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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/12/2021 17:39

If he'd said it would be nice to have lunch but can we have it at 1pm as I have Zoom calls at 12 and 2pm then that's fine. Just demanding it is rude.

furbabymama87 · 21/12/2021 17:40

I wouldn't have a problem with it. He's your husband, presumably he does things for you too.

StEval · 21/12/2021 17:40

@AstroBunny

Only on Mumsnet are perfectly reasonable requests and exchanges of conversations seen as heinous crimes. If you don't work, OP, and your DH is presumably working in his office, not having a party. Why on earth is he out of order for asking you to have his lunch ready for a certain time? He said thank you. Poor sod is presumably working in his office, maybe he has back to back Zoom calls til 1pm and is then on more calls at 130pm. Who knows. As long as he was polite, the rational, non MN hysterical reaction would be 'yes dear' or 'no, I CBA'.

Really not the big deal so many are making out on here Confused don't let them wind you up, OP

Or he could just behave like an adult and make himself a sandwich. Manage his time better. They are always "poor sods" 😂
Nanny0gg · 21/12/2021 17:40

@AstroBunny

Only on Mumsnet are perfectly reasonable requests and exchanges of conversations seen as heinous crimes. If you don't work, OP, and your DH is presumably working in his office, not having a party. Why on earth is he out of order for asking you to have his lunch ready for a certain time? He said thank you. Poor sod is presumably working in his office, maybe he has back to back Zoom calls til 1pm and is then on more calls at 130pm. Who knows. As long as he was polite, the rational, non MN hysterical reaction would be 'yes dear' or 'no, I CBA'.

Really not the big deal so many are making out on here Confused don't let them wind you up, OP

That was not a nice way to ask

He didn't ask his wife. He asked his housekeeper

SunshineCake1 · 21/12/2021 17:41

Absolutely not in a million years. I thought this was going to be from a Christmas Day guest. Even worse that it's from your husband.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/12/2021 17:41

The reason I don’t work is because it hasn’t made sense overall. His choice and mine
I dont understand.

Raisedbrow · 21/12/2021 17:42

Of course not. DH doesn't treat me like I'm an errant employee.

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 17:42

No I haven’t suggested to him he’s a narcissist! I cons hardly say that to him. And yes, I do think that therapists sometimes throw terminology around that’s not that helpful and they are too quick to do this. She has also said my parents are narcissists. I don’t know what to think half the time.

OP posts:
CheltenhamLady · 21/12/2021 17:43

I actually thought it was a note left for a paid housekeeper, not a wife!! Apart from the darling bit!

WhatMattersMost · 21/12/2021 17:43

@diydh

The reason I don’t work is because it hasn’t made sense overall. His choice and mine.

The reason I ask this today is because my therapist has suggested he is a narcissist. She says this does not mean he is a bad person (because he’s not), but it’s a personality type and something to be aware of.

Ah, this is different.

Not everyone who says something like this will be a narcissist; but this is very much in line with what a narcissist might say.

Yes, it's not his fault. Narcissists have a very specific set of traits that are highly resistant to most forms of intervention, including therapy. However, the question is: can you live with it?

crazyjinglist · 21/12/2021 17:43

What kind of behaviours are making your therapist think he's a narcissist, OP?

I agree with everyone else - there's nothing wrong with making your dh lunch, especially if he's working and you're not. But the expectation that it should always be you doing it, and the way he asked, are not on at all.

FTEngineerM · 21/12/2021 17:43

‘Order it in then’

WhatMattersMost · 21/12/2021 17:44

@diydh

No I haven’t suggested to him he’s a narcissist! I cons hardly say that to him. And yes, I do think that therapists sometimes throw terminology around that’s not that helpful and they are too quick to do this. She has also said my parents are narcissists. I don’t know what to think half the time.
In your therapist's defence, very often a child of narcissistic parents will choose a narcissistic partner. So it's not so much coincidence as a matter of unconscious conditioning.
CallmeHendricksGingleBells · 21/12/2021 17:45

If I'm at home and not doing much whilst DH is busy working, he might say, "You don't fancy making me a sandwich, do you? "And of course I will, especially as the current "making food/drinks for the other" balance stands about 90/10 in his favour.

