“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

[diydh]

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

If you completely trust your husband with family finances and investments why are you not making those decisions together?

Is it because you’re afraid he’ll be angry if you ask?

OP, other people are seeing what you are not. Your husband no longer sees you as an independent human being - how long before he stops seeing you as interesting, exciting, desirable?

All sorts of marriages break up, and you only need to spend a couple of hours on MN to know that women who established no personal independence within their marriage are the ones who suffer most when they suddenly have to fend for themselves.

(And yes, perhaps you’ll get a billion pounds in spousal maintenance - but where will be your status, your connections, your friends, your entertainment? What if they all follow the husband in whom you’ve placed all your trust?)

What do you mean by ‘status?’ And why would my girlfriends ‘follow him’ if we separated. They have nothing to do with him! And why would my ‘entertainment’ disappear?

@diydh

thepeopleversuswork - Thankyou for trying to understand.

It’s very difficult for me to articulate everything, but this is not about ‘hardship.’ I’m not claiming that at all. I was trying to make sense of who is reasonable. I love my husband very much and I always did, so of course I don’t begrudge doing anything for him. I wasn’t posting to moan. It’s more a psychological block of some kind.

I find your post very confusing. You say he's very kind to you. His request for lunch was perfectly fine in my opinion. Yet you day you're unhappy.

If you're unhappy with the relationship, and you're not in fear, then you need think about what you have, what you want and how to marry the two. Or how to leave.

If you aren't happy with the power dynamics then working WILL help. You can't have it all ways.

If it is the request for lunch that's made you feel uneasy, perhaps you need to look internally about why that's so. As from my point of view, that's a very reasonable request. You can't really expect him to think it's ok to do nothing for him when he's working and you aren't. Working will give you more of a purpose and will even out the dynamics.

If this post was switched and you were a man, sitting at home during the week with no kids and no cleaning, complaining about your wife asking for lunch, you'd have received a very different response than you have. You'd be called lazy, told to get a job or help out more.

I have a massive guilt complex about prioritising anything other than DH and the DC, I think.

Have you ever broached this with your therapist? I replied several times yesterday, and one of the things I suggested was that perhaps a different therapist might be a good idea. In fact, I don't think you need therapy at all - you need counselling. There's a subtle difference.

And find out about doing some volunteering for a local animal charity, they are always looking for help and you could do hours that fit for you. It would really improve your self-esteem, because at the moment, I think you have none at all. You only exist as a facilitator in other people's lives.

People who mention a gilded cage are right. And it's about time you started to spread your wings.

Coming back to this thread. I think I understand you better than most because I am married to a busy, driven, high earning, "important" man and had to stop work for a while because we moved to a country where I could not get a work permit. It was not my choice exactly, and I was very unhappy with the consequent power imbalance. I am back at work but my career hasn't recovered from that hit. During that time I had lots of "staff", equal access to the finances and plenty of leisure time. I still hated it! ( though it has helped us pay off the mortgage and put savings by).

Having said that, my husband is not as bossy as yours, and doesn't expect me to do everything for him. If he ever treats me like a PA, I call him out pretty sharp. And he doesn't think me working or being outside of the house doing whatever I want is abandoning the kids or him.

Feel free to message me if you want. Imbalance in a marriage is a very complex issue and doesn't happen overnight.

thatsallineed - yes, I’ve talked a lot about my guilt complex about not prioritising the children and my husband and where that comes from. She is good, but too quick with the labelling, I think.

Ex used to demand that I launder and fold his boxer shorts and provide him with a steady supply.

Why the fuck are women still putting up with this shite?

Also, on the therapist, the reason I think she has labelled him as a narcissistic is because I told her how he had said to me, ‘I’m your husband, why don’t you want what I want?’ This was in relation to something about his family. That’s when the therapist said it. She says this is evidence of a narcissistic personality because they can’t see beyond their own reality. She says my parents are also narcissistic because they use guilt trips a lot. I’m listening but trying to keep an open mind.

CaliforniaDrumming - Thankyou. I know I’m not the only one. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed tbh. He is out today. But thankyou to everyone.

The labels aren't helpful, and whether or not you love your husband is irrelevant. People love all kinds of ghastly people. The key thing is do you want to change your behaviour? Have you told your therapist you want to?

If it was my day off and DH was mad busy be might say something like "aaargh I've got back to back calls from 11-2, any chance you can post in a sarnie /pot noodle at some point? Pretty please?" Which I wouldn't mind

While your therapist might be labelling people unhelpfully, I don't think it's any coincidence that you grew up feeling guilty if you didn't put others' wishes and needs before your own.

