“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

[diydh]

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

I wonder what he'd say if you got a job ?

He would be getting fuck all from me

Mine wouldn't. He would offer to make me something while he's getting his.

What sort of things does he expect?

I wouldn't be married to a man like that.

Mind you, I wouldn't be a SAHM either to children of that age.

When I have been wfh with a bf, we have made each other lunch, and it's nice to break together, but there's none of that rudeness and entitlement.

I don’t want him to feel as if I take him for granted

By asking him not to take you for granted?

@diydh

I don’t know that to say to him really as he won’t get it. He would just see me as unnecessarily moaning. I don’t want him to feel as if I take him for granted and I don’t want him to feel annoyed with me because overall, I have a good life. My life is easier if he’s happy with things and that’s the truth if it.

Are you happy though?

@Cofifeefee I agree. But blurred boundaries like this are exactly one of the reasons I will always work.

I don’t see how I’m the cocklodger (if by that you mean I am lodging in my own house)? He doesn’t want me to work and never did. It wouldn’t help him if I did work and life rigid be more complicated for everyone, including me. I think I’ve mentioned it once it twice and he just says, “why, what do you need that you don’t have?” Also , it’s been a long time for me.

If I was busy working and my DH had the day off and was in the house I would probably ask the same. Somehow it does seem bad because he is a man and you are a woman and the words are quite sharp but I do think I would think it very handy if my DH had our lunch ready for the start of my lunch break and would ask in politer terms.

When we were both WFH my husband got into the routine of making lunch but at 3pm which for me was way to late meaning I was working while hungry from 12-3 and then having steal a few minutes in the busy part of my day to shovel it down

I probably said something like this to him maybe a bit ruder while hangry

And perhaps he should stop subsidising his wife not to work too. The fact he agreed to this baffles me.

Can you not read @Mouseonmychair? Or are you just in a wind-up mood with your ludicrous posts? the OP clearly stated it was her husband’s choice she didn’t work.

Are you happy though? Are you happy with the life choices?

When I was a PA, I nannied a lovely, but somewhat temperamental older man. He made the mistake of telling me how much he hated cheese and pickle sandwiches. So if he pissed me off, that was what he got for lunch. He'd look at it mournfully, and say, 'so what'd I do this time'.

If my husband did this, I'd first be making an appointment with the GP, because such out of character, and anti self preservation behaviour would be of great concern. Then I'd make him a very stale cheese and pickle sandwich, open the door at 1pm and whizz it at the back of his head. With or without a plate, it would depend. . .

@diydh

I don’t know that to say to him really as he won’t get it. He would just see me as unnecessarily moaning. I don’t want him to feel as if I take him for granted and I don’t want him to feel annoyed with me because overall, I have a good life. My life is easier if he’s happy with things and that’s the truth if it.

He sees you in a supporting role in his life, not as an equal partner.

I don't want him to feel as if I take him for granted But don't you see? That's exactly what he's doing to you.

Your life is easier if he is happy. He might be happy, but you're not. You think you should be, but you're not, are you? Why are you are seeing a therapist?

Is your role in life to smoothe his path, make his life easy and jump when he says jump? Or do you want to be happy in your own right, and treated as an equal rather than chief cook and bottle-washer?

@diydh

I don’t see how I’m the cocklodger (if by that you mean I am lodging in my own house)? He doesn’t want me to work and never did. It wouldn’t help him if I did work and life rigid be more complicated for everyone, including me. I think I’ve mentioned it once it twice and he just says, “why, what do you need that you don’t have?” Also , it’s been a long time for me.

You're not the cocklodger OP.

But he's missing the point. The point of work is not just to be able to acquire more stuff. The point is to provide you with financial autonomy and self-esteem.

Not that a SAHM can't have autonomy and self-esteem.

But this man treats you like something between a posession and a servant. He appears not to see you as a person in your own right with your own needs and thoughts: he sees you as someone to facilitate his busy life and look after his kids.

