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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
SherBear1971 · 21/12/2021 19:39

In my house even the kids make their own lunch.....I have six and they make their own sarnies by the time they are 6 years old. If my husband wanted/needed me to make him some lunch he would not use that turn of phrase

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 19:40

@diydh

I am in psychotherapy, but not because of him. It’s more childhood issues that came up. But this therapist seems to just call everyone a narcissist! I can’t tell what is true and what isn’t true.

I not sure I need a job to have a purpose, but again, I can’t tell because I haven’t worked in a long time. I don’t miss having a job because I’m busy enough as it is. He would not want me working full time, definitely not. The way he is, he would be insulted. And he would see it as me abandoning my children for nothing. I know that might sound strange to some people but that is how it would go. And I can’t live with him in a mood. It’s would be horrible. It would be a bad vibe all round and he has a certain way that he looks at you. It’s difficult to describe. He’s never aggressive, but rightly or wrongly, it makes me anxious and guilty. Which l realise now is something I need to work in in the therapy! Anyway, overall, I’m not sure how a job would help me at this stage.

There’s not a single thing in your post about what you want - lots about what he wants, what he’d think, but nothing about you.

Do you get any time for yourself? Do you have the time and money to go out with friends? What about hobbies?

CelebrateAndDreamofNewYear · 21/12/2021 19:41

@Woofwoofbarkbark

What's the big deal? You're married. Sometimes you can make lunch for each other.

It's not about actually making lunch for each other though is it? Or 'being married' (although quite what that fact has to do with it is beyond me!)

Did you read the words? Read them again, out loud...and then imagine being on the receiving end of such a rude instruction! Nobody speaks to a partner in that way! It's beyond rude!

Woofwoofbarkbark · 21/12/2021 19:41

@StEval

Wow. You've been together 30 years and you've never made him lunch or eaten at the same time. That's quite an achievementWell done.

I said lunch Hmm
He work shifts so hes out at 6am, Im out at 9am, hes often working at the weekend.
He eats breakfast and lunch early.
I dont.
Its really no issue or problem at all.

@StEval

Yes, I was also talking about lunch!

It's just crazy to think that you've been together 30 years and not once have you managed to eat lunch together or made each other lunch! What did you do before kids?

Also I really do think that's an achievement. No sarcasm. And I never said it was a problem or an issue!

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 21/12/2021 19:42

He's really done a number on you OP.

This makes me so sad.

RandomMess · 21/12/2021 19:43

His narcissistic traits are there waving away.

Absolutely everything is on his terms and you are supposed to be appreciative and grateful for the terms and role he has dictated to you.

You are so controlled you aren't able to see it.

Sunshinelover2 · 21/12/2021 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Franticbutterfly · 21/12/2021 19:46

My DH wouldn't dare!

thatsallineed · 21/12/2021 19:46

@Catlover77

I don’t see what the issue is. He works, you don’t. Surely you should be supporting him. If my husband didn’t work, I would expect him to make the lunch at a time that suited my work schedule
Yes, but as many of us have already said - not to the point where the OP is spoken to like she is a member of staff.
StEval · 21/12/2021 19:52

It's just crazy to think that you've been together 30 years and not once have you managed to eat lunch together or made each other lunch! What did you do before kids?

Not crazy we are just on different time schedules.
He is either at work for 6 or up by then and eats immediately so is ready for lunch at 12.
Im a late breakfaster so am not ready for lunch until 2pm.
Both are often at work or out and about, cycling or exercising anyway.
Its really never been an issue.
Dinner we eat together.
I much prefer eating alone, reading my book.

Cherryblossoms85 · 21/12/2021 19:53

Oh dear. Lots to unpack there. I guess when I wasn't working, I would ask DH what time he wanted lunch, but not in a million years would he ask if it wasn't offered. I used to pack up his lunch when he was in the office too. I think it's the time request that is really off, not per se the request for lunch.

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 19:59

It’s hard to sum everything up, but I’ll try. I don’t feel hard done by because I feel I have quite a loud if freedom to focus on the children, help them with school and all the other stuff. I have a cleaner and access to money in the same way as he does. None of that is an issue. I have time to keep fit, etc. Yes I have good friends about. Most people would see me as quite confident and together, I think? But with my husband, he’s a workaholic and I think it’s fair to say I have had to fit around that and the kind of temperament that goes with it. I can’t complain as he’s given us a great life, financially. But he is quite rigid about certain things - like his food. If he wants something done, he’s not asking, put it that way. I do find this aspect of him difficult. I can’t kind of ‘joke’ him out if it, or tell him he was being rude, as he wouldn’t see it as a joke.

