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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 20:11

I don’t know what to think and that’s the truth if it.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 21/12/2021 20:13

@MrsCremuel, exactly what I was trying to say, but better! Always my fault for 'putting words in his mouth' if he didn't like being called out on something rude he'd said

FreakinFrankNFurter · 21/12/2021 20:14

He might say it as a joke, fully expecting to be asked if hell had frozen over

StoneofDestiny · 21/12/2021 20:14

The way to judge how things are is to think how you feel about it continuing like this. If you dread it then you need to make some new resolutions to achieve what you want out of life.

Rainartist · 21/12/2021 20:14

Sounds like he has quite an archaic attitude. He wouldn't see it as wrong as he is polite but he does see you as facilitating his requirements.

It's not how I would want to live but you agree to staying at home and him to work. The children don't need need you so much now and he naturally sees your time as time to help him as he's busy.

Like I said quite archaic in attitude and not how many women live these days but not wrong exactly.

MumsTheWordFact · 21/12/2021 20:15

Depends, do you work? If so then yes, he should be able to get his own. If he is the breadwinner and you're at home all day then I don't think it's too much to request you prepare lunch for an hour after most people have lunch at the latest.

honeylemonteaforme · 21/12/2021 20:16

It's not really the request for lunch it's more the way he put it. Like asking a housekeeper. I would say I don't mind making you lunch but I'm not staff

Itsnotdeep · 21/12/2021 20:16

I'm assuming from your post that your therapist thinks you grew up in an abusive household or with a narcissist in your family. In which case it's very common to end up in an abusive or controlling relationship.

Your life sounds joyless actually. Yes you have enough money, but that's all really. A relationship is meant to be a partnership. It's meant to be fun. A laugh sometimes, and warm and loving. It sounds as though you and everyone else come second to your Hs' work, and even if that's not the case, he doesn't sound to have much respect for you.

And even if you're ok with that - what do you think your children are learning about relationships when they see how your H talks to you? How he communicates or treats you? I don't think I'd want my children thinking that was ok.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 20:16

@diydh I really feel for you. You, and only you alone can decide whether you’re prepared to put up with this marriage or not. Is money, not having to work and having a cleaner worth feeling like you are paid help? Worth not being able to talk to him about it?

However. I honestly don’t believe that everyone who says ‘leave’ etc truly understands the implications of what that would be like.

It’s a very difficult decision for you.

What is he like with the kids?

CelebrateAndDreamofNewYear · 21/12/2021 20:17

What fun things do you do together OP? Both as a couple, and as a family? How often do you laugh with your husband?

userxx · 21/12/2021 20:18

@LynxGiftsetAndSocks

Maybe in 1950...

🤣🤣

uhohspaghettiohh · 21/12/2021 20:18

My DH wouldn't. He knows I'd laugh and tell him to piss off.

billy1966 · 21/12/2021 20:19

Your posts are quite chilling OP.

You sound as if you are in a very controlling relationship where he doesn't need to raise his voice, he has you walking on eggshells without it.

Chilling and definitely abusive IMO.

I think you know deep down this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

He speaks to you as he sees you, beneath him, there to do his bidding.

Chilling.

Heronwatcher · 21/12/2021 20:19

You don’t seem to have much of an idea of what you want to do- all of this “he doesn’t want me to work” “he can’t make a sandwich” stuff is a bit odd in this day and age. What do you want? What are you going to do with yourself for the rest of your life? What makes you happy/ fulfilled? The kids are old enough now to mean that you can get your own life back. It sounds very much as though he feels that it’s his right to treat you like a housekeeper whilst he’s bringing the money in, and for me that price would be too high. Though the first time my partner did this he would have found himself wearing the contents of the fridge at precisely 1pm.

CharityDingle · 21/12/2021 20:21

It sounds like an order to the hired help, imo.
Next thing he will be doing yearly evaluations and appraisals with you...

On a serious note, OP, it's not the way I would expect to be spoken to, regardless of your traditional roles, or whatever else.

potoforchids · 21/12/2021 20:22

He treats you as a PA, not a wife. I don't understand what makes him think he can order you about.

He's got you right where he wants you - uncertain of whether you can question him, worried to make a joke, unable to stop doing as he asks.

A frank conversation is needed about how he treats you, and if he doesn't respond well to it I think you need to rethink your relationship.

I know that's hard to hear Thanks

dodobookends · 21/12/2021 20:23

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

He's really done a number on you OP.

This makes me so sad.

So true.

OP - he's never agressive because he doesn't need to be. He is controlling your every move just the same. All he has to do is give you one of his looks and you back down immediately. He's happy just as long as you stay in line and you have made it your life's work to maintain the status quo.

And I can't live with him in a mood. It would be horrible. Let me guess - he's only ever in a mood because you have tried to talk to him about something you're not happy with. So you daren't say or do anything to displease him. Can't you see how unhealthy this relationship is?

So sad.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/12/2021 20:23

No, never. I'm not the hired help! Equally, I would never say that to him!

I work out of the home in a job that is very busy and demanding. I get half an hour for lunch (if I'm lucky!). I don't have anyone to deliver lunch to me, so, shock horror, I make it in the morning and take it with me!

ponkydonkey · 21/12/2021 20:26

Honestly I'd laugh in his face and then say
Ooh is this you trying to be domineering

🤣👍🏻🤣🤣

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 20:29

@diydh

There were many years when he would be abroad or somewhere else for half the week. At work he would just get lunch out as he was in central London. He also had PAs, etc. He’s WFH much more these days, since lockdown really. So this has been a shift.
Lots of people in controlling relationships have found that lockdown and WFH has intensified a lot.

Would you be punished (looks, moods, stroppiness etc) if you were out at lunchtime on a day he was at home?

housemaus · 21/12/2021 20:31

No.

If it were like, a particularly important day, and you'd agreed (having been asked nicely) to make sure he got something to eat in a very very small slot between unmissable meetings and a very high stress day, and you didn't have anything on yourself, and he was very highly strung about the whole thing but was normally lovely, and it was a one off...? I'd let it go.

Sounds like he's just a bossy prick who thinks you're the maid, though.

StaplesCorner · 21/12/2021 20:31

Do you have any self respect OP? I had a friend like this and I couldn’t do it in the end, I couldnt respect someone who followed orders from he who must obeyed.

blacksax · 21/12/2021 20:31

@diydh

I can’t joke with him and say, ‘oh do it yourself,’ or something like that. Maybe that’s how other couples are, but I can’t say that without massive offence.
In the same way a chief executive would take offence if his PA told him to get his own coffee, presumably.
Closetbeanmuncher · 21/12/2021 20:31

Hope you served him up dogshit sandwich.

Twat.

NinaDefoe · 21/12/2021 20:31

Has your therapist met your DH and parents?
If not, labelling them as narcissists is a bit off.