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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
loopylindi · 22/12/2021 10:53

My MiL did everything she could to make Christmas miserable for DH and BiL. Her control over cooking the dinner was lamentable and her DH got the blame for everything. Arguments started even before the gravy was made, so I resolved to do thing differently. Christmas lunch is now less hassle than a normal meal,, liberally lubricated by several glasses of something alcoholic. Job done

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2021 10:54

God, if I was up at 5am making waffles with the kids, I'd be dead on my feet by early afternoon!
Especially as I'm usually up til 2am wrapping all the presents (ALL of which I've bought and sorted and wrapped).

DH cooks Christmas lunch. That is his contribution to Christmas. Everything else, I do. I think it's fair enough that he cooks. Usually his mother washes up, even when told not to, as she feels that is HER contribution - I think she feels bad that DH is "made" to cook, so she's "saving him" from cleaning up Grin - as if he would, he doesn't really "do" clearing up. So actually she's saving me from clearing up Xmas Grin

I think everyone prefers to have a relaxed family Christmas, regardless of what that looks like to outsiders. OP's kids sound like they really enjoy the day, so the doom'n'gloomers are getting their knickers in a knot unnecessarily!

AryaStarkWolf · 22/12/2021 11:00

@Collaborate

I'm torn deciding how to vote. Ultimately it's up to you and your husband how you divide duties on Christmas Day. If he's happy with that no one else has a right to moan.

However the fact that you leave it all to him (the cooking and the clearing away/washing up) sounds off. I'm surprised he's not resentful of that. I'm imagining the replies of LTB if the roles were reversed.

The OP said she cooks though, she also says she buys all the presents
flowersforbrains · 22/12/2021 11:15

Do whatever you want.

However, I do find that if you do anything other than 'normal' then don't bother to tell anyone. The majority of people can't or don't want to understand.

I'm not a fan of hosting but I do it sometimes. It's normally a buffet or cheese and biscuits or drinks and nibbles. I tell people we are having people over 'for dinner' generally.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 22/12/2021 11:18

Do you need a hostess trolley for this ?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/12/2021 11:25

Pretty amazing that when a woman refuses to be a martyr to wife work she is castigated for it.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 22/12/2021 11:26

@SecondSwitch

It's always at our house as we have a big house and a lawn that's big enough for several tents - so my approach is "all welcome, grab a tent, here's a sleeping bag, help yourself to food and drink". I am NOT running myself ragged cooking sprouts that my children hate, making beds, doing laundry, cleaning loos, topping up drinks etc. Everyone is welcome, the fridge, freezer, and pantry is full to bursting, have at it, let's just relax. I should also add, that I have zero issue with anyone else grabbing a nap after lunch.
@SecondSwitch - That sounds absolutely enjoyable and I'd probably find a way to drop by if I could find a reason.
BellaVita · 22/12/2021 11:26

Sounds like my idea of heaven OP! Crack on and enjoy. I should have done this years ago!

Ormally · 22/12/2021 11:26

@AryaStarkWolf

Why don't they judge your DH for not cooking a roast? hhhmmmm let me think...... PENIS
Exactly.

My DF was let off anything practical for Christmas day, except perhaps for pouring a drink for people. He was bored stiff and usually had exam marking to do over Christmas, and would often disappear for a couple of hours around 5pm and do that. I remember it very well. Perhaps the odd eyebrow raised and comments on introversion, but he wasn't really missed and didn't miss anything of dinner, gifts etc. Just have a nap and keep a thick skin.

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/12/2021 11:29

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Pretty amazing that when a woman refuses to be a martyr to wife work she is castigated for it.
For every woman bucking the trend there are plenty of others who LOVE martyring themselves and angry at other women for making it painfully obvious that it’s somewhat of a choice.

No need to blame men here we do very well to keep our own in line

Aprilx · 22/12/2021 11:29

You can do what you like, but you can’t stop other people thinking you are lazy and selfish. I think you sound lazy and selfish, what about teamwork? I think your mother getting into a tizz decades ago is no real excuse.

