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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
BornOnTwelfthNight · 22/12/2021 08:52

Sorry just seen your update, not in the uk!

AngelsWithSilverWings · 22/12/2021 08:53

I initially read your OP and thought you were being a bit unreasonable but I'm now thinking back to when my DC were younger and remember that Christmas Day was utterly exhausting.

On our first Christmas with our DS I hosted Xmas eve for DH family and Xmas day for mine because everyone was excited about spending it with the new baby. I ended up in my bedroom in tears with exhaustion, wishing everyone would go home by about 8pm on Christmas Day.

We then had a rule that Christmas Day would be just us and the DC but I would host DH family for a simple meal on Xmas eve and either go to visit my family or host them here for salad and leftovers on Boxing Day.

Once the kids were older and no longer getting me up at 5am we started offering to either host on Xmas day or spend it being hosted by others and I really enjoy it.

So I can see your point of view now.

SpindleWhirling · 22/12/2021 08:53

It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish

Who actually told you this though, @Poppy101010?

Those are very harsh words.

actiongirl1978 · 22/12/2021 08:56

I've hosted every year for 13 years now. I always have a nap, it's not something I've ever given any thought to. I'm an early bird by nature and always need just 10 mins with my eyes closed.

You can host AND have a nap.

Squirrelblanket · 22/12/2021 08:56

You are hosting though, just in your own way. And I don't think your own way is particularly wild or controversial. Lots of people don't cook a full Christmas dinner. Lots of people have an afternoon snooze on Christmas Day.

The strident tone of your post is really odd and I think that's what people are responding to.

Immaculatemisconception · 22/12/2021 08:56

You don’t have to be a martyr, give hosting a go you might enjoy it.

Contactmap · 22/12/2021 08:56

Did you not see the bit where she cooks everyone their favourite food?
No
She cooks her children their favorite foods, her husband c[and for his family, which is fair enough. The passive aggressive napping is childish though

TolkiensFallow · 22/12/2021 09:00

Initially I thought it was a bit rude to invite people around for UK style Christmas Day and then swan off for a sleep. However having read all of your updates, everything you organise and the fact that family descend on you for days, a nap after lunch seems entirely reasonable.

I recall my grandad having his “40 winks” in his comfy chair after most big meals and no one batter an eyelid. So it seems fine to me!

WeatherwaxLives · 22/12/2021 09:00

If your immediate family - DC and DH - are happy with how Xmas is done then that's all that matters. No one is forcing your in laws to come, if they don't like what's being offered then they're free to go somewhere else, surely?!

I am curious what 'hosting' your SILs feel is being put upon them though? Is it a case that DH is perfectly reasonably telling family to help themselves to drinks and snacks, but SIL feel the need to wait on their DHs?

From what you've said you and DH do, I can't see there is any' hosting' that's not being done. Unless there's people that expect to park themselves in a chair and have all drinks and food delivered to them?

Squeezita · 22/12/2021 09:00

It’s hilarious seeing all the women who DO martyr on Christmas themselves trash talk the OP simply for having boundaries, telling her she’s awful, etc.

Why are they so outraged by OP’s set up otherwise?

Oddbutnotodd · 22/12/2021 09:01

Not RTWT but got the gist. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a nap after your Christmas meal. Plenty of guests fall asleep while they’re visiting relatives and that’s not seen as lazy.
Enjoy your Christmas 🎅

NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:02

I’m not sure what your issue is.

You shop, cook food everyone likes, your DH clears up. You (both?) put up tents in the garden, you both invite people over. You have a sleep in the afternoon.
Have I missed something?

Do your visitors want a traditional Turkey dinner? Do they expect to be waited on?

Maybe they don’t like your style of Christmas and feel obligated to come to your house and join in with YOUR Christmas when all they want is Turkey and stuffing and sprouts.

If you invite people over surely you should both at least TRY to cater for your visitors as well as yourself.

Squeezita · 22/12/2021 09:02

@Contactmap

Did you not see the bit where she cooks everyone their favourite food? No She cooks her children their favorite foods, her husband c[and for his family, which is fair enough. The passive aggressive napping is childish though
I’m not sure you know what passive aggressive means.

If anything OP is too passive, letting these people these come around every year and cooking for them free of charge when they have nothing nice to say about her.

Squeezita · 22/12/2021 09:03

@NinaDefoe

I’m not sure what your issue is.

You shop, cook food everyone likes, your DH clears up. You (both?) put up tents in the garden, you both invite people over. You have a sleep in the afternoon.
Have I missed something?

Do your visitors want a traditional Turkey dinner? Do they expect to be waited on?

