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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so hurt by ex and presents?

148 replies

PicaK · 22/12/2021 13:13

I should be the bigger party but I'm really hurt by ex.

Together 20 years - before kids he was thoughtless and generic with gifts (supermarket chocolates at the last minute). With kids he couldn't even do that as I was sahm and expected to do everything. He'd condescend to wrap presents for me if I bought them and left out scissors sellotape, gift wrap etc. Sometimes...
He left 2 years ago.
I've just had delivered here an incredibly sweet, thoughtful gift for his new girlfriend - I know it references a long cherished dream of hers.

It's obviously a slip up when he ordered it from a small bespoke supplier. But I'm feeling devastated. Aibu to be hurt?

OP posts:

CodenameEgg · 22/12/2021 15:53

How on earth could he possibly have entered your address on the order by accident?

@CSJobseeker very easily. OP says this was an eBay purchase, it's easy to miss an old address on there.

BoudecaBains · 22/12/2021 15:57

Just text him and tell him it's been delivered to the wrong address and that he needs to change his eBay details.

HarrisonStickle · 22/12/2021 16:10

He still expects me to keep and pass on his various magazine subscriptions.

WTF?!?!?!?!

STOP doing this OP! Stop doing anything remotely helpful. Start sending things back to sender, right now, with this gift.

What were you doing phoning them up? Just sellotape the package back together, write return to sender and let him sort it out.

It's been two years OP, you need to move on properly.

Theunamedcat · 22/12/2021 16:14

@BoudecaBains

Just text him and tell him it's been delivered to the wrong address and that he needs to change his eBay details.

She said he won't

chocolateisavegetable · 22/12/2021 16:15

@OneRuleForThem

Sure it was a slip up? Sounds on purpose to me

Exactly my first thought

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/12/2021 16:25

The fact he sent it to you, not her, show's he is still a thoughtless twat.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 22/12/2021 16:28

Lose it somewhere, give it to the charity shop or return to sender. But please don’t contact him and be his parcel service. He doesn’t deserve it.

isthismylifenow · 22/12/2021 16:35

@ProfessionalWeirdo

When exH was first cheating with OW she got a gold chain and matching earrings for Xmas. ( I got a tacky bracelet and a pot dog ornament)

This reminds me of a heartbreaking article I read years ago, written by a wronged wife. She said that one of the most hurtful things of all was the discovery that her husband's Christmas gift to the OW was an expensive piece of jewellery, whilst his gift to her was a new breadbin for the kitchen.

This happened to me. She got an all expenses paid trip overseas (claimed to be a business trip, it was 1 x 5 star hotel room, lavish meals etc, I saw the receipts). I got a salt and pepper set.

I am sorry OP, I really do know how it hurts. I do doubt he has changed though. As pp said, she has probably told him what to order. And he even fucked that one up.

I would find it very hard to contact him and tell him of his blunder. I would return it to sender. But you may be a better person than I am.

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2021 16:38

He still expects me to keep and pass on his various magazine subscriptions.

I hope you know what he expects you to do and what you choose to do, are two separate things.

I’m sure he was more attentive in your early years together, arseholes rarely change their spots. She’ll get the arsehole sooner rather than later. Meanwhile,

lovemelongtime · 22/12/2021 16:43

I would jsut not say a thing and send it back - no way would I go running round after an ex like that.

BertramLacey · 22/12/2021 16:44

He still expects me to keep and pass on his various magazine subscriptions.

Bin them. Or mark them as 'not known at this address' and shove them back in the post. Same with the parcel. Develop a 'fuck you' attitude for the new year. See the magazines as symbolic of something else. He's no longer known here, he no longer matters, and you're not giving this shit any more head space.

Original poster

PicaK · 22/12/2021 16:49

I shouldn't have rung the vendor but I really in the moment just needed to know whether he'd done it on purpose or what.
As to opening it, my post tends to get clumped up so I had a whole load of Xmas cards, bills, flyers etc that I was oopening.i do tend to assume if it's come through my door it's for me.
It's a gorgeous limited edition print of the orange vw she wants to buy in the future - so it wasn't a parcel or anything. Just an envelope.When his bike bits, bird food etc come here I defo spot those. Tho I do open the magazine subs because I told him I would about a year ago.

I will hand it over. Its not her fault at all and it's a lovely piece of art. And I would definitely recommend Number nine studios in Torquay!
I'm really touched by the posts telling me I'm worthwhile. I don't feel it. He ground me down over the years til I felt like nothing and had a nervous breakdown.
Sometimes I think I should warn her about stuff
Eg the 3 bag rule. When we went away with the kids when they were small everything had to fit into 3 blue ikea bags. He would sulk and sabotage the trip if they didn't. He never shouted but he was a control freak. It took a long time for me to realise this.

I can't go back to my career. The kids need me. One has intense sen and can't cope with afterschool care etc.

