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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:10

@JustLyra

No wonder men get away with so much when people think it’s ok to have your wife living on eggshells and fearful of your mood so much she daren’t say no.
OP as been inconsistent with what she's saying about her husband.

Who thinks it's ok for her to walk on eggshells? Who said that? I didn't.

If OP doesn't want to make his lunch, then she either gets a job, goes out in the day, or tells him that she'd rather not, despite having the time.

If her husband is controlling, she needs to consider leaving. But if he's simply asking for lunch, from someone who has A LOT more free time than him, then she'd be over reacting.

Id be pretty moody if my partner refused me lunch despite not working or looking after children. Quite frankly it would come across as extremely lazy and ungrateful. Partners are called such because they work as a partnership and pull their own weight.

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 00:12

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain You clearly have no experience of abusive relationships of you think the fact the OP is struggling to balance his nice side with his controlling side is an inconsistency rather than part of what happens with abusive relationships

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 00:14

Partners are called such because they work as a partnership and pull their own weight.

Which the OP does in the way they agreed when they set it up

If he wants her to be an on demand waitress then he should have the manners to ask, or to discuss the changes with her. Not assume she’ll replace his PA.

And I’d bet you all the money I have that the OP more than pulls her weight in their partnership. Every meal, all the housework, all the kids stuff, all the wife work - he’ll do nothing. Can almost guarantee it

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:18

[quote JustLyra]@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain You clearly have no experience of abusive relationships of you think the fact the OP is struggling to balance his nice side with his controlling side is an inconsistency rather than part of what happens with abusive relationships[/quote]
That's not what I read at all. OP says she doesn't work out of choice (both of theirs). That's she's in therapy not due to him. That he is kind. That she has access to money.

Her only complaint as far as I can see is that he's blunt in his communication style. I find it strange she can't tell him she doesn't want to make the lunch. But also I find it understandable that he would be pissed off if she said no. She has a bloody cleaner. She of course needs to make the lunch!

I find it incredible that everyone thinks she is being spoken to poorly. When in actual fact, he's just asking her to do something for him as she has considerably more time.

If she wants to change something then that's on her. She expresses no want to get a job and seemingly no want to change the relationship. So stop saying she's being abused with no evidence for that.

1967buglet · 22/12/2021 00:18

It might be helpful to fast forward 8 years…when your youngest is going to be 18 and away from home. Assuming the pandemic is behind us (!), your DH will be away working most of the time. What are you going to do with yourself? If he is a workaholic, my experience is they don’t retire unless due to ill health. I mean, you can think…well I will look after grandchildren, but maybe you could think now, what can I do that gives me some self-fulfillment, maybe that would use your postgraduate degree? You aren’t just a caregiver, lunch preparer or finder of lost items but someone with unique talents to bring to the world. On a lighter note, there was a comedienne who noted: the uterus is not a tracking device.

Pallisers · 22/12/2021 00:20

Id be pretty moody if my partner refused me lunch despite not working or looking after children. Quite frankly it would come across as extremely lazy and ungrateful. Partners are called such because they work as a partnership and pull their own weight.

what a foul thing to say. Have you read the OP's posts?

Either you have difficulty with comprehension or you really are a bit of a shit.

AlligatorDentist · 22/12/2021 00:20

You sound quite like my mum, OP.

My father was self-employed and did very well financially. Her job was to manage his house. In return, she had free access to money, and as many babies as her heart desired.

The whole house revolved around Dad’s mealtimes. Breakfast at 8am. Tea and biscuits at 10.30. Lunch at 1pm. Dinner at 6pm. His news schedule was very important to him also. Radio news at 8am and 9am, tv news at 1pm, 6pm, and 9pm.

Woe betide anyone who interfered with his schedule.

He could run a large company, but couldn’t tell you which was the dryer and which was the washing machine.

Then he retired (at a pretty ripe old age- couldn’t leave control of the business behind him) and now I have two parents who hate each other.

