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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsSantaClausitback · 22/12/2021 12:24

Christmas Day nap?! How old are your children? Even with newborns I’ve never napped on Christmas Day. And yes, we host either CD or BD each year.

ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 12:34

@NinaDefoe

No one is forcing them to come?

Of course not but people often feel obliged to accept the invitation to the big house (maybe the only place everyone can get together), pre-erected tents in garden.

Maybe people feel churlish declining as it means that others will miss out on a full family get together.

The OP holds the trump card.
‘If you want a family gathering, it will be done my way’

@NinaDefoe The OP doesn't invite them. They just decide they're going to turn up.
ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 12:36

@MrsSantaClausitback

Christmas Day nap?! How old are your children? Even with newborns I’ve never napped on Christmas Day. And yes, we host either CD or BD each year.
@MrsSantaClausitback It's tradition in my country to have a post Christmas lunch nap. It's what everyone does!
Holly60 · 22/12/2021 12:39

[quote EerieSilence]@Holly60 - my DH regularly has a power nap on the sofa when we come back from our hiking trips while I'm either cooking or ordering a take-away. In return he cleans the whole kitchen afterwards, when I went to bed.
I have zero zilch issues with his naps and can't see a reason why I should. I wouldn't mind if he disappeared for a nap on a Christmas Day for an hour or two. We are not Siamese twins.[/quote]
Do you have kids? Mine are adults now but we have DGC who come for christmas. I would have been fuming if he had disappeared every christmas afternoon for a few hours, leaving me and the children alone!

again2020 · 22/12/2021 12:41

I don't understand this nap business. But then again I'm not a napper...I've not been able to fall asleep during the day since I was at university!
I do think for one day, you could do without it, especially on Christmas day.
But I applaud you for not running yourself ragged for in -laws.

ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 12:44

@NinaDefoe

Our open door policy means that it's not just inlaws, it's any friends, colleagues, friends of friends etc, who end up at our house

Do they casually ‘end up’ at your house though?
Or do they actually feel obliged to attend for fear of fragmenting the Christmas family gathering?

If they 'feel obliged', then that's on them, not the OP. And since they don't 'feel obliged' to ever help out with the cooking or cleaning then I doubt they are the type of people to ever feel obliged for anything.
ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 12:47

@again2020

I don't understand this nap business. But then again I'm not a napper...I've not been able to fall asleep during the day since I was at university! I do think for one day, you could do without it, especially on Christmas day. But I applaud you for not running yourself ragged for in -laws.
@again2020 Scorching heat, humidity, a massive lunch, lots of alcohol..... I think it's quite obvious why people would have a post afternoon nap especially on such a big day where you've been eating and drinking all morning/afternoon long.
ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 12:50

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ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 12:54

@ApocalypseNowt

Doesn't everyone have a nap on Christmas Day? Blush

Late night before + early start + food + booze = zzzzzzzzz 😴

Yep, it genuinely never occurred to me that people in the UK don't have a mid afternoon nap on Christmas Day. It's practically law here (exaggerating slightly).
Maireas · 22/12/2021 13:01

"stuffy uptight precious UK"
Merry Christmas to you too! Grin

ddl1 · 22/12/2021 13:01

YANBU at all to refuse to be in charge of hosting Christmas dinner for everyone, so long as you've made it clear in advance. I myself find it very difficult and stressful to cook and host a big dinner for lots of people, especially at a perfectionist time, so I don't. I accept that as a result I may not be invited to as many dinners and occasions myself.

The only people who could perhaps have a right to ask you for a particular type of Christmas are your children; and you are doing everything for them - presents, favourite foods, etc.

My one reservation is that if you are actually having a nap while your guests are around , that is rather rude.

BatshitBanshee · 22/12/2021 13:01

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AryaStarkWolf · 22/12/2021 13:02

Yep, it genuinely never occurred to me that people in the UK don't have a mid afternoon nap on Christmas Day. It's practically law here (exaggerating slightly).

I'm in Ireland and lots of people here have an after dinner nap, it's wonderful Grin

AryaStarkWolf · 22/12/2021 13:03

@ddl1

YANBU at all to refuse to be in charge of hosting Christmas dinner for everyone, so long as you've made it clear in advance. I myself find it very difficult and stressful to cook and host a big dinner for lots of people, especially at a perfectionist time, so I don't. I accept that as a result I may not be invited to as many dinners and occasions myself.

The only people who could perhaps have a right to ask you for a particular type of Christmas are your children; and you are doing everything for them - presents, favourite foods, etc.

My one reservation is that if you are actually having a nap while your guests are around , that is rather rude.

Surely it should be her Husband who makes that clear in advance as it's his sisters how turn up?
Orreries · 22/12/2021 13:04

Many of the responses to this thread could be summarised as ‘GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD NOT SUFFER AS I CHOOSE TO!

Squeezita · 22/12/2021 13:06

[quote BatshitBanshee]@ClaudiaJ1 I am not uptight, nor am I "in stuffy uptight precious UK". I'm not even British. Nor did I jest about the tents, moreso the OP's insistence on napping instead of being present for guests.

If you have to resort to (incorrect) personal jabs, you've lost your argument already. Try again when you're prepared to discuss rationally like women instead of getting yourself in a twist over tents unnecessarily.[/quote]
Why shouldn’t the OP nap after being up at 5am and cooking for her husband’s family?

These people should be grateful they’re allowed in her home after chatting shit about her.

RealBecca · 22/12/2021 13:12

Yanbu. No doubt they love playing up to the women folk looking after the hardworking men stereotype...

I'd piss them all off by pretending ive taken it onboard and think we should rotate from now on. As you've had people over the last few years whose going to volunteer their house and hosting up first?

user1492809438 · 22/12/2021 13:13

I'm late 60's, still cooking Christmas day..but I enjoy it. I totally applaud your stance and am cheering you on, i hate the idea of wife work and always made sure my husband pulled his weight, despite the horror of Mum and MIL.
As a primary teacher it depresses me when the little girls grab the dustpan and brush to clear up after a DT lesson, you are modelling a much healthier approach to your children.

RealBecca · 22/12/2021 13:14

Course you can nap, they are their all fecking day and it's your xmas too. Family shouldn't care about that crap.

ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 13:19

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00100001 · 22/12/2021 13:24

@Copasetic

Why does anyone need a Christmas Day nap? Do you normally have a nap in the middle of the day?
Erm because OP is up late at night with teen, and up again in the early hours with the little one...

Nothing wrong with a nap!

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 13:25

I love a Christmas day nap

RoyalFamilyFan · 22/12/2021 13:29

@LadyCampanulaTottington

I think you’re exactly like your mother but at opposite ends of the spectrum. By actively trying to be unlike your mother you’re making Christmas a miserable affair for your family.

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with.

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

I agree with this.
StripeyDeckchair · 22/12/2021 13:29

@SecondSwitch

I should add most of the time no one even knows I've gone for a nap- they assume I'm in the kitchen or cleaning somewhere.
I think this says masses - they assume you're cleaning

Cleaning; for an hour or more, on Christmas day.

This is so sexist - no-one would EVER assume that of a man but it is OK, reasonable even, to assume that of a woman.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 22/12/2021 13:33

YANBU. People ruin themselves just because they feel so bloody obligated. Enjoy your Christmas OP, I'm sure you work hard enough throughout the year and deserve the rest!

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