Page 25 | “Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

diydh · 2021-12-21T16:22:14+00:00

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest. YABU - yes, fair enough YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

Broads93 · 22/12/2021 09:32

Tell him women have rights now, equality is hard for males to accept.

Orreries · 22/12/2021 09:35

@Bollindger

I'm going to get blasted for this, but hear me out. He is busy, you always cook for him. So in his mind he has a short window to eat lunch with you. So he said can you do lunch for 1. You say he does dates, is willing to let you hire help, and wants you to have freedom from working. I think your complicit in the life style you have, and to be honest most people would love your life. You could sort out a self employed side hussel if you want to, your children are now old enough to not need watching 100% of the time.

What exactly do you think most people would envy about the OP's life? She is a SAHM to three children and financially reliant on a man who can't make himself a sandwich who never discussed the issue of her working with her when they started to have children, who casually tells her to make his meals as if she's the hired help, she's afraid of his moods, she's in therapy because she's unhappy -- and she's so confused and unsure of herself that she had to post on the internet to know whether she was unreasonable to resent his casually issuing orders?

There's absolutely nothing to envy in this. And yes, the OP is 'complicit' in her own sidelining into a domestic drone -- but surely that only adds to her woes?

thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2021 09:38

@diydh

I wouldn’t get overly hung up on what the therapist says and would try to decouple this from how you are feeling. I don’t think calling everyone in sight a narcissist is constructive.

As you say the picture is very nuanced and your husband is clearly not a monster and there seem to be some positive things about your marriage.

I do think developing some independence, whether through work, volunteering or education, is a good idea. You really need to develop a sense of your own perspective on this situation.

We may not be in LTB territory but you clearly are sensing that something in the way you relate to each other is not working for you and your husband seems incapable of allowing you to have much autonomy of thought.

I do think having something else outside of him and the children to focus on will give you that perspective and allow you to sift through what is reasonable and what is just entrenched behaviour which you may need to push back on.

He probably won’t like it initially but that’s tough. You are not abandoning him or your children, you are making an entirety reasonable stand to get some space in your own life. His reaction to your wanting to do this will tell you a great deal about what your next move should be and whether you can accommodate each other’s needs over the long haul.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 09:41

@C8H10N4O2

So you don't work, and you don't care for children during the day. And you find it strange that your husband asks politely for lunch?

Why do you and others keep saying that the OP doesn't work? Her DH doesn't want her to work and has effectively blocked her from working because he wants a "corporate wife" both for his easy life and status.

Who do you think runs his house, manages all the family activities, all the kids stuff and family stuff whilst Mr Big is swanning around all over the place on his business travels and being Disney dad at weekends and far too important to deal with trivia like feeding himself.

Its bloody rude to order your partner around like a Victorian servant girl.

How you can possibly interpret that order as "polite" is bemusing.

Where does op say he wants a corporate wife? She said before she didn't want to work either, it was a mutual choice

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 09:46

@Orreries

Domestic drone?!

Their kids are in school full time. They have a cleaner. So hardly domestic drone. She has full access to their finances. And she says not working was a joint decision. Not even sahm given the kids aren't at home during working hours. She's unemployed.

It feels like I'm reading something different as I just can't see the hardship.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 22/12/2021 09:48

Said the lord of the manor to the maid!!!!! i would make sure i am on a call at 1pm and see if he makes you something.

MajorNeville · 22/12/2021 09:49

No. It's nothing to do with him not daring, he simply wouldn't consider anything other than getting his own lunch.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2021 09:51

[quote WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain]@Orreries

Domestic drone?!

Their kids are in school full time. They have a cleaner. So hardly domestic drone. She has full access to their finances. And she says not working was a joint decision. Not even sahm given the kids aren't at home during working hours. She's unemployed.

It feels like I'm reading something different as I just can't see the hardship.[/quote]
Gordon Bennett.... it's not about the "hardship". It's about the way he speaks to her! Why is this so difficult to understand?

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 09:53

@thepeopleversuswork

I genuinely don't see what's wrong with Please can I have lunch at 1, thank you. Or the like.

Hes letting her know when it suits around work. Unless she has other plans, she needs to be helping and one way of doing that is making lunch.

Orreries · 22/12/2021 09:53

[quote WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain]@Orreries

Domestic drone?!

Their kids are in school full time. They have a cleaner. So hardly domestic drone. She has full access to their finances. And she says not working was a joint decision. Not even sahm given the kids aren't at home during working hours. She's unemployed.

It feels like I'm reading something different as I just can't see the hardship.[/quote]
Does the OP sound like a happy, fulfilled person to you?

Whether or not the kids are at school, or there is a cleaner doesn't alter the fact that the OP appears to have no meaningful existence outside the home. She says that her DH 'never discussed' whether she would work or not after they had children, and he seems to have been the instigator, though she went along with it, and she sounds passive and over-conscious of his moods and feelings, and his capacity for making her life difficult if she crosses.

Yes, she's unemployed, evidently low-level unhappy, and apparently without agency in her own life.

I'm puzzled at what looks enviable in the OP's life. I'm not seeing it.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/12/2021 09:54

My own background is also like that to a less rigid extent.

Yes, so it's not far from your own "normal"?

Also, he has a lot of trauma due to his father’s behaviour who used to always set him in competition against his brother and also used physical punishment.

