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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
Christoncrutches · 22/12/2021 01:49

I think you already know he's being unreasonable, but you obviously don't feel comfortable making an issue of it... you should be able to be open about how you feel with him and not fear the repercussions. Maybe he's a narcissist, maybe not... maybe he's just taking you for granted because he feels this is your 'role'. Regardless, he's obviously sensitive in other areas, so he should feel empathy if you explain how his assumption that you will service his needs on a daily basis makes you feel degraded. If he doesn't, there's something wrong in your relationship that needs addressing - is that what puts you off confronting him?

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 22/12/2021 02:03

you put his arse on a plate and hand it to him

TylluanBach · 22/12/2021 02:03

I think I'd fuck off for lunch on my own and tea too..for the next 40 years Grin

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 22/12/2021 02:40

.......and wish him 'bum appetit'

Gargellen · 22/12/2021 03:05

He would get a foreskin on a dry bap.

Coughee · 22/12/2021 03:12

This isn't a partnership, there is a massive imbalance of power here. He told you he didn't want you working, that's not right. It should have been entirely your choice. He emotionally blackmail you into continuing to stay at home by telling you you would be abandoning your kids if you worked. You feel that you have to keep him happy or your life is harder. You can't talk to him about any of this. He doesn't ask you to do things, he issues commands.

It feels like you are in a precarious position. You keep him happy and do what he says and wants or he makes your life miserable. You must surely feel like you have no agency, no control over your own life?

And I say all this as someone who has been a sahm/taken on the traditional wife role at one point. The difference was my husband never once tried to influence or coerce me into it and has been very supportive of me as I went back to work. Sure we do things for each other but we ask, we don't command. 'can you pop something in the oven for me for lunch please?' as opposed to 'please have lunch ready for me at 1'.

I don't know what label you would give your husband but I can see why you are uneasy in your relationship. Take your time and keep exploring those feelings, they are valid.

Pallisers · 22/12/2021 03:22

@IloveJudgeJudy

For your own self-esteem and mental health you need to get a paying job. It's all very well volunteering but he'd still be paying for everything and so be feeling entitled. It wouldn't have to be full-time but just a paying one.
this is fine as advice but come on

the OP has been out of the workplace for 10 plus years because her dh didn't want her to work and she wanted to be home with her children - mutual decision. She is hardly going to get a job paying enough to compete with a high flying man who has everyone running around after him servicing him. A man who will do NOTHING for his children and expect his wife to do it all even if she works.

OP has said that she thinks if he feels he won't get meals on demand and service like that from her as his wife, he may divorce her but certainly will create a very unpleasant atmosphere.

Getting a job could well be good for OP but certainly won't solve her marital issues. This man doesn't want a working wife. he wants a woman whose job it is to service him.

And she'd hardly be likely to earn enough to give any clout to the idea that he isn't paying for everything so has less control.

This situation is about a deep disrespect from the OP's dh. My grandmothers and mother didn't work outside the home. Their spouses thought they were wonderful and wouldn't have dreamed of telling them to get them lunch in the terms OP described.

My FIL might have - probably did. He was a very insecure up his own arse man (funnily enough while seeing his faults, I actually liked him - and he was nice to his daughters in law) whose wife tolerated his shit. His sons have little respect for him because of it. None of them have replicated his behaviour. They see it as weak.

Quirkyme · 22/12/2021 04:09

Jesus Christ.

Newestname002 · 22/12/2021 04:25

@diydh

Yes this is as I thought. And yes, his words were - “darling, please have lunch ready for one o’clock, Thankyou.’ Then he just sort of walks off.

He will think this is totally normal and he’s just trying to be helpful in communicating his schedule. That’s what he would say.

Does he think adding "Darling" at the beginning of this demand makes it any better - before he then just walks off? Idiot! 🌹

readingismycardio · 22/12/2021 05:20

The 1950s are calling... they want your husband back Grin

Missey85 · 22/12/2021 06:34

I'd make him a shit sandwich! Its not the 50s and your not the maid!

motherofawhirlwind · 22/12/2021 07:13

In those words, no.

We both say to each other "what time can you do lunch today?" and aim to eat together.

SofiaMichElf · 22/12/2021 07:47

To be completely and unapologetically blunt, OP, you've fucked it by making yourself totally dependent upon, well... a complete wanker.

DH and I both work away/abroad regularly, and always have done so, but it's never been a reason to have to give up work because of DC - we both made sure of that.

Your husband is clearly making good money so no reason you couldn't have worked too and then paid for help with childcare when necessary.

I could cry for the many, many women who willingly give up their independence, and a potentially fulfilling future, for a selfish narcissistic wanker.

PS, regarding the sandwich, DH wouldn't ever speak to me like that but if he did he'd already be running in the opposite direction as he finished the sentence.

georgarina · 22/12/2021 07:50

Wouldn't even phrase it that way to a housekeeper tbh

girlmom21 · 22/12/2021 07:58

I don't know if you have boys or girls but would you be happy if your daughter ended up in a relationship like yours?