I was already cross because he rushed off and didn't leave my dd's coat with me (I'd lent him hers for the previous few days) or my son's sports kit.
I've really had to shout and stamp this year to try to get him to think about me as a person. He bangs on about us being flexible but that's me dropping everything for him.
He has punished me everytime I've pushed on child maintenance or him planning ahead when to see the kids.
With presents this Xmas I said I'd buy my own to be from the kids but he had to buy his own. But we'd swop and help the kids wrap them up. Agreed a budget etc.
I hand mine over on agreed date. His aren't ready. Then I find out from my son that he said to him that eve "Has mummy helped you choose any presents for me yet?" and when my son said no he said "I've bought some you can wrap these for me?" Manipulative bastard.
Actually 8ts really cathartic to tell people. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

TheHateIsNotGood · 22/12/2021 16:54

I don't think your ex even bought it - he had someone else buy his gf something "thoughtful" for xmas, or she ordered it herself - on ebay no less.

So, keep it for yourself or resell it later using your own account and spend the money on yourself.

If anyone dared to ask for it back from you. which I doubt, then that's another layer of 'amusement' for you. Ebay won't query it if the 'item' was delivered to the account address.

Foolsrule · 22/12/2021 17:04

Oh my goodness, OP! Just return anything that comes to your address, addressed to him, to sender. Why are you helping someone who has caused you so much harm over the years?

Annonymiss123 · 22/12/2021 17:06

I hand mine over on agreed date. His aren't ready. Then I find out from my son that he said to him that eve "Has mummy helped you choose any presents for me yet?" and when my son said no he said "I've bought some you can wrap these for me?" Manipulative bastard.
@PicaK My blood is actually boiling for you, reading that. He sounds exactly like my friend's ex H. It took her 20 years of being (mentally) beaten down too, but she's a new woman since she got rid of him.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas. x

FreedomFaith · 22/12/2021 17:13

It's a gorgeous limited edition print of the orange vw she wants to buy in the future

That's what he got her? Jesus I hope it's the veyron vw own, otherwise that's not a great present. I like cars and I'd be a bit wtf on that to be honest.

SocialConnection · 22/12/2021 17:13

It sounds like the girlfriend wasn't the OW, so she's blameless. Let her have her gift and wish her all the best of luck. She'll need it.

Step away from the involvements like the presents arrangements. You KNOW they will go tits up.

Formal, businesslike maintenance/access conversations only.

TrufflesAndToast · 22/12/2021 17:20

I can understand why you feel sad and hurt. But being blunt, people will treat you how you allow them to. Perhaps this woman would run a mile if he treated her like worthless crap and he knows it…so he doesn’t. This is a prime example of why knowing your worth matters. Bluntly, you allowed him to give you crap and thoughtless gifts year after year, you didn’t demand better treatment or leave him when you didn’t get it. So he didn’t need to do any more to keep you. He should have done more but he didn’t and you accepted that. This woman presumably wouldn’t, so he does more. I think it’s probably that simple unfortunately.

ProudThrilledHappy · 22/12/2021 17:21

Well OP you are absolutely the better person as I would have returned to sender x

Muchmorethan · 22/12/2021 17:21

When XH and l split, he didn't change his passwords so l had a good old nose at what he was buying for the OW.

First Christmas together he purchased a personalised Christmas Eve box and gifts.

In all the 20 years we'd been together he'd never ever got me one despite me always having gifts for him and the DC.

It made me realise that he did know how to treat me.... he just chose not to because he had no respect or consideration for me.

I actually found it quite healing as l realised how lucky l was to be free of him.... and despite him telling me that l made him so unhappy... l know l tried.... and he just couldn't be bothered

Original poster

PicaK · 22/12/2021 17:24

I'm sure it's only 1 of many. She's bought him a few prints (he used to hate artwork would sulk about new ornaments so I stopped getting them) and I know from listening to the kids that this is something she wants.
Plus they're in Cornwall atm so they prob saw it in a window and he ordered it. I genuinely try to be good and let them chat about her as much as they want as she's fairly good to them. As long as they don't start calling her mama - her kids call him Dada which has upset mine quite a bit.
I've lost my shit with him. Not managed a dignified silence. Even threatened to scupper his promotion by revealing I wrote most of one of his professional qualifications. I won't obviously. Not that nasty. But God I'm angry.

OP posts:

TrufflesAndToast · 22/12/2021 17:24

It made me realise that he did know how to treat me.... he just chose not to because he had no respect or consideration for me.

This absolutely illustrates my point above. Any man can put some effort and thought into a gift if he wants to. Not doing so just means it’s not worth the effort for him.

Americano75 · 22/12/2021 17:26

I've been free of my first husband, who sounds a lot like yours, for 15 years and even now it amazes me how he still has the ability to hurt me. When you've been in a toxic relationship like that it's not as simple as going "ooooooft, dodged a bullet there" and walking away, men like our exes cause damage that scars.

UserBot · 22/12/2021 17:27

I get it.

He feels he has to try with her.
But he is who he is.

He'll stop trying

Cavagirl · 22/12/2021 17:32

I will hand it over. Its not her fault at all and it's a lovely piece of art

Why are you still protecting him from the consequences of his actions??

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