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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
minipie · 21/12/2021 21:56

I haven’t read all the responses, just the OP’s posts.

OP, he regards you as an employee. Not an equal partner.

GrendelsGrandma · 21/12/2021 21:58

Oops, I accidentally clicked YABU

I tend to be the one who makes lunch, DH might tell me if he has meetings that restrict the time window he could eat with me which kind of amounts to what your husband said but less dickishly!

2bazookas · 21/12/2021 21:59

If Both/either of us has an afternoon date/ appointment, we usually agree that morning on a convenient time to have lunch. We both cook , so whoever is cooking that day would produce it on time.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 21/12/2021 22:00

No because he's the one who does the lunches and dinners. I'm hopeless in the kitchen!

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/12/2021 22:01

Not if he wanted to end the day with with both balls

DontGiveAFlyingFig · 21/12/2021 22:02

@minipie

I haven’t read all the responses, just the OP’s posts.

OP, he regards you as an employee. Not an equal partner.

Completely agree with this and I've only read the OP posts.
Meatshake · 21/12/2021 22:03

Me and my sister tease the shit out of my husband for being "vair vair busy and important" but there's no way that he'd ask me like that.

He might say "I'm rammed today, any chance you could make me a sandwich if you're getting yourself something?", but he's chief coffee maker (it's kind of his thing/interest at the moment) so it balances out

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 22:03

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 - This is the thing. When he was working and out hopingforabrighterfuture2021 in the day, I only had to organise dinner for him, if he was coming home. Now he’s here most days, I feel like I have to factor in what he’s having for lunch and if I was going to be out, I’d have to leave him something in the fridge or factor this in.

OP posts:
CaliforniaDrumming · 21/12/2021 22:04

@diydh

I’m not sure getting a job would help me, to be honest. The kids are not babies, but it’s still very full on and I think I’d feel like I was failing everywhere. I have a massive guilt complex about prioritising anything other than DH and the DC, I think. I think this is my upbringing largely, but it’s hard to know what exactly. As I said, if I went full-time, DH would interpret that as a personal slight. Like I was saying he want enough, or duke thing like that? Probably that sounds a bit crazy? He would make out like I’m trying to run away from the children and I didn’t care about him or something like that.
Would you consider volunteering? I have a passion for heritage and I volunteer at a heritage site 3 hours a week. ( I have a day job as well) It gives me great joy and I get to see people outside the house. It is low stress, and I can skip weeks if I want to at busy times. Would your DH not even "allow" that? You need something for yourself. Just 2 or 3 hours a week?

I am not sure if there are volunteer opps near you, of course, but no harm looking.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/12/2021 22:04

Do you have free access to family money? Do you have your own personal account with independent funds? Do you have access to the family accounts, know what the bills etc are? Hopefully. You should have this if you are in his eyes an equally valued partner.

He would make out like I’m trying to run away from the children and I didn’t care about him or something like that.

Then he would be manipulative and potentially financially abusive if he would guilt trip you into not earning, if you wanted to get a job.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 22:04

Ok, so what if you didn’t leave him something prepared in the fridge if you took the children out? What would he say/do?

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 22:06

I can’t really explain what he would do but there would be a vibe. It would make me feel very guilty and on edge.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 21/12/2021 22:06

@diydh, we have your back and so many of us are here to support and encourage you as you move forward in whichever way you are comfortable.

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 22:08

I have been thinking about volunteering maybe yes. I love animals such might do something related to that.

OP posts:
hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 22:08

To try and put it in perspective for you. If I was at home on my day off, and my DH was working at home, as he is mostly since lockdown. I might say, ‘what would you like for lunch?’ If I happened to be at home and making lunch. Sometimes, I might even surprise him by making lunch. But, and this is the crucial bit. Sometimes on my day off, I go out for the whole day, or for part of the day. It would never occur to me to worry about what he would have for lunch or to prepare it. Nor would he ask/tell me to.

Likewise, as I said in an earlier post, once, he tried a text message that simply said, ‘cup off coffee’. I was furious about the way he’d ‘asked’ and had a Frank conversation with him. He’s not done it since.

Pinkypenguin · 21/12/2021 22:08

Do people really speak to their housekeepers like this? I think it's abrupt even if you are talking to an employee.

I just don't know why people can't treat other people with respect.

As for the therapist, she knows more about the OP's situation and background than we do. It sounds like she might be onto something.

It's really not right to be controlled by someone else's disappointment or threat of disappointment, OP. You should be able to discuss what makes you unhappy in the relationship without fear or punishment.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 22:09

Ok. Just seen your update. This is definitely not ok. Flowers you’d feel guilty and on edge because you’d taken your kids out for a nice day, or gone to meet a friend, and not left your husband lunch? This is really not ok OP. I’m so sorry. Flowers

Myhouseownsme · 21/12/2021 22:10

You talk a lot about what he wants, but what do you want?

He wants you to want to make lunch, but do you want to make lunch?

Do you want to make it a special lunchtime for the two of you, or family time with the kids, do you want to show off your new cooking, or take instagrammable photos on a schedule?

Or do you want to sit on the couch reading a mag snacking on pringles, grab a sandwich from a corner shop as you dash between clients, lunch in a workplace canteen, eat out with pals or collect it at the door from deliveroo.

You have choices, what kind of lunch would you like to have?

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 22:10

Yes I have access to money. He’s not controlling in that way at all. The way he has money invested, I couldn’t even begin to describe what’s going on or what he’s doing. Nobody would get their heads round it, I don’t think.

OP posts:
CaliforniaDrumming · 21/12/2021 22:12

@diydh

I have been thinking about volunteering maybe yes. I love animals such might do something related to that.
Please do this one thing for now. Animals are wonderful stress busters and can help you clear your head. Try to sort this after Xmas and then come back to this thread. I can see that all the advice will be overwhelming, so just write this one thing down to organise.
DilemmaDelilah · 21/12/2021 22:13

@foobio I think much the same as you. My OH has retired but I'm still working from home full time. I have a LOT of meetings - he gets lunch ready for both of us so we can eat together, so it's important for me to let him know when I'm going to be free for lunch. I wouldn't use those exact words - I would be more polite - but the meaning would be the same

ChimpyChops · 21/12/2021 22:16

I'd send him a link to JustEat at 12.30.

CharityDingle · 21/12/2021 22:17

@GrendelsGrandma

Oops, I accidentally clicked YABU

I tend to be the one who makes lunch, DH might tell me if he has meetings that restrict the time window he could eat with me which kind of amounts to what your husband said but less dickishly!

@GrendelsGrandma if you click on YANBU that will change your vote.
Princessorange · 21/12/2021 22:17

Would you be happy for your children if they came to you and told you what you have told us that they have to live their lives pussy footing around their spouse who speaks to them like a servant he doesn't like much? Would you be happy for them to dangle their partners only letting them live a half life, and that their views must come before others to the point where the others aren't even that sure on things, and that all things must revolve around their ideas/wants/needs etc

Nillynally · 21/12/2021 22:20

He might say it once...

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