Refusing to hostess

[SecondSwitch]

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

You've done enough though. Cooked the kids favourite foods, sorted presents, full fridge. Do your SIL's feel comfortable enough to open your fridge and have a root around if they fancy something? You take that bloody nap. I'm an only child and at Xmas it was just me, mum dad and my gran. They always fell asleep after dinner. I was happy playing with my toys or sticking on a new video when I was older. I'll be up stuffing stockings and cooking veg before five so I'll have a nap later too! (I don't set an alarm, I just get excited and love the peace before the mayhem starts )

ILoveYou3000

Like I said UT, the nap is a red herring.

My mil us still a shadow version because although she doesn't do the cooking anymore she judges other women ( well me mostly) like crazy.

Sounds like you have made yourself just a different sort of martyr to you mother and not very happy about it.

@NinaDefoe

My point was mainly around the 'poor children' narrative, which you agree with. May I ask, why exactly are they 'poor children' whose Christmas memories are being ruined?

She makes all the food, and does the Christmas Eve, Christmas preparation/presents/Xmas morning breakfast. She doesn’t make a roast because she doesn’t eat meat. She has people around if they want to come and makes sure they have something to eat. She naps for. all of …an hour. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Good for you. If people were a bit more upfront and honest like u are there wouldn't be half the problems I read about on here!. You stick to your guns x

@ILoveYou3000 because probably in Nina's mind, the Christmas memories should be of a DM, running around ragged, exhausted, trying to smile while taking care of everything, hovering over the family like a bloody helicopter instead of just relaxing a bit.
It's weird how people got totally hooked on that nap, like it's a bloody sin. It's a nap. People can sleep during the day. My dog sleeps during the day beside me on the sofa and I don't begrudge her for not looking at me with her soft amber eyes with love and admiration 12 hours out of 24.
There's so much misogyny on this thread, it's breathtaking. Like it's mandatory for a woman to spend Christmas working like mad while, in the best case scenario, delegating some tasks to the family.
I'm not a fucking drill sergeant or a general. I refuse to martyr myself on the altar of the Busy Mother.
The world would be a better place if people weren't using the patriarchal cliches like a stick to beat women and put them back in their places.

@ClaryFairchild

Well yeah, you are. Why can't you both host together occasionally?

How so? What's lazy about buying all the presents, getting & cooking all the food?

All her DH does is clear up.

I can assure you the children are fine. Other than being horrified that there are children out there who are served sprouts on Christmas day! They have a great day and are already checking in with me that I've got the ingredients for their favourite foods.

Why don't they judge your DH for not cooking a roast? hhhmmmm let me think...... PENIS

That's absolutely fine. You host every year. Just because you're not cooking a traditional Christmas dinner doesn't mean you're not hosting. How could you be the lazy one? You have done all of the food prep prior to their arrival.

Do they also host you at some points?

But you can’t be surprised about how your SILs perceive your enlightenment when so many women still do what your mother did and consider it part of their duty of being a woman. And I think a lot of the comments here will reflect that too. Perhaps they’re resentful that you’ve “got away with” bucking the trend while they’re still doing wife work.

Yup yup yup. A lot of it is internalised misogyny. You're not going along with it and they're subconsciously threatened by it. How dare a woman - a wife and mother no less - have a nap on Christmas Day! The horror! Good for you

@EerieSilence exactly. I like to think I'm role modeling healthy boundaries and self care to my children. They are also free to take themselves off for some quiet time whenever they feel they need it.

What should the op be doing that she is not currently doing and why should it be her and not her husband?

Good for you. I used to host everyone who wanted to come. Then had a terrible experience one Christmas day, with a baby and small child. Two visitors who came from my husbands side, were hard work. Never again!

Reposted comment of mine from another thread, because I think it’s very relevant here:

I’m a bit of an overachiever when it comes right down to it. But that’s because it’s very difficult for me to do things badly - they get done well or I choose not to do them at all. However I’ve learnt to pace myself. I do the things I actually want to do, and nothing more. I don’t pick up slack for other people, I don’t let anyone dictate to me and I never, ever listen to any attempt to guilt me - I ask myself, would any man anywhere feel guilty about this or even be thinking about it at all? Would a husband or father face any criticism for doing/not doing this? If not, I completely disregard any criticism. I’m not playing that martyrdom game.

If people want to think I’m difficult or lazy or selfish (isn’t it funny how it’s almost always the breathtakingly selfish people throwing that accusation around, just like the rude, obnoxious individuals always call you rude and obnoxious for being assertive!) then frankly they are free to do so. They simply don’t count as far as I’m concerned and their opinions are entirely irrelevant.

[quote SecondSwitch]@EerieSilence exactly. I like to think I'm role modeling healthy boundaries and self care to my children. They are also free to take themselves off for some quiet time whenever they feel they need it.[/quote]
Yep and lets be honest here, the roast isn't "for" the children, they're going to much prefer their favourite food.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule Hear, Hear!! Agree with every word you said

@KatharinaRosalie

Only thing you are doing wrong is not being a man. You'd be admired, buying presents and cooking and all, can you imagine, what a lovely husband and father, helping out like that!

This! There was a thread a few weeks ago praising to the skies a man who'd written the Christmas cards, so imagine what laud and glory would have been bestowed on one who cooked, bought presents, got up with the youngest, made waffles, etc etc. Nobody would begrudge HIM his nap!

I've never tried this "caring what other people think" lark.

I also never host. Fuck that for a laugh. No one else in the family takes turns or invites one another either, so it's just multiple miserable dinners.

I'm torn deciding how to vote. Ultimately it's up to you and your husband how you divide duties on Christmas Day. If he's happy with that no one else has a right to moan.

However the fact that you leave it all to him (the cooking and the clearing away/washing up) sounds off. I'm surprised he's not resentful of that. I'm imagining the replies of LTB if the roles were reversed.

YANBU OP and I applaud you for doing what works and is best for your family.

Ignore the naysayers because the majority of them can’t/didn’t read your posts about all that you do the night before and early in the morning. If your SILs have such an issue with it (none of their bloody business anyway) they can stay home and do Christmas how they want not try to guilt you to do it that only benefits their brother and if he’s happy with the situation then he needs to tell them to wind their neck in and mind their business. They could also cook for him if they’re so worried about him. Funny how they’re more worried about a grown man then the children.

BridStar I have.
Ime there are people who accept you lovingly anyway and those who partake of any hospitality or effort but wait for the next slip up where they can smirk again.
If they do t like you, you will never win.