Maybe they don’t like your style of Christmas and feel obligated to come to your house and join in with YOUR Christmas when all they want is Turkey and stuffing and sprouts.

If you invite people over surely you should both at least TRY to cater for your visitors as well as yourself.

No one is forcing them to come?
LunaMay · 22/12/2021 09:04

Wow, naps here on Christmas day are definitely a thing, wouldn't bat an eyelid at OP's set up, especially if her family is happy with it.

ifonly4 · 22/12/2021 09:04

I do all the xmas and food buying as well as prepping veggies xmas day morning. DH is more than happy to cook, coincidentally he's literally just put the oven on at the time my Mum walks through the doorGrin! I then do washing up, with DM and DD drying up/putting away. Is there any compromise, ie you share what needs to be done.

Original poster
SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 09:06

@NinaDefoe if people want turkey and sprouts, they are more than welcome to bung that in the oven. And take it out when it's ready.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 22/12/2021 09:07

Only thing you are doing wrong is not being a man. You'd be admired, buying presents and cooking and all, can you imagine, what a lovely husband and father, helping out like that!

ginslinger · 22/12/2021 09:08

@SecondSwitch

Thank you to all who gave said I'm doing it right and have clear boundaries. I want my children to have happy memories of Christmas. Also, the thought "wife work" makes me want to run screaming for the hills.
You are absolutely right - far better to have parents who have time for baking cookies and making waffles early in the morning than fretting over sprouts. We have anything between 9 and 15 people for the xmas time and everyone knows where the drinks are and how to load a dishwasher and they like to come here and not watch me get in a hideous grump because everyone is having fun while I martyr myself in the kitchen
SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/12/2021 09:08

You do sound pretty lazy and selfish to me

I agree with this comment.

Well done! I wish I'd thought of it! Grin

admiring

I'd LOVE at least one day a year to be lazy and selfish. Most men and kids get 365!

NinaDefoe · 22/12/2021 09:09

No one is forcing them to come?

Of course not but people often feel obliged to accept the invitation to the big house (maybe the only place everyone can get together), pre-erected tents in garden.

Maybe people feel churlish declining as it means that others will miss out on a full family get together.

The OP holds the trump card.
‘If you want a family gathering, it will be done my way’

Maireas · 22/12/2021 09:09

@KatharinaRosalie

Only thing you are doing wrong is not being a man. You'd be admired, buying presents and cooking and all, can you imagine, what a lovely husband and father, helping out like that!
Exactly!
Lavender24 · 22/12/2021 09:10

I'm really surprised by some of the comments saying OP is selfish and lazy and acting as if her children are deprived. We don't even have a proper Christmas dinner at all in our house. MN is usually very insistent that women should not let themselves be taken for mugs when it comes to domestic chores so why the hell should OP host in her home when she doesn't want to? Why should there be so many obligations during what is supposed to be a holiday? And her taking an hour nap after lunch is not going to bother her children - they have new toys to play with.

OP you are far more accommodating than me cause there's no way in hell I would have a load of people in my house at Christmas even is they were doing the cooking. In fact other people messing around in my kitxhen would just make it worse - so intrusive, I know I'm an antisocial cow but that's the way I am and I'm upfront about it.

Ignore your SILs. Maybe next year they should stay in their own houses.

MadAntonia · 22/12/2021 09:10

@Billandben444

YABU. it doesn't have to be a stressful day - you're not your mother. How will your children remember their Christmases when they're adults? Mum opted out every year and retired to bed when it suited her? If you've got the chutzpah to behave like this then talk to his family and explain your reasoning - it probably won't change their opinion though.
It’s a nap.

One nap. Of...what? An hour or two? Which probably leaves her refreshed and able to be fully present for her children and husband for the rest of Christmas Day.

She shouldn’t feel obliged to justify this to anyone.

Good for you, OP.

EerieSilence · 22/12/2021 09:11

I am surprised at the 35% who believe that women should martyr themselves every Christmas to be the perfect hostess, cook and entertainer for the close and extended family.
What's wrong with you people? Christmas should be time when people sit down and relax, not a time when they are running around ragged, pleasing a crowd they normally don't have to please.
If relations want to have a huge family Christmas, they're welcome to host them. And rotate.
I refuse to have my Christmas ruined with being stuck in the kitchen, having a nervous breakdown. I already have the most mental load, simply because I normally think well in advance and have a good overview of what should be done before my DH even thinks about it but I accepted that as a part how we function. Him and DD then put up the decorations and the Christmas tree and do all the cleaning while I'm cooking and baking, which I love doing.
We invited friends for St. Stephen's Day but we all agreed on it and I know I will have my family's back. Otherwise I would veto it.