“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

[diydh]

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

Are you much younger than him, OP?

You don't need to respond to everyone. I can see this is quite a shock for you. I am not blaming you for being in this situation. WFH magnifies a lot of stuff that might have been tolerable before. You were likely busy with the children for years, and then perhaps you now have time to reflect on your marriage.

Could you go away for a bit so you can think about your next steps? Would your DH come to counselling with you? Do you have friends or parents who can support you? Just some space for yourself so you can reflect on what you want for yourself. He has taken you over. You need to grab a bit of yourself back.

@diydh

Sorry, we have three children. I should have said. But they are 10, 12, 14.

We have never really discussed me working, to those who ask. When I was pregnant, he said he didn’t want me working now we were having a family. I wanted to be with our children as well, so that’s not been an issue in itself.

Ha of course he didn't want you working. Wouldn't want his housekeeper kept busy by another job would he?

What do YOU want OP? What would you like to change, if anything?

I don't need to hear the answer but I think it's something you need to think hard about. xx

I’m 5 years younger, so not much.

Did you go to uni? What did you study? Think about maybe doing a refresher course in that.

My husband wouldn't fucking dare!

My DH would never say it.
It's the type of thing BIL would say to his DW though...and he's a twat of the highest order!!

@CaliforniaDrumming, joint counselling is not recommended if there are concerns about the relationship being controlling, as the controlling individual is usually very adept at portraying themselves as utterly reasonable while the other party is 'hysterical', 'making a big deal', 'misunderstanding what the controlling partner meant' etc. etc. Individual counselling can be invaluable though. It was how I made a roadmap out of my own abusive marriage.

Do you have any experience in the workplace from before you had kids? I would be looking to either re-study, re-train or volunteer with a view to getting into work. Even if only for national insurance contributions as surely that's a concern for the future? Do you have free access to both money and the accounts so you know how much the household running costs are etc?

This is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read. I don’t know why I’m so shocked by it, but I am.

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@CaliforniaDrumming, joint counselling is not recommended if there are concerns about the relationship being controlling, as the controlling individual is usually very adept at portraying themselves as utterly reasonable while the other party is 'hysterical', 'making a big deal', 'misunderstanding what the controlling partner meant' etc. etc. Individual counselling can be invaluable though. It was how I made a roadmap out of my own abusive marriage.[/quote]
You are right. I just feel like the OP is overwhelmed with all our responses. Maybe others can help her with a roadmap.

Hmm no. But if I say I’m making x for me and the baby and ask if he’d like some, he might say only if it’s before 1pm because he has meetings. If that didn’t work for me he’d happily make his own.

What if you decide to go out? Would he expect you to sort his lunch out first?

No, on the days I am at home and not working DH is very grateful for any crumbs I throw his way.

Men in senior positions often treat their wives like staff. My sister's DH is great but she often tells him not to talk to her like she is one of his work minions!

The parts I find 'off' about this are the tone he takes with you, the looks he gives you that make you feel anxious, and the fact he doesn't want you to work.

He seems sexist, and controlling, in subtle and sinister ways (to me anyway).

Why would it be abandoning your children for you to work, but not for him to work? (And also leave the country in the past from the sounds of it). Especially now the kids are older and in school. I think he wants to keep you as you are, beholden to him, as that works nicely for him.

I'm sure there are lovely parts too OP, and I'm not in your life so I don't know, but it wouldn't be for me. However, make sure you plan for YOUR future too financially and personally, and as many on here advise, have a contingency plan.

Also to answer your first question, no, DH has never asked me that, and I would never oblige if he asked me like that anyway.

We both work, we're both busy in very different ways. We both do equal or as close to equal as possible with DD. If I make us lunch it's my choice, and I'm usually making mine/DDs as well and vice Versa, and that's so we can eat as a family.

You don't need to respond to any of us or say anything, op
You don't owe us and you won't get in trouble if you don't respond

Absolutely.
The fact you have decided to go to therapy implies that you are not / have not been happy, and I guess this will be the same as tidying a room or cupboard or house - it gets a lot messier initially to eventually end up in a much better place.

I hope you get to a better place

He has a very similar attitude to family life that my father had. Does he believe that 'children should be seen and not heard' as well?

You help with the children, does he?
You do the majority of the housework, does he do any?
You 'run the house' by the sounds of things, what does he add to this?

If he doesn't help with the day to day stuff with the kids or do any of the housework, my advice would be to get a cleaner in (to cover the housework bit) and get some independence by getting a part time job or volunteer (he can't say you're doing it for the money then) somewhere. Get out and about and have some independence from the house/home.
He gets that by going to work, why shouldn't you?

As for saying what he did about lunch, I'd just not be around when he'd come down for it. Then when I'd get back, I'd say "Oh I didn't think you were being serious. You shouted an order at me like I was your personal chef - I didn't sign up for that job when I agreed to marry you. I agreed to be your partner. Do you want a chef? Should you think about hiring one?"

I’m not sure getting a job would help me, to be honest. The kids are not babies, but it’s still very full on and I think I’d feel like I was failing everywhere. I have a massive guilt complex about prioritising anything other than DH and the DC, I think. I think this is my upbringing largely, but it’s hard to know what exactly. As I said, if I went full-time, DH would interpret that as a personal slight. Like I was saying he want enough, or duke thing like that? Probably that sounds a bit crazy? He would make out like I’m trying to run away from the children and I didn’t care about him or something like that.

Sorry to answer, yes I have a degree and a postgrad.

To the poster who said what I’d said about being a traditional/old school marriage not being right, sorry, I should have clarified- I meant in the sense of OP being at home and doing most of the ‘house’ work- obviously if she’s fearful of her husband that of course is not right or okay at all 😞

OP, what would happen if you’d planned to take the kids out to meet friends today, for example? So when DH had said about lunch, you’d said, ‘we’re out today, there’s x in the fridge.’

I said this to my husband today...I am disabled though and he's my carer so I think it's allowed

What I mean is, are you trapped in the house? Are you free to take the children out or go out yourself, or is it totally expected you are home at all times to ‘look after’
Things at home (including your husband). If so, that’s obviously not ok. At all.

@helpfulperson

Not more than once.

😂 This.