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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 22/12/2021 09:26

YABU. You can choose not to react the same way as your mother. If a DH said to DW "you can invite who you want but I'm going off to bed so it's down to you" there'd be uproar here. I think your behaviour is pretty poor and you're using "I don't want to be my mother" as an excuse. IMO what you're doing to your kids is as bad - "What did you do with your mum for Christmas?" "She cooked food and then went off for her non negotiable Christmas nap".

What are you OP, a hedgehog?!

EssexLioness · 22/12/2021 09:26

@LadyCampanulaTottington

I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

This!
ExConstance · 22/12/2021 09:27

Do host, just get it all from M&S as ready made as possible.

NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:27

@BatshitBanshee

YABU. You can choose not to react the same way as your mother. If a DH said to DW "you can invite who you want but I'm going off to bed so it's down to you" there'd be uproar here. I think your behaviour is pretty poor and you're using "I don't want to be my mother" as an excuse. IMO what you're doing to your kids is as bad - "What did you do with your mum for Christmas?" "She cooked food and then went off for her non negotiable Christmas nap".

What are you OP, a hedgehog?!

I agree. It’s all about control.
Original poster
SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 09:27

DH will happily entertain children on Christmas day and being more extroverted than me, he can socialize for ages. I need to recharge my batteries. Our open door policy means that it's not just inlaws, it's any friends, colleagues, friends of friends etc, who end up at our house, hence the need for tents. Elderly or those with young children get beds inside, all the teens, young adults get a tent.

OP posts:
NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:29

LadyCampanulaTottington
I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

And this.

EerieSilence · 22/12/2021 09:31

@Holly60 - my DH regularly has a power nap on the sofa when we come back from our hiking trips while I'm either cooking or ordering a take-away. In return he cleans the whole kitchen afterwards, when I went to bed.
I have zero zilch issues with his naps and can't see a reason why I should. I wouldn't mind if he disappeared for a nap on a Christmas Day for an hour or two. We are not Siamese twins.

Phobiaphobic · 22/12/2021 09:31

Jesus, the misogyny and double standards energy on this post is strong.

NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:32

Our open door policy means that it's not just inlaws, it's any friends, colleagues, friends of friends etc, who end up at our house

Do they casually ‘end up’ at your house though?
Or do they actually feel obliged to attend for fear of fragmenting the Christmas family gathering?

BatshitBanshee · 22/12/2021 09:32

Yeah OP I'd be fairly mortified for my own behaviour if people were literally setting up camp on my lawn and I was in bed for my "Christmas Nap". Me me me me me me me and it's what I want and I need ... You have kids and a family. It shouldn't be tag teaming and weighing out what you do and he does. Just do it together and stop making it about you not being your mother.

Namechangegainandagain · 22/12/2021 09:32

My FIL always had a Christmas Day trip pre dinner to the pub followed by a lengthy Christmas Day nap after dinner. It was seen as his due as he worked hard all year round so deserved a rest. Never mind that MIL also worked hard all year round AND cooked the dinner on Christmas Day AND that Christmas Day was her actual birthday.

If it was good enough for my FIL (a lovely man but from a different time). I think you can crack on and enjoy your nap OP. You sound like you do more than enough before that.

Maireas · 22/12/2021 09:32

@SecondSwitch

DH will happily entertain children on Christmas day and being more extroverted than me, he can socialize for ages. I need to recharge my batteries. Our open door policy means that it's not just inlaws, it's any friends, colleagues, friends of friends etc, who end up at our house, hence the need for tents. Elderly or those with young children get beds inside, all the teens, young adults get a tent.
Why do you have this open door policy? Genuine question. I'd find that more stressful than cooking a meal! Plus, re the tents - are you in a hot climate?.
lap90 · 22/12/2021 09:32

Not understanding the issue OP, your stance is very clear about what you are and aren't prepared to do, regardless of what your SILs allegedly think.

KrispyKale · 22/12/2021 09:33

Do your family come op?

IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2021 09:34

@KatharinaRosalie

Only thing you are doing wrong is not being a man. You'd be admired, buying presents and cooking and all, can you imagine, what a lovely husband and father, helping out like that!
Amen to that!
KrispyKale · 22/12/2021 09:34

Tbh I'm far worse than op. I'd have said no to the open door.

ApocalypseNowt · 22/12/2021 09:34

Doesn't everyone have a nap on Christmas Day? Blush

Late night before + early start + food + booze = zzzzzzzzz 😴

Poppy101010 · 22/12/2021 09:34

@SpindleWhirling

It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish

Who actually told you this though, @Poppy101010?

Those are very harsh words.

Think you have the wrong person - not my quote !
gannett · 22/12/2021 09:36

If it works for you and your husband I don't see the problem. I like the sound of a casual open-door policy where you provide a full fridge and everyone just helps themselves. I personally would find it odd to go for a nap while there were guests in the house but I can imagine it working in a more casual setting. Your husband seems happy to do the more active hosting so I don't really see why his sisters' opinions matter.

Fundays12 · 22/12/2021 09:36

Well done OP. I do something similar. I organise all the gifts, food etc. Make sure the house is clean in the run up to Christmas but refuse to cook a big Christmas day meal as nobody except DH even likes one (family of 5). I instead buy lots of of prepared food items and a nice meat that I slow cook the day before. It was put on a fun Christmas table full of Santa bits and we all have a light snack together then pick later on. I don't host family except my mum and step dad every few years (suits them fine as they have other family to host themselves). We enjoy champagne, games, family films, walks and I nap for a while. Christmas is meant yo be enjoyable not a competition to see who is the most burnt out by it all. My kids and dh love our laid back Christmas.

KrispyKale · 22/12/2021 09:38

That sounds lovely Fundays.

NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:40

I wonder if there is a thread on here?
‘Every year my extended family invites us to spend Christmas at their house. I really don’t want to cater for myself whilst SIL goes for a nap. I also don’t want to sleep in a tent in their garden again. We feel obliged to go as it’s the only time of the year we can all get together.’

Ragwort · 22/12/2021 09:40

Did your SILs actually say 'you are lazy' to your face or did your DH tell you what they said? I would suggest he has a stern word with them, if he is happy to be the grand host, inviting everyone to stay etc etc then surely it is up to him to do the hosting. Personally I couldn't stand having 'open house' policy ... forget the afternoon nap, I would be booking into a hotel for complete peace and quiet Grin.

Lavender24 · 22/12/2021 09:40

@KrispyKale

Tbh I'm far worse than op. I'd have said no to the open door.
Same - it sounds horrendous.
TractorAndHeadphones · 22/12/2021 09:40

@BatshitBanshee

Yeah OP I'd be fairly mortified for my own behaviour if people were literally setting up camp on my lawn and I was in bed for my "Christmas Nap". Me me me me me me me and it's what I want and I need ... You have kids and a family. It shouldn't be tag teaming and weighing out what you do and he does. Just do it together and stop making it about you not being your mother.
Have I read that right? They should do it all together, at the same time? Are either of them infants that need constant supervision such that they can’t handle things alone while the other goes for a nap?

Naps are a couple of hours and nobody even noticed up till now crikey! It’s not like she disappears for half the day. God save me

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