Did she say they were narcissists or behaving in a narcissistic manner? There's a difference.

@diydh

Also, on the therapist, the reason I think she has labelled him as a narcissistic is because I told her how he had said to me, ‘I’m your husband, why don’t you want what I want?’ This was in relation to something about his family. That’s when the therapist said it. She says this is evidence of a narcissistic personality because they can’t see beyond their own reality. She says my parents are also narcissistic because they use guilt trips a lot. I’m listening but trying to keep an open mind.

He really does see you as supporting cast, doesn't he? How would he react if you said to him "I'm your wife, why don't you want what I want?".

You've spent your whole life being guilt-tripped into being someone who isn't the real you. Your therapist should be exploring that with you, and giving you strategies to overcome your guilt complex.

The thing with these busy men is that their business expands to fill every minute of the day until they end up being completely helpless. Busy women manage to multi-task. I go for periodic holidays on my own ( pre Covid) so DH does not forget to do stuff that I might do for him.

I’m not sure I fully trust this therapist, but will give it another week. But yes, she told me he is a narcissist. I don’t know if he is but he is very ‘all or nothing.’ That’s how I would describe him. So, in his mind, if I love him then I should want whatever he wants and trust him on everything. Also he says everything he does is for me and the children.

What does he expect you to make op?

A ham sandwich? Heat up a tin of soup?

Or a proper cooked meal?

I think she has labelled him as a narcissistic is because I told her how he had said to me, ‘I’m your husband, why don’t you want what I want?’

Goodness! I don't know if he is "a narcissist" but that was certainly a very narcissistic thing for him to say! Narcissism is very much about not seeing a clear distinction between your own wants and other people's.

There is a huge difference between "my wife did this for me because she loves about me and wants to make me happy, even though it's not exactly what she wants, and I appreciate that" and "my wife should want the same things that I want".

So, in his mind, if I love him then I should want whatever he wants and trust him on everything. Also he says everything he does is for me and the children.

And - is it? Or is it more for some idea of you and the children?

Some people see other people a bit like tokens on a board that they move around to suit themselves. The token doesn't have a separate opinion, tokens should just want whatever the person who is moving the token wants. If the token-mover thinks a move will make the token happy then the token should be happy or else there must be something wrong with the token. For example if the token-mover is a loving parent who has decided "this is a good school" they will ignore the fact that their child is unhappy at the school, maybe even blame the child for being unhappy. Becauase they "should" be happy with whatever decision the loving parent has made for them.

Yes, that trope "Everything I do is for you and the children" is a strategy used by men to get their own way and reduce you to their PA. I won't stand for it. He sounds very controlling. Life is miserable lived all or nothing. In real life, a lost shirt, or a meal eaten from tins, or lost paperwork should count for nothing in the face of a life together. These are not important. What is more important is how you feel.

I made a crap dinner yesterday, for instance, because I had the wrong kind of ingredients. DH ate it quietly and praised it ( he was lying). If he had made it, it would have been even worse. I am the better cook, but I am human and mess up sometimes. Also, cooking is boring and I expect my family to be grateful or cook something else.

I would have send him this

I suspect he is spectacularly egocentric rather than a narcissist.

Someone who is egocentric is unable to see someone else's point of view.

A narcissist knows very well, and doesn't care about it.

From what the OP has written, it seems to me that he can't comprehend why she would want anything different to what he wants, and that of course his opinion is the right one anyway so even if he did understand, he would expect to get his own way anyhow.

Perhaps he's a bit of both.

@diydh

I’m not sure I fully trust this therapist, but will give it another week. But yes, she told me he is a narcissist. I don’t know if he is but he is very ‘all or nothing.’ That’s how I would describe him. So, in his mind, if I love him then I should want whatever he wants and trust him on everything. Also he says everything he does is for me and the children.

But surely in an equal partnership it should also work the other way round too?

So, in his mind, if I love him then I should want whatever he wants and trust him on everything.

But he loves you too, he presumably says? So why does that only work one way? He doesn't automatically want what you want, why should you want what he wants?

Also he says everything he does is for me and the children.

So everything you do must be for him and the children or you'll be in the wrong too, presumably?

OP, are you happy?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So, in his mind, if I love him then I should want whatever he wants and trust him on everything.

But he loves you too, he presumably says? So why does that only work one way? He doesn't automatically want what you want, why should you want what he wants?

The answer to this, though unvoiced maybe, is because he pays the bills.