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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 19:21

Just read your update.

You don’t work, and have three older children who, assuming no SN, should be fairly self sufficient. You say it was BOTH your choices not to work.

So, to me, that means that yes, most of the ‘household’ stuff falls to you. What’s not ok, is that your husband is treating you like hired help, and it sounds like you’re now resenting it.

Sadly, to all those posters saying, ‘get a job’, that’s probably going to be quite difficult after years out of work, but not impossible, if that’s what you want…

Honestly OP, I don’t believe SAHMs should be dictated to by their husbands. AT ALL. This is 2021. But, you, not just your husband, you, have chosen not to work. Making lunch isn’t unreasonable.

How he asked, is.

EinsteinaGogo · 21/12/2021 19:22

Why are you seeing a therapist, OP?

It does sound like you don't have a lot of agency over your life. It's not impossible to change that, if you want to, OP.

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 19:22

@diydh

I don’t see how I’m the cocklodger (if by that you mean I am lodging in my own house)? He doesn’t want me to work and never did. It wouldn’t help him if I did work and life rigid be more complicated for everyone, including me. I think I’ve mentioned it once it twice and he just says, “why, what do you need that you don’t have?” Also , it’s been a long time for me.
Do you want to work? It sounds like you've suggested it and he's vetoed it?
Porcupineintherough · 21/12/2021 19:24

Tbf the OP hasn't said anywhere that her husband has vetoed her working (and anyway he could he?). Just that he doesnt see the need for her to work/ is happy for her not to.

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 19:25

@Porcupineintherough

Tbf the OP hasn't said anywhere that her husband has vetoed her working (and anyway he could he?). Just that he doesnt see the need for her to work/ is happy for her not to.
I think I’ve mentioned it once it twice and he just says, “why, what do you need that you don’t have?”

That sounds like a veto to me

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 19:26

It’s a completely different story if you’ve said you want to work, and he’s effectively stopped you though. Has he?

AnnieSmithson · 21/12/2021 19:27

I make lunch for my DH every day, I don’t get what the big deal is

maddy68 · 21/12/2021 19:28

It depends. I'd he has a small window for his lunch and you said you were making it the it's reasonable
Definitely depends on the circumstances

LalalalalalaLand123 · 21/12/2021 19:28

At first I thought he was being a complete fuck-head. And certainly I think the way he has phrased it is completely acceptable.

But reading your further posts, and knowing how our household would operate if one person worked and the other did the household stuff, i dont think it's unreasonable for you to make his lunch if he's working - we would slways make lunch for the other if they were working and the other not

Melstarrynight · 21/12/2021 19:29

Regardless of your working status, surely it's the way he asked? Wouldn't 'Darling, would you mind preparing me some lunch today as I have a busy schedule?' Have gone down a little better?

WonderfulYou · 21/12/2021 19:29

You don’t work or have young children of course you should be making lunch. Your dh is working and was polite.

I agree.

If I was working FT and my DH wasn’t, I would expect him to do all of the household chores including things like making food.

grapewine · 21/12/2021 19:30

Sounds a bit like a gilded cage marriage.

Cofifeefee · 21/12/2021 19:31

@diydh you say he doesn't want you to work but what would you like to do? My DH and I have never had a conversation about me not working because I had a job when I met him and I never indicated that I wanted to give up. You say he said he didn't want you working when you had children. If my DH had said that to me, i would have laughed in his face and been much more appalled than being asked for lunch if I had taken on the role of homemaker.

Yes, the words he used were rude but it seems like these are the roles you've both assumed so it's hardly surprising.

steppemum · 21/12/2021 19:32

dh and I both work from home.

It has never occured to me that I am responsible for getting him lunch!

he might stick his head round my door and say - I'm going to get lunch, you coming?
I might heat up a tin of soup and say - do you want some?

but we are both perfectly capable of getting our own food.

VaguelyInteresting · 21/12/2021 19:34
  1. Has your house fallen into a time slip and it’s 1891 where you are?
  1. Are you in fact a housekeeper, and by husband do you mean “employer”?
  1. Are you involved in some sort of kinky Victorian upstairs/downstairs consensual role play?

If the answer to all of the above is NO then yes he’s being unreasonable and at 12.30 you should slip a takeaway menu under his office door. Preferably paper clipped to divorce papers.