Getting a job would provide you with other priorities and another focus besides him. It would send a clear signal to him that you don't exist only to serve him and your children. It would give you a start at some financial independence which would increase your own self-worth and make you less inclined to jump at his every whim. And if you decided you no longer wanted to put up with this nonsense it would enable you to leave.

I just tried this . I barked at DH "Have my coffee at my desk at 7 am." He looked confused and said ' "Do you have an interview?" I said "No." He looked more confused and said mournfully " I am not awake by then". :)

@diydh

I don’t see how I’m the cocklodger (if by that you mean I am lodging in my own house)? He doesn’t want me to work and never did. It wouldn’t help him if I did work and life rigid be more complicated for everyone, including me. I think I’ve mentioned it once it twice and he just says, “why, what do you need that you don’t have?” Also , it’s been a long time for me.

"why, what do you need that you don't have?"

Happiness?

A sense of identity and self-worth that comes from being something other than somebody's wife or mother?

We have a great system. Husband comes down from the office and makes lunch for us both. Normally I'm sitting round watching bargain hunt....
I do make drinks for him, in a flask which I usually leave on the stairs for him. (Occasionally I take it up if I am going anyway bit don't go up specially)

It wouldn't help him if I did work So?

Why are you thinking of it in terms of how it would affect him? What about YOU?

@TractorAndHeadphones

The tone is rude and bossy - was it those exact words? Sounds like something you’d say to a PA, not your partner!

I'm a PA and my boss would never use that direct a tone/phrase. He's polite and considerate! There's never a good excuse for rudely barking orders.

I don't work. DH generally works out of the home and almost always makes his lunch the evening before. He will do the same even when he is going to be WFH. Very occasionally he will ask me if I could make his sandwiches if he has something on. I do, however, almost always cook dinner, but that's because I like the control and he'll always make me a cup of tea after dinner.

@diydh

I don’t know that to say to him really as he won’t get it. He would just see me as unnecessarily moaning. I don’t want him to feel as if I take him for granted and I don’t want him to feel annoyed with me because overall, I have a good life. My life is easier if he’s happy with things and that’s the truth if it.

It's really no life is it? Not being able to tell your husband who is supposed to love you and be your equal to respect you because he'll make your life harder if you do.

Your children will grow up thinking this is normal. The man is the boss and the woman does as she is told. Is a second class citizen. Then the cycle will continue.

@Clymene

He's forgotten you're his wife.

I'd get a job.

This ^ is one smart reply !

what do you need that you don’t have?

Love, (and I mean this kindly) you have a life that is devoid of worry over the thing that worries most; money, you don’t have to tear yourself into a million pieces making work/home stuff work, but… you need a therapist

Something therefore is wrong, and I think we can agree that it’s not YOU.

You’re missing something, perhaps purpose, perhaps a sense of worth, self value

Your life isn’t fulfilling you, and this request has jarred with you to the extent that you’re asking us

I always worked before I met my oh. I lot my job after we moved in together and there was a lot to do in the house, so actually it was handy that I was around to manage it all. When we’d finished the major projects, I had nothing to do and it got really monotonous and I could feel myself shrinking

You need purpose, and he’s not allowing you that. You need value and he’s not showing you that he has any appreciation of you.

Sure you can find ways to validate yourself and Id seriously look into finding something to do that gets you out and about (when covid is less of an issue) or something you can do from home that means you have a focus.

He needs to have it explained that he can’t give you instructions like that, it makes you feel like staff and that’s going to kill your relationship with him.

You need a barrier. A boundary. And you need it now.

My oh is a mega big deal and he often makes me lunch… or mostly waits to see what I might throw together cos it’s better than what he’s thought of, but if I’m super busy, he gets on with it cos he can take a break to sort things out if I’m not around.

I don’t see what the issue is. He works, you don’t. Surely you should be supporting him. If my husband didn’t work, I would expect him to make the lunch at a time that suited my work schedule