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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so hurt by ex and presents?

148 replies

PicaK · 22/12/2021 13:13

I should be the bigger party but I'm really hurt by ex.

Together 20 years - before kids he was thoughtless and generic with gifts (supermarket chocolates at the last minute). With kids he couldn't even do that as I was sahm and expected to do everything. He'd condescend to wrap presents for me if I bought them and left out scissors sellotape, gift wrap etc. Sometimes...
He left 2 years ago.
I've just had delivered here an incredibly sweet, thoughtful gift for his new girlfriend - I know it references a long cherished dream of hers.

It's obviously a slip up when he ordered it from a small bespoke supplier. But I'm feeling devastated. Aibu to be hurt?

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 22/12/2021 13:40

I vote send it back. If it mattered that much the lazy bastard would have changed his address, and this may give him the impetus to do it. He is only lazy because people are facilitating it for him

MakeItRain · 22/12/2021 13:41

Oh you mustn't feel downhearted about it. You know without doubt that in 20 years time this girlfriend of his will also be given last minute supermarket chocolates. People like your ex don't change. They can pull put the stops at the start of a relationship but it doesn't last. Just be relieved you're free of it, and someone else will be dealing with his laziness from now on. Flowers

Youdoyoutoday · 22/12/2021 13:42

Why has the gift come to you?

Cocomarine · 22/12/2021 13:42

Haven’t you seen the thread on here about who has to tell their husband what they want for Xmas?

One of three things has happened here:

  1. She’s sent him a link
  2. He’s put some effort in because it’s a new relationship but he’ll soon revert to type
  3. He has grown as a person, and changed

Which of those do you really think has happened? (Hint: it’s not number 3)

Neither 1 or 2 are something to be jealous of or hurt by!

Original poster
PicaK · 22/12/2021 13:43

Thank you. I know this really. I think it is the wasted years. I gave up my high flying career for this arsehole and he stood by and watched me slip into severe mental health problems without lifting a finger.

OP posts:
dibly · 22/12/2021 13:43

YANBU, it’s hurtful and thoughtless of him. Send him a wish list of present you’d like from ‘the kids’ this year

Shamoo · 22/12/2021 13:44

Ah OP, that sucks.
But he’s still going to be useless, selfish prick over all. People don’t unlearn that after 20 years of marriage.
At the moment his relationship is new and exciting, so he’s making an effort. I suspect 2 years in to your relationship he wasn’t the massive twat he turned out to be. He honestly sounds awful.
You are best off out.
But I wouldn’t be handing over the gift!

Chickychoccyegg · 22/12/2021 13:45

Thats a shame op, I can imagine how hurtful that was, sounds like your well rid of him, refuse to pass on any subscriptions or mail, pop them all back in the post office marked not known at this address.
However I wouldn't keep or send back the gift, I'd let him know it had arrived and he needs to collect it asap, don't mention the present or show him you're bothered at all, just move on knowing he won't have changed that much and his mask will slip to his new gf at some point.

Cocomarine · 22/12/2021 13:46

Much as I feel I should promote rising above and being indifferent to him…
I’d do nothing to help here.
I wouldn’t tell him it had arrived.
I certainly wouldn’t drop it off.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 22/12/2021 13:46

Who is the parcel addressed to, OP? How do you know what's in it?

Youdoyoutoday · 22/12/2021 13:47

Sorry just seen your second post.
You need to start sending everything back to sender and start making steps to stop letting this arsehole drag you down.
Stop dwelling on what you've given up, start focusing on what you can do now, don't let your daughter see that men like this hold the power!!
You can do it OP!!

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2021 13:48

Say nothing to him. Hold it until after Xmas, then return to sender 'addressee unknown at this address'.

If he calls about it before then, tell him it's already been returned.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2021 13:51

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Don't worry, his 'nice, thoughtful' mask will slip over time with her also.
I always wonder why people say that as if it’s a good thing. Do you want another woman to be treated badly? Would that make things better for OP or anyone else whose ex is an arsehole?
PrincessNutella · 22/12/2021 13:53

I wouldn't do anything. A person gets so many packages this time of year, it's hard to keep track of them all. Personally, I just throw them all in a pile in the living room and get to them when I can. It's always possible that a small parcel might have gotten buried under a pile for a few days. Oh dear, wouldn't it be a shame if I didn't notice that it wasn't addressed to me until after Christmas!

FortunesFave · 22/12/2021 13:55

Did it have your name on it? Why would you open it? Not being rude but that's a bit odd! If your name was on it...well then keep it!

Theunamedcat · 22/12/2021 13:59

Stop giving him his post return to sender and thank him for changing his address

Viviennemary · 22/12/2021 14:06

It would irtitate me too. But men do sometimes shape up for a new partner. Whether it lasts or not is a different story.

FreedomFaith · 22/12/2021 14:06

@OneRuleForThem

Sure it was a slip up? Sounds on purpose to me
Same, it was deliberate.

Oh no, it was delivered into the bin however by the delivery driver, and its now been emptied. What a shame...

TatianaBis · 22/12/2021 14:06

Technically he’s still fucking up on gifts as he hasn’t bothered to get it to the right address.

For all you know she’s read him the riot act on crap gifts hence this one.

I would do absolutely nothing.

GrendelsGrandma · 22/12/2021 14:06

You need to stop stop stop with the wife work, it's been years since you broke up.

Do not pass on parcels or mag subscriptions or anything. Return to sender. Fuck that.

Stop thinking about him, get out and find yourself someone who will buy you nice things. Or just bloody buy them for yourself.

Happylargo · 22/12/2021 14:06

Your ex hasn’t changed: her gift has been sent to the wrong house! The girlfriend has probably told him what to buy.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/12/2021 14:07

@PicaK

Thank you. I know this really. I think it is the wasted years. I gave up my high flying career for this arsehole and he stood by and watched me slip into severe mental health problems without lifting a finger.
I understand you feeling hurt...

BUT aren't you glad that FINALLY you're rid of him!

PS can you restart your career??

QuestionNumberOne · 22/12/2021 14:07

Yeah got delivered to the bin.

So ugly and thoughtless of him to embroil you in this. See? He hasn’t changed.

Ionlydomassiveones · 22/12/2021 14:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FreedomFaith · 22/12/2021 14:09

And yes agreed with others too. Stop being a bloody mug op. Stop doing shit for him. Bin all of his subscriptions. If he wants to keep wasting money, let him. Bin them all. He can go rummaging if he's desperate. Stop asking for help, you won't get it. Stop doing anything for him.

Its 2022 soon. New start, grow a backbone and tell him to fuck off.

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