If not, why? Why do you live in a way you wouldn't want her to?

Porcupineintherough · 22/12/2021 08:07

@Pallisers I doubt your grandfathers ever had to say anything. Having food ready for the man of the house when he came in from work was pretty standard practice back in the day, as were making hi pack up if he took one. Do you really think providing food was something housewives only did when they fancied it?

supergloo · 22/12/2021 08:08

Mine would say it but it's not acceptable

crazyjinglist · 22/12/2021 08:31

I could cry for the many, many women who willingly give up their independence, and a potentially fulfilling future, for a selfish narcissistic wanker.

Well yes... but there are also plenty of women who don't work for a while when their children are little, but aren't married to narcissistic wankers. I don't think men become narcissistic wankers purely because of their wife's current employment status. If you've married a narcissistic wanker, then he's going to behave like one regardless. But yes, it's easier to extricate yourself from him if you're financially independent.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2021 08:38

So you don't work, and you don't care for children during the day. And you find it strange that your husband asks politely for lunch?

Why do you and others keep saying that the OP doesn't work? Her DH doesn't want her to work and has effectively blocked her from working because he wants a "corporate wife" both for his easy life and status.

Who do you think runs his house, manages all the family activities, all the kids stuff and family stuff whilst Mr Big is swanning around all over the place on his business travels and being Disney dad at weekends and far too important to deal with trivia like feeding himself.

Its bloody rude to order your partner around like a Victorian servant girl.

How you can possibly interpret that order as "polite" is bemusing.

Littlehouseinthebigcity · 22/12/2021 08:45

I would actually appreciate this! My DH works from home. I am very part time so essentially a Sahm 3-4 days a week and the amount of times I've got lunch ready for all of us only to find he's on a call and it's just me and the kids! Communication isn't a bad thing, it depends on the circumstances. If you're both working it's a bit different obviously!

Original poster
diydh · 22/12/2021 08:50

I didn’t expect so many posts and have woken up to quite a lot. I can’t reply to everything, but just wanted to say a few things so I’m not misunderstood.

To the posters saying, “Ffs making his food is the least you can do as you’re not working,” well, yes, I know this which is exactly why I don’t tell him to “get your own” etc as most people clearly would on this thread. Patterns in a relationship don’t just happen overnight, it’s more subtle.

Also there is the context of his family and his upbringing in which some cultural differences exist, eg. family gatherings, it’s women who deal with the food and men have nothing to do with that kind of thing. I’m not saying it’s an excuse and he’s not religious, but this is where he’s coming from and we all internalise things from our childhood and past. My own background is also like that to a less rigid extent. Also, he has a lot of trauma due to his father’s behaviour who used to always set him in competition against his brother and also used physical punishment. I think he is a workaholic because it’s become a defence and if he’s busy he doesn’t have to think too much. He is also very competitive in sports and surrounds himself with others like him. I don’t think it’s healthy and they take it too far, but you can’t deconstruct all that. So I have tried to balance things out, especially since we had children, but it’s been going on since I met him, in retrospect. It’s not all bad by any means. But he’s not the easiest to live with all the time and I posted because I have a therapist who says he is a narcissist and the manner he spoke to me yesterday struck me as this. But then the therapist says everyone is a narcissist and I’m not sure about her so may leave and find a different one.

OP posts:
Amberfromcamber · 22/12/2021 08:52

He is happy for you to do what you want as long as there is no impact to him.

For what it's worth the roles are reversed in my house, DH is a sahd to 3 young teens and I am the breadwinner and working mainly at home due to the pandemic.

I have never asked him to make my lunch but if I am busy and haven't been down for lunch he does send me a text asking if he can get me anything.

If you are ever going to want anything different in your life other than facilitating the lives of your DH and DCs especially with your children growing up I would start making some changes.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 22/12/2021 09:15

I would ask if his arms were broken?

thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2021 09:17

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Pallisers I doubt your grandfathers ever had to say anything. Having food ready for the man of the house when he came in from work was pretty standard practice back in the day, as were making hi pack up if he took one. Do you really think providing food was something housewives only did when they fancied it?[/quote]
Good grief 24 pages in and people are just not grasping this are they?

No one is saying its unreasonable of the husband to politely ask the OP to make lunch (particularly as she's not working). No one is saying making lunch for your husband makes you a Stepford Wife.

It's the way he speaks to her. He talks to her like an employee, not a partner.

Bollindger · 22/12/2021 09:28

I'm going to get blasted for this, but hear me out.
He is busy, you always cook for him. So in his mind he has a short window to eat lunch with you. So he said can you do lunch for 1.
You say he does dates, is willing to let you hire help, and wants you to have freedom from working.
I think your complicit in the life style you have, and to be honest most people would love your life.
You could sort out a self employed side hussel if you want to, your children are now old enough to not need watching 100% of the time.