Page 22 | “Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

diydh · 2021-12-21T16:22:14+00:00

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest. YABU - yes, fair enough YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

hettie · 21/12/2021 23:20

I don't usually comment on threads like this. But two things strike me. Firstly you might want to find a different therapist, using terms like narcissistic about people you've never assessed is not great. Secondly what does the 'workaholism' do? What purpose does it serve? It can often be about avoiding emotional intimacy, in the same way an affair or an obsessive hobby or alcohol or drugs can be...it absents you from the relationship. What function does the way you've set up your relationship do for both of you and what are the consequences of that and do b you want that?

Friendviv1987 · 21/12/2021 23:27

HNRTWT….tell him to sort his own food out .Am sure he can negotiate a toaster and tin of beans!!

ikeepseeingit · 21/12/2021 23:31

Hi OP. I'm concerned that you don't think you can tell your husband you don't want to be beholden to his lunch every day, and that you would appreciate him asking more politely in the future.

Would you be able to sit him down and tell him that you don't mind making his lunch for him when you're already in the house, and you also don't mind him telling you what time his lunch is, but you need to be asked in a less abrupt way. You also don't want to be beholden to his lunchtime every day so won't be making lunch for him if you're going out and busy.

Is it really too much for him to hear that paragraph in your own words? Or do you think he would get sullen and cross/disappointed? If you can't even ask for the basic respect of being talked to nicely then that's not a good relationship to be in.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/12/2021 23:32

He would not want me working full time, definitely not. The way he is, he would be insulted. And he would see it as me abandoning my children for nothing

How dare he insinuate that you working is abandoning the children yet he does it so intensively that you have to pick up everything else including pandering to his every whim.

What a fucking turn off.

I'm not saying "you should work" - I'm saying "you should feel free to choose to work if you want"

Have you ever had a weekend away with friends and he stay home with the dc?

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2021 23:34

Some of what you’ve said Op resonated with me. My dh was bright up in a farm, was made to work on it from a young age (despite hating it) and his mum always had a cooked lunch on the table at 1pm.

When we first married, I worked but then had Dc and I kind of fitted into that same role for a short time. Dh didn’t ever demand it though, it just kind of happened. It then became apparent I couldn’t actually go out very much and we realised how stupid it was, so dh just made himself lunch (his mother was horrified). It’s taken years of therapy for him to get to grips with how damaging his childhood was, he is also a workaholic though not as bad as he used to be.

I was wondering if your dh’s childhood has had an effect on how he behaves towards you/expects things to be and if him having therapy could help him.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 21/12/2021 23:38

So you don't work, and you don't care for children during the day. And you find it strange that your husband asks politely for lunch?

I find that quite entitled of you. Are you not willing to help in any capacity?

If I were your husband, unless you had plans otherwise, I would very much expect you to make lunch for us both, and giving you a time thats convenient around work is fair enough!

Iamfour · 21/12/2021 23:39

Is he Prince Charles?

VestaTilley · 21/12/2021 23:40

Quite bossy? Or just treating you like an unpaid servant?

You’re not a maid. Tell him to make his own lunch.

My husband would never, ever say this to me.

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 23:40

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain

So you don't work, and you don't care for children during the day. And you find it strange that your husband asks politely for lunch?

I find that quite entitled of you. Are you not willing to help in any capacity?

If I were your husband, unless you had plans otherwise, I would very much expect you to make lunch for us both, and giving you a time thats convenient around work is fair enough!

Politely asks for lunch?

If he politely asked for lunch it wouldn’t be an issue. There’s nothing polite in the way that man told the OP

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 21/12/2021 23:40

How is working abandoning your children when presumably they're at school all day? They're not there to abandon!

If you want to work, do so.

If you don't, then you need to muck in around the house with grace and not resent making him a lunch.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 21/12/2021 23:42

@JustLyra

"Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou" is perfectly polite. Says please and thank you.

How would you ask someone? Don't you think it's fair she makes him lunch given she has no work responsibilities or children all day, five days a week?

watchingrnfire · 21/12/2021 23:45

I read this out to my dh who said that is extremely rude of the husband to demand lunch and he should make it himself.

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 23:45

[quote WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain]@JustLyra

"Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou" is perfectly polite. Says please and thank you.

How would you ask someone? Don't you think it's fair she makes him lunch given she has no work responsibilities or children all day, five days a week?[/quote]
No it’s not polite.

It’s an order dressed up as polite. Asking is polite, that’s not actually asking.

No, there should never be an assumption that your partner will be on hand to make you a specific meal at a time you set. If she’s free at that time it’s perfectly reasonable to ask.