OP posts:
user1471442488 · 21/12/2021 19:59

God, what a miserable existence. Living with a controlling freak who demands that you don’t work. He thinks you’re beneath him and you let him treat you like this because it’s easier. Waste of life…

MrsCremuel · 21/12/2021 20:00

@diydh this bit:

‘He would not want me working full time, definitely not… And I can’t live with him in a mood. It’s would be horrible. It would be a bad vibe all round and he has a certain way that he looks at you. It’s difficult to describe. He’s never aggressive, but rightly or wrongly, it makes me anxious and guilty.’

This worries me a bit OP. He sounds very much like my controlling and narcissist father. Do you sometimes feel like you’re treading on eggshells? Quite drained by him and trying to keep him in a good mood?

I don’t blame you for feeling anxious, I think that’s effect he wants when when creates negative vibe. It’s a clever way of controlling you but making it seem like everything is a mutual choice and your anxiety etc are your fault. Like he’s just barking lunch orders at you because he wants to communicate clearly. Hm.

Very clever and very subtle and a massive head fuck. I might be reading too much into it but I found it concerning.

StoneofDestiny · 21/12/2021 20:04

You are either willingly crafted into or pressured into the role of housekeeper in addition to wife and mother. If you don't work and your children are at school, I'm assuming he sees the 'housekeeper' role as yours. Not sure why he assumes you will be at home at 1.00 - do you never go out pursuing hobbies, sport or catching up with friends? What would be the consequence of you not making the lunch and being out at 1.00.
You've obviously lived like this a long time - why has it become an issue now?

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 20:04

I can’t joke with him and say, ‘oh do it yourself,’ or something like that. Maybe that’s how other couples are, but I can’t say that without massive offence.

OP posts:
twocatsandtwokids · 21/12/2021 20:04

Mine might say “I’m free for lunch at 1pm, will you be around for lunch?”! And if I’m free he might ask if there’s something I can heat up for him quickly before he comes in etc etc … but that’s as far as he’d go!!

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 20:05

From your latest update OP, it sounds like you are in a marriage which is not awful, but just not exactly the way you’d like and I don’t blame you. I imagine that while the kids were little it wasn’t so bad, as they needed you in practical terms, and now they are older, you have more time to reflect on your life?

If he’s not abusive, you have equal access to money, a cleaner, friends and opportunity then it’s not all bad. It’s a life I wouldn’t want, but it’s not the same as being abused, financially or otherwise.

However. What worries me is that you say you can’t talk to him. It’s as if you’re afraid of his response, and that isn’t right. Very close to the border of abuse.

It’s a very difficult situation. How is he with your children?

JustLyra · 21/12/2021 20:06

@diydh

I can’t joke with him and say, ‘oh do it yourself,’ or something like that. Maybe that’s how other couples are, but I can’t say that without massive offence.
What would he say if you were to be out at lunchtime?
Clymene · 21/12/2021 20:07

So you are a highly paid nanny, cook, housekeeper and PA. Your husband doesn't view you as a person of equal status in the marriage.

I don't know how you can live like this.

Heepers · 21/12/2021 20:07

The sentiment I get (I often make lunch for my dh and would prefer to eat with him). The phrasing is all kinds of awful.

NerrSnerr · 21/12/2021 20:08

What would he say if you told him you couldn't make him lunch because you're taking the children out for the day?

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 20:09

There were many years when he would be abroad or somewhere else for half the week. At work he would just get lunch out as he was in central London. He also had PAs, etc. He’s WFH much more these days, since lockdown really. So this has been a shift.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 21/12/2021 20:10

@RandomMess, I couldn't agree more. @diydh - when you are walking on eggshells/unable to make yourself heard/your life is easier when he is happy/the way he looks at you makes you anxious you are in an abusive relationship with a likely narcissist. I speak from experience. I know how hard it is so come to terms with this fact, the controlling behaviour is at the same time apparently innocuous and not that big of a deal, you can't put into words what the problem is, but at the same time you are deeply disturbed and know on some level that it's not a healthy relationship. The fact that you are running past Mumsnet what he said to you about lunch goes to show that your sense of acceptable behaviour has been blurred.

everythingbackbutyou · 21/12/2021 20:11

'to come to terms', not 'so come to terms'...

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