Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/12/2021 22:20

@Princessorange

Would you be happy for your children if they came to you and told you what you have told us that they have to live their lives pussy footing around their spouse who speaks to them like a servant he doesn't like much? Would you be happy for them to dangle their partners only letting them live a half life, and that their views must come before others to the point where the others aren't even that sure on things, and that all things must revolve around their ideas/wants/needs etc
Because this is the behaviour that's being modelled to the kids, unfortunately. They aren't seeing two equal and happy parents. They're seeing one commander in chief and one who defers to them as it's been decided that their vote as the casting vote.
Bloomers58 · 21/12/2021 22:22

@diydh I suggest you take a breather from this thread for a few days, this is a lot to read through and I imagine so much of it will feel conflicting. I think finding a way to spend some time with animals or something else you love is a great idea and maybe a nice new years resolution. Focusing even just on just one thing you can do for yourself will increase your self worth and with that, you'll find things will fall into place naturally over time. Have a lovely Christmas with your family, who you clearly love very much and keep smiling. Seriously, take a break from the thread xx

LazySundayPlease · 21/12/2021 22:26

In our house, I disappear into the office. We usually get our own lunches BUT at most, I might say if he'd previously offered, "would it be ok if we eat about 1 as I've got meetings before and after" or "if you make a coffee, don't forget your wife upstairs!" I wouldn't issue a command! Not ok.

bofski14 · 21/12/2021 22:27

I don't see an issue with it. For all women who don't work and your SO does, at some point you've both sat down and had the conversation where one works to earn the money and one works to keep the house running. Preparing food is a part of that bargain you have struck. If you can't put a bit of food on a plate for your partner who is working all day to make money to support you, then there's something wrong.

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 22:27

Princessorange - I don’t know what to say. I can’t formulate what I want because I don’t know if it would be better. I am a quite confident person in general life and I don’t want to make out like I’m in a victim mentality. But I’m obviously lacking confidence as well in areas and I can’t tell how much is him and how much is me. If it was all bad, I’d be gone. I guess if I really wanted a job, I would have fought harder on that front. Or maybe U would have chosen a different husband? His knows, but I have to take responsibility for my life and I also realise it could be a lot worse.

CaliforniaDrumming - that is very thoughtful. Thankyou.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 21/12/2021 22:28

Looking at your updates - there are so many positives in your life. According to you you don't work, yet you have no money worries and can spend what you like. You have date nights and 'have fun'. Your husband has a good relationship with the children. You have a cleaner and are being encouraged to use them more.

Yet, the expectation you have your husbands lunch ready at one o'clock has been enough to tip you over. It does seem there is something deeper unsettling you and your therapist should be getting to the bottom of it.

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 22:28

Bloomers58 - Thankyou that is very kind.,

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 21/12/2021 22:39

I find this really disturbing.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/12/2021 22:39

It sounds like he's used to having a PA and giving them directions. A gentle word with him that you didn't like the way he told you to have his lunch ready might just make him realise. Other than that don't be available/go for a walk at 1 o'clock

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 22:39

I agree, take a break from this thread and enjoy your Christmas. Good luck with whatever you decide OP, and don’t be afraid to come back and ask for more help. Flowers

Pallisers · 21/12/2021 22:46

You talk a lot about what he wants, but what do you want?

This. I'd start exploring this with your therapist if I were you.

Also why we go to therapy and what we discover are the actual issues once in therapy are sometimes very different things.

Fizzbangwallop · 21/12/2021 22:49

Is he as rude to everyone else? How does he speak to your children?

It doesn’t matter how nice he is to you during date nights, if he is so disrespectful towards you the rest of the time. It sounds more like he’s a bully rather than a narcissist.

pinkstripeycat · 21/12/2021 22:51

My dh would say this as a joke!

PumpkinEye · 21/12/2021 22:51

Seems like you think you have a good ’deal’, and you might have, but it’s sadly a deal and in the end not true love.

Blacknosugarplease · 21/12/2021 22:53

Me and my husband are sometimes straight to the point like this. I like it. I think it only works if you are or get to be like this with each other and it’s not ‘one sided’ IYSWIM?

Alpacalunchbox · 21/12/2021 22:56

Given that you don’t work, have older kids and have a cleaner….. make your husband a bloody sandwich.

PickAChew · 21/12/2021 22:58

@diydh

It’s hard to sum everything up, but I’ll try. I don’t feel hard done by because I feel I have quite a loud if freedom to focus on the children, help them with school and all the other stuff. I have a cleaner and access to money in the same way as he does. None of that is an issue. I have time to keep fit, etc. Yes I have good friends about. Most people would see me as quite confident and together, I think? But with my husband, he’s a workaholic and I think it’s fair to say I have had to fit around that and the kind of temperament that goes with it. I can’t complain as he’s given us a great life, financially. But he is quite rigid about certain things - like his food. If he wants something done, he’s not asking, put it that way. I do find this aspect of him difficult. I can’t kind of ‘joke’ him out if it, or tell him he was being rude, as he wouldn’t see it as a joke.
This is what a gilded cage us all about. There are some good things in your life but they come at the expense of your autonomy. He might not be beating the crap out of you but you're still afraid to put a foot wrong.
coronafiona · 21/12/2021 22:58

Serve it with a note requesting dinner to be served at a time you would like Grin

PickAChew · 21/12/2021 23:02

@bofski14

I don't see an issue with it. For all women who don't work and your SO does, at some point you've both sat down and had the conversation where one works to earn the money and one works to keep the house running. Preparing food is a part of that bargain you have struck. If you can't put a bit of food on a plate for your partner who is working all day to make money to support you, then there's something wrong.
If a man who holds down a full time job, like many men, single, partnered or married, can't ask for help with lunch arrangements without sounding rude and entitled, then something is very wrong indeed.
ArrrMeHearties · 21/12/2021 23:06

Tell him if he wants lunch at 1pm sharp to make it himself

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/12/2021 23:07

I agree with your therapist btw.

MissCruellaDeVil · 21/12/2021 23:07

No, he can ask his maid to do that! I'm his wife.

Grotbags2020 · 21/12/2021 23:12

Well we normally have lunch at 12 as we skip breakfast so 1 would be reasonable as I’d be hangry. But regardless of time there is no way my husband would ever demand lunch to be ready at certain time in such a manor (different if we had plans)

I do make my dh lunch everyday which he appreciates and he will tidy the kitchen. But he would never ask for it in such a way it just comes across as rude. More of a demand rather a question

nicesausages · 21/12/2021 23:12

I can't imagine living my life like this

Next day you are both free, go out shopping / yoga/ whatever in the morning and ask him to have lunch ready for 1pm for when you are back. That might give him a little insight into his behaviour.

PickAChew · 21/12/2021 23:14

My domestic set up has similarities in that dh works at home and I'm the "homemaker" but I'm also the carer as both of the boys (mid to older teens) have severe additional needs. Even today, a few days before Christmas, I said goodbye to a CAMHS home visit for one boy and answered the phone to the other boy's social worker.

DH isn't asuch of an arse as yours, OP, but he sometimes gets stuck in work mode and can treat anything I say as an imposition and start to neglect everyone else's needs. Where the similarity ends is that I'm not afraid to lose my shit with him, even if he's so wrapped up in his own self that he doesn't react well. The worst that happens is a bit of shouting and maybe some tears. A decent therapist would get you to the point where you can articulate your needs rather than being meekly grateful for any crumbs thrown un your direction.

Swipe left for the next trending thread