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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:

Cherrytart23 · 21/12/2021 17:52

Quite possibly he would say it but it would be in a joking way as he would no its not happening

WhatMattersMost · 21/12/2021 17:52

@dodobookends - But we don't know the full context. Far from it.

RosiePosieDozy · 21/12/2021 17:53

No way. My OH would only say this maybe as a joke or if I had already agreed/said I would get the lunch ready as he was busy that day.

Abigail12345654321 · 21/12/2021 17:53

Get a better therapist. No properly qualified therapist would be diagnosing either your parents or husband without assessing them personally so he or she is probably just someone who has stuck a ‘counsellor’ sign on the door but has no meaningful credentials!

WonderfulYou · 21/12/2021 17:53

The reason I don’t work is because it hasn’t made sense overall. His choice and mine.

I assume you don’t have young kids to look after.

You say you both made a choice for you not to work - therefore I assume instead of working to bring in money, your job is to cook and clean and any other household duties?

It would be silly for him to get his own food when he works full time.

CaliforniaDrumming · 21/12/2021 17:53

@diydh

I can’t argue with the fact he works very hard and always did. But to be honest, I do definitely believe he is a workaholic because he is very edgy and difficult otherwise. He is self-employed so he does what he wants or feels he needs to do. I can’t do anything about it.

He is actually not ‘rude’ to me in general, in the sense he would never say anything to undermine me or be cruel. He never raises his voice if swears or is actually nasty to me or anyone. He is very honest and he’s very supportive and complimentary in general. But he has his set expectations, like this, and he’s very brusque about it. It’s useless talking to him as he takes offence and it’s not worth the drama.

I would go out every day at lunch then, if my DH insisted on being a "brusque" workaholic.

NumberTheory · 21/12/2021 17:55

I don't work and my kids are school age. But I don't spend all day, everyday at home, so DH would not expect me to make his lunch. If I am at home I normally ask if he'd like me to make lunch and when for (he generally wants to make his own, but he enjoys it). He would not presume I was going to make it like your example implies.

However, it's never been a part of our relationship, despite not working for significant parts of it - with and without kids - that I was going to be around to service his needs. I have ended up taking on some of that role, but not normally at his instigation. I start doing something because it seems nice/it's expedient at the time/etc. and it becomes a habit. I have way, way more free time than him and much less stress so it's not in any sense unreasonable for me to pick up the odd thing to make his life easier. But if I do it a lot then there is an expectation that is built up from it happening again and again. I often regret this when I realise and have to break the habit!

Has that happened with you two? Or has it always been a matter of him assuming you are, in part, his PA/housekeeper? If it's the former, where it starts off as a less presumptive request or an offer from you and over time it becomes habit, then I don't think it's much of a sign of narcissism.

In any case, the test about if it's "bad" for you or not is what happens when you say "no".

I8toys · 21/12/2021 17:56

Ha Ha Ha No!

peboh · 21/12/2021 17:56

I'm happy to make lunch for dh, however it won't be at his request or on his schedule. If I'm making it for myself and he says 'oh can you make me something whilst you're there' absolutely or I'll ask if he around. He wouldn't dream of telling me to make it, or give me a time to do so. He'd be promptly told to get fucked.

Wombat69 · 21/12/2021 17:56

Entitled!

I was a sahw for donkey years with a DH working from home. I make tea but not lunch. I only make tea because I like food & cooking.

So rude.

I never know what I think either. I'm neurodivergent. Definitely narc mother! I still would struggle with this.

Zipper666 · 21/12/2021 17:56

I would duck for cover if I ever said anything like this to my lovely Wife!

GoldenGirlCheesecake · 21/12/2021 17:56

100% happy to make my husband some lunch
0% happy to make him lunch if he 'asked' like that.

furbabymama87 · 21/12/2021 17:59

I feel sorry for the posters that dislike their husbands so much that they can't make him a sandwich. It just sounds very petty and tit for tat. Obviously he shouldn't be demanding anything but this doesn't sound like he did.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 21/12/2021 17:59

I'd boil an egg now, put in in a tupperware container and tell him it's ready whenever he wants it. Just help himself..

speakout · 21/12/2021 18:00

Something my OH may say but he has a good sense of humour and quite brave.

thenewduchessoflapland · 21/12/2021 18:00

It doesn't matter if OP is a housewife or not being told to have her DH's lunch ready like she's a member of staff is unkind and unpleasant.

Being asked and being told are two different things.

It sounds like when he's WFH she's expected to loiter around to serve him;I'm betting when he wants a coffee during his working day he opens the office door and calls for the OP to make it and bring it to him.

Nonimai · 21/12/2021 18:00

The sentiment is normal for our family with both DH and I working from home with lots of conference calls. If I am making lunch, DH would normally ask if I can manage between 12 and half past, or at 1 pm ish - and I would ask the same of him, if he is making lunch. DH is considered and polite “ would it be alright if….”, I’m ashamed to admit I’m not ie “ I’m on a call from 1 pm so don’t make lunch then”. I am chastened and will do better. I think it is all in the tone, and whether there is an expectation that you always make lunch.

CaliforniaDrumming · 21/12/2021 18:01

My Dh is the coffee maker in the family and I can just see his face if I left him a note saying " Have the coffee ready by 4 pm." He makes me one when he makes himself one.

Why don't you try it though? :)

StEval · 21/12/2021 18:02

@furbabymama87

Dont feel sorry for me. I dont dislike him at all. He prefers to make his own as he eats early and gasp despite the fact he has a penis he can actually manage it. claps Marvellous isnt it

FreedomFaith · 21/12/2021 18:02

We say that to each other, but it's in a joking manner. We know neither of us is serious.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2021 18:02

I could see my DH asking politely if I would mind doing it and then waiting for my response, but not just simply 'please and thank you' and walking away.

If he did the 'please and thank you' he'd find a sandwich with dried out bread, no condiments, and one lousy piece of second-rate cheese sitting on a plate waiting for him at the table. Because I'd make it right away and sit it out because 'I didn't want your lunch to be late, dear".

What a jackass.

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2021 18:03

It’s useless talking to him as he takes offence and it’s not worth the drama.

What does this drama entail?

Snuggledupforwinter · 21/12/2021 18:03

If DH asked me to do this (as he only had a short time gap between calls) then I would if I were free (or vice versa). However getting his lunch sounds like the least of your problems. Tone is everything. What happens if you're busy? Does he get his own Whiskas sandwich?

Mouseonmychair · 21/12/2021 18:03

@BlancheB

If he's always busy busy busy then perhaps Mr Self Important should learn to prioritise and give himself time to make his own damn lunch. You're not his servant.

And perhaps he should stop subsidising his wife not to work too. The fact he agreed to this baffles me.

RandomLondoner · 21/12/2021 18:03

Clearly, in his mind, he 100% expects you to make his lunch. If that expectation is reasonable, for example because on the past 100 working days you have in fact done that, then it is not rude of him to convey a reasonable constraint on his requirements.

If he's wrong to think it's 100% certain you will make his lunch, you are entitled to be pissed off, and correct his understanding.

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