To be so hurt by ex and presents?

[PicaK]

I should be the bigger party but I'm really hurt by ex.

Together 20 years - before kids he was thoughtless and generic with gifts (supermarket chocolates at the last minute). With kids he couldn't even do that as I was sahm and expected to do everything. He'd condescend to wrap presents for me if I bought them and left out scissors sellotape, gift wrap etc. Sometimes...
He left 2 years ago.
I've just had delivered here an incredibly sweet, thoughtful gift for his new girlfriend - I know it references a long cherished dream of hers.

It's obviously a slip up when he ordered it from a small bespoke supplier. But I'm feeling devastated. Aibu to be hurt?

Ps, 2 years isnt long, you may be fine but it's only the second christmas.

You pain a v clear picture. I think pretending to be a better man than he is will exhaust him.

I’ve just seen your last post. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time. You cannot undo 20 years of being in a really unhealthy relationship in just 2 years. Particularly if you’ve had a breakdown and been unwell.

I don’t know whether advice is useful or not (if not then stop reading this bit!). I think it’s important for your self esteem to be less enmeshed with him. So no need for an exchange of presents between you at all - you are coparents so should just have business like discussion about the children. If you must forward subscriptions then do it in a monthly batch so he’s not constantly in you head. You don’t need to warn his new partner about anything - would she believe you if you did? Whilst he is still so much a part of your life he still has too much power over you (it doesn’t really matter whether he’s doing it on purpose or not).

You are worthwhile. You are loveable. Whilst detangling from him, you should reinforce it to yourself, so eg when you unwrap the gifts you bought yourself from the children remind yourself that you’ve chosen yourself something nice because you deserve treats and enjoy using it, eating it, drinking it etc. Your children love you and it sounds like you’ve played a huge part in raising them so every bit of pride you feel in DC is a reflection of the love and nurturing you have provided. You might regret choices made in your career but look at what else your achieved.

It might be worth chatting to someone about how you’re feeling a good friend or counsellor maybe. Not just someone who’ll tell you he’s a bastard (obviously he doesn’t sound great so that may have its place too!) but sounds like you could do with someone who can remind you why you are great. And help you be what you can be without your ex as a milestone around your neck.

Good luck - I really wish you well.

@Cavagirl

I will hand it over. Its not her fault at all and it's a lovely piece of art

Why are you still protecting him from the consequences of his actions??

Because other people will lose out and they've done nothing wrong. Well OK deciding the best time to meet my kids for first time was for over 3 hours at his house during the England final this summer wasn't great. And then go on a family weekend holiday that I'd booked and paid for for the second time they met. And also not giving any consideration to the fact my almost teenage son would be stressing about sharing a hotel room with her for bloody weeks (and with his dad and his Foster admittedly) last weekend. But then she's an educational psychologist so I expect she knows best.....

@PicaK

You are treating him as if he's a decent person. He's not. Stop doing anything to help him.

I see him almost every day. We were going to birds nest and do counselling . So I unlocked my inheritance money, paid for the rent for 12 months and then he said he wanted the place for himself and was going.
He couldn't cope with my DD at that point. So 50/50 with our son but gradually building up to 2 overnights a week with dd from this Sept. They both come here after school tho still as he never knows where he is with work.
He has her for tea too for 1.5h one day a week as well.
They love it. They flourish. I've put them first.
I can't work cos of dd so I'm on benefits and no spare cash for counselling. I have brilliant amazing friends tho - I'm very lucky. And I'm in a big house. Utterly broke but the house is huge. Everytime I think I should sell he browbeats me that the kids need the space and I think he's right. If be doing it for me.

@PicaK

I shouldn't have rung the vendor but I really in the moment just needed to know whether he'd done it on purpose or what. As to opening it, my post tends to get clumped up so I had a whole load of Xmas cards, bills, flyers etc that I was oopening.i do tend to assume if it's come through my door it's for me. It's a gorgeous limited edition print of the orange vw she wants to buy in the future - so it wasn't a parcel or anything. Just an envelope.When his bike bits, bird food etc come here I defo spot those. Tho I do open the magazine subs because I told him I would about a year ago.

I will hand it over. Its not her fault at all and it's a lovely piece of art. And I would definitely recommend Number nine studios in Torquay!
I'm really touched by the posts telling me I'm worthwhile. I don't feel it. He ground me down over the years til I felt like nothing and had a nervous breakdown.
Sometimes I think I should warn her about stuff
Eg the 3 bag rule. When we went away with the kids when they were small everything had to fit into 3 blue ikea bags. He would sulk and sabotage the trip if they didn't. He never shouted but he was a control freak. It took a long time for me to realise this.

I can't go back to my career. The kids need me. One has intense sen and can't cope with afterschool care etc.

I was already cross because he rushed off and didn't leave my dd's coat with me (I'd lent him hers for the previous few days) or my son's sports kit.
I've really had to shout and stamp this year to try to get him to think about me as a person. He bangs on about us being flexible but that's me dropping everything for him.
He has punished me everytime I've pushed on child maintenance or him planning ahead when to see the kids.
With presents this Xmas I said I'd buy my own to be from the kids but he had to buy his own. But we'd swop and help the kids wrap them up. Agreed a budget etc.
I hand mine over on agreed date. His aren't ready. Then I find out from my son that he said to him that eve "Has mummy helped you choose any presents for me yet?" and when my son said no he said "I've bought some you can wrap these for me?" Manipulative bastard.
Actually 8ts really cathartic to tell people. Thanks for listening.

