Sometimes...
He left 2 years ago.
I've just had delivered here an incredibly sweet, thoughtful gift for his new girlfriend - I know it references a long cherished dream of hers.

It's obviously a slip up when he ordered it from a small bespoke supplier. But I'm feeling devastated. Aibu to be hurt?

OP posts:
JustLikeaJingleBell · 22/12/2021 14:10

Can you find out who actually ordered it?

I'd just bin it because I'm petty like that Grin or least put it away somewhere till they asked for it. I wouldn't mention that I had it.

Kotatsu · 22/12/2021 14:14

There's a lot of it about - the Christmas I ended it with my ex I later found the receipts that showed he'd sent the kids into Tiger to buy tat for me, and gone to Victorias Secret 10 minutes later (and presumably with my primary aged kids in tow) to buy something for the woman it turned out he was chasing and immediately abandoned us for...

Fucker.

I recently got a call from the delivery driver trying to deliver their new washer and hoover too - at least I know where he lives now I suppose..

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 22/12/2021 14:18

Just write return to sender, not known at this address on a label and stick it over your address and shove back in the post.

Then tell him you aren't a post office and refused the delivery as it wasn't for you.

Strawbz8988 · 22/12/2021 14:18

My ex boyfriend was also rubbish at gifts.. he used to grab something rubbish usually of amazon like unflattering pj's with sheep on or some naff bathbombs. I love alot of things that don't cost a fortune. Things below £30 like soap and glory. Perfume. Earrings. Flowers. But every year I got something abit rubbish. He could have got nice pj's from asda but nope. He just got the worst sized stuff too.

Anyway he's not even in a relationship now but he's got a female friend he's close to. He's bought her a salt lamp. Her favourite chocolates etc. Got her kids chocolates and sweets and somehow managed to wrap it himself. He's never bought anything for our kids himself.

tatfrombandm · 22/12/2021 14:19

It was sent to you, perhaps keep it for yourself

3peassuit · 22/12/2021 14:19

Send it ack to the supplier, not known at this address.

QuestionNumberOne · 22/12/2021 14:26

@Strawbz8988 What a loser, a great benefit to be free of him.

The female friend is being desperately courted. If she enters a relationship with him the gifts will magically become shit sheep pjs in time.

thefourgp · 22/12/2021 14:27

I agree with others. Stop forwarding him his mail. Return to sender. You’re no longer his servant.

JustLikeaJingleBell · 22/12/2021 14:30

Don't return to sender because they'll lose a vital sale.

Just put it away somewhere where you'll not see it. Bury it in a box in the garden if you have one for 'safekeeping'

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/12/2021 14:32

Just return it to the sender and forget about it.

Its just a reminder of why you are lucky to be apart from him.

SockFluffInTheBath · 22/12/2021 14:36

Return to sender or leave it on the doorstep for passing thieves, foxes and the weather.

Notwithittoday · 22/12/2021 14:37

This is what happens when you’re not the dream woman. You need a man who thinks you’re amazing enough to really put thought and effort into the gifts. Women too often put up with shoddy, low effort behaviours in relationships when really it’s your cue to run for her hills and leave room to meet someone else. Of course it’s hurtful but take it as a lesson. I would give the gift to charity and claim you never got it

RoastedParsnips · 22/12/2021 14:43

Bin it. Xmas Wink

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/12/2021 14:46

It is hurtful @PicaK yes. I had similar sorts of stuff with my XH. Stop enabling him, by sorting out magazine subscriptions etc. If it's any consolation, replacement wife of XH is now looking thoroughly miserable. I assume he has reverted to type. I don't think your X will be able to keep up the fantasty of being a considerate bloke long term will he? Flowers

ENDOFMESSAGE · 22/12/2021 14:46

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Loveinacoldishclimate · 22/12/2021 14:47

eBay have a few of my old addresses which I’ve not managed to delete and I manually have to change my primary address to my current home. I think that’s more likely than deliberate mind games.

However I think the main point of your thread is about the hurt of him being thoughtful in his new relationship but never with you? You’ll never know whether he learnt his lesson by letting you slip away or whether they are a better fit than you and him, so don’t let that eat you up. And more importantly in case you need to hear this: how he treated you and how he now treats her, is no reflection on how lovable you are or whether you’re worthy of thoughtfulness kind and caring relationships. You are! You are! You are!

1967buglet · 22/12/2021 14:47

You are well rid of him. Just return to sender. Bin the magazines. And quit letting him rent space in your head.

The time you are spending lamenting the past steals from your future. You can get your career back and you can tell the ex assertively to do one when need be. Have a happy Christmas.

ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 14:48

YANBU that is a very hurtful thing to see. But don't worry his mask will slip eventually and his new girlfriend will see exactly what he's like soon.

FedUpFelicia · 22/12/2021 14:54

Ah, OP. I'm so sorry. But he did this because he could and because he got away with it. New girlfriend is probably less tolerant or he is currently live bombing her.

My dad is exactly like your ExH and my mum has been baffled and hurt that he's been treating her badly for 30 years. Every time it happens she talks about it as though it's the first time it has happened.

YANBU to feel hurt but you are still enabling his poor treatment of you 2 years on. Do not pass on his post etc. Return to sender. Every time. He will be furious that he can't control you, but it's high time you found your backbone.

SocialConnection · 22/12/2021 14:54

No you're not being unreasonable. You don't just switch off years invested in a meh relationship because he's moved on.

But the right thing to do is to let him know it's arrived.

Keeping it would be stealing.

Sending it back so she doesn't get her gift would be small-minded.

But - Do not put yourself out to return it. He can collect it, or send a courier to your house. No more doormatting.

He either mistakenly put your address in as a genuine error, or the company already have that address for him, the buyer, and they got it wrong.

gonnabeok · 22/12/2021 14:54

I'd be binning it!

Wellshellsbells · 22/12/2021 14:59

@QuestionNumberOne

Shame it got lost in the post, isn’t it?
Awful shame!!!! Must have been left with one of the neighbours !
CatJumperTwat · 22/12/2021 14:59

@Notwithittoday

This is what happens when you’re not the dream woman. You need a man who thinks you’re amazing enough to really put thought and effort into the gifts. Women too often put up with shoddy, low effort behaviours in relationships when really it’s your cue to run for her hills and leave room to meet someone else. Of course it’s hurtful but take it as a lesson. I would give the gift to charity and claim you never got it
What a shit post. The problem here isn't that the OP wasn't good enough for her ex, but that he's a shit human.
19Bears · 22/12/2021 14:59

@PicaK I totally understand why you're so hurt. It's not about presents as such, it's the display of effort he's suddenly given to someone else that he wouldn't give you. In a way it's a bit like my 'd'h who bought me a George Forman grill last year, but that's another story. But mostly I think about how he flew to Australia at a moment's notice to see his fiance at the time when she wanted to talk to him in person, which ended in her breaking up with him. And he won't even bother to brush his teeth for me!!!!
Anyway, I would just hand the parcel over to him, no comment, no reaction. I hope one day you meet someone who goes out of his way to make you feel special x

LowlyTheWorm · 22/12/2021 15:00

It’s not about taking any pleasure in someone else being treated badly- but it saves you from the haunting thoughts or the quiet fears that somehow YOU weren’t worthy of their love or being treated nicely. That YOU weren’t enough to fix them or make them behave like decent men.

So when they repeat their pattern it helps reassure you that it’s THEM that are broken and not you.