She’s finally realised that she’s spent her life doing what she thought was important work for him, but his contempt for her and his hastening to add that she wouldn’t have anything if it wasn’t for him is outstanding.

I genuinely believe that, if she had worked and saw a life outside of those four walls, she’d have realised that the way she was living wasn’t normal and she’d have left him.

She’s 80 now and broken.

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 00:21

So stop saying she's being abused with no evidence for that.

You don’t get to tell other people what to say.

I find it incredible that everyone thinks she is being spoken to poorly.

Perhaps the fact that, in your words, everyone sees something you don’t is something you should take into account rather than getting on at the OP…

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:21

@JustLyra

Partners are called such because they work as a partnership and pull their own weight.

Which the OP does in the way they agreed when they set it up

If he wants her to be an on demand waitress then he should have the manners to ask, or to discuss the changes with her. Not assume she’ll replace his PA.

And I’d bet you all the money I have that the OP more than pulls her weight in their partnership. Every meal, all the housework, all the kids stuff, all the wife work - he’ll do nothing. Can almost guarantee it

Eugh.

They have a cleaner so no, she doesn't do all the housework.

The kids are of school age, so the "kid stuff" is fairly limited.

What is wife work?!

Every meal... Hmmm, not so hard when otherwise you don't do much. I make every meal too (my husband does majority of housework before you say anything). It takes me probably 1-1.30 hours in total a day if that. I'm sure OP can fit that into her day, all things considered.

I'm flabbergasted by your assumptions and lack of acknowledgement that she has a much larger proportion of free time than her husband. And that with that time, making a quick sandwich isn't going to hurt

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 00:22

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain I’m flabbergasted that you’re repeatedly being snide about a woman who is clearly in a controlling relationship

So at least we have one thing in common.

Glitterblue · 22/12/2021 00:25

Never. The most mine does is let me know what times he has meetings etc so we can eat lunch together.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:27

@AlligatorDentist

You sound quite like my mum, OP.

My father was self-employed and did very well financially. Her job was to manage his house. In return, she had free access to money, and as many babies as her heart desired.

The whole house revolved around Dad’s mealtimes. Breakfast at 8am. Tea and biscuits at 10.30. Lunch at 1pm. Dinner at 6pm. His news schedule was very important to him also. Radio news at 8am and 9am, tv news at 1pm, 6pm, and 9pm.

Woe betide anyone who interfered with his schedule.

He could run a large company, but couldn’t tell you which was the dryer and which was the washing machine.

Then he retired (at a pretty ripe old age- couldn’t leave control of the business behind him) and now I have two parents who hate each other.

She’s finally realised that she’s spent her life doing what she thought was important work for him, but his contempt for her and his hastening to add that she wouldn’t have anything if it wasn’t for him is outstanding.

I genuinely believe that, if she had worked and saw a life outside of those four walls, she’d have realised that the way she was living wasn’t normal and she’d have left him.

She’s 80 now and broken.

But with all due respect, if she and a job, then what was "expected" at home would of course be different.

If both partners are working full time, then all other chores/childcare should be split down the line.

But if one is working outside the house and the other isn't working, then it makes perfect sense that they do as much as they can in the house.

My parents both worked and split household responsibilities fairly equally. They don't get along now either! It's very common for couples to not get on great after so long (sad but true).

If there was a post about a couple who live together and woman works and does all the housework etc, boyfriend does nothing, people would be saying LTB. But somehow it's ok OP feels resentful about making lunch even though she has plenty of time!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/12/2021 00:28

I find it incredible that everyone thinks she is being spoken to poorly.

If "everyone" else thinks one thing, is it not worth considering they are picking up on nuances and telltale signs of an unhealthy dynamic that you are missing? Rather than finding it "incredible" and assuming they're all overreacting?

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:28

[quote JustLyra]@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain I’m flabbergasted that you’re repeatedly being snide about a woman who is clearly in a controlling relationship

So at least we have one thing in common.[/quote]
Why do you avoid answering questions?