Do t you DARE give it to him!!!!

From your updates, I think you absolutely need counselling. A lot of counsellors do special rates for people on benefits. Your lives are so enmeshed and it sounds like he's still controlling you. You're never going to be able to move on unless you seek help.

Sometimes I think I should warn her about stuff

I confess I tried it with mine - contacted her on facebook (she has a distinctive name that he added to the apple family account a couple of days after he left - leaving me to answer tricky questions about who this lady was from the kids, who were notified when he added them) - just to say that if she ever needed to talk, I would, that I didn't blame her for anything (although, who flies off for 6 months with a father of two young kids at Christmas and doesn't even encourage him to call them?), but that things with him weren't all that he'd probably told her. She replied politely, but didn't continue the conversation.

Her lookout. She can do all his scut from now on - it's amazing how much less laundry there is!

@PicaK I'm truly, truly gobsmacked that you're going to give him it. You're enabling him. Make a stand for once! Nobody will be 'hurt' by not receiving a print of a horrible orange car! But he will have rode roughshod over you yet again, if you do!

Was it this one OP?

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/264567738644?mkevt=1&mkcid=1&mkrid=710-53481-19255-0&campid=5338722076&customid=&toolid=10050&amdata=enc%3AAQAGAAAAkP846l1mXqfd3%2BiPm%2F%2BzO8TvUz7r919%2FMBvJISw9syg5Mf0NS9uD1V%2BKXlea2EIRYy6WUxYjc7MyVBtaLgr0an0yY6UqUQb7F2lhOemmaRkuxxXIaAv%2BS%2BESbNVzpCAFI9SmifLfmF3y%2FWXOh4iOjSryNucSJYCcEebG4PuXIzHWjQHWZMR30bvQcJsaNgUf%2Fw%3D%3D%7Ctkp%3ABFBMirqxtbxf

Your posts make such sad reading OP, I hope you can find some happiness in the future, sounds like you're well rid of him. Your post should be compulsory reading from the many posters who write about issues they are having with their partner, and then reveal that they are TTC with the loser. You sound like such a lovely person, you ex sounds like a grade A asshole.

I'm another one saying return to sender. Unless it'll mess up your life in other ways, such as him being difficult about or with the kids because he was 'expecting' you to just hand it over meekly and hence basically be the person who kept it hidden from the girlfriend and will get nasty when you don't play ball. In which case do whatever's right for you and them, depending on the back story.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

If he asked for it specifically I might hand it over. I wouldn't be asking him, taking it over or bringing it to his attention. And I would be busy and not answering my phone if he suddenly started ringing on say Christmas Eve..

I like this suggestion!

OP, you're not being unreadable. You're hurt: that's an emotion. It's not about reason. You don't have to apologise for how you feel.

Oops, pressed Post too soon.

I agree with PPs - stop doing stuff for him. Write 'Gone away' on anything that comes to your address for him; circle the return address and shove it in the post box (no need for stamps on returned post). If he wants his magazines he can sort out his sodding subscriptions.

She either told him what to get her and showed him, so it was easy or he just searched for campervan picture on eBay and picked the first one (without bothering to change his address). Either way, it's still lazy! It would actually take more effort to go to the shops and buy a box of chocolates! A leopard doesn't change its spots!

As for his magazine subscriptions....do they arrive in those clear plastic covers with the name and address printed on the front? If so, you can carefully peel them open, substitute for a porn mag and then iron it shut again to seal it properly (cool iron/tea towel between iron and plastic). Then simply hand it to her as they are leaving! 😉

Send it back. Not living at this address.

There is no reason to be so emeshed with him, OP. You bob along pandering to him after 2 years apart. Make 2022 the year you stop. Don't make arrangements about presents again, you know he uses it to manipulate you. Try and keep your interactions solely about the children. And for goodness sake stop dealing with his post.

You really need counselling because you will spend the rest of your life making excuses as to why you still allow him so much space.

@Hugoslavia

As for his magazine subscriptions....do they arrive in those clear plastic covers with the name and address printed on the front? If so, you can carefully peel them open, substitute for a porn mag and then iron it shut again to seal it properly (cool iron/tea towel between iron and plastic). Then simply hand it to her as they are leaving! 😉

I love the porn magazine idea!!

@PicaK Order him one of these and add it to the pile! www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Prank-Mail-USED-KNICKERS-100-anonymous-prank-SNIFFER-send-your-mate-04-/234091479234?var=0&mkevt=1&mkcid=1&mkrid=710-53481-19255-0&campid=5338268676&toolid=10044&customid=EAIaIQobChMIkMCj6aD49AIVwsLtCh0ZnwHzEAQYAyABEgIBBPD_BwE

I don't get why you are buying him presents OP

You are on benefits for goodness sake ! Spend the money on your children.

It's been 2 years just start returning everything to sender including the present. I think the not changing his address is worse than getting a nice present for new girlfriend.