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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:12

[quote SecondSwitch]@NinaDefoe if people want turkey and sprouts, they are more than welcome to bung that in the oven. And take it out when it's ready.[/quote]
So you are inviting people over to use your house as self catering holiday let/ campsite?

Toplowlight · 22/12/2021 09:12

Your in laws sound entitled and rude. A post Christmas meal nap for everyone is practically obligatory for everyone in my household. Sounds like you’re being welcoming and generous and they’re just upset you’re not jumping when they tell you to.

Original poster
SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 09:13

To the people bleating about 'poor dh" , I am guessing absolutely none of you would have an issue with dh nodding off in his arm chair after enjoying a Christmas dinner he did not cook . So why begrudge a woman who refuses to buy into the Christmas "wife work,"? I have every right to enjoy Christmas too.

OP posts:
KrispyKale · 22/12/2021 09:14

Some in-laws ime wi judge whatever the situation.

Pedalpushers · 22/12/2021 09:14

I think it's a bit odd that you would put so much work in on everything EXCEPT hosting but still invite everyone round? Like, in terms of optics, if someone invited me round then didn't do Christmas lunch or interact with us (and made me stay in a tent in the garden...) it would look pretty lazy and strange. Just don't invite them? It sounds like you just don't want to make any effort with your DHs family and so no wonder they don't have a great impression of you at Xmas. Your priorities aren't wrong but your way of arranging things was inevitably going to lead to this.

Maireas · 22/12/2021 09:15

There's a thread on aibu about a man, a father of twin toddlers, who wants to go out for a 1.5hr run on Christmas morning, leaving his wife to care for the twins and do everything else.
He'll be 20mins there, 20 mins back plus showering etc. The woman doesn't want him to do that on Christmas morning.
There's a huge number of responses about how unreasonable she is, it's only a run, Christmas is a long day, his mental health, toddlers are tiresome etc.
It seems that the OP is being a lot less unreasonable than the running man!

NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:15

@SecondSwitch

To the people bleating about 'poor dh" , I am guessing absolutely none of you would have an issue with dh nodding off in his arm chair after enjoying a Christmas dinner he did not cook . So why begrudge a woman who refuses to buy into the Christmas "wife work,"? I have every right to enjoy Christmas too.
The nap is a red herring.

You’re inviting people to come over and do what exactly?

KrispyKale · 22/12/2021 09:15

Being a martyr is still a thing though I hope it's dying out.

Iwonder08 · 22/12/2021 09:15

Absolutely fine for DH to cook and 'host', however please don't try to dress it as 'I am a modern women who won't be playing Xmas wife work' because you are being avery rude if you leave everyone to clean up after you haven't done any cooking and just go to bed in the middle of the day

Shedmistress · 22/12/2021 09:15

I guarantee millions of men will be napping after their Christmas Dinner, they just do it on the sofa in front of their families, while their female family members scuttle around tidying up trying not to wake them.

I personally think if you want a nap, go to lie down and don't do performance napping in front of the whole family. Now, that IS selfish.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 22/12/2021 09:17

I applaud you, I think you are amazing! You sound very welcoming, friendly, generous, you do lots for your children and you manage to look after your own needs. It’s so rare and a breath of fresh air. I read a fab article somewhere a few years ago - it talked about how people who run themselves into the ground, martyr style, you know people who are thought of as giving/altruistic are in fact the opposite ie narcissistic because the running themselves into the ground thing is basically a big ‘look at poor old me doing all the work’ narcissistic act. You sound like you do the opposite/have clear boundaries and everyone is thriving. I love it!

Hankunamatata · 22/12/2021 09:17

So you have room in your house for people to stay but you make them sleep in tents?

Pawprintpaper · 22/12/2021 09:18

From your initial OP I voted yabu, it sounded like you were opting out and leaving it all to dh, but your updates sound more like you’ve just changed the traditions up a bit and other people can take it as they find it if they come to Christmas at yours. Which I respect!

A few questions…

Why is it at your house every year? When do you get chance to sit back and be hosted?

Did your DH defend you over the lazy comments “second has been working really hard in the run up to Christmas and has been up since 5, give her a break”?

If your SILs are so protective and fussy over your DH then nothing will be enough for them, God forbid he has to lift a finger on Christmas Day. Do you actually want to spend every Christmas with them? Rather than having them over and withdrawing, could you have some years off?

AnnaSW1 · 22/12/2021 09:19

Yanbu

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/12/2021 09:19

Why can't you both host together occasionally?

Why can't they buy the presents and make the food together occasionally?

It's always women doing the most and being called out as lazy for not doing it all. Depressing. Even with hosting she's providing the food and drink, so what's he doing really? Chatting with people while she has a nap? Wow, what a slattern...

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 22/12/2021 09:20

So your SIL’s come to you and complain about your hosting? Nice…

It’s a bit off that they’ve presumably happily assumed you’re cleaning up for an hour without offering to help once. You’re not their skivvy and your family seem happy.

NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:20

‘Performance napping’ 🤣

OP, ironically you ARE playing the martyr.
You list everything you are prepared to do but on principle are steadfastly refusing to do anything you feel is ‘woman’s work’.

It’s all very weird.

SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 22/12/2021 09:21

I’ve just poured 24 shredded into a bowl and added some semi skimmed milk for my sons breakfast so I’m off for the nap 👋

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/12/2021 09:21

Only thing OP is that you seem to be doing all the behind the scenes stuff, the actual work, and then stepping back to let your DH shine as host.

Consider going all the way. If he's going to get credit for hosting he could do some of the cooking and shopping too.

SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 22/12/2021 09:21

Just got out of bed to make my son a drink. I poured half and inch of blackcurrant squash and filled the rest with coke tap water. I’m off to bed again 👋

Original poster
SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 09:22

@SarahBennettAdvice1978 enjoy!

OP posts:
Starcup · 22/12/2021 09:23

Quit right OP.

Some women like to martyr themselves, I’ve got a friend that is the epitome of it. She would judge you harshly for not adhering to the stepford wife role and scold you for expecting your DH to make his own dinner.

I think she was born 70 years too late! She’s the same woman that probably explains her DH never changed nappies or pushed prams… Hmm

Starcup · 22/12/2021 09:24

proudly

QueenofLouisiana · 22/12/2021 09:25

I retire to bed for a nap after lunch. The sofa will be full of snoring blokes, the teen will be online/reading/ playing with the dog, my mum will go to bed and read for a while.

So a break for everyone and we gather together again at about 6 for cards and board games before round two of eating.

Holly60 · 22/12/2021 09:25

@EerieSilence

I am surprised at the 35% who believe that women should martyr themselves every Christmas to be the perfect hostess, cook and entertainer for the close and extended family. What's wrong with you people? Christmas should be time when people sit down and relax, not a time when they are running around ragged, pleasing a crowd they normally don't have to please. If relations want to have a huge family Christmas, they're welcome to host them. And rotate. I refuse to have my Christmas ruined with being stuck in the kitchen, having a nervous breakdown. I already have the most mental load, simply because I normally think well in advance and have a good overview of what should be done before my DH even thinks about it but I accepted that as a part how we function. Him and DD then put up the decorations and the Christmas tree and do all the cleaning while I'm cooking and baking, which I love doing. We invited friends for St. Stephen's Day but we all agreed on it and I know I will have my family's back. Otherwise I would veto it.
I voted YABU not because I think ‘women should martyr themselves’ or any such crap. Just that Id be right royally pissed off if my DH disappeared for a nap every Christmas Day.

Don’t you think we’d all agree YANBU to ‘my husband insists on going to bed every Christmas afternoon AIBU?’