So your DH is a pretty damaged person? What is your DH doing to repair his own damage and make sure he doesn't spread it to others?

the therapist says everyone is a narcissist

Everyone? Does she say you are a narcissist? Or is she saying that you you been raised by narcisstic people who made this your "normal" growing up so you fell for someone else with similar tendencies?

30mph · 22/12/2021 09:55

Your level of ignorance about family investments and financial planning is concerning and comes across as symptomatic of your status in the marriage. You are legally married, yes? Not just a religious ceremony?

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 09:58

@orreries

If she's not happy then she needs to change that. Lots of people on here aren't particularly happy for one reason or another; half the population are in therapy or on anti depression meds.

Whether or not it's her partner's fault is what this post is about. And from what I can see, him asking for lunch is hardly an issue. And I don't find the way he asks rude.

She has acknowledged she made the decision not to work, so she needs to change that if she thinks that will make her happier. That's not just on him (unless he blocks that of course).

Orreries · 22/12/2021 10:01

[quote WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain]@orreries

If she's not happy then she needs to change that. Lots of people on here aren't particularly happy for one reason or another; half the population are in therapy or on anti depression meds.

Whether or not it's her partner's fault is what this post is about. And from what I can see, him asking for lunch is hardly an issue. And I don't find the way he asks rude.

She has acknowledged she made the decision not to work, so she needs to change that if she thinks that will make her happier. That's not just on him (unless he blocks that of course).[/quote]
I don't disagree with what you're saying --but I think that every post from the OP reads as if she's someone who has so become so thoroughly habituated to being a sort of shadowy facilitator of others in her own life that she will struggle to get to a place where she can say 'This was a mistake. I'm getting a FT job, and you're going to have to start to work around me/share pick-ups and drop-offs, cooking etc.'

The fact is that being a SAHP of either sex fundamentally suits only a small minority of people.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2021 10:02

Where does op say he wants a corporate wife? She said before she didn't want to work either, it was a mutual choice

The OP has said repeatedly that her DH did not want her to work outside the home, felt it reflected badly on him as well as not wanting to take home responsibilities. Also that he has "expectations" and is "brusque" when issuing his orders or she doesn't comply. She is in therapy because she is unhappy.

Just how "mutual" is one partner's choice in that context?

Coercion and oppression do not happen overnight. Its drip by drip over years until the situation seems inescapable. You may deem her cage to be gilded because its not poor but the OP plainly feels unable to make choices where they conflict with her DH's wants. He talks to her like a servant. I'm not seeing anything to envy there.

Honestly the internalised misogyny on this site is staggering at times but its particularly evident when discussing SAHMs. I

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/12/2021 10:08

to be honest most people would love your life.

Her husband is rude to her and she doesn't dare say "That's rude, don't talk to me like that any more". She doesn't dare to not make his lunch even once after he has rudely demanded it. She can't talk to him about the way he talks to her.

You might envy her life but I don't.

OP, by all means find a new therapist if you don't get on with this one. "Narcissist" is an over-used label nowadays and you may find it easier to work with someone who describes the way people interact in a different way. Though it wont change the basics of what has been going on, if you have two very self-oriented parents and a very self-oriented husband who gives you orders and doesn't listen to you then whatever you call them it works out the same.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/12/2021 10:12

I’d prepare the lunch but I know that if I was wfh and said to dh can you do me some lunch for 1pm he’d do it too.

Original poster

diydh · 22/12/2021 10:20

thepeopleversuswork - Thankyou for trying to understand.

It’s very difficult for me to articulate everything, but this is not about ‘hardship.’ I’m not claiming that at all. I was trying to make sense of who is reasonable. I love my husband very much and I always did, so of course I don’t begrudge doing anything for him. I wasn’t posting to moan. It’s more a psychological block of some kind.

OP posts:

LiterallyKnowsBest · 22/12/2021 10:21

@30mph

Your level of ignorance about family investments and financial planning is concerning and comes across as symptomatic of your status in the marriage. You are legally married, yes? Not just a religious ceremony?

This would be worth responding to, OP …

Frazzled2207 · 22/12/2021 10:23

Wow never.
For many years he was working and I was a sahm and even then he never had demands like this. Always made his own lunch. I generally made tea but it was never required at a certain time and if it wasn’t made by the time he finished work he’d normally take over and sort himself.

Original poster

diydh · 22/12/2021 10:24

I’m not worried about finances, now or long-term. I completely trust him with that.

OP posts:

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 22/12/2021 10:24

No lol

1stTimeMama · 22/12/2021 10:27

If my husband worked at home, and didn't have much of a lunch break, then I would make him something if he was short of time. I used to have lunch waiting for my husband when he popped home on his lunch break when he was in the Army. If I'm making lunch anyway, one extra plate is no big deal.

thamesriviera · 22/12/2021 10:29

do you have to touch up your hair and make up and pop on a fresh frock before he's allowed to see you for lunch?

Clymene · 22/12/2021 10:31

@Fluffycloudland77

I’d prepare the lunch but I know that if I was wfh and said to dh can you do me some lunch for 1pm he’d do it too.

For the 100th time, it's not about asking the OP to make lunch, it's the way he asked her.

This is a command, dressed up as a request. This is not how you talk to spouses. Like I said at the every start of this thread, he's forgotten she is his wife, a human being of equal value and importance to him.