Contactmap · 22/12/2021 11:34

Our open door policy means that it's not just inlaws, it's any friends, colleagues, friends of friends etc, who end up at our house
It sounds like you should rethink that policy, it sounds like it doesn't work for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/12/2021 11:34

@Aprilx

You can do what you like, but you can’t stop other people thinking you are lazy and selfish. I think you sound lazy and selfish, what about teamwork? I think your mother getting into a tizz decades ago is no real excuse.
Why isn't she a Team player, she buys all the presents and cooks the dinner?
Gretaburley · 22/12/2021 11:37

I’m astounded that dh’s sisters think it’s ok for you to be clearing up and yet are horrified that their db is doing it.
All the while they are sitting on their bums being waited on and have obviously never walked into the kitchen to help the lazy devils.

I think your Christmas sounds amazing and very happy.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 22/12/2021 11:39

I think if you don't want to cook a big Christmas dinner that's fine. I do find it a little bizarre though that you factor in a Christmas nap though. I mean if you need to nap then fine, but surely napping is something you decide in that moment, rather than plan?

Unless you know you'll be up late Christmas eve preparing for the morning I guess and are therefore pre-empting you'll need one..

CornedBeef451 · 22/12/2021 11:40

@Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis she gets up at 5am!

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 22/12/2021 11:42

@Aprilx

You can do what you like, but you can’t stop other people thinking you are lazy and selfish. I think you sound lazy and selfish, what about teamwork? I think your mother getting into a tizz decades ago is no real excuse.
This is teamwork. OP is doing her fair share, her DH is doing his. They each get to participate in the bits that they most enjoy and both are happy because no one is shouldering all the work or completely giving up their own preferences.

Honestly what guff people are coming out with.

I think what a lot of people mean is ‘you’re not doing absolutely everything, how very dare you!’

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 22/12/2021 11:44

I imagine many parents get up at 5am on Christmas morning. There's nothing wrong with a nap. I'm just surprised a nap is 'planned'.

ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 11:45

YANBU If his relatives come to your house every single year for Christmas why can't they offer to cook at least occasionally? They're the ones who sound lazy and selfish.

As to a nap, I thought everyone did that? In Australia it's tradition to have a mid afternoon nap after you've had a big lunch plus alcohol plus the heat gets to you. Everyone here has a nap on Christmas afternoon. That's tradition. It never occurred to me that people in other countries don't do it.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 22/12/2021 11:49

I think planning to allow for the things you know are deal breakers for you is very sensible, actually. Much better than martyring yourself and then seething about it, making yourself and everyone else miserable in the process. Self care allows you to better fulfil your obligations and responsibilities, ensures everyone’s needs are met and makes for a happier situation all round.

Pawprintpaper · 22/12/2021 11:51

Compare ops “selfish” nap to the thread with the dad of toddler twins who wants to go on a 90minute plus run with his friends on Christmas morning while she looks after the kids and cooks on her own. Quite a lot of comments were about how it’s his Christmas too and he might sulk otherwise. The expectations placed on women and men for prep, cooking, childcare and hosting are so unbalanced on here.

So you must let your man do what he wants otherwise you’re controlling, you must have boundaries and not bend over backwards too much for others or you’re a martyr, but taking time for yourself/asserting those boundaries is selfish. I can see why some people just book an all inclusive and go abroad for Christmas.

notangelinajolie · 22/12/2021 11:57

Surely, you and your mum are different people. It is possible to cook Christmas Dinner without getting all hot and bothered. Just because your mum chose to become a Christmas day martyr and surround her self in drama doesn't mean you have to. Although, to be honest hiding in your bedroom does sound a little bit like you already have ..

Nowomenaroundeh · 22/12/2021 12:08

I'm a little confused because it sounds to me like you DO host. You provide food, drinks and accommodation to many guests, albeit less formal than some houses.

Can you explain about food? Do you cook a dinner? Or do you and the kids eat a different meal to the traditional roast that DH prepares?

In short yadnbu as you are busy all day and provide a lovely experience for lots of people. I don't see what's weird with the nap.

Your SILs sound like mine. I have very little to do with them and I certainly do not want their sexist views shared with my daughter.

Lokdok · 22/12/2021 12:19

Yes, you're definitely selfish. You're not unreasonable to be so though, it's your prerogative.

Livpool · 22/12/2021 12:20

It is fine to need a nap on Christmas Day but you seem a bit precious about the whole thing.

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