But he would never ask in such a peremptory way as the OP's husband.

thatsallineed · 21/12/2021 17:45

That sort of instruction is what the managing director of a business might say to the minion who is arranging a sandwich lunch for the board of directors, or perhaps what the occupants of a grand country house might say to their housekeeper.

It is not the sort of thing you expect someone to say to their spouse.

He clearly views you as a subordinate. Whether that's narcissistic or just egocentric, I dunno.

Frauhubert · 21/12/2021 17:48

Mine sent me a message this morning ‘honey when you wake up can you bring me 2 coffees to my office, thank you’-i was more than happy to, but for some reason this had a different sound to your husbands order

CaliforniaDrumming · 21/12/2021 17:48

@diydh

No I haven’t suggested to him he’s a narcissist! I cons hardly say that to him. And yes, I do think that therapists sometimes throw terminology around that’s not that helpful and they are too quick to do this. She has also said my parents are narcissists. I don’t know what to think half the time.
Maybe instead of bringing your therapist into it, you could say to him nicely " I feel like your housekeeper sometimes". I am familiar with your situation because DH works very long hours and is constantly on Zoom, I work part time, and I do most of the cooking. Sometimes men who wfh confuse the office with the home! BUT he wouldn't expect me to make lunch, and if I do I make it when convenient. I make a hot dinner every night and that seems plenty to me.
FindingMeno · 21/12/2021 17:49

I think my dh would do it for me, and we would ask each other in such a way, so that's why I wouldn't see a problem.
He said please and thank you. Op could have said no.
A partnership is surely helping each other?

UniversalAunt · 21/12/2021 17:50

‘ I’d be making a Whiskas butty.’

I’m not sure I’d spare the bread…

dodobookends · 21/12/2021 17:50

@diydh

No I haven’t suggested to him he’s a narcissist! I cons hardly say that to him. And yes, I do think that therapists sometimes throw terminology around that’s not that helpful and they are too quick to do this. She has also said my parents are narcissists. I don’t know what to think half the time.
It's all very well for your therapist to say that sort of thing, but not without a full explanation of exactly the sort of behaviour they are referring to, and how that relates to your DH and your parents. And then to go through it all with you to develop coping strategies. Including whether you should or should not continue those relationships.

Shall I tell you what I think? Perhaps you might get on better with a different counsellor.

CheshireKitten123 · 21/12/2021 17:50

Responding to the original question - 'No' because my husband doesn't work from home. Smile

Snowmanuel · 21/12/2021 17:51

You’re seeing a therapist, OP, so it’s safe to say all is not entirely well for you.

The way he asked and the fact you suggested it was ‘his choice’ you didn’t work, suggests you may feel he doesn’t have much respect for you, and sees you perhaps as not an entire person but more someone who exists for his convenience, something he ‘pays’ for by working? That’s my take on it, anyway.

That’s a situation I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t bear being made to feel like the lesser part of a relationship.

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 17:51

I can’t argue with the fact he works very hard and always did. But to be honest, I do definitely believe he is a workaholic because he is very edgy and difficult otherwise. He is self-employed so he does what he wants or feels he needs to do. I can’t do anything about it.

He is actually not ‘rude’ to me in general, in the sense he would never say anything to undermine me or be cruel. He never raises his voice if swears or is actually nasty to me or anyone. He is very honest and he’s very supportive and complimentary in general. But he has his set expectations, like this, and he’s very brusque about it. It’s useless talking to him as he takes offence and it’s not worth the drama.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 21/12/2021 17:52

Wonder if this would pass as potted shrimp: www.whiskas.com/Products/Product/shrimp ?

Echobelly · 21/12/2021 17:52

Seems rude and entitled. I mean, I'd understand 'Would you be able to make me lunch I've got loads of meetings today and only a short gap at one if you could do it for then?'

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