Refusing to hostess

[SecondSwitch]

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

I'm a bit confused. Why can't your in-laws host sometimes? Why can't you and DH occasionally host but prepare the food together? My parents always did it as a team. I don't think it's that hard to be honest. I'm preparing the side dishes before Christmas and then just cooking the Turkey and potatoes on Christmas day. Or if you don't want a traditional roast that's fine - but you could still occasionally have them over for lunch on Christmas day and say "We're having pasta! But you're welcome to eat with us if you fancy it"

Good for you OP! I struggle to not fall asleep after Xmas lunch, I would much rather have a power nap and be able to enjoy the rest of the day. Christmas Day is exhausting and overwhelming for most of us, especially introverts - we need a bit of a recharge.

@LadyCampanulaTottington

I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

I had been about to say this, but you have said it for me.

well if your DH and kids are happy that's fine and I would never say that you should do stuff because your DH's family think you should, but a nap seems a funny hill to die on.

I'm starting to think this thread is a fascinating sociological experiment.

It's very interesting to read it in parallel with the one about the 'Christmas martyr' running around the country trying to please everyone in the wider family. Apparently she's wrong too and should just stay at home with her DH & DC and do what the fuck she wants.

Shrodinger's martyr - the requirement to be simultaneously both one thing and yet another. I suspect I've been getting female existentialism all wrong.

@Goldbar

Why should the OP host her husband's guests?

She already caters for and makes Christmas special for her DC. If her husband wants to invite his own guests, he should cater for them. She's not a housekeeper or a restaurant service.

She shouldn’t. They should both host their guests and if that’s a problem they shouldn’t invite guests.

The tents malarkey sounds extreme and tbh now I’ve read that the whole thing seems very off.

Yeah OP I'd be fairly mortified for my own behaviour if people were literally setting up camp on my lawn and I was in bed for my "Christmas Nap". Me me me me me me me and it's what I want and I need ... You have kids and a family. It shouldn't be tag teaming and weighing out what you do and he does. Just do it together and stop making it about you not being your mother.

It's her house and she can nap if she wants. They CHOSE to come over. And as for the "you have kids and a family" part why are you assuming the kids want dozens of people there? We always had a low key Christmas with me, brother, mum stepdad, grandad and aunt and I'd have absolutely hated it if the house was filled with extended family. It's OP's Christmas too and she's not obligated to cater for other adults and their kids.

You sound like a lovely chilled host. And your DH family thinks you're lazy because your (fully able bodied I assume) husband wants to invite people for Christmas dinner and you say he can cook. It’s amazing how uncomfortable people can be when they witness others modelling equality in the family home. You make a different choice (not be a stressed out martyr) to your ILs and they may feel that undermines the role they have given themselves in life. Let them crack on in their big ole judgie pants and you enjoy your Christmas!

For those saying that people don’t judge men for having a nap Christmas Day I would disagree. If my DH buggered off to bed whilst I was left hosting I would be far from impressed. I don’t scurry around doing lots of wifework around Christmas and agree with sharing the load - it is lazy to assume everyone that disagrees with OP’s way of doing things is a downtrodden skivvy

@SpindleWhirling

I'm starting to think this thread is a fascinating sociological experiment.

It's very interesting to read it in parallel with the one about the 'Christmas martyr' running around the country trying to please everyone in the wider family. Apparently she's wrong too and should just stay at home with her DH & DC and do what the fuck she wants.

Shrodinger's martyr - the requirement to be simultaneously both one thing and yet another. I suspect I've been getting female existentialism all wrong.

It is fascinating, though.

It sounds like a large extended family all over in the big house with stirring sisters-in-law.
Life's too short for strife. If husband and wife are content ignore the sniping.

It's surely one type of poster saying make compromises and do it your way and the other type of poster saying it's Christmas you need to be visibly running after others and show no signs of self care.
The sniping from family is just rude though imo.

@SarahBennettAdvice1978

Just got out of bed to make my son a drink. I poured half and inch of blackcurrant squash and filled the rest with coke tap water. I’m off to bed again 👋

Oh dear. Maybe give all of the OP's posts another read then you might avoid looking quite so silly in future.

The lack of comprehension on here is unreal. I'm sure people pick out a handful of words/lines, rearrange them to fit their own weird narrative and totally ignore what is actually written.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Stand firm!

I have a private principle that I absolutely won’t do the DIL ‘thing’ and offer to help prepare food/clean up etc when we’re visiting. Because there is a whole group of perfectly capable sons and unless one or more of them is helping, I’m not going to. I’m not in a servile role just because I’m a woman. If one or more of the sons have offered, I’m happy to help too. But if they’re all sitting around relaxing and being happily waited on by MIL then you’d better believe I’m going to chill and relax too and accept a cup of tea or a sandwich without a single pang of guilt.

I get you op. My mum was the same if we had family staying. I hardly saw her as she was so focused on the guests and whilst the guests/family played with us a bit i felt ignored. Much preferred when it was just us.

I don't do the cooking but I do all the clearing up. We share the hosting I suppose. I am the opposite of you, in that I refuse to go elsewhere and say people can come to us if they want.

You sound brilliant, OP. Hope you have a great Christmas.

@SecondSwitch

I feel I should add that I Do do stuff with my kids , we have Christmas eve boxes, I take a late night walk with eldest who is a teenager and we drink hot chocolate and chat, I'm up at 5am with our youngest and we make waffles and Christmas cookies while we wait for the others to wake so we can do stocking. By the time the afternoon rolls around I need my nap!

Well done, OP! Huge clap from me. Why should Christmas leave us tired and angry?

@NinaDefoe

LadyCampanulaTottington I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

And this.

Except she does have traditions with the children, individually and as a family. They get their favourite foods. Yet, Mum has the gall to disappear for a whole hour, exactly how is that going to ruin their Christmas? A Christmas that sounds pretty lively, full of lots of people, friends and family, lots of food and relaxed, happy parents. Oh yes those poor children.

I don't blame you for refusing to be a martyr. No one would complain the DH was lazy for going for a nap and refusing to wait on other people.

@SpindleWhirling yes.

YANBU op. my mum did the Christmas martyr thing and the sad thing is that she went to so much effort but she always snapped. Looking back I can see it was all unbalanced and she had too much on her plate with a lot of people not helping. I’d rather she’d have gotten some stuff out of packets if it had meant she could relax a bit.

Despite that I’m happy to do the hosting.

Poooooooor children....

Why? Because their mum doesn’t stress herself out with full throttle mummy martyrdom over Christmas? Because she doesn’t spend all her time in the kitchen cooking, scrubbing and cleaning? Because she has a nap instead of becoming a frazzled passive aggressive monster? Because she likely has much more time to enjoy being with her children and focusing on them?

Bad, bad mummy. Poor, poor children.

I hated it when my mum turned martyr.

If you lived alone, fine. But you have a husband and children to think of. Slipping off for a nap sounds heavenly but unless you're ill, it seems a bit feeble to do this on Christmas Day of all days! Christmas is about family, celebration and gratitude.

Cooking a big celebratory meal is more "work" than any other meal but really all it takes is planning and timing. Delegate all the tasks: DH does X, the DC do Y, and you do Z.

If you don't want to include extended family, say so. Be polite but firm.

You might want offer mulled wine, tea or coffee with a few minced pies or some other Christmasy finger food on another day for friends and extended family. Boxing Day or whatever suits.