JSL52 · 21/12/2021 19:35

@AnnieSmithson

I make lunch for my DH every day, I don’t get what the big deal is
The way he said it
Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 19:35

I am in psychotherapy, but not because of him. It’s more childhood issues that came up. But this therapist seems to just call everyone a narcissist! I can’t tell what is true and what isn’t true.

I not sure I need a job to have a purpose, but again, I can’t tell because I haven’t worked in a long time. I don’t miss having a job because I’m busy enough as it is. He would not want me working full time, definitely not. The way he is, he would be insulted. And he would see it as me abandoning my children for nothing. I know that might sound strange to some people but that is how it would go. And I can’t live with him in a mood. It’s would be horrible. It would be a bad vibe all round and he has a certain way that he looks at you. It’s difficult to describe. He’s never aggressive, but rightly or wrongly, it makes me anxious and guilty. Which l realise now is something I need to work in in the therapy! Anyway, overall, I’m not sure how a job would help me at this stage.

OP posts:
Thepineapplemystery · 21/12/2021 19:35

No. If we're both WFH he might day "shall we do lunch at 1pm" or if I have the day off he might ask "any chance you could sort lunch, I'm free 1-1.30 but then have a call". But neither is a demand.

Rainartist · 21/12/2021 19:35

What would the consequences be if you didn't?

ChiefStockingStuffer · 21/12/2021 19:36

Leave him a note and go out, along the lines of 'I'm sure you can sort your own lunch at 1pm'

Nomoreusernames1244 · 21/12/2021 19:36

He doesn’t want me to work and never did

I think you need to ask yourself why he doesn’t want you to work.

As tbh, it’s not his choice is it. If you have older kids and want to work, why doesn’t he want you to?

You not working keeps you financially dependent, makes it hard if you ever want to leave.

Is he controlling you, whether you know it or not, by keeping you reliant in his money, eventually his pension. What would you do without him.

Does he want a nanny/housekeeper/cook rather than a partner? As the lunch ready at one sounds very like he does.

Who does you not working really benefit? I suspect it’s him, he is living the 1950’s life where he has a woman waiting on him hand and foot- dinner on the table, housework done, kids sorted..i doubt it’s you.

What do you want to do with your life? Is it enough for you to spend it as his support system, or would you like to work, or get involved in the community, do stuff for yourself?

What would he do if you said point blank my life is not for your service, i’m getting a job, volunteering, going to be outside the home practicing yoga twice a day?

CaliforniaDrumming · 21/12/2021 19:37

@diydh

I am in psychotherapy, but not because of him. It’s more childhood issues that came up. But this therapist seems to just call everyone a narcissist! I can’t tell what is true and what isn’t true.

I not sure I need a job to have a purpose, but again, I can’t tell because I haven’t worked in a long time. I don’t miss having a job because I’m busy enough as it is. He would not want me working full time, definitely not. The way he is, he would be insulted. And he would see it as me abandoning my children for nothing. I know that might sound strange to some people but that is how it would go. And I can’t live with him in a mood. It’s would be horrible. It would be a bad vibe all round and he has a certain way that he looks at you. It’s difficult to describe. He’s never aggressive, but rightly or wrongly, it makes me anxious and guilty. Which l realise now is something I need to work in in the therapy! Anyway, overall, I’m not sure how a job would help me at this stage.

Run. Get a job first and then run.

Insulted?! Is this some kind of cultural thing? Abandoning your nearly grown children?

NerrSnerr · 21/12/2021 19:37

Are you happy in your marriage OP? The person you're married to is supposed to make you happy, not anxious and guilty.

A580Hojas · 21/12/2021 19:39

I'm in the it didn't happen camp.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 21/12/2021 19:39

OP. He doesn’t want you to work. Unusual nowadays, but not unheard of. You don’t want to work, by your own admission.

That’s all fine, if it works for both of you, but it sounds like you are always slightly fearful of him, even though he isn’t aggressive. That’s not a good thing.

As I’ve said, now about three times on this thread. It is NOT unreasonable for your husband to ask you to make lunch if he is working and you are not. It IS unreasonable to treat you badly and make you feel guilty and anxious.