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 23:50

It’s also disingenuous to pretend it’s a polite request when he’s such a stroppy man that his wife wouldn’t dare say no to his “request”.

Because it’s not actually a request

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 21/12/2021 23:50

@JustLyra

You don't get to dictate what is and isn't polite. OP asked for opinions.

I DO find how he asked polite. How people phrase sentences depends on many factors. Just because you'd say it differently doesn't make it rude.

OP says he treats her kindly. I suspect he's just direct as he is in work mode and needs to get going.

She doesn't work and doesn't care for children for most of the waking day. She DOES need to contribute. It's not her choice, it's part of being a decent partner. Making a quick sandwich isn't difficult. And if she resents him asking her, then perhaps she needs to go back to work to gain some perspective.

YouokHun · 21/12/2021 23:51

*Beware the pathologising therapist. Nothing to do with matters of the brain is certain and she's never met your husband. She sounds very unaware of her own limitations.

Not sure how you found her but I found an incredible one by reading the profiles on BACP and making sure they were properly qualified*

Absolutely this (and the others who have said the same). A counsellor or psychotherapist is not qualified to diagnose a personality disorder and should not be throwing these labels around. I would hope the focus of the sessions is about helping you @diydh to work out what is best for you and your psychological health in the short term and long term rather than on labelling others as narcissists without the necessary expertise.

Beachgirl33 · 21/12/2021 23:53

I regularly message my husband to ask what’s on the menu for lunch We both wfh but I usually have back to back meetings. His work is less full on. He always organises or makes my lunch (and my brekkie )

He also is OK with me messaging him mid afternoon to say what’s the chances of a coffee and some chocolate for your wife. He likes a bit of praise for this and I regularly hear him tell the dog what a good husband he is and that mummy is very lucky

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/12/2021 23:54

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain

But to be honest, I do definitely believe he is a workaholic because he is very edgy and difficult otherwise.

He would not want me working full time, definitely not. The way he is, he would be insulted. And he would see it as me abandoning my children for nothing. I know that might sound strange to some people but that is how it would go. And I can’t live with him in a mood. It’s would be horrible. It would be a bad vibe all round and he has a certain way that he looks at you. It’s difficult to describe. He’s never aggressive, but rightly or wrongly, it makes me anxious and guilty.

But he is quite rigid about certain things - like his food. If he wants something done, he’s not asking, put it that way.

This man sounds nice to you?

That's a pretty low bar.

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 23:55

[quote WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain]@JustLyra

You don't get to dictate what is and isn't polite. OP asked for opinions.

I DO find how he asked polite. How people phrase sentences depends on many factors. Just because you'd say it differently doesn't make it rude.

OP says he treats her kindly. I suspect he's just direct as he is in work mode and needs to get going.

She doesn't work and doesn't care for children for most of the waking day. She DOES need to contribute. It's not her choice, it's part of being a decent partner. Making a quick sandwich isn't difficult. And if she resents him asking her, then perhaps she needs to go back to work to gain some perspective.[/quote]
Neither do you.

If you find a man so controlling of his wife she dare not say no polite then that’s how to you.

Did you miss the bit about her husband not allowing her to go back to work?

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 23:56

*up to you

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:01

@youvegottenminuteslynn @JustLyra

"Just for some further context. He is neurotypical. He is 48. He is always busy, busy, busy. He does not present as strange in general life. He is very kind to me overall.

In his mind, he is just being communicative"

This was the OPs interpretation a few comments in.

I'm not going to argue over how the relationship dynamics are as we don't know. That's for OP to figure out as currently she seems to be saying opposing things.

She didn't say he won't let her back to work as far as I read, she said he didn't want her back. That doesn't mean he wouldn't"allow" her too. I'd like my partner to work part time, doesn't mean I'm demanding that, it's just a preference.

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 00:04

No wonder men get away with so much when people think it’s ok to have your wife living on eggshells and fearful of your mood so much she daren’t say no.

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 00:06

Abusers are often kind to their victims when they are toeing the line.

The behaviour when the OP doesn’t toe the line says it all about him.

That’s why it’s so difficult to see from the inside / the mindfuck is all part of it

Bussinbussin · 22/12/2021 00:07

This relationship sounds awful. He sounds awful.

I'd bet all my savings that once the separation dust settled, you'd have a far happier and more rewarding life raising your kids on your own.

Then you'd be free to find a new, respectful, loving relationship where you are both on an equal footing.

1967buglet · 22/12/2021 00:09

@CaliforniaDrumming

You are afraid of him. That is the reality. You are afraid that you will slip up one day and he will punish you.

Spot on.