What's wife work please?

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 00:31

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain I’m avoiding your spurious questions because your determination to take the OP’s thread away from her concerns is tedious

What's wife work please?

If you’ve been on MN more than five minutes you know fine well what is meant by wife work.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/12/2021 00:31

If there was a post about a couple who live together and woman works and does all the housework etc, boyfriend does nothing, people would be saying LTB.

If she also said "but I don't want him to get a job and if he did I would feel he was abandoning us and I wasn't enough for him and I know I would make the atmosphere tense and put him on edge if he pressed the issue" people would tell her she was being a controlling twat. Quite rightly.

Rangoon · 22/12/2021 00:32

I wouldn't be sure he was neurotypical. The inability to get the other person's point of view about the lunch request is typical of ASD people. Not to diagnose at a distance though even if your therapist seems able to do so but I have family members who are ASD and there is just a bit of a disconnect there in some cases. It is a spectrum and very high functioning people who are on the spectrum can in most situations pass as neurotypical.

From what you say though you have a great lifestyle with time and money to spend on yourself and your children. I am supposedly fulfilled with a career but I was up to 3 am this morning to review work that somebody did not get to me to until 12.30 am and where there is a hard deadline. Frankly, I'd find putting up with lunch requests like that a lot more fun than reviewing legal documents at 3am in the morning. As long as you are protected financially, why would you bother working?

feelingfree17 · 22/12/2021 00:34

Please get a job

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If there was a post about a couple who live together and woman works and does all the housework etc, boyfriend does nothing, people would be saying LTB.

If she also said "but I don't want him to get a job and if he did I would feel he was abandoning us and I wasn't enough for him and I know I would make the atmosphere tense and put him on edge if he pressed the issue" people would tell her she was being a controlling twat. Quite rightly.

She also said this was his view a long time ago. And that the choice not to work was both of theirs, she isn't showing a want to work from her comments (which is fair enough but then you can't just blame him!).

It's possible he said that to alleviate any guilt she felt by not working. Perhaps he was trying to back her up. Perhaps it was meant tongue in cheek.

Everyone's dwelled on that sentence. But ignored her saying he is kind to her and that these are her choices too.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:41

[quote JustLyra]@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain I’m avoiding your spurious questions because your determination to take the OP’s thread away from her concerns is tedious

What's wife work please?

If you’ve been on MN more than five minutes you know fine well what is meant by wife work.[/quote]
I genuinely have no idea. I've been on Mumsnet on and off for a while, never seen it. Don't tell me what I do and don't know, I don't know what "wife work" is meant to mean.

mellicauli · 22/12/2021 00:46

"Please have lunch ready for 1" is not perfectly polite. It's really rather rude. As well as the you-as-subordinate subtext and the your-time-as less-important-than-mine subtext. There is an implication there that you have been late with lunch on other occasions and have inconvenienced him as a result. What a cheek!

This may be why he is so busy busy busy - you really can't delegate work with a tone of voice like that. I imagine people do everything they can not to do any work for him or do a half-arsed job if they have to.

Mentioning it to him actually might be doing him a huge favour. But I suspect he's too much of an old fossil to hear it.

BTW - you know that busy stuff is a choice, his choice to live like that. It doesn't mean any of your choices are less important.

Rangoon · 22/12/2021 00:56

Wife work means all the thinking and organising - like you are the one who organises it when your son tells you at 8pm about the yellow t shirt he needs to have for school tomorrow, organising children's dental appointments, paying bills, buying Xmas presents for your husband's family and so on.

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/12/2021 01:05

For your own self-esteem and mental health you need to get a paying job. It's all very well volunteering but he'd still be paying for everything and so be feeling entitled. It wouldn't have to be full-time but just a paying one.

Snugglybuggly · 22/12/2021 01:22

He should make it himself!

batmanladybird · 22/12/2021 01:35

What are you busy doing? (Outside the hours of 12.30/1